Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
#2657266 08/18/12 07:47 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 508
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 508
IHelp a tired wife..

Last edited by tiredwife45; 08/18/12 11:36 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Welcome to MB.

This is a wonderful program to have a wonderful marriage.

Have you read this? A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote:
I would like to do the checklists and have the conversations in the back of the book, but I have absolutely no idea where to start.
Welcome to Marriage Builders, TW. May I make a suggestion on where to start?

THROW AWAY THE 'TO DO' LISTS. BOTH OF YOU. You need to have a 'list-free' weekend, with nothing that your H 'has' to get done. I fear these to-do lists have successfully distracted your husband (and you) from your main priority: your marriage. I think your H is addicted to making lists - some people use lists as a way of feeling in control of their life. It actually has the opposite effect, as you have seen. Why in the world would your H make it a weekend priority to fix a fence, when what both of you need is time together, spent on each other? You can't even manage a back rub during the week! My friend, this is serious.
Quote:

He comes home so tired and so depressed. He no longer wants to be on call. He would be happy to be able to just stay home 24/7 with us at home with all of his projects that or traveling.
He may want to consider switching jobs.
Quote:
I've suggested he quit but he says he cannot.
Of course he can. He doesn't owe his soul to his employer.

I was concerned to read about the number of hours he is away from you. No one's getting any younger, here, TW. You're going to blink, and the kids will be gone. And there you'll be, with a list-making stranger repairing a fence in your back yard. I don't think that's what either of you want, is it?

I'd start with chucking the To-Do list so you can free up time for each other. (Side note: there are people who would be very happy to do things like fixing fences for a reasonable wage.)


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
The Policy of Undivided Attention Give this a read, TW, and let us know what you think.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 508
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 508
15 hours seems impossible. I'm not even sure we did that when we were dating... Let me try to remember..he was in med school and I was in college 2 hours away. We did talk on he phone every other day or so. He would come up for the weekend. We would have a date on Friday night. He would spend Saturday studying at the library. ( He had to for his exams.) We would go to church together and have lunch and he would go back.

For those of you who say change jobs..what else does a surgeon do?? He is counting down the 8 years until retirement when the last kid is in college. He then wants to do full time mission work. I've tried to talk him into doing it now but the kids are still here so that won't work.. 15 hours...when. Honestly, how do I get him to give up the lists. I don't know how and I thought it wasn't about changing him but changing ME. I can't change him.. I have to find a way to live with it and be happy.

He feels like a failure because our 50 acre farm doesn't look like a showplace, his shop isn't perfectly organized, every patient doesn't have a perfect outcome, his kids aren't perfectly behaved, etc. and it is all HIS fault!!! sigh

Last edited by tiredwife45; 08/18/12 09:36 AM.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote:
Honestly, how do I get him to give up the lists.
Have you asked him? Have you talked to him about this?

Think, TW. If you could have an afternoon with just the two of you on, say, Sunday - that's 4-6 hours right there. If he could cut back his work load to free up one hour a day, you're up to 10 hours. I'm not saying it's easy to do, once a marriage has dropped to the bottom of the priority list, but it is imperative. You've got to help push it back up to the top of the pile.

Brainstorm this. What would the two of you enjoy doing together?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 508
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 508
All of you are using TW, what does that stand for? Think TW...?? MB stands for Marriage Builder but what does TW stand for. No.. I don't know how to talk to him.. I don't want to disappoint him or make things worse. Plus, how do I know that I am right... I mean lists are good. Sitting around doing nothing is being lazy, correct? Seriously, he sits and watches tv only when he is sick which is 2x a year. He APOLOGIZES for being lazy if he sits and watches a quarter of football. I know most wives would be envious as they would love to get there husbands off the couch. I just have the opposite problem..

We just got back from a 2 and 1/2 week vacation. ( He has to have 2 weeks off every quarter for his sanity. We have homeschooled so the kids can go with us, but now the older two are 17 adn 15 taking dual credit classes and can't go and we can't leave them and dh is depressed about that as well.) Anyway, in the middle of the night I was crying and he asked me what was wrong... I said that I didn't think he even liked me anymore. He said nothing..nothing. The next night in the middle of the night when neither of us could sleep he said that he was sorry that he loved me very, very much and was sorry I even felt like that... He then said that he thought that I cared more about the church stuff than him... I explained how I thought I was showing him love and then asked him how I could make him feel loved. We must be talking different love languages or something.. He just said, "I don't know.."

