Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
I started talking with a guy 2 weeks ago last night. We've been on two dates. Up until the last date (Fri. night), he called and texted me several times a day. Sat. he texted me some and called me Sat. night (he didn't get up until 1:30 - hahaha late night and then he went to the grocery store and did housework). Sunday he called Sunday night (he went to church I think and then to the river). He called last night (he left his charger at work so his phone was dead, he cleaned his boat, and he went to his Mom's for supper). He's slowed down on the contact during the day but it all seems legit you know?

We talked some Fri. night about us. First thing was that I asked him how he felt about dating other people (if you remember my crush thread, that guy is still contacting me somewhat but I'm not interested any more because it's all on his terms). We had been sitting close together and he got away from me as fast as he could when I asked that question. He said if that's what you want, fine, but I thought we were exploring one another. I said we are, I just wanted to know how YOU felt about it. Then I told him about my guy friend that has been dating a girl for a year but they are still open to date other people. I told him I didn't understand that and wanted to know where he stood on it. He was OK with the situation after I explained it. We've pretty much figured out that neither of us want to date other ppl.

Then, as we were talking later on (we talk a lot but there is plenty of physical attraction ;-) ), I asked him would he be OK with dating for a long time (didn't mention marriage, just left it like that). I think he said he would be OK with it. Then later on, he brought it up again and said it scared him for me to say that because it sounded like I wasn't ready for a relationship and he was (he's been divorced 10 years). He said he was afraid I would string him along if I wasn't ready. I told him I would never do anything to hurt him. He said I just needed to be SURE I was ready for a relationship.

Then, after that talk he got ready to leave. I'm a worrier so while we were saying our goodbyes, I told him I was worried about the conversation we had. He decided not to leave right then. I asked him what changed his mind. He said me worrying about the situation increased his trust (or something like that).

But like I said, not as much contact as we had previously. He was texting me with hey beautiful, wyd. Now it's most of the time, hey you, wyd. I asked him Sat. night (on the phone) if he was backing off because of our relationship talk. He said, no. I've been communicating with you. I said, it just seems different. He told me not to read between the lines because I'd read something that wasn't there.

I really like him. I'm pretty sure he's really into me. I just don't want to get hurt or be stupid. I can't figure out why he's backed off some. One thing I really like about him is the contact he began with. I'm a worrier. I analyze everything. I thought he could be guarding his heart because of the relationship conversation. Or he could think that we are now exclusive so he knows I will be there and we don't need to communicate quite as much?

Any ideas?


Last edited by prissanna; 08/14/12 08:57 AM.

Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 571
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 571
Personally, I think two dates and two weeks is not enough time to get into relationship talk like that. I know that the pace quickens somewhat as we get older, but it just strikes me as way too early. I wouldn't get into a discussion like that for at least a month or two.

Keep it light and fun, and don't mention the conversation again unless he does. Try not to over-analyze his texts either.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
I've got it marked to read.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by prissanna
I've got it marked to read.
The book is even better, but Pep put that excellent thread together.

Dr. Harley recommends it for people whom are dating.

Have you read the article where he recommends to date 30 people?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Yeah. I'm not into dating 30 people. I just can't see the sense in that. Sorry. I know a lot of ya'll believe in it. I don't know 30 people that I would consider dating. I'm picky. So far, I've only been interested in three guys (my crush, this guy that this post is about, and a guy that doesn't really know I exsist).

Besides, it's not like my door is getting knocked down. I don't plan on putting myself out there just so I can date 30 guys. A lot of ppl still don't even realize I'm divorced yet. I had a guy the other day tell me he asked someone about why my husband hadn't been around and they were like, she's divorced. He said his mouth dropped to the floor. I want God to send me the right person. My problem is knowing if it's God or not. I just can't hurt any more. I know it's a risk we all take, but I think I'd rather not have the need for a relationship if I'm going to hurt.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
So what kind of things are you doing for yourself? Start any new hobbies?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Probably nothing. I enjoy piddling around the house. I have a full-time job as well as an online job that keeps me busy. I start Divorce Care classes next month. I'm hoping that helps me.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
Hi Prissanna, just want to second the recommendation by Brainhurts to read the book Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders. I started reading it last week, and it's very good.

I'm also with you on the dating 30 people advice. I think it's great advice for younger people, say in their teens and 20's, but I think as you get older, you know more about yourself and what you want and don't need to date as much to figure it out.

Get BRF, you'll be happy you did.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
I think the biggest reason for dating different people is that Dr. H says to get that contrast effect to find the right one. When you're older 30 is a stretch but date multiple people.

Have you thought about trying something new to get you interested in? After my divorce I started doing stuff I never would've when I was married and had tons of fun and met new people with similar interests.

The most difficult was adjusting when the kids aren't there, but I enjoyed my down time. How's your support system? Girlfriends and sisters?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Can someone give me a synopsis of the BRF to let me know how it would be useful. I read the thread and was a little confused (not even blonde. lol).

I have a great support system. At the beginning of my divorce, I shut pretty much everyone out. Then in Jan. when my first 'crush' came on me with a vengeance, I realized I needed my friends.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
My personality is obsessive. No patience. (Took after my Dad) That's NOT a good thing. How do I work on this? How can I tone it down? I don't want to freak this guy. My thing is, I'd rather know that he's not interested (if he's not, than sit around wondering if he is backing off). To me, communication is vital.

