Good and welcome mrsEureka.

Hello Everyone,

After over a year, I'm just posting a quick follow-up. My husband (mr. eureka) has posted a lot of what has happened to us.

Even after a year, we still talk about some aspect of the affair probably every day. It has taken me until just recently to feel that I have healed and my husband still has a long way to go before he can truly feel safe again.

I learned so much this past year. It wasn't the path I would choose to grow, but learning just the same. My husband and I both miss the innocence we had before I had my affair. We were one of those couples who got along very well, and neither of us would have ever thought that we would fall victim to what happened to us. We had a strong marriage. We had to; being parents of a child with autism will either drive you together or apart, and we chose together.

I understand sexual harassment very well now. My affair partner was my supervisor, who had been flattering me for years with both compliments about my work performance and my appearance. He would not have been able to get away with so much crap had he not been my supervisor and I had to listen to him. When our affair was discovered, he told his supervisor it was a case of "two friends who fell in love" which was a lot of baloney.

Anyway, what I really wanted to post about was how long it takes for the fog to lift. For me, despite my relief at the affair being discovered and ended and the ceasing of all contact with my supervisor, I still felt guilt and shame plus a part of me missed the attention, as pathetic as that sounds. My husband thinks that I came out of the fog around January (DOD was June 1); I'd say even later because even though I wasn't thinking fond thoughts of my supervisor, I was still thinking about him and worrying that he might show up since I am still at the same location where the bulk of the affair took place. One of my former coworkers ran into him recently, and he told her some sob story about retiring from his job because with his ill health, he just couldn't handle it. Oddly enough, this outright lying was the clincher for me. He was actually quietly fired and removed from the company's roster.

Please me patient with your WS's fog. Keep loving your spouse like my husband loved me, and eventually your face will be the only one your spouse wants to see. It will be WORK like you've never had before to bring your marriage to a place of comfort and peace, but I can tell you, it is SO worth it!

mrs.eureka

Thank you for the update, Mrs. E. We are so happy to hear of how things are going for you guys, and I think you make some excellent points in your post about being patient.

It's been good to have your husband posting around here a bit, too. I hope you guys won't be strangers!

self delete because maritalbliss already answered the question

Can u explain what you mean by this?

May I ask how long term was the A?

Also do you know of any others on this forum who overcame VLTA by their wife?

What is ETA?

And since A can happen even in good marriages, is it accurate so suggest that each one involved or resulted from an unmet need?

My WW affair was with an old collage boyfriend with whom she had seen for a few months. She recently admitted that she was not unhappy with our marriage at the time it started. She said it started with a "curiosity kiss." Our marriage was not perfect at the time it occurred, but I was trying to meet her needs to the extent I understood them.

So you mean the HOW is answered for you by considering the addictive nature of affairs?

Thanks for these honest reflections, but they have me concerned. How long do WW really take to come out of a fog?

You think it took you more than 6 months and as I recall you never had sex with the OM. I am still learning.

I think you should visit regularly and wear your sidearm!!

Mrs. Eureka,

As the A began and progressed did you rationalize or justify it in your mind by putting your H down in your mind? Did you in any way dwell on his faults to make what you were doing was fair or appropriate?

My understanding is that this is typical for WW to do. Am I correct in this?

"Edited to add".

My wife's affair occurred primarily because she did not close off her love bank and allowed someone other than me to make deposits. In both of her affairs, this other person was a direct supervisor. In the most recent affair, the supervisor deliberately went after my wife, and worked on her for years before she caved in. The "curiosity kiss" sounds very much like the same sort of situation. It wasn't that you were missing addressing her ENs so much as it was that she chose to let someone else make love unit deposits.

These issues are addressed in recovery by putting in place EPs that make the affair essentially impossible to repeat in the same way. In my wife's case, she can never again have a male for a supervisor. In your wife's case, connections to past boyfriends must be severed. This may mean no class reunions, no social media - nothing that would allow a male from her past to slip in there and deposit love units. You wife needs to be proactive in closing off her love bank to others. Your meeting her ENs will certainly help.

Oh, I do visit regularly! But the rest of that suggestion will have to be relegated to fantasy. I have harbored lots of fantasies since DD. Tying OPs to anthills, dropping off bridges, throwing out of airplanes, etc. etc.

How are things Mr. E?

Everything has been going well. We have been very busy.

My wife received a job offer at a location within a 20 minute drive from our new house located in another state 500 miles from here. It is a perfect fit for our needs, so she will be accepting it. We have about a month to get ready to move. I need to complete the retirement procedures for my present employer, and then move down there as soon as I can. I will be working at establishing my own software business once I am there. There will be a mismatch in time of a month or two when my wife will be working down there and I will still be up here. This seems unavoidable. We are going to be seeing each other on weekends, and we are still trying to figure out other ways to minimize the separation. I will be busy finishing my job here and getting our house ready to sell in the meantime.

So, we will be moving to another state, but we will be spending about 20-40 nights apart to achieve that. This is a compromise that we are not happy about, but I can�t think of any other way to do it.

We are continuing to work the MB program. I have found it to be very important for me as a BS to learn how to give up the high ground when it comes to morality. I�m doing much better. My wife can now express indignation over the antics of politicians or whoever, and I no longer automatically think to myself �aren�t you being a bit hypocritical?�

We were on the radio show today, discussing the separation issue associated with our upcoming move.

SO What did you think?

I think one should always take advice seriously when one asks for it.

My wife and I haven't had a chance to discuss Dr. H's advice yet. We will do so this evening. We would both be very happy to zero out the separation. My opinion is that the Lord has brought us to this point, and He has a solution for us. Dr. H is an important voice in discovering that solution. The answer isn't at our fingertips just now.

After we got offline, Dr. H pronounced us fully recovered. I didn't hear that until listening to the rebroadcast.

I'm going to be looking forward to hearing this one.