OWH she has a secret life, and that is obvious from what you have told us
Why is the question you have to address with her once she admits that truth

What is she afraid of?

This could go deep, and delves into whatever problems she might have had before in childhood, and any misconceptions you guys had together when you started out with your life together

Yes we all believe that it we will find someone who will fix it all, explain everything, give reason for all the crap life hands us, but we can decide to fool ourselves and stay in our fears at the same time

The best medicine is often not another warm body but the objective truth, which most people hide from with a passionate vengeance

They disconnect and yet do not come to the truth, being even more afraid as they run. It's a vicious, yeah vicious, cycle

You guys need and esspecialyy her an objective friend or counsellor to help navigate these waters. Yes she has really screwed up, and she is trying everything possible even down to drug use to hide, but it's not working now is it?

It's not personal at you, and she's caught red handed, plus of course you can't be the answer to her when she is asking for the wrong answers

Can you give her up to an authority that does not have the close human emotions you have for her?

Sorry you are going through this OWH

My advice is call the center and get her, and you, the help you need from professionals

I really can't help myself. I feel like I have to know the truth. The investigation will continue. Who knows what I'll find.

There are no AOs, but I've finally reached the end of my emotional tether. I can't make eye contact with her, I don't want to be around her; I'm in total emotional withdrawal. In the last week, we've interacted only in the bare minimum needed to run our household, with maybe 30 words spoken between us in that time. So, no AOs, but there's some damage taking place -- a lot of lost ground.

I'm trying to get to a place where I can be in a Plan A mentality while I conduct my investigation, but any type of intimate contact, affection, or SF is completely off the table at this point. I just can't bring myself to be that emotionally dishonest.

That's my plan. Questioning has gotten me nowhere.

I'm an expert researcher; turns out that's a big part of being a good detective. In the past 18 months, I've reconstructed POSOM's life. There is nothing to be gained by trying to have a conversation with this pig. I can assure you, any meeting between POSOM and I will only result in a disaster. It may come to that sooner or later anyway.


I agree. To my understanding, her withholding information displays a greater loyalty to him. She wouldn't agree, though. The reason she won't disclose is purely selfishness on her part.

I did not expose the OM at work. Remember, months went by between the time I found her sneaking off to meet him and when I finally proved the identity of her AP. Still, to all appearances at that time, I had broken up the affair before it went physical. By the time I put together the pieces I have so far, I determined there was no benefit to exposure.

But, it's a brand new investigation at this point. Nothing is off the table. If I confirm my suspicions, there may be a workplace exposure in the future.

An understanding of this seems just out of my grasp. I can almost feel the real source of her fears, but can't quite put my finger on it or express it (if that makes sense). I'm pretty sure it's cultural, but I haven't yet put together enough pieces to fully understand it.



Oh, I don't believe this at all. In my life, I've always expected the worst from everyone and have seldom been disappointed. My experience also tells me there is no one in the wings standing by to "fix" anything. Believe me, other than the way I viewed my wife for the first 20ish years of my marriage, I've never really deluded myself about anything.


This is me. Objective truth is the most important thing to me. More important than my marriage.


We've been there, done that. She just lies to them, too. And once she's contaminated the waters, she can't go back. Once I can prove she lied during counseling, she won't go back to that counselor to face the lies she told.

Thank you, CP, CV, and Gamma.

So what's your plan?

We'll have a conversation about the polygraph when we receive the report. I'll listen to what she has to say, but I'm already getting previews:

"No matter what happens, you'll find something wrong about my actions."

"You already convinced me that holding hands and kissing are the same as having sex with him, so of course, I failed the question regarding having sex with him."

"I was under such stress, I had a headache, so I took some Exedrin PM that morning. It has nothing to do with the test."

"When a relationship reaches the level of needing a polygraph, it's over."

Meanwhile: investigation back on. Full tilt.

I'll behave as a nice, considerate roommate while I piece together her activities between the middle of 2006 and the beginning of 2009. At that point, I'll have a consolidated picture of her life from the time she met POSOM until D-day. I'll see what I find, if anything.

When are you supposed to receive the report?

He didn't give us a time-line. It's been a week since the test. I doubt it will be more than a day or two more.

It's really sad OWH, such a slippery slope, and what are you gonna do?

It reminds me of the story I was once told, and lines up with what I was once trapped in, by yet my own devices also
I'll spare you the details of why the story was slipped in and by who, but it kinda fits your situation

There was a busnessman who went to the Dr Shrink/counselor to find out what was his wives problem. She was doing drugs and acting out and was not happy, he asked the Drs why and stood there very strong and responsible and respectable.

The doctors said,"It's you"

If there is no other reason, like the acual endangerment of your children, I would run like he'll away from her

She is not serious, and does not even have a clue. She is playing on everybodies conscience and needs professional help.

Sounds like the story of a policeman who marries a hooker, planning to protect her from the world, and she is totally enthralled and in love with that world, and is making no plans to leave it, not really.

