Brilliant tip!

Yeah if you could use this it probably would help, but what about the unverified tips a reporter receives from anonymous sources?
You know like deep throat in All the Presidents Men?
It will work great for known addys though

Oh it will be very useful for a number of blocked email addresses I have.

As for any unknown email addresses from Softlad, I think I have toughened up my defences there enough to be able to delete unread.

Having later on seen his tactic in attacking me on a special day, I am forewarned on that score (It's his birthday next week) and really annoyed I fell for it.

I have been WELL punished in reading that email with a sleepless night last night. I am NO good without my sleep.

If I had deleted it, I would have just assumed it was a financial thing he was too stubborn to use the IM for.

But having read the cake eating attempt, I now know full well he's having a hard time because of the time of year, and the lack of the type of cake I provide best.

OW (if still around) is not affectionate, she's fun on one level, but very hard edged. WHs family (though I like many of them) are not either. At this time of year, our anniversary and his birthday, nobody makes a fuss of him like I do.

It's made me realise how much he may be straining at the bit and my mind ran away with me last night. I kept thinking how I would respond to a reconcilliation offer from him.

I dont know what he would be good for, so I prob wouldnt take him back no matter what.

Of course, I know he isnt in a genuine repentant place, because he went around the IM, and my primary response is anger at being taken for a fool.

But just delete unread! Even on a weak day. Plan Bers PLEASE - your curiosity is ALWAYS dangerous.

A wayward who cant get past the IM is saying nothing more than'Hi fog, fog fog, bye babble'

It's just not worth the loss of sleep.

Amen to that Indie

And to the lurkers reading this, who are suffering because they feel they have to with an adulterous mate, stop fooling yourself

Your not that tough either, believe me I am pretty tough physically, but my heart? My spouse? My other half? There I am a marshmallow

Wouldn't have it any other way

So, an update

Last night I went hillwalking after work. It was a short but steep walk and it slayed me. I am afraid I am going to embarrass myself on Ben Nevis! (And it's the weekend after next, yikes, I really must get fitter). But I think I have neglected exercise in Plan B and really underestimated its importance. It keeps your body and mind strong and fuels you for all the life changing things you have to do. Tonight I do yogalates.

So I made good time uphill anyway. Even if I was gasping for breath. A horse rider came by and the horse was struggling, which made me feel better. When I mentioned this to the rider she said: "She's a bit unfit". Cheers, love. The views were stunning all the way along. When I got to the top, there was tower that is an old weather station, so I took the stairs up to the roof. And collapsed.

The moors and hills are part of my news patch and I haven�t really explored them. There was a stream running right the way through that turns into a steep waterfall in places. I MUST get out more. It was a glorious evening (for a change) too. If the weather keeps up, I might go foraging at the weekend for some free berries. The garden is full of raspberries, so the woods must be too.

The divorce could be final in as little six weeks. That's IF Softlad behaves, and let's face it that is quite a big if. My solicitor emailed me saying that we need to divide assets in those six weeks and mediation would save me a lot of money. Approaches to do mediation fell flat as Softlad did not respond. But proof that we approached him and he refused will help us in court. I SUPPOSE he could do the right thing and agree to split things fairly anyway.. but I don't believe in fairy tales. I just want this done, now.

Oh and the job I went for turned me down without selecting me for interview!! I know there're a lot of people going for the same jobs these days, but I am well qualified for it and more than experienced enough. I am going to ask them what's going on, because if an application I took weeks to fill out and proof read four times isn't up to standard, I need to know what is.

Well I went up Ben Nevis today. My first ever serious hillwalk is the largest mountain in the UK!

Its bloody high. And its also quite windy and rainy in Scotland.

I may never have the full use of my ankles or my right hip ever again. They are very annoyed with me. But it was totally worth it!

The past year has been like charging up a mountain. I thought today would be a metaphor for my Plan B, and it has been! When I was really struggling in steep, rocky places, I would just think 'Have I endured worse pain?' And since I had, I knew I could do it.

Plan Bers can do anything. I know its not the largest peak in the world, but it was a big step for me and it was done (collectively) 15 mins under the seven hour average. I was even at the front of the gang for a bit.

Like the princess of swords, charging aloft the mountain path with weapon held high. If the Princess of Swords had a dodgy hip and a backpack.

If I hadn't been betrayed, or rather if the vets hadn't clued me in to it, there would be so many experiences I would never have had.

Thank you lovelies! Thank you Marriagebuilders!

wow, indie, that's fantastic! well done. and you've turned a metaphor into a literal transformation. take note, those of you who are waffling over plan b.


when i gallop my horse uphill, in my mind i can hear her saying (gasping?) "you're too heavy, you're too heavy, you're too heavy." perhaps that lady's horse was thinking the same thing!

Triumphant indie. Grats

Good for you, Indie!

