TW, i just read through your long post and that is not the sentiment of someone who can be made happy just because someone else is happy. That is not how a happy marriage is created. A happy marriage is created when spouses are meeting each others needs and spending enough ALONE with each other to sustain a marriage. Your marriage does none of that.

You told him in that letter about his lack of attention to your needs. A person gets married with the expectation that their needs will be met. Perhaps he is meeting your need for financial support, but that is it.

I think there is a lot wrong here that is not being faced.

Then why won't you take my advice and have Dr Harley work with him? I don't understand. You say you are looking for solutions and when those solutions are given, you don't listen to them.

Are you really looking for solutions?

So I am supposed to say, Honey you remember this book we read several years ago. You need to call him and talk to him.'

I don't know how to make myself say that.

You are making it sound like he doesn't love me. He is such a sweet, considerate man. He is trying the best he can. It isn't his fault that I live inside my head..

Exactly! Radical honesty is the first step. You can't fix a problem unless you are honest about it. This is why I suggested sending him a letter.


It is his fault that he is not meeting your needs and puts his marriage LAST on his list of priorities. That is why people get married. People don't get married to be roommates, TW.

And it is also your fault because you are not practicing radical honesty by telling him this.

I am sure he does have caring love for you, but that is not enough to sustain a marriage. The kind of love we are discussing here is romantic love. That is what constitutes happy, fulfilling marriages.

Yes, when I read that book and got to radical honesty. I cringed. I guess I should just quit because I have never, ever been honest with anyone in my whole entire life. , I'm not even sure what i think or feel about some things... Sorry I wasted your time... I'm going back to my hole now. Never mind...

Radical honesty is much like getting overdraft notices from the bank. It might be unpleasant to get the notices, but the alternative is worse. A complaint in marriage is an opportunity to make improvements. In a bad marriage it is an irritant and something to be avoided.

Just think it over, TW. I realize you aren't used to these ideas and probably need some time to let it sink in. We will be here to help when you are ready.

You want him to 'go get help'...where?? His help lies with YOU and HIM.

YES! You're getting it! He's unhappy. And YOU'RE unhappy. The two of you can change that! But SOMEONE is going to have to fire the first shot to do this. He doesn't know what to do. We're telling you what to do. You now have the knowledge, TW. That means YOU are going to have to step up to the plate. Will you do this?

Yes. This is exactly what you should do. As a matter of fact, you should do this instead of writing him a long, well-thought-out letter. Just put it on the table, TW. MAKE YOURSELF SAY IT.

I am one thousand percent sure he loves you. I am also one thousand percent sure that the two of you have lost yourselves in the business of Life. The two of you have lost your way. You can get that back!

Do you know how refreshing it is to say what you're thinking? Try it. It is so freeing!

No one will die from hearing your honesty.

And TW? Please stop posting and then deleting your posts. Commit, woman! Put your words out there if you mean them! Do you know how many posters are standing by, ready to help you? I've had to fill in some blanks, and I'm okay doing that, but you don't know how many posters may be in your exact spot - if you delete everything, you lose help.

But do I even have a right to want those things?*****edit**** And I have the gall to complain that my husband and I don't have fun.... That is just so wrong.....

I will pray about what all of you have said. I don't know that I can do it, but I will pray. I am fasting today for my meeting this evening..a meeting I do not want to go to. I hate conflict of any kind, especially in the church. It will not be fun. I need to be able to speak truth tonight and don't know that I can.. I am the chairman but fear I will spend tonight in tears unable to speak...

What you are trying to do is endure a bad sitution by comparing yourself to the lowest common demoninator you can find. You should know something is wrong when you have to do that. But you don't have to live like that. It doesn't benefit your husband, yourself or GOD to have a bad marriage, my dear friend. You can greatly improve the quality of your lives with a little work.

People don't get married to have an empty, bad marriage. They get married with the expectation that their needs will be met so that together they present a complete unit that is better equipped to serve God.

TW,

You are hurting, and it appears that your husband is hurting.

Ever stop to think why he makes time to call you 10 times a day?

Don't you think he would rather be with you, than calling you?

The entire source of both of your issues at this time is a lifestyle that is completely incompatible with marriage at all, let alone a fulfilling marriage.


Early on, it was suggested that maybe he should find a different job.


Your response?


"What else does a surgeon do?"


Here's an answer;


Whatever the hell he wants.


He should have a solid trifecta - licensing, experience, competence.


He doesn't HAVE to work in the fashion he does - he may be compelled to do so, but there is still a choice involved.


Obviously, the lifestyle he chose at this point is not fulfilling to him - not to mention the woman he vowed to spend his life with.

TW, what you have described above is unconditional love, which is very destructive to marriage. AND unBiblical too! Dr Harley is a Christian and he has written 2 very good articles on this subject. PLEASE take the time to read them:

What�s Wrong with Unconditional Love
by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

What�s Wrong with Unconditional Love (Part 2)
by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

Not YOU NEED as that's a DJ. Say I think it would help US if you called him.

Or better yet, YOU call the man who wrote the book! I'm not sure you need to wait for your husband to call. Dr H may know from first hand experience what your next step should be.

Neither we, nor Dr H can make your husband want to do anything. But you can be coached in the ways of MB so you can entice your husband on-board.

So rather than delivering the message to your husband that you think he's broken and he needs to call Dr H, why not take the approach that you are going to engage Dr H to see what you need to do to get your husband on-board?

Hi, TiredWife. In response to your "do I have a right to want these things?" I have a question for you. As you state that your husband loves you, don't you think he WANTS to make you happy too? That his happiness also depends on your happiness? How is he going to know what makes you happy if you don't tell him? How will he know how to avoid lovebusters to your love bank if he doesn't know what they are because you are too afraid to tell him?

How would you feel if something about your cooking is bothering your husband but he doesn't say a word about it for years? As an example, let's say you always add too much salt to the food to his taste. Would you want him to tell you? Or should he just endure his taste buds being assaulted daily because he has "no right" to want food with less salt? There are many people starving across the world after all, who would give their left kidney just to have the crumbs of what he is eating. Besides, you made the food with so much love and went through so much effort... as long as you are happy with how you made the food, he will just force it down and keep quiet. Would you want him to keep quiet or would you want him to ask you to maybe use less salt on his portion of the food?