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Quote:
Right now all I want to do is lay on the couch and cry.


I'll make you a deal. Cry all you want, just not on the couch. You are allowed to cry while you walk. That's what I did. I went to the local park with a walking track. I muttered and cried my way around the track until I was emotionally spent and/or my legs gave out .... whichever came first. Then I went home, showered and cleaned up my house. Organize your closet while you cry. Mop your kitchen floor while you cry.

The couch cryer is pathetic. The active cryer is working things out !!!

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I just haven't reached the point where I WANT to enjoy myself yet.


Plan A rules must be followed! Self care is important. That's why I included it in my Carrot/Stick link (below). Self care gives you the right to take care of and love YOU. You are important. You matter.

You do not have to want to enjoy yourself to get yourself active.
Being in Plan A requires you do all sorts of things that you may not want to do.


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I would not just change the locks, most husbands aren't going to have a difficult time breaking in, which they can legally do if you are not legally separated (their name is usually on the mortgage or rental agreement). I would also employ the use of a security company, complete with code, something that sets an alarm off, enough to startle the daylights out of him!


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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So when I go to the attorney, should I go ahead and get legally separated, or not? I'm conflicted about that. . .on one hand, it could possibly protect me from anything he might do, but on the other hand, it doesn't seem very "Plan A". What do you guys think?

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Did you see this?
Get your legal preparations in line.
Originally Posted By: Pepperband
From "The art of war" thread ........

Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Force is the control of the balance of power, in accordance with advantages.

In Plan A ... the BS restores their power to affect change. Plan A gives the BS an advantage with their intimate knowledge of their spouse's ENs.

Warfare is the Way of deception.

Deception meaning .... showing more strength than you might possess at that given time ! Hiding your weaknesses. Plan A ... not begging, crying, pleading ... standing tall and presenting a self ready to battle & fight for the marriage.

Therefore, if able, appear unable,

Plan A ... let your WS provide you with things that save your energy for future need.

if active, appear not active,

When snooping about like a squirrel searching for seeds of the affair, appear calm & serene ... Plan A snooping is done quietly & without announcing >>> "Ah-Ha ... Look what I found !". Be stealth.

if near, appear far,

Plan A ... keep your WS guessing where you are.

if far, appear near.

What seems just out of reach is sometimes more attractive. What seems a sure thing, is taken for granted.

If they have advantage, entice them;

Offer the WS goodies ... as in meet their ENs.

if they are confused, take them,

Plan A is confusing to the WS. They would prefer the BS appear ugly & unattractive in order to justify their cheating. It is confusing for the WS to see an attractive BS.

if they are substantial, prepare for them,

Plan A ... get all your ducks lined up. Legal preparations. Financial preparations. Spiritual preparations. Etc.

if they are strong, avoid them,

Plan A is not plan doormat. They can wipe their feet elsewhere, but not on your back. Accepting abuse is not an attractive trait.

if they are angry, disturb them,

LOL .... this is precicely Orchid's "reverse babble" .... The WS speaks with foggy tongue, disturb them with O's reverse babble.

if they are humble, make them haughty,

If the WS is over-confident, they become sloppy & make errors.

if they are relaxed, toil them,

Keeping an affair going is exhausting to the WS. It's like a juggling act. Throw the WS another ball to keep in the air. The affair will fall when the juggler becomes exhausted by the added effort.

if they are united, separate them.

Do not become the fool that encourages both the WS and the OP to join forces. If you act insane during Plan A, they have a common enemy to fight ~~~> YOU !

Attack where they are not prepared, go out to where they do not expect.

Do the UNexpected in Plan A. Keep the WS guessing & wondering.

This specialized warfare leads to victory, and may not be transmitted beforehand.

Do not give away your plans.... do not show the WS your books. Do not invite the WS to this site. Stealth.

Before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will win, because many calculations were made

Plan ... you must have a Plan or you will suffer & be defeated.

before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will not win, because few calculations were made

Don't waste time flailing about .... get organized & recruit helpers.

many calculations, victory, few calculations, no victory, then how much less so when no calculations

Do not proceed by your feelings alone. Develop your plan.

By means of these, I can observe them, beholding victory or defeat!

The BS who refuse to develop & follow a plan, are most likely to fail.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Take the toothbrush and scrub the shower corners with it.


I recommend doing under the toilet seat as well.

First on the agenda is changing those locks. BTW - any relatives or close friends that you can invite to stay over a few days?


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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Originally Posted By: ManInMotion


First on the agenda is changing those locks. BTW - any relatives or close friends that you can invite to stay over a few days?


Locks are changed, I did that today. I've had people coming to stay with me for at least part of the day, but I've been sending them home at night so I have some time to myself to process. I have a number of people who will come running if I feel concerned. All I have to do is pick up the phone.

My friends and family have been INCREDIBLY supportive (and you guys have too). That makes this easier to bear. I WILL make it through this. I WILL be ok with or without him. If he never comes out of his fog, I will at least have the assurance that I did everything I could on my side.

