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He gave me back his key when he left, so he can't get in the house. I let him in last time when he came to the house to talk and I shouldn't have.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Nov 2011
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Are you the adult child of an alcoholic?
I ask because you are around alcohol in your Job and because one of the top traits of an ACOA is clinging to toxic relationships
Another trait is having difficulty knowing what is "normal"

Typically women look for someone who resembles their father in relationships.
If the father was absent they usually pick the bottom of the barrel.

Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 12/05/12 01:45 AM.
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I encourage you to stay in plan B and focus on running.

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Originally Posted by 6877
He gave me back his key when he left, so he can't get in the house. I let him in last time when he came to the house to talk and I shouldn't have.

Change the locks.
He may have made a copy at a local hardware or auto parts store

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ANY contact means that you are NOT in Plan B.

You have an IM, which is awesome, but do they know what they should and shouldn't pass onto you? Having a great IM is the backbone of a great PB.

Have you changed all of your contact info?



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Are you the adult child of an alcoholic?
I ask because you are around alcohol in your Job and because one of the top traits of an ACOA is clinging to toxic relationships
Another trait is having difficulty knowing what is "normal"

Typically women look for someone who resembles their father in relationships.
If the father was absent they usually pick the bottom of the barrel.

I am the middle child of a father that worked all the time. We were poor as children and he worked his [censored] off to keep food on the table, always nights. Yes,he did like to drink but there was never a "problem." He just never really had anything to do with us girls. I give him many props for doing what needed to be done to keep food on the table. What I realize is that maybe I was the one that needed the extra attention to keep me pushed in the right direction. I could have used a little more parental advice. I do see a pattern in my life with men, but it's hard to believe b/c my dad worked so hard that I have such issues. But it seems to be what the therapists tell me; even though it doesn't seem that bad, I needed more. When I think about it, my dad never talked(two-word, is what my friends called him) and my mom never interfered with anything. My sisters have great husbands!


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by Scotland
ANY contact means that you are NOT in Plan B.

You have an IM, which is awesome, but do they know what they should and shouldn't pass onto you? Having a great IM is the backbone of a great PB.

Have you changed all of your contact info?

My IM is pretty good, not perfect. She's learning just like me. She hasn't passed on irrelevant information but she has in the past said he pissed her off. I think she will do fine as time goes on. There really isn't much left for us to talk about, all his stuff is gone.

He can't get to me anyway unless he comes here, which is my downfall.

Question Scotland, what is it that would ever make me know he was wiling to try? Does he just give my IM the proof he is reading or talking to Steve or what? That's where I get confused. Yes, everyoone wants me to be done but in actuality it's easier for me to stay away when I know he has the information to come home and chooses not to. I feel in limbo right now. Do I write another Plan B letter or just sit here and wait for me to KNOW it's time to file?


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
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You've already written the letter.

Did you list what you required of him to recover? IE counseling with Harley, willingness to go NC with OW and send her an NCL, and so on?


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Yes, all those things were on there. It was way back in September though, but by this point he knows that that is what it would take.

Up and down, up and down. Some points during the day I'm completely fine and then the next hour I'm thinking of reasons why I should contact him. I won't! I just keep thinking the worst will be over in 3 weeks; right at Christmas and my birthday, boo hoo me.

I was thinking today what are we supposed to do with all of our mutual friends? How do we attend anything? What if I go somewhere with "our" friends and he's there. It just seems impossible for us not to have contact at some point. I would be fine if I never ever had to see him again, but now I'm just worried about running into him at the store or going to the same function. I did see his car at Walmart the other day when I was there, I wanted to go back in so bad so he knew I was there but I didn't, I just drove away.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 122
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Feeling pretty good these past few days. Reading through Estrala's(sp?) thread right now and it's been helpful.

I've been six nights with no contact. I don't drive by, I don't look at his fb, his email or anything and I suspect that he still has the same passwords for those things b/c he never changed them before when we went through this. All he ever needs changed is his cellphone password and he of course did that right away.