Honestly, I feel like he needs professional help but I don't know how to find it. Probably I do as well. Nor do I know how to work up the courage to even talk about it.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: tiredwife45

But I am tired. I've looked in the phone book for counselors but I have to be so careful. He is scared to death of anyone thinking him weak. I cannot ask our pastor either...number 1 he was a patient and friend but our church is now a mess. Our pastor and another pastor have left. I am the peacemaker in this situation trying desperately to find a way to hold this together... There is no one to talk to there...plus they are all his patients....


Hi tiredwife, welcome to Marriage Builders. I was getting tired reading your post! My suggestion would be to sign up for the MB online course. Many of us have used this and have transformed our marriages. You would have daily access to Dr Harley, a licensed clinical psychologist, and he would help you and your husband change your lives so it is possible achieve a happy, romantic marriage.

The course is conducted online. You start off by watching Dr Harley's videos and then your assigned coach walks you through a series of lessons that span over a years time. You would have daily access to Dr Harley over on the private forum. My H and I went through this in 2007 and it is a wonderful program that really makes an amazing difference.

This would be perfect for your situation because you would be getting the very BEST in the business and it would be anonymous.

If you want to get an idea of how Dr Harley operates, click on his radio link above and you can hear him talk about his program.

One thing that stands out to me from reading your post is that your husband is probably depressed from his career. Dr Harley could help him look for solutions to that problem. Additionally, it seems that everything else comes BEFORE your marriage which means that your lifestyles can't sustain a happy marriage. When the marriage comes LAST, it withers and dies.

Here are some links I think might be helpful:

Meet Dr Harley

How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

MB online course


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: tiredwife45
I've tried to talk him into doing it now but the kids are still here so that won't work.. 15 hours...when. Honestly, how do I get him to give up the lists. I don't know how and I thought it wasn't about changing him but changing ME. I can't change him.. I have to find a way to live with it and be happy.


15 hours is only impossible when one puts the marriage last. There really IS time available when you prioritize and put less important things AFTER your own time is scheduled.

This is another reason why you need the help of Dr Harley. Dr Harley can be a great influence on him and help him find solutions that complement his marriage instead of harm it.

The worst thing you can do is just accept the status quo when you know it doesn't work. It doesn't work for you, for him and especially your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: tiredwife45
Anyway, in the middle of the night I was crying and he asked me what was wrong... I said that I didn't think he even liked me anymore. He said nothing..nothing.


TW, the #1 cause of divorce is NEGLECT and you are right to be addressing this. You are the canary in the coal mine and you should not let up until there is a plan in place to change your marriage. You DON'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS.

If you can get him to agree to join the MB course, Dr Harley could help your husband make changes that would complement your marriage.

Dr H would tell you to not let up until this problem is resolved. Keep it on the front burner until it is addressed.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Hi, TiredWife. Welcome to Marriage Builders. Please stick with us and let us help you find out how to do all these things that seem impossible. If you will fix the most important problems in your life first (having a good marriage), you will find you have a lot more energy to tackle the other problems in life.

You will also have a fantastic ally: your husband.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: tiredwife45
All of you are using TW, what does that stand for? Think TW...?? MB stands for Marriage Builder but what does TW stand for.


It stands for you!

Quote:
Honestly, I feel like he needs professional help but I don't know how to find it. Probably I do as well. Nor do I know how to work up the courage to even talk about it.


Would your husband post here?

Have you printed out any of the articles on this site and handed them to him? Dr. Harley's material is designed for wives to buy / pick up, and hand to their husbands, believe it or not. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Dr H would tell you to not let up until this problem is resolved. Keep it on the front burner until it is addressed.


This is right, TW. Be persistent. Make the other problems and issues in life lower priority, and stay on this one.

Your husband needs you to be honest about how important this is to you. You were made with this way, with these feelings, for a reason, and if he will address this, he'll discover what a blessing it is.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2657354 08/18/12 01:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
You need to be persistent in your requests to your husband, in the same way that a Christian needs to be persistent in requests to God:

Luke 18:
Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2 He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.'

4 "For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself,
'Even though I dont fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she wont eventually come and attack me!'"

6 And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

Keep the problem on the front burner.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2657356 08/18/12 01:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 508
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 508
Oh my goodness no. He would be mortified to know I've even gone on this site. He is an open book. He tells me how he feels all of the time..constantly. I just don't want to make him feel like it is his fault. It is my problem. You probably noticed I deleted the original post just so no one will ever see it and recognize him. [/quote]

Would your husband post here?