Maybe get her to post here?

Yeah I get you the POSOM is a piece of dung, my kids saw that from day one also
He was and probably still is a lonely and desperate man, who only has drugs and booze to entice foolish women who have lost thier way

The [censored] even called me once and apologized when I was working, and all I could say was, "She is allright when she was going to church"
Ya pretty lame huh? She needed God and her pastor and the whole congregation to even love me and stay true
I say ya bullcrap

Serious question here... are you sure the affair hasn't gone underground? No secret affair phones or anything? As far as withdrawing and not being able to make eye contact, this is why they say false recoveries set you back to ground zero. It's been what... A week? has she offered any explanation at all? I wouldn't give her the time to formulate answers. I'm from the school of hit it hard and fast and don't give em time to squirm away.

Cv

Just remember one thing I learned from an old dead guy (a religious philosopher named Cornelius Van Til), there are no brute facts... Nothing stand objectively on its own. One fact is always tied to another.

And you are welcome!

CV

I don't want to get carried away, here.

As a reminder, my wife ended all contact with POSOM immediately upon me confronting here in February 2011. Her behavior has been above reproach. I've got total access to all her telephone and e-mail accounts. She has been a model wife.

The problem is, for some reason, she believes she's entitled to keep her secrets concerning her affair. Anything I haven't discovered is her entitlement. Her version of the truth is what I've discovered. Period. I know she's keeping secrets from me and it eats at me constantly.

I'm not going to run away from this.

She'll never post here. She knows the default position is that the BS is entitled to full disclosure. That's not just Dr. Harley's teaching, but the position of most professionals dealing with infidelity.

She will not subject herself to the treatment those like her get here.

I'm sure there is no affair. All of the emotional withdrawal is on my part. She's working hard to try to break though my barriers.

Her explanation: she's been under a lot of stress and was having a hard time sleeping. She said she woke up in the wee hours of the morning before the polygraph and took Exedrin PM so she could get some sleep, and that's why she was "out of it."

Another lie. If her version were true, the effects of the drug would've been evident on the two-hour drive to our polygraph appointment. There were no such effects evident. I know she took the drugs in the restroom just prior to our appointment for the express purpose of suppressing her nervous system reactions, hoping to fool the test. As with the details of her affair, she doesn't care what I "know," she knows I can't "prove" it. So, she becomes entrenched and comfortable with the lie.

In addition, she's actively playing down the validity of polygraph science and the accuracy of the tests. Her explanation: "I don't know why I didn't pass it."

I'm actively looking for the movie "Gaslight." I want to see if the Hollywood version is anything near the depth of the version I'm living right now.

Ah yes gaslight, if you can't find it it's explained in the forum

Do you really still feel that you should protect her from truth? Or are you just satisfied with whatever you get now?

I think your acting desperate and afraid of losing her, and man I get that OWH, believe me I do

She is not the delicate flower or the model wife and she won't break if she comes here and gets her spankings from these people

Ok you protect her and we will see where that goes. Sure you got this, your the man, you understand.

Guess what? You are only human and subject to everything we all here are too. So is she

Subjected to what will happen to her? She should be so lucky my freind.

From the good book and it's full of wisdom

"The kisses of an enemy are deceitful, and the wounds of a friend are faithful"

She probably thinks, "They just wouldn't understand!!"

Yeah right well we do

It's ok this isn't an add for MB, it's for the truth, and living in the real world.

God bless you friend, both of you, on this journey. I truly wish the best for you both

I can't protect her from truth. I can't protect anyone from truth. If I was "satisfied" at any level, I wouldn't be posting here.


I'm not desperate. I don't want to lose our life together, but in many ways, that's out of my hands. I'm rolling with the flow here . . .


This is not the issue. The concepts here are foreign to her based on cultural differences. That's the reality of the situation with which I'm dealing.


I don't see how my constant rejection of her position and the continual pressure of me telling her I don't believe her or trust her could possibly be construed as me "protecting" her.


Thank you, CP. But, truth is, God has nothing to do with this.

Ok I get you, but I myself do not try to handle everything myself anymore, and I hope you don't also

So are you atheist? Or just believe that God doesn't bother with this kind of thing?

Or do you take the position that it is a weakmindec person who creates a supreme being to blame thier own problems on?

So I think I remember that there were cultural differences too.

Hope you can get things under control, but like I said, I'm not willing to shoulder all the responsibility for anyone and don't want to put them in that place where they would owe me either

Yeah I'm not gonna play God for anyone, not anymore, it's all BS anyways

She knows what she's guilty of ya know?

Good luck again OWH

Agnostic would be a more apt "label."


True. And soon enough, I'll know whether my theory is correct. I may never be able to get to the bottom of it, but I'll exhaust all my resources, then decide on a course of action.

OWH,

Im feeling your pain.

Its a brutal life your wife has carved out for you.

Stay strong, keep yourself sane, I started to excercise to keep myself focused.