I also made an appointment with a lawyer for next Friday. I don't know if I will file then but we can at least get the paper work started. I've really been leaning towards filing, as many have said I should.

I know maybe some people on here don't bother b/c I haven't been married long; hell, I haven't been married at all. His EA started before we even walked down the aisle and the PA started ONE month after we were married. So maybe I don't have in all the years everyone else does. We've been toghether a total of six years. Everything I ever wanted has been ripped away before I even got to have it. My WH was at his best before we got married. See he deployed 2010/2011 and when he came back he was such a differant, wonderful person to me. I really thought he had changed, and I mean he really acted like he had. I was number one, everything he wanted to be with and he was soooo excited to get married. I really didn't see it coming, even with all the other cheating. I never, ever had any inclination walking down that aisle that he was basically falling in love with someone else at that time. I thought I was is bride, not my stupid, ugly friend sitting in the pews.

I feel stronger posting, and I feel stronger when other people post to me. I feel really strong reading other people's threads! Reading someone's thread form the beginning takes several days, and that's only b/c I read at work too smile. I guess what I'm saying is please don't forget about me. The hardest part for me is yet to come, and that's when he starts looking for me b/c the only place he can find me is here, at my house. So ignoring him banging on the door will probably be a really, really hard thing for me to do.

This is the first time in six years, and four affairs, and probably more that I've felt like I could do this(leave him) and maybe even be happier. This is my way out(plan B). I may not have gotten it perfect the first couple of times but I'm still trying to do better, be better.

I believe my WH can change, b/c I think that of anyone. I know how high my expectations would have to be and I also catch glimpses of myself not wanting to deal with his bs any longer. He would have to do everything on his list before I would even talk to him face to face. EVERYTHING!!

So basically I'm going to file and he has somewhere around three months to take it seriously and decide how he wants the rest of his life to go or I'm out! Out sounds good right now anyway.

Jedi - I will run this marriage right out of me, hopefully. My goal is to work out everyday until Christmas. 1 day off though per week. My best friend is coming home and I want her to see I'm healthy and strong. It's also my birthday on Christmas day so I'm a little worried about it. My friends have already made plans for me so I'm sure I'll be okay.

Thanks everyone!


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
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It's good to hear you're staying dark. You will heal if you stay away from his drama.

Do you know when he might come by and could you leave so you don't have a break in Plan B?

Come here and post when you're down or having a tough time.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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My first plan B was really dark too even if it was for only a week and a half. I got on a plane and flew to SC. That should be the criteria of the first week in PB, a weeks vacation smile I got to lay around all day, watch netflix, then I'd get up and go run, and then take a bath in a huge tub and get ready for my best friend to come home for us to go out to eat. I had no access to a computer while I was there so I had nothing, which was helpful to stay dark, no facebook! It was great!!! I even had my SIL change the eblaster password so only she could look at it. I said all I ever want to know is when my WH starts cheating on Elvis. I just wanted to know so that I could send her a nasty text saying "your it." I don't know, maybe I wouldn't have but it made me feel powerful knowing I could!

Well, he's never stayed away longer than a week. He goes into withdrawal and wants me back, right now. So I'm not sure what to do? I don't want to uproot my child to stay somewhere else, not that we couldn't stay at a hotel but I have no idea what night(s) he'll decide he misses me. Maybe he won't this time. I just have to be strong enough to not answer the door or drive away if his car is here.

I've really been thinking about doing another plan B letter and giving it to him with the divorce papers. The last PB letter was in September. Some things have changed since then. I need him to know I'm filing b/c I don't have faith in him anymore but still leave the window open that if wants he could do XYZ to get us started in the right direction. Mostly b/c if he knows I'm still on that path(MB)he might back down from coming over. He needs to know I'm whole heartedly going the MB way, and it's up to him if he wants to come with. I shouldn't say with; he will have to MB on his own before I talk to him face to face.