We've been very up front with each other. Even though he brought up the relationship question, I'm getting the idea now that he doesn't want to 'talk' about anything like that. I haven't tried to talk about it, it's just that he doesn't so that's where I'm getting the idea from. I do have the 'need' to talk about it but I'm letting him lead the way. We generally talk about what happened during the day, and stuff like that. He'll ask how my day was, I'll ask how his was. I take it most guys don't want to talk relationship stuff?

Oh, and I ordered the book. ;-) Figured if ya'll recommended it, it had to be good. Ya'll have been SO helpful to me since January.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574
Likes: 1
I don't know, prissanna, texting "hey you wyd" doesn't really sound like that much fun. I think as you spend more time together in person instead of mostly texting it will get really obvious how you two feel about one another. Have fun smile


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
Hi Prissanna, glad you ordered the book. I was going to try to give you a synopsis of what I've read so far, but since you ordered it, no need. I can say at this point though, I wish I had read stuff like this a long time ago.

I've been perplexed by POJA ever since I first read about it. BRF has given me glimpses of how it works and has promised more explanation to come, later in the book, which I'm anxiously waiting to get to. My problem is I usually read at night when I go to bed, and most nights it's a struggle to keep my eyeballs open after a couple of pages.

It's funny (not haha) that you think most guys don't like to talk relationship stuff. You might be right, but I love it! I've come to the conclusion recently that romantic relationships are the most complicated things in the universe; even compared to nuclear physics, brain surgery, black holes, you name it. I happen to like complexity, however, and learning about relationships is fascinating. I think Dr. Harley wrote in BRF that having a fulfilling lifetime relationship is one of life's greatest achievements, and I agree.

I read a Psychology Today article on marriage within the last year that said something like (don't quote me on this, this is from memory) "marriage is not about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person." I'm looking at relationship books such as BRF to learn how to be a better relationship partner. When I hopefully meet "the one," I want to already know how to be a good relationship partner; I don't want to be learning it on the fly.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
The 30 people advice is not 30 people at ONCE, its 30 people you have dated in total before you settle on one to marry.

Though Dr H says if you date 30 people in a year, you will find your ideal match. However if you're older and have dated some, you can scale down the number as long as you still have contrast effect.

I don't think anyone should be behaving like a buyer, and talking exclusivity and long term commitment after two weeks.

This prevents you from comparing and contrasting with other dates. You wouldn't buy a house after seeing just one, would you?

Dr Hs B,R and FL approach encourages you to be a freeloader early on and choose someone easy to be around, shopping around fully for that right someone. Then you upgrade to a renter and a buyer mentality only comes in when you are ready to discuss marriage.

A lot of people try to be a buyer first, focusing all that attention on just one candidate. Which makes them obssess, naturally. They of course plan to bail on the relationship later if it doesn't work out. Which involves downgrading from buyer, renter to freeloader.

Downgrading is bad. Upgrading is better. You should start with freeloader and let the relationship work its way up to buyer.

You have the choice of the relationship being casual now - or casual later.

Its best to start casual and build up - rather than start serious and break it down.

And then a lot of time has been wasted with no other candidates or lovebanks worked on if it was exclusive the entire time.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Using MB terms, you should freeload in the dating phase.
However Dr Harley does recommend several months before dating after divorce.




Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Thanks ya'll! The BRF is now making more sense to me! I know I've still got a good bit of healing to do and that will take time. I'm learning and growing daily.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 571
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 571
Originally Posted by indiegirl
This prevents you from comparing and contrasting with other dates. You wouldn't buy a house after seeing just one, would you?

That depends actually. If I had owned homes in the past, if I got an inspection, if I was in a super hot market, and the price was right I might very well not need to see any others.

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
I've been thinking about the comparison between shopping for an important item, such as a home, and shopping for a relationship partner. I think the need to shop around differs from person to person. Those who want the contrast effect support the position that you should have plenty (30 per Dr. Harley) of dating experiences so that you can compare and know that you're getting the best relationship partner. I think one reason some people need this is, they don't know exactly what they want, and seeing lots of options helps them define what they want.

Other people can shop very little and make a decision quickly. For instance, in the house example, when my xW and I were house hunting, we met with a realtor, give her our price range and a rough idea of what we were looking for, and she showed us around. After the first half a day, I was ready to make a decision; the best of the houses we had seen was perfectly fine with me. My xW on the other hand, wanted to continue shopping, and we spent 5 more days looking for a house. We ended up choosing one that we had found during the first day of shopping, but she needed the assurance that we had shopped around sufficiently.

I think the reason some people don't need to shop as much for a relationship partner (or a home) is because they know what they want, and they may find it well before dating 30 or so people.

HDW pointed out the advice to wait several months after divorce before dating, and I think I've seen recommendations as much as 2 years after. The point is that too soon after divorce, and your perception of what you want may be skewed by neediness. I think one of the benefits of allowing divorce recovery to occur before dating is so that "what you believe you want" is what you really want.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by kerala
if I was in a super hot market, and the price was right

To know this you would have had to shop and investigate. Either online, in the newspapers etc. If you've been out of the market for a while,and ignoring what else is out there you can only discover the prices and state of the market one way - by shopping in some form.

Now you don't necessarily have to do viewings (dates). You COULD just windowshop and see what you like for sale as you drive around (windowshopping for men is the same as any other kind!)

But obviously actual viewings AND windowshopping is the most efficient plan.

I think the important thing is the freeloader 'shop around' attitude.

As long as the person isn't diving headfirst after divorce into an exclusive 'let's pretend to be a buyer but bail later' relationship.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 226 guests, and 92 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Comfortable Shoe, Sourdine, Abela Laye, Ardent Center, Lost@1969
71,846 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5