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good girl! i totally agree with pep, only i'm a real witch. i would scrub the shower AND the whole dang toilet bowl (after a visit, of course), then hand over his personal stuff with a SMILE!

remember, plan a is carrot AND STICK. the separation agreement is the STICK. YOU are the CARROT.

grin


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
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Originally Posted By: LewSully
So when I go to the attorney, should I go ahead and get legally separated, or not? I'm conflicted about that. . .on one hand, it could possibly protect me from anything he might do, but on the other hand, it doesn't seem very "Plan A". What do you guys think?


Yes, I would pursue any legal avenues for protecting yourself financially be it filing for a separation or a divorce.

You can do a Plan A or B independent of what you do legally.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Originally Posted By: LewSully
So when I go to the attorney, should I go ahead and get legally separated, or not? I'm conflicted about that. . .on one hand, it could possibly protect me from anything he might do, but on the other hand, it doesn't seem very "Plan A". What do you guys think?


Have you read the carrot/stick link in my sig line?

Top to bottom?

Disallow financial ruin/risks when possible.

You just do not know what financial shenanigans a wayward might pull. We've seen a BW fall to pieces because her WH spent a fortune on crap for the OW on the joint credit card !!!!!! Trips to Vegas (many). Jewelry. etc.

Just ask the attorney if he/she recommends anything in particular to protect you from WH's spending monies on his affair.

Plan A is also about consequences.

Last edited by Pepperband; 08/17/12 10:14 AM.
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Originally Posted By: LewSully


Locks are changed, I did that today. I've had people coming to stay with me for at least part of the day, but I've been sending them home at night so I have some time to myself to process. I have a number of people who will come running if I feel concerned. All I have to do is pick up the phone.

My friends and family have been INCREDIBLY supportive (and you guys have too). That makes this easier to bear. I WILL make it through this. I WILL be ok with or without him. If he never comes out of his fog, I will at least have the assurance that I did everything I could on my side.


You are awesome! dance2 hurray

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Lew, I want to be clear.

Plan A The toothbrush:
Buy WH a spanking new one and surprise WH with that. Use the old one however you see fit.

Plan A the attorney:
Mostly a fact-finding mission. You need to know what may be ahead.
Laws vary from state to state. Learn what applies to your situation.
Ask about a "no-fault" state vs a state where you can name adultery as a cause.
Find out if a separation is adventageous for you.
Also find out what will happen if WH files for divorce.
In some cases, it is an advantage for the BS to file first because then the BS has the ability to drag the process out for a long time as the affair runs it's course.
Bring in a list of questions.
Debt
Health care insurance
Car insurance
House hold expenses
Savings
Tax refund
etc etc etc
Make sure you tell the attorney you actually want to save the marriage but cover your backside at the same time.

OKay?

Last edited by Pepperband; 08/17/12 11:03 AM.
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Lew, take a look at all the pink slips of the various vehicles.
Are they registered as Mr AND Mrs?
Are they registered as Mr OR Mrs?
Or, something else?

Regarding the vehicle on which you still owe 36 grand .... Is it's current value greater than or lesser than 36 grand?

Last edited by Pepperband; 08/17/12 11:09 AM.
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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Originally Posted By: LewSully


Locks are changed, I did that today. I've had people coming to stay with me for at least part of the day, but I've been sending them home at night so I have some time to myself to process. I have a number of people who will come running if I feel concerned. All I have to do is pick up the phone.

My friends and family have been INCREDIBLY supportive (and you guys have too). That makes this easier to bear. I WILL make it through this. I WILL be ok with or without him. If he never comes out of his fog, I will at least have the assurance that I did everything I could on my side.

You are awesome! dance2 hurray

DITTO!!!


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Lew, take a look at all the pink slips of the various vehicles.
Are they registered as Mr AND Mrs?
Are they registered as Mr OR Mrs?
Or, something else?

Regarding the vehicle on which you still owe 36 grand .... Is it's current value greater than or lesser than 36 grand?


Some of them are in my name, and some are in his. The one we owe money on ($26,000 not $36,000 btw), is worth $28-$30 grand probably. Anyone interested in a 1996 Toyota Supra? 2JZ Twin-Turbo! ;-)

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This part sure is hard. . . Dealing with his anger and resentment and just waiting. I hate waiting. :-(

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What are you waiting for? To go into plan b?

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He's in the post-exposure anger stage. I'm sure I'll be waiting a long time. Waiting for him to either come out of his fog or force me to divorce him somehow. I'm just having a bad day, I guess. Still mourning the loss of the man I love so much and the marriage that made us both so happy for a few years anyway.

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Don't feel like your waiting. How is your Plan A looking? Have you tried talking to him? Does he know what it will take for you to remain in the marriage - NC, transparency, honesty, EP's, UA time, and a commitment to a program for recovery?

~RQ

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Originally Posted By: LewSully
This part sure is hard. . . Dealing with his anger and resentment and just waiting. I hate waiting. :-(



The beauty of MB is that you are no longer sitting around waiting. You have a Plan and that gives you control.


Waiting gives him control. Do not give him control.


If you are in Plan A right now, then start getting your Plan B ready for when "you decide" that you are ready to push that button. Work your plan with no expectations except how you can control your own life and your own recovery.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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