I have to make the promise to myself!! NO FACE TO FACE TILL THE MB WAY


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 122
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So I'm reading through Estrela's thread and I came across her looking at his mail. That is exactly what I did today! I opened a bill of his b/c I knew he hadn't paid it or they wouldn't be sending him a statement. It was for an old car 10 years ago or so that he ended up getting repossessed and they eventually came after him. I helped(of course) get it taken care of and start making payments at a lower interest rate. Now both times he's been gone from the house he has forgotten to make his payment which boosts his interest to double!! But I did realize today when I opened it that I shouldn't have. It's not my business anymore! I won't do it again and I'll be telling my IM to have him change addresses immediately.

I also realized some of his stuff is still in my garage. I will be getting a storage unit for a month for his stuff as suggested for him to pick up.



BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Nov 2011
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This is just a guess.
But I'm willing to guess that you are a good looking, smart attractive young woman attracted to trash.
When I read about the car, it reminds me that sometimes women will try to "fix" men into a good man.
They forgoe relationships with responsible men and pick irresponsible ones.

Here is a statement from Dr Harley, let me know what you think

"Just speculating, but people often choose mates that fit their self-concept. �In other words, a person who doesn�t think much of themselves (usually with evidence to support their conclusion), pick someone who is similarly unprepared for making a contribution in life. �When they marry someone who is capable, they feel very uncomfortable around that person, in spite of the care that they provide. �Your wife may have chosen a man who is similarly unprepared for life because she feels comfortable around him. �I recall counseling a woman who was married to a very famous surgeon. �She had an affair with a man who gave blood for a living, and moved into his 17-foot trailer. �He was someone who she could relate to, unlike her very successful husband. �In spite of his willingness to make changes in his career to accommodate her needs, she never felt comfortable around him."

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
This is just a guess.
But I'm willing to guess that you are a good looking, smart attractive young woman attracted to trash.
When I read about the car, it reminds me that sometimes women will try to "fix" men into a good man.
They forgoe relationships with responsible men and pick irresponsible ones.


My WH as a young man yes was unresponsible, and I did/have help him make strides in taking care of past debt. I am not attracted to trash....I would never date or marry a man that couldn't hold a job. I would never financially take care of someone who couldn't take care of themselves.

Sunday's are hard days, they can be lonely. I should always make plans to do something on Sundays. Feeling low, not just b/c of WH just drama at work as well.

My soon to be SIL and my BIL are getting married. I told her I would help her with the wedding since her mom is not much help. Trying to decide what I can and can't do considering the situation. I guess just help her as long as WH is not around. The wedding isn't for 2 years so it's not something that I have to worry about right now in the aspect of going to the wedding but we are going to start making plans. We are best friends b/c we both have been in the family almost the exact same amount of times so we forged a strong friendship.


BW 35
WH 31
Married to a serial cheater
D Day - 9 times between June 2012 & April 2013
Plan B - April 13, 2013
Plan D - In the works
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
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Originally Posted by 6877
He goes into withdrawal and wants me back, right now. So I'm not sure what to do? I don't want to uproot my child to stay somewhere else, not that we couldn't stay at a hotel but I have no idea what night(s) he'll decide he misses me. Maybe he won't this time.

So that your child doesn't grow up thinking that a marriage to trash is acceptable, I'd continue with radio silence right through your divorce. He isn't marriage, husband or father material--I wouldn't waste any more time with him.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Originally Posted by 6877
I am not attracted to trash....I would never date or marry a man that couldn't hold a job. I would never financially take care of someone who couldn't take care of themselves.

rotflmao

I'm sure Jedi didn't mean that you were actively seeking out those that sat on their asses waiting for their next handout! Rather, your current husband seems to be seriously lacking in some pretty basic moral standards--regardless of how many dollars he has in the bank.

Your "normal" isn't normal and I'm glad to see that you're getting away from this mess.



Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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