YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED 2.5 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!

My dear, you are just right back into the same ol' merry-go-round that you were on when dating.

If a guy can cheat on you 3 times before marriage and again after 2.5 MONTHS of marriage, and you blame yourself for it, then he knows he can do whatever he wants and you'll put up with it. Please be honest with yourself at least.

Double Seven,
You have some serious reading to do. There will be a lot of work involved with saving your marriage at this point. It is possible, but it will not be easy. However, nothing worth doing is easy; and I believe you will come out of this a much better person for your efforts.

Read Surviving an Affair, and all the basic concepts here. Read as mch as you can about everything people are referring you to. And take some time to absorb the concepts. The good news about most of this stuff is that it's actually pretty simple and based on long standing tradition of truth and mutual respect for human interactions. The bad news is that most of that is so foriegn to us because we have become so messed up as a society that wse don't know which end is up anymore. It's taken me 2+ years to really feel confident with the knowledge from this website, the books, and speaking with Dr. Harley directly on the phone. The more I learn the more I see how simple it is, but that I was progammed poorly by life in general.

For instance: somehow we betrayed spouses tend to think it's our fault when our spouses cheat on us. We weren't there. We weren't consulted. We didn't hear any complaints prior. We didn't make any suggestions. But we still feel responsible.
There's nothting logical about it.

Dr. Harley's concepts are based on truths and logic. He says "there are reasons why people have affairs, but never excuses."

So, you will need to be educated in this material for 2 reasons. One is that you will have to go through thte process of it with your WH (I am tempted to use new acronym VWH, but I have not seen it before and am not in the business of coining terms around here). You will have to know it inside and out, so that you can sell it to your WH. You will be leading him through, no matter how enthusiastic he says he is at this time. Wayward LIE, so you will need him to PROVE with his ACTIONS that he is sincere. And let me tell you something: the path to recovery for your marriage will be very narrow. Adultery has managed to destroy society (past and present) and that is because there is no obious solution to it. It's been around for thousands of years and nobody has been able to pinpoint a way to eliminate it from any society. Until now. Dr. Harley's methods are proven and air tight for those strong enough and willing enough to do the work.

The second reason you need to have a command of this knowledge is that you have a tendency to be attracted to men who lie to you. Your husband lies to you. Time and time again. MB will give you another perspective. The concepts here will help you raise the bar for yourself and help you recognize, instinctively, when you are dealing with dishonesty.

You are 36 and feeling the pressure. I get that. Perhaps you want to be married and having kids by 40 or something. But Being married to an adulterer is equal to not being married at all. In my experience, dealing with adultery correctly, and early on, is essential to your plan. I didn't deal with adultery correctly and now, at 43 I'm startng over. From Scratch, and behind the 8 ball.

I hope you'll consider writing to the Harley's and perhaps talking to them on the radio show. I would be quite interested in what Dr. H would say about your situation.

If your wayward husband is sincere about recovering your marriage with you and becoming a faithful husband and perhaps a decent Father to your kids one day, he probably would love to come here and get some guidance. We can help him. I would be first in line as a former adulterer. I'm sure after he reads surviving an Affair and the entire contents of the website, and many threads about adultery, he will have some questions that we would be glad to answer.

The path is narrow and strict, 77. And it's based on one simple concept:

The Truth.

opt

Oh, and a starting point will be Extraordinary Precautions. Read up on that. Demand it from your WH. If he doens't go for every piece of it, then he is not good enough for you.

Opt

Run

Away

NOW


And

FAST!

Yep. Dump and RUN.

And again, we see the heroine in the book return to the path of destruction. We want to scream at her: 'STOP', because we know that this book will end badly.

In ten years, after numerous affairs, you will secretly visit this site again. Maybe you will look at the posts and think: if only I had listened to them, I might have been married to a man who loves me now.

May God bless you.

Happyheart

P.S.
You will have a very difficult life, married to him. Because you will be in the marriage, but he is not.

If you have children together then I can understand wanting to work it out, but if not you *WILL* be kicking yourself later for not walking now.

Make no mistake about it, recovery is a VERY narrow path and it must be followed exactly. If he doesn't do exactly what is needed then you are signing yourself up for disaster.

There are plenty of other men out there that would be thrilled to be with someone that has your view of marriage.

Like most men on this forum I would kill to have my wife stop toying with me and our family. Knowing what I know now, if we were only married for 2.5 months and didn't have children and she pulled this crap I would have the garage sale tomorrow, and would be moving out of state by end of week.

ak

Hey there 6877. I hope you are at least checking in with your thread. Your last update sounded like you had your mind made up on a certain plan. I know you want to work it out. I also know that you cannot be obective right now.

You want to believe him. But, his actions have shown whether he is truly capable of being in a committed relationship or not. He cheated on you three times before marriage, and again within 2 1/2 months of marriage. Open your eyes!! That is not even remotely normal, acceptble or respectful. He WILL TELL YOU anything to keep you right where he wants you!!!. All waywards do. None of them want their situations to change. They want you to meet their needs at home and have a fun, no baggage thing on the side. If he had the moral character, committment level, respect for you as a woman and as his wife, and in the vows that he took with you, he wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place!! Don't gloss over that fact in your denial. That is exactly what I did, and it killed me more than anything. They give you false hope to keep you where they want you. They are SOOOOOOOO good at that.

