Well, when there is a dip in the coaster, even this far into Plan B (maybe especially because I'm this far into Plan B) the taker sure rears its head.

A colleague has been trying to set me up with one of her male friends. A tradesmen who occasionally visits the office I work in. Weeks ago she asked me to go to dance classes, and I showed an interest before realising the real reason was to partner me with this guy. She says he has walked past me at work and is interested... yep, an EN already met.

Up until this week, I have told her I am not ready to date, I am still married, etc. Whenever he is present, she tries to point him out to me... but I won't go to see him so still don't even know what he looks like.

Yesterday I saw him... and phew, did I notice my reaction. Just from a simple comment meeting my EN for admiration, and glances in my direction as he worked. I felt the butterflies in the stomach. When I went to the ladies to comb my hair and add a layer of lipstick , thankfully MB wisdom kicked in.

As much as I want to start dating when the D is through... I am still VERY needy. I am glad I am aware of this though.

I find this so patronsing and underhand. I have to take a deep breath and remind remind myself they have good intentions.

When this happened to me, I had to remind myself that when I brought it with her to be respectful.

I said to my friend: "How would you feel about not setting me up with people. I would like a total ban on that idea while I am still married"

She was q apologetic so I let it go. If I hadn't raised it I would have been unable to go anywhere with her in case there was a set up waiting.

Its unfair to put us in that spot and at the mercy of temptation.

Caracal,

A week ago Sunday, my brother already suggested someone for me to consider marrying. Now I've completely cut off all contact with that person. Since then, my brother and I have 'agreed to disagree' about the wisdom of my attempting MB w/ my WW and agreed that we shouldn't really talk about her, or my marriage, at all anymore.

Family and friends mean well, but they don't understand any of these MB concepts. (If they did, they wouldn't be trying to set up people whose D isn't final.)

Getting into any kind of romantic relationship with anyone beside my WW would be a DISASTER right now. I am needy and am unable to make wise decisions, and would end up with whomever shows up first to meet ENs of mine.

I am in AWE of the strength of you Plan Bers. I really am. You have more rock solid boundaries and value marriage more than 99.99% of 'happily married' people I know. Its inspiring.

It's hard not having your needs met. But seriously, absolutely anyone can do it.

Its like hiking up Ben Nevis (the highest UK peak). Anyone of average fitness can do it. You just have to not give up, follow the path, and not follow any fools off over the edge.

The entire hike I was thinking 'This is just like Plan B!'

Following Plan B is like the MB algebra formula for an affair. In reverse. I'm not sure how it goes, but opportunity and temptation are in there somewhere.

If you remove all temptation and opportunity, nothing happens.

I have said on here before, that it really is not fair when people meet a PA need. All you can do as a Plan B dodge is walk in the other direction!



Its scary, isn't it? How a simple need met in Plan B is like tasting water in the desert.

We need to wait to avoid settling for a total drip!

A very similar situation happened with me. Sunday after church I went to lunch with my children. As we were leaving, I noticed an very attractive person of the OS, they smiled and i smiled back. In a split second I went from feeling good about being noticed to "what did I just do by smiling?". I picked up the pace and left quickly.

It totally scared me.

I panic too.

Scared is good. Scared is our acknowledgement that we're human. Taking account of our weaknesses.

I steer a wide berth around this colleague socially, because of how she chooses to live her life. I have seen other ways she is underhand... it is interesting that you have picked up on this in this scenario, as I hadn't thought of it like that.

And it certainly is tempting. To feel those feelings again, to have EN's met...

Hahaha, exactly. And he likely is a total drip, if he socialises with this colleague. Today she was again putting in a good word for him, and told me how she took him grocery shopping last Sunday. I questioned why??? The answer... "oh, he came around for bacon and eggs that morning".

Alarm bells are ringing. This colleague associates with people I would not choose to. Today, she also started telling me what a catch I am for a man... my appearance, no kids, building a home, a good job. Nice of her to notice. I can imagine what she has told the tradesman.

Thanks I agree with Indie that anyone can do this... but many choose not to.

I admit I have moments of doubt and wanting to give in to temptation. Yesterday being one of them.

I am the only person I know IRL, past and present, who has been seperated for so long without having an affair. Sometimes I look around and see how others are coping with the path to D, putting bandaids on the wound by having ANYONE meet EN's, and I think "well, why the hell not?".

Walking off the edge would be so much easier in the short term. But this thinking soon passes.

In saying that, I fully expect some rebound relationship after D if I enter dating too soon. I intend to do the 30 dates to try to prevent this. I am curious as to how I am going to go... whether I will try to latch on to the first EN meeter, or if I will run the other way.

