Thank you so much for the good wishes.

Great idea on the stop sign. I will definitely keep that one in mind. We are always looking for suggestions. Maybe someday I will be a vet on here with the answers.

Nah. No offense taken at all on the other thread. Thanks for saying that though. We all have good intentions around here.

After what I have been through my skin is as thick as an elephant!

Hi 20yrs,

Here's a thread which I found very helpful in my early recovery:

Managing memories and dealing with triggers

I hope clearmind will read it, too.

Thank you. Good refresher. I have read this before.

Seems so easy on paper...Biggest lesson I learned on this is to try to short circuit my mind to stop that flood of emotions at the 2minute mark. Easier said than done.

I really understand why Dr. Harley says never bring up the A ever again. Feeling those old emotions suck.

The A is a giant distasteful meatball hanging over the marriage. As you protect yourself and her from another A, the meatball moves further away. If you bring it up in any fashion the meatball moves back over the marriage darkening the skies and making things lousy.

Eventually, Im hoping, the meatball disappears.

If you have a wife committed to your marriage and doing all the things you asked for, then YOU are the one keeping the meatball tethered to your home. Untie that sucker by not bring up the A.

Id like some spaghetti for dinner tonight.

No kidding. I do not want to be the one that prevents our R from being complete.

You just made me hungry.....

So, 15 years ago today I put a ring on my finger. It is still there and I plan on wearing it to my grave.



I am taking suggestions from all BS�s to help me coin a new phrase.

It is pretty lame but the best I have come up with is �Future-versary�

This day is to celebrate what is to come, not what has been.

I am sure Webster�s would love to add a new word to the dictionary! With all the bright minds on this forum, surly we can come up with a winner.

duh! wrong thread!!

Happy Anniversary 20years and clearmind!!

I love reading your story. You are showing such character, integrity, love and respect for your wife and marriage. It is really wonderful to experience your recovery and see your marriage blossom. I hope you and clearmind have a beautiful day. Thank you for sharing with us.

Happy "Future-Versary" anniversary.

Well...since we use "anti-versary" for the bad dates, how about "pro-verary" lol

Have a GREAT day!

HAPPY "NEW-VERSARY"

I like this!!!!

Thanks, everyone for the nice wishes.


I like the New-Versary. Good one.


Was really touched by W's card last night. It was all hand written and entitled "the 15 things I love about you" (15th anniversary)


Inside the card, she listed the most beautiful things---the 15 things she admires and loves about me.

Personal and thoughtful. Couldn't have recieved a nicer gift.

I was really touched.


Getting geared up for the big weekend now!

Yes ditto!

Double Ditto! LOL

Keep that card somewhere you can access it at will, 20. It could be one of those things that helps you when you trigger.

Hey 20years. Did I tell you about the time my FWH came home from all day convention and told me how much the receptionist really loved his jacket?

I asked him what his response was and he said "thanks" but he conveyed it to me with a big happy smile.

I felt my heart sink. He thought he did the right thing by telling me. While I thought here we go again. FWH has no clue.


So I started to teach him how to appropriately respond and react to these types of situations. The better response would have been "Thank you. My lovely wife bought it for me and I will let her know how much you liked it." That sends out the message that he is happily married.

I had to help FWH become aware of the messages that he sends out to others. Sometimes just a few simple words make all the difference. He honestly didn't know.

It takes practice to get the boundaries tight. You can't control who will approach your wife...but you can help her build her fences. You are a team.

That must have made you feel awful. I know that feeling in the pit of my stomach too well.

I am realizing the further down the R road we go, the more things we need to discuss and shore up.

If you read what happened last Friday in clearmind's thread, my main concern is having confidence that she can effectively hold up boundaries and defend our M. You are right, I can�t control what others do but damn it�I can�t be around her every minute of every day to monitor her interactions with others and know if she is actually defending her personal and our marital boundaries.

This was not the first time this person has sent her a personal email either. I give my W credit as she did let me know right away that he emailed her but I was disappointed that her FIRST impulse wasn�t to fire an email back to him denouncing his personal email.

I however, immediately picked up the phone and called his a** and told him what was up. I wasn�t any too happy during the conversation and he got the message. W and I did talk about how to handle situations like this in the future and I think she will respond differently. If not, we have a real problem.

We BOTH hold responsibility to defend our boundaries and our M. Not asking her to do anything I am not willing to do as well.

Worse part about the incident is that it brought back all those terrible feelings of dday as this means and methods of emails were exactly how her A started.

Great job on calling the guy.

There will be many triggers...things still happen in my own situation.

I had the best results when i viewed things like this as an opportunity to help my FWH fix the weak spots in his boundaries.

It is a great feeling to work as a team to protect our marriage. It really brings us closer together.

Well, of all my shortcomings the one thing I don't lack is courage.

Thank you for the words of wisdom. They were helpful to both of us. I know what you mean about these experiences bringing you closer together. We have discussed this aspect as well.

No such thing as a bad moment to get closer. you know?