Wow! This sounds exactly like the conversation my H and I had last night. You don't even know how much our stories parallel. I have read your entire thread today and gotten so much insight and confort in it.

clearmind,

My H and I had a very honest yet heart crushing(on my end) conversation last night. I had to get on MB and talk about it because I did not know where else to turn and knew that I would get the best advice on this site.

Your H responded to my post and directed me to your thread. I feel like reading your thread is like reading my own story and it truly gives me hope that both of us can make our marriages the best using MB.

My H is a fairweather MBer. He is still not completely on board with everything. I am trying not to pressure him but at the same time know our marriage will not be complete without both of us on board.

I kindly directed him to both you and your H's post in hopes that he would and could see that there are people just like us out there that are trying to rebuild their love. I can't force him to read and I know that he will probably never post but I did suggest it.

I just wanted to thank both of you for being so open and honest. I wish you both the best and keep up with MB no matter what.

15years,
sorry i haven't responded to your post yet. i was wanting to read your thread first and i am still going through it.

Clearmind,

I have two threads on Surviving and Affair and one in Recovery. Oh the Irony is my second thread but should give you the just of what has been going the past few months.

Happy New-versary.

Have fun during the big weekend. Good job on the card!

recovery is very much a rollercoaster ride, but not a fun one. you will have peaks and valleys. this weekend we had both. it started on friday afternoon. an incident happened that brought back all the memories of dday to my husband. the feelings continued for 24 hours. we had made plans for our "new"versary for saturday night to stay at a nice hotel, nice dinner, and comedy club. saturday morning my husband wanted to cancel the reservations. i tried but it was too late and we would of had to pay anyways. later in the day my husband said since we have to pay anyways we may as well go as planned. we ended up having a wonderful time and got some great ua. sunday was a good feeling day also. today is a different story. he seems withdrawn and went home early from work to get some alone time. we are back in the valley again. i cannot give up fighting for my marriage. i know we can have a wonderful future together. i will continue fighting for us and i plan to show him that i will not give up.

help!
my husband is dealing with anger and resentment. 20year told me that he hates me and cant stand looking at me. then he corrected hisself and said that he hated what i did. he told me that he didnt love me. i dont know what to do. i know it is not anything that has happened in the present. he is bringing up the past and cant get the images and emails out of his head. he does not understand how i could of done what i did. he said that his back is hurting from all the knives. i dont know what to do!! it seems that we are on the right road to recovery but then all of a sudden, it seems like we haven't gotten anywhere.

if my earlier posts paint 20year in a bad light, it was not intended as that. i need help in trying to help him through this time. help him through this hell that i have put him through. he is doing his best through this time. the incident i refered to in an earlier post was regarding my boundaries. someone i quasi work with sent me a email with info about a band. i was talking with a co-worker about music and he chimed in the conversation. he sent that email later. i immediately told my husband about it. in hindsight, i should of immediately emailed the guy back about that it was inappropriate to send me that and that i was married and not to send me anything personal again. i learned a valuable lesson. my husband and i discussed it and how i should handle if anything like that happens in the future. i realize my terrible mistake. that mistake was what brought all the past memories into the present. he is worried about my boundaries.

cm, this is kind of outside my comfort zone, but I have noticed something recently. You guys were making some pretty good progress, and during that time we didn't hear from 20y for a while, except on his thread, and kind of sporadic at that.

Lately though, he's been posting to others to help them with what they are having to deal with and go through. I find it quite admirable that he is willing to do this, but is it possible that this may be the catalyst for the excessive triggers he's now's experiencing?

I recall when I first found this place, I was triggered left and right by most of what I read, and MY last sitch occurred almost 9 years ago! His pain is still new and raw to the bone. If reading some of these stories can trigger ME so long after the fact, I have to wonder if it's possible that this may be the cause of the increased triggers.

Just a thought.

He needs you to protect your love bank from anyone else making deposits but him.

So did you send the email?

that does make sense. i can understand how that can be a trigger. 20year has read this and i am sure he will be giving it some serious thought.

i did send the email.

My H and I are both reading your and 20 years threads. I feel your pain and I am sure my H feels exactly what 20 is feeling. In fact we both agree that there a number of similarities in our stories.