You continue to be a source of strength around here that many people need, even in your struggles. When I think of how great you've done in Plan B, I can only imagine what shell of a person you would be if you hadn't been so strong for so long. We all make mistakes in recovery - whether personal or recovery - but you manage to get right back on the horse. Well, except in your case - it's getting off the horse - and walking! LOL

Oh yeah, Indie understood her Husband behavior rather quickly. The likeness of being drugged and being carried away by aliens, even the relation to addiction and those behaviors as like those of an addict.

That's why Plan B works so good, it brings things back to reality.

We might not like it but we are alone in life even when we are with someone else
Being married is supposed to add to us, not take away, so many get mixed up in the changes we make for a healthy marriage relationship by looking at them as sacrifices, when they were made to add to our lives.

Marriage is definatly a challenge Indie was acting as a star, and continues to do so

Thanks everyone! Words of encouragement are very nice when your legs ache so you can't walk upstairs right, lol!

So my solicitor is wanting to press on with D paperwork as it could be finalised in weeks if SL just gives us financial docs.

He was asked 2 weeks ago. No response.

She wants me to decide if I should give him more time or take him to court. That could cost five thousand pound. The divorce has already cost me two thousand I didn't have.

I'm toying with the idea of either an IM message or breaking my Plan B for a meeting. I'm not trying to save my M any more and I'm willing to endure the pain of a meeting to play my hand.

I realise he is prob trying to break my Plan B and I would be giving in.

But I think I can shame him into doing the necessary. He ran away in shame and wouldn't like everyone to hear about his financial secrecy causing me hardship. I have the support of many of his family members.

Thoughts?

I honestly can't say what you should do. I am thinking probably do an IM message but I just am not sure.

You are in a quandry for sure.

This is my Art of War plan, so far.

I will have my IM send him a message stipulating that I am willing to take him to court to get a speedy divorce in spite of how costly this avenue will be for us both. I will say I have the financial backing of my parents and will do whatever it takes to get a speedy divorce. (This is not really true, but appear strong when weak and all that) If he wishes to avoid paying court costs which could run as high as �5000, he will need to let the lawyers have all financial documentation very soon.

If he tells the IM he needs to speak with me, (I'm sure this is his gameplan) she will say I dont need to speak with him, the options are either he gives up the documents or faces a costly battle in court. However I may be willing to speak with him after the documents are provided in order to come to an amicable agreement. (Note the word 'may').

I dunno.

Tryng to call my solictor for in-person advice as she goes away for a week today.

So I managed to speak to her. She said it's possible it's just down to delays in his solicitor's office due to the school holidays and people being off work.

However after two weeks she would have expected at least a response from them saying they are working on it or something and she can't get anything from them. This usually suggests the other spouse is being uncooperative.

She said that as I know him best I may have some firm ideas as to what was going on or an inclination to either proceed or wait, based on what I know of him. I have no idea what he is thinking these days though.

she said we could give them another 14 days, in which time she would send out a reminder letter stressing the urgency of the situation. She said she is very conscious that time is money and she doesnt want this dragging out.

I mentioned that I may get in touch with him myself and she said that may be a good idea. If I was to stress that it is cheaper for him if he gets on board, she says she has seen that work.

Kinda would like the leagal beagles on this site to advise, but I stand firm in my conviction that you should not ever have to talk to him in person to get this straigened out legally.
He has his emotional support Via his AP, and all of the cronies that help him justify it
The poor Softlad, boohoo
Yeah if he wants mercy, he should find it somewhere else

Of course I advise not to contact him directly, at least when he is still involved romantically with his AP
He holds all of the emotional trump cards and he has boughten into the new world he has created.
Yup he is a softlad lead by his ego

It's up to you but don't be surprised that it might set you back in recovery, and really make you upset even if you deal with him as an adult.

Still waiting for the vets to respond

Take good care of yourself Indie

Hi Indiegirl, I just got caught up on your thread. I didn't read every word, but enough to say, wow, what a tumultuous year you've had! I have a question about one of your posts, but don't want to sidetrack your thread, so I'll post it on the thread of mine you've been so gracious to respond to.

Just to confirm what ConstantProcess wrote, I too agree that you shouldn't contact your ex, for exactly the reason he wrote, it would probably set your recovery back. Yes it may be cheaper, but from experience with my own divorce, the price of emotional sanity is, well, priceless!

I also agree with your solicitor's assessment that a non-response after 2 weeks indicates your ex is being uncooperative. I'd let her handle the situation and stay out of it as much as I could. (Reading this part of your story brings back unpleasant memories of my own divorce proceedings... easily the worst thing that has ever happened to me.)

I'm now up-to-date and will try to follow along. Good luck to you!

Thanks KL. I'm feeling a little bit calmer and more willing to keep out of it this evening. Waywards. Its what you should expect, really.

indie, I'm going to weigh in to tell you to NOT break Plan B. As long as you have another way to get your point to WH, take the other way.