Meeting H at 15... I don't exactly know how to do the whole dating thing. I will be seeking guidance over on the D forum... but I'll get through the D first.

And an update on the legal front. Still nothing from Gollum on the D. Or on the financial docs.

My lawyer sent me an email today, saying she had sent a reminder to Gollum's lawyer about the financial docs. The previous email was subtly reprimanding him for not having provided what was requested.

Not sure how to announce this, they didn't teach "if your husband is a cheater" etiquette at school.

My husband, Gollum, whoever the hell he is, became a daddy today. To a bouncing baby boy.

Thankfully I missed the call. My mother took it... from Black Sheep SIL. My mother was almost in tears.

Crap, this hurts.

You'll be absolutely fine, I have complete faith in you.

And agree with you about Mr bacon and eggs (WTH?) RUN.

And he is returning to Aus. With bouncing baby and his "precious" to set up home. Apparently to my state. Likely to my town.

Funny how just an hour ago I was saying I don't want any bandaids.

I could sure as hell use one right now...

Oh dear.

We need a big underground pit where we can keep these unrepentant waywards out of everyone's way. Nice to think about, anyway.

At least, in Plan B, it won't matter which country he is disgracing with his presence.

We live in Plan B land

Sorry to here all you've been dealing with, Caracel. I'm sure the poor child has nothing but a hard life ahead for him. And good for you for avoiding the wolves in sheep's clothing!

So, most excellent and wise Plan Ber, two questions...what is your strategy for safeguarding yourself if he does come back? And what are you doing to plan A yourself through all of these stresses?

Thanks Indie.

I need to stay calm. I recognise shock by now, and there is a LOT of that. Plan B protects so much I have been able to stick my head in the sand. I KNEW it was coming, but there is a difference between the reality of it happening.

Thanks Jen... I have shared this with all of you on MB before my IRL friends / family.

I know I will grieve this.

And even with this news, I thought... well, now I am really going to be tested in Plan B. There is a difference doing Plan B in different countries. It is pretty easy being continents apart as long as the BS can resist the temptation not to break it themselves.

Now I will really face the test. I am concerned he might think once he is back in the country it will be his chance to convince me he is such a great guy, face to face. I doubt it, I don't think he could face me or my parents, but who knows the foggy state he is in?

Right now, I would likely punch him. And knee him. He is very tall, so I would work up quite a swing before connecting.

I wish my house was already built. He would not know the address. Now, I am going to be wary of answering the door. I still don't answer the phone. And if he comes to my work (which I worry about because that is where he would come to obtain the M certificate for D).... but I can not predict every possibility. My standard response will have to be to make an exit. Hopefully before punching / using my knees.

As for treats for myself... if I don't sleep well tonight, I have already decided not to go to work. Through all of this, even D Day, I didn't take a day off work. I am not going to force myself to get through a day of work with tears welling. Instead, I might go off to visit a friend for the weekend, my IM. Wine, thai food, and maybe some shopping or a pedicure.

Yes you can!!!

If he came to the door of your parent's home you would.....

If he came to your workplace you would....

If you saw him on the street you would....

If you saw him at a party or function you would.....

Making plans calms us, because we have worked out our escape route.

Can you ask a receptionist or front line person at your place of work to make sure any visitors announce themselves properly?

Sounds like a great plan for the weekend, and maybe your IM can help plan with you!

Is there anything your attorney can do to reinforce no contact?


And don't forget this too shall pass. Someday in the nearer future the D will be behind you (and it will feel good at the same time it will bring up sadness...good because you will legally be freed of the tie to someone who has given you so much pain). And some day in the more distant future you'll be ready to move on in your love life...and you will have a great set of tools to evaluate your relationships and set standards. Your future is beautiful, even if today feels dreary!!!

What just hit me... I think this baby was actually PLANNED for.

Not Horse Ho's manipulation to trap a married man.

Things are adding up. Instead, I think this might be the ultimate act of selfishness. The ultimate disrespect to marriage, to me, to himself and to a child. I mean, who can't wait for D??? And who can't organise a D when he has had four months to legally do so before the OC was born???

He is sick, very wayward. They truly deserve each other.

I think Gollum has convinced himself he never wanted a child with me (lies, he used to moon over the thought of me getting pregnant) and that he only ever wanted a child with Horse Ho.

My oh my, the exposure letter I sent to Horse Ho's family and friends must have cut her. She would have been three months pregnant, likely just announcing it. In my letter, I mentioned Gollum and I were returning to Aus to start a family.

A bit different to the version he has likely given her.

Okay, rant and vent over. I just need to get this out somehow.