You also don't want to spend the rest of your life, checking up on him, keeping him in line. That is NO way to live. Without honesty, there is no trust. Without trust, there can be no marriage.

I know these last 10 posts or so have to be difficult for you to read, but we have all been there. I even see through his immediate turn around. There is something to be said for his not doing these things in the first place. Please don't put on blinders to that.

Okay, I'm going to file for divorce...everyone cheer!!!!! Now, although everyone knows he's a piece of [censored], tell me what I do now? Just b/c everyone hates him and they think I should be happy to get rid of him, that's not the case. I love him very much. I need help through this. This isn't what I want this is what I HAVE to do, or he will kill my soul. What now, when the drama wear's off? When the sadness kicks in, and when I miss him? What then?

We will help you. Get yourself in Plan B to heal from the drama and know that you deserve better.

You are worth it.

Not saying it's going to be easy, but don't you deserve better? We know you still love him and that will take time.

Put together a plan and follow it and then when you look up you will see how far you've come.

Can you start this? How To Plan B Properly

Hi 6877. He isn't deserving of your love. I don't understand how they can take our love, take everything we have to give, and do the things they do. I just can't imagine being like that. We don't hate him. I am not happy that you are going to get rid of him. He is not a faithful, trustworthy, partner in your marriage. His mindset is not marriage. We will be here to support you. Just remember that THIS type of life that he was giving you is NOT what you want for yourself. I stayed, it has sucked the life right out of me. It does kill who you are. Eventually, he would tire of your efforts to try to get him to stop behaviors he doesn't want to stop and start resenting you, start treating you badly. It is new now. You thought you could be strong and continue to try to fix your marriage, but what you don't know is that IT WOULD GET WORSE as time went on. When you start feeling sadness at the loss of your marriage and start missing him, please remind yourself that you deserve a real marriage. He wasn't providing one. He is familiar, you love him, etc...., but he isn't marriage material. He isn't good for you!!!! The mindset of a good lifelong partner is more along the lines of coming together as ONE, putting eachother first, not the mindset he has. You have to be strong for yourself. You WILL make it through this. You just keep reminding yourself that you are worth more than this.

Littlebit3- yes these posts were hard. Actually they mad me mad b/c they dont know his good side. I want to be in denial...... but tonight after spending a lovely evening riding our bikes together, i get a call from my sister in law that she thinks the OW is at her house. So I go over and sure enough I found them in bed together. They got up amd left but he threw in there maybe I couldve kept him if I hadn'tbeen such a b___ch! That she cares about him more than me!

So who are these OW?

Are they married?

Who are you exposure targets?

I know it hurts but he's a foggy wayard and they will turn the tables. So don't listen to his fogginess.

Please take it from someone who has spent 18 years in denial!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will NEVER help YOU!!!!! You would not be loving and respecting YOURSELF if you allowed yourself to stay in denial to hide from the truth. The truth is exactly what you need to face. Even if you didn't catch him tonight, you would have needed to face it. I am glad you had the gift of finding him, b/c without that, it would have been harder to get you to face and accept the truth.

You walked in on them? They got up and left? Let his words roll right off of you. Really? I hope your response was along the lines of, "Why would I want to keep you? Look at the kind of person and husband you are? And, I wonder how much she will care about you when she realizes that you can't be honest and faithful to her either."

She was my friend that I worked at a bar with for 2 years, her man(friend) who helped her have this affair with my husband was a childhood friend of mine. The OW and him happened to be close friends. I introduced them to Don they were my friends first. So, I told the OW dad on facebook twice about it b/c it wasnt going away. I informed the "guy friends" new fiance about what he had been helping conspire. I told close friends of all of us and I told his family. Now that I'm really going to divorce him I'm going to tell everyone, absolutely everyone.

Yep, my sister in law let me go right and in. They were naked in the covers and I just ripped them off of them and stood there and looked at them nacked. He made me leave so they could get dressed. And then they went ou the door while he stood in front of me so i couldn't get to her and she smiled on the way out. SMILED. She was my friend....how could she smile?

Good for you 6877. He deserves exposure!!! Don't help him one bit by not shining the light on his true character. She obviously wasn't a very good friend. You just never know someone's true intentions and character sometimes. I am sorry that you have counted some not very nice people as friends. Dropem like a hot potatta!!!!! ICK!!!!

Your H has some BIG issues. They are his. Let him have them. You have invested too much time into this dead end. Raise your standards for how you want to be treated in your life - FOR EVERYONE!! People worth having in your life will respect your standards and rise to them. If not, you don't want them in your life. That especially goes for any man.

Because she's a skanky OW and they don't care.

I know your emotions are raw right now so try and stay calm and get your plan together.

Does she have family besides her dad you can expose to? Any married friends let them know.

Sit down and do your exposure all at once. Do not do a trickle exposure.

Also document this why it's fresh. You may need it later.

She smiled b/c she is a low-life individual who has no self respect, who has to resort stealing another woman's loser of a husband b/c she can't get any better. Seriously, you have to be pretty low to allow yourself to sleep with a married man. The smile just proves how pathetic she really is.