Have you printed out any of the articles on this site and handed them to him? Dr. Harley's material is designed for wives to buy / pick up, and hand to their husbands, believe it or not. smile [/quote]

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 508
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 508
I will say that I have started a letter to him that spells out how I feel. I was wishing I could have someone look it over and see what they think. I just do better writing things down. I've just changed so much in how I feel about things since we were married and I'm not sure he would approve and don't know that it is fair that I am changing the rules. So I keep silent.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: tiredwife45
Oh my goodness no. He would be mortified to know I've even gone on this site. He is an open book. He tells me how he feels all of the time..constantly. I just don't want to make him feel like it is his fault. It is my problem. You probably noticed I deleted the original post just so no one will ever see it and recognize him.


Would your husband post here?

Have you printed out any of the articles on this site and handed them to him? Dr. Harley's material is designed for wives to buy / pick up, and hand to their husbands, believe it or not. smile [/quote] [/quote]

This stuff doesn't work if you are the only one doing it. You can't solve that 15 hour problem alone, for example. But if we can help you convince him that it is important enough to give it a try, the two of you will be able to solve that problem.

Quote:
I just don't want to make him feel like it is his fault. It is my problem.


No, it is a marital problem, and the two of you have to solve it together. You can't solve it alone, and you can't just make it not be a problem.

You need to be open and honest with your husband about the problem.

Have you read the basic concepts and articles on this site?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: tiredwife45
I will say that I have started a letter to him that spells out how I feel. I was wishing I could have someone look it over and see what they think. I just do better writing things down.


Please post it here, and the folks here will help look it over and suggest changes to make sure you stand the best chance of getting his attention with this problem.

Quote:
I've just changed so much in how I feel about things since we were married and I'm not sure he would approve and don't know that it is fair that I am changing the rules. So I keep silent.


It's not so much about rules -- people change in life all the time. The question is do we just follow life where it leads us and change randomly and chaotically, or do we study and plan and do it intentionally and, as married people, change WITH our husband and wife, so that we grow closer together, as God intended?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2657377 08/18/12 03:31 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
Tired Wife
My heart goes out to you. I get the impression you are both responsible hard working folks. Dr. Surgeon, homeschooling kids, wanting the best for them working your hardest to keep everything together. However you seem trapped in your roles. The old way of doing things is no longer working.

Your husband is a proud man who is used to dispensing answers and healing people, making a difference. Trained in a profession that requires being on 24/7. You have been supportive and understanding, wanting the best for everyone. But what do you do not that the old way is no longer working.

We grow up with ideas that will propel us into a successful life. And that measure of success can be very different from person to person. By this worlds measure you sound like you are successful financially, and with your family. But things are not working any longer. As the saying goes if things don't change they will stay the same. We naturally avoid change until we are forced to change or we hit bottom and there is no choice but to change. The winds of change are blowing in your life. You sound intelligent and sensitive so you see the early warning signs. However change involves some risk.

You are the best judge of your situation. From your post it sounds like your husband really cares. You likely shocked him the other night and that is why he did not respond. It sounds like he needs time to process things and give a reasoned response. It sounds like he is a hard worker. Do you understand why he is such a hard worker? What is his motivation? This will be part of the key to introduce change.

My suspicion is he relies on you more than you have indicated here. He sounds like an old fashioned guy. Work hard, gut it out, keep your shoulder to the wheel, things will work out in time. My suspicion is he relies on you for emotional intelligence. But because of his work ethic and his competence you hold back.

It is time for you to be the canary in the coal mine. He is likely feeling trapped too but does not know how to change. I suspect he needs your help. The first step is going to admit there is a problem. Determine what the problem is then find a solution.

You need a new way of doing things. Marriage Builders can give you a proven method of doing that. So it comes to some important questions around what your priorities are. Is your relationship more important than stuff? (i.e. the looks of the farm, the shop being messy) You both will have to agree on what is most important and give permission that some things will just not get done. I presume the relationship is important to you because that is why you are here. I presume the relationship is important to your husband too, but he is trying to show it by providing for your needs and working himself to death. ITS NOT WORKING!

So is it time to take the risk and make some changes? Or do you want to wait until you hit bottom and start thinking about separation and all the pain that goes with that. I think you know the answer to that question.

Talk to your husband. Make an appointment with the Harleys to get to the key issues. This will help your husband get some confidence in the process.

Good Luck
BC Boy

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote:
Oh my goodness no. He would be mortified to know I've even gone on this site.
Which is why, I'm sure, that you deleted your original post. We all know that there is no way he would know you've been on this site unless you tell him. So it's not your concern that 'someone recognizes' him from the vague description you've given.

Why are you so afraid to talk to your husband? Why are you so afraid to tell him how you feel?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (anchorwatch), 37 guests, and 42 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MishellLarson, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,567
Members71,683
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5