The high school that I teach at is a major trigger for my H. The bad news is that my son goes here as well and plays a number of sports. My H wants to support him but last night was a very painful example of how hard it is for him to come to the school.

I have offered to switch jobs, districts, schools, occupations and my H keeps telling me no but I last night I could tell that he was disturbed just being at the school.


I feel the very same way you do, that everytime we reach a peak, something happends to drive us back down in the valley. I like you are willing to do anything to show my H that he is the only one for me forever. I just keept telling myself that it is going to take time and effort on my part...not just in the short run but in the long run.

My goal is to improve both of us and our marriage but like everyone on here says...it starts with your side of the fence.

I wish you the best and 20 years gave me some wonderful advice to relay to my H on my thread. I know that he is trying very hard as well as my H.

I wish you the best!!!

XVY

Time for Radical Honesty;

"Dear, I can't help but to notice the pain in your face related to my work location. Because I love you, and put you before anything else, I am going to get out of there. Whatever small gains we make are not worth the pain and loss I can see on your face every time you get near there."

Clearmind,

How's it going?

How's your UA time?

it acutually has been going pretty well. these last couple days have been good days. it seems when the bad moments happen, they don't last as long and not nearly as bad. i feel that shows that 20year is healing. he has said that he is starting to feel safer and his gaurd is starting to come down. he is starting to fall back in love with me! UA time is making all the difference. i know we still aren't getting the necessary 20 hours in but we have upped it from before. we are having date time every weekend, which it only used to be every other week. that time for us to be together is the key to our recovery. i am still hoping to plan a weekend getaway for us in the near future.

Clearmind,

I am thinking about you and 20 always! UA time is definitely something that Mr. XVY and I need. I printed up the worksheet that ML sent me and am going to purchase the notebook this week.

I wish you the best and both you and 20 have helped both the Mr. and I see that we are not alone in the ugly world of A's!!!

thanks 15years! i am wishing the best for you and your husband, too. recovery is very hard. the hardest thing i ever had to do. i know it will be worth it in the end. that is what i have to focus on during the bad times, which i know there will be more to come. thinking about the future and how great it has the ability to be helps me get through those times. also having the support from this forum helps. a lot. if both sides do their part, i only see success. as former waywards, we cannot change the past but we definately have some control over our futures.

update:

numb. in withdrawal. those are the words that my husband has said how he feels. one day he is optimistic about our future and the next day he says he is not in love with me. sometimes even on the same day. we are on a roller coaster of emotions.

we are 1 year into our recovery using the mb program. in early january, my husband gave me an ultimatum. if he didnt feel like i was giving him my best effort of driving our recovery, he was going to ask me to move out. that deadline has recently passed and i am still in the house. for now. he felt i was not driving our recovery. during that time, i thought i was using the program. in hindsight, i realize that i wasn't doing enough. i was slacking. he wanted me to do research on how to better our marriage, become an expert at meeting his needs, monitor how i was doing on meeting his needs, and put out my best effort. he has noticed i am doing that now but the resentment is still there.

last week we updated our emotional needs questionnaires. i have high marks in 8 out of the 10. the 2 that i dont is openness/honesty and intimate conversation. it is something that i am working on and doesn't come easy to me (the openness and conversation). my husband feels that i need to meet all 10 needs for him to be satisfied.

my husband has been having a hard time managing his memories. he knows that he needs to redirect his thoughts but that is easier said than done. it is hard for him to look at me and not think about what i did to him. he has his guard up and still very hurt by my dispicable actions of the A. he is afraid to feel vulnerable and has a wall up. i can't blame him. i would feel the same way if someone brought that tragedy to my life.

even though we are on the roller coaster of recovery, i am thankful everyday that my husband is giving me another chance and grateful that i am still in the house with my family. i have hope that we will be a success story. we are definatley having bumps in the road but we are learning how to deal with them as they come. it is not all bad, we do have good days and those are the days we see glimpses of how wonderful our life together can be.


i would appreciate any advice/suggestions from the vets.



also, should this thread be moved to the recovery forum?

Clearmind,

I've been wondering how you and 20 were doing. I know he has left the boards and said he wasn't going to post anymore, but I wish he would change his mind.

I have to ask. How much UA time are you getting? What are you doing during that time?

What are you doing to meet his top EN?

What are your top EN?