I'm sure the answers to alot of my questions are answered tenfold in the thousands of pages here, and I intend to spend much time reading through posts here, but in an effort to get some immediate input specific to my situation, I've decided to write this post.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for 4 - our anniversary was just a few weeks ago actually; We got together when she was 18 (a few months from 19) and I 28. We have one child, she is nearly 4yo. I'm 40 and stay at home raising our daughter, I shut down my business when our daughter was born to stay home and raise her instead of strangers doing it. This was a mutual agreement between my wife and I and there's no issue with it whatsover. She's 31, works in accounting FT, makes good money and insurance. We get by financially, barely. Finances does certainly cause stress in the relationship. Her first marriage, We got together when she was 18 and I 28Let me just stop right here and say, that I've known this person for 12 years and know what type of person she is and that I've never had any reason to not trust her. There's never been any reason not to, up until about a month ago.

My wife has had depression which started sometime during pregnancy, and continues today. She generally tries to hide it and does a good job of it too. She'll hide that she's crying or that shes cut herself, saying it happened some other way when I ask about a cut. She likes to garden, so often she just says a thorn got her. Expecting that's the truth, I move on. And now she holds is against me that I never noticed the crying or realized she was lying about how she got the cuts, I should've known she says. She's said that she's depressed, but me not having the illness, never was able to grasp just what it was doing to her and was likely one of the causes of her moodiness (ie bitchiness). She tried a few different medications and there seemed to be some improvement, but I guess was not as good as she hoped, citing it didn't really work anyway, and with the new insurance, was going to be too expensive, she tried a few natural remedies for a while, before returning to no treatment at all. She has never sought professional counseling for help with the depression.

So, every 6-9m since the baby was born, we'd get into this, you need to show me you love me more (her), and me saying it's hard to do when everything from your mouth is aggressive and bitchy. I told her you are just pushing me away and she would always reply with just give me a hug when I'm being bitchy. I told her the last thing I wanted to do was hug her when she was being bitchy. So around and around the argument went, blameshifting. Then there also usually thrown in the mix the you need to do more around the house, the clutter doesn't help my depression, she wanted me to go to bed with her when she did (reason I didn't usually was that I used the night time when wife and daughter were sleeping to have some me time, since I spend all day taking care of our daughter from wake to sleep and for years even through the middle of the night. Sleep issues with our daughter were severe for probably about 3 years) and other things she was unhappy with that slip my mind in this state.

We'd agree that we should seek counseling, and it was my test to pass to get it, but when the next several days went well and we were getting along, I felt we didn't need to seek help, we'd be fine on our own. My biggest regret! Only now, when faced with losing what is by far the most important things to me, did I look into things. Things like how to help people with depression. Seeking counseling. Figuring out the problems we were having were not unique. Realizing that depression has affected her much more than I realized, causing her moodiness, not just her being a [censored] as I assumed was the case.

So, a few months back she starts a friendship with someone from work who starts giving her compliments, talking to her, and so on. This turned into a texting relationship that really got out of hand. She claims it's just friends nothing more, just innocent flirting because she was getting her needs met that I was failing to give. And I believe her, because the next part of this story will tell you she tells the truth. Around the same time, she started going to some after work Happy Hours that I guess are frequent with the company she works for. Feeling that she needs time to socialize and hang out with friends, I was reluctant (due the drinking environment), but happy she was doing something with friends. The both of us really don't have friends that we do anything with, it's always been her and I and in the last four years our daughter of course. So I figured giving her time to do stuff with friends could help her. Unfortunately, it did. About 3 weeks ago, she met someone who works on a different floor than her who was also at one of these get-togethers. They began a severe texting relationship, that turned into an Emotional Affair. She was texting him non-stop, all day every day, in front of me, or not, though usually trying to not make it obvious. Typical stuff (from what I've read), she told him how she was unhappy at home and of course he was there to listen and compliment.

Backing up a bit, when I first realized there was way too much texting going on (and she saw my curiosity this one night), one night I went to her phone to see what's been going on, and conveniently all here texts had been deleted except a few from this guy that came in after she deleted the prev. ones. Confronting her with it the next day she said she knew I was going to look, and didn't want me to infer anything from them that wasn't there and that I shouldn't be snooping. My response was there shouldn't be anything to hide or a reason to snoop anyway. The next day, I got to her phone right after work and discovered the texting was going on all day long. So this was the first guy, who was nothing more than a source of attention, and before I knew how bad things really were getting in our relationship. I told her, stop texting him like that or it's not going to work between us. And I thought it had. Well technically, it did, but that's because the next guy was in the picture now.

So before I know about the EA, she sits me down and gives me the "it's not working" speech, only this time it was serious. In anger and tired of hearing the same thing over and over I obviously got angry, especially since I had been consciencely (sp?) doing things to make her feel more loved. More pda's, paying more attention to her, just being more intimate. She said she could tell, but it just felt empty. Like it was too little too late. Two days later, we have a non-hostile talk and agree that this time we are actually going to get counseling, and work to save our marriage. I'm ecstatic. This was mid afternoon. As we start getting our daughter ready for bed, she told me she was going to call her Dad real quick downstairs. So down she went, meanwhile, my daughter wanted to wear something that was downstairs in Laundry room. When we get down there, my wife seems a bit odd, and claims she's talking to her Dad. Ok, so we go upstairs, put our girl to bed, and she says she has to go make a call.

So anyway, she goes makes the call and comes back upstairs we go on about our night, everything is fine. Later that night, after she'd gone to bed, I went looking for her phone. The day before she had hidden it and I never found it. So the next day, I spotted the phone hidden in the bathroom drawer, and she knew I saw it, so once she went to bed, I was curious if she had left the phone there or hid it. Well, it wasn't where it was earlier, and wasn't anywhere in sight, so yeah, she was hiding it. Why? Shouldn't be anything to hide. So furious that she's still hiding something, I got to thinking, I wonder if it was really her Dad that she called. So I checked our phone providers website, which will list every incoming and outgoing text time and date and of course phone calls, and find out that she had lied to me and in fact did not call her Dad, but some mystery number. So I check the text message page and find that she'd had over 900 ingoing and outgoing messages with just this person in what I later realized was a hair over two weeks! So I started checking the other number (the first guy) and find that there's been a couple thousand texts to him over the last 2 or 3 months as well!

So upstairs I went, woke her [censored] up, and she told me she wanted to talk to him, he's giving her help regarding our marriage, making her feel better. Really? someone you've known for 3 months (was how long I was told and/or thought they had known each other at this point, later realizing it was really 2 weeks) So, again, even more furious, I left the house, in total shock, severe pain, and just f'n lost! I wanted to never come home again. I just walked a couple miles in the middle of the night before deciding to return home.

As soon as I opened the door downstairs (so she wouldn't know I was home), I checked on the computer again to see if she'd been texting him, and sure enough, basically the whole time I was gone, she was. Big fight, bad things, harsh feelings, the works all happened. Said she was confused, didn't know who she was, or what she wanted, wasn't good to anybody and didn't want to be in any relationship. Got an hour of sleep or so, and a bit after waking up, I told her if she has any hope for us, she has to stop all contact with him or we won't survive. She fought me on this, got terribly upset and mad that I was making her make a choice. I didn't care, I knew if we were going to fix us, she couldn't still have this guy pouring it on, telling her everything she needs to hear. Well, she reluctantly agrees to stop any communication with him. And from seeing phone records, she did.

So the next two days were great, in the face of losing my love, and realizing what I've been ignoring all these years, I was severely hyperbonding. And she actually like it. In fact I saw her smile, a smile I had not seen her do in YEARS. That felt good. But the next day (last Monday), she woke up and seemed rather short, probably resentful. She had made it very clear earlier that she didn't want to stop talking to this guy, but did. I found that a good sign. I schedule us for counseling, which was set for Wednesday. Monday evening, things between us were great, very close, not forced but genuine (at least on my side). Again, the next morning when I woke up, she was acting pissed about stuff, we had some relationship conversation via text, but was the kind of stuff that was best to not discuss until we got the counselor. She just seemed to be slipping away, I told her let's just stop trying to figure things out and get in front of the counselor.

So, our first session was yesterday. We spent a good portion of the time going over typical basic knowledge stuff about our family and childhood life. The kind of stuff you expect, but with only one hour to try to work things out I just wanted to talk about our marriage and her depression. In the end I didn't really find anything from the session helpful. Really, the only thing I took away from it was that my wife has to make a decision between our marriage or this other guy. Asked how much I wanted our marriage to work I answered 10 out of 10. My wife's answer was, if she answers with her brain, and 8 to 10, with her heart, she'd say a 2. She's already told me that too before, so it was no shock, but certainly hard to hear. She's said she knows what she was doing is not right and if she used logic (her brain) she would of course choose her husband, but her heart tells her, the other guy. Which blows my mind since it's a 2-3 week relationship. After counseling, my wife says, if she's going to be forced to make a choice, she chooses nobody. She confirms she's had no contact with the OM, but he has attempted contacting her which she just ignores.

Phwew, that's long, and probably not even 25% of it. but I'll stop this post here and in the next reply write out the latest feelings, questions, and seek advice from those of you who have been through it on what I can do, what I should/shouldn't do and how to cope with this most horrible feeling. I went through this type of stuff in my first marriage, as I was cheated on multiple times, always going back to "work it out", only in the end to find out she wanted a divorce, she'd found someone new, who afaik, didn't last very long. But this time it hurts so much more, as we've had a very long, trusting relationship, and now a child involved. Even though the physical affairs are absent this time, I think it hurts more because I wasn't already "used to" being cheated on as in my first marriage.

Welcome to MB.

Have you read this?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

I know you felt the need to get that all out but it's way too long to 'read and digest. It's like a wall of text. We need the cliff notes version.

She needs medication for her depression. My wife does well with welbutrin.

She is having an affair. Skip the counseling and spend the money on marriage builders.

I've started. and fully intend to read it all. Just having a hard time right now and wanted to talk to someone. I have a support group of one, and he's little help as his similar situation went on for 5 years before he couldn't take it anymore and pulled the plug, only to find out she was cheating on him all the time.

I've got more to talk about, but have to leave for a while now. I'll finish posting later tonight though.

Thanks

I'll see if I can narrow it down some. Sorry

She has to want it to work, and right now she doesn't.

What snooping techniques do you have in place?

just checking phone website, but now she's changed that password. My snooping driving her crazy and "doesn't need me or any man" any more. Just gettin' evil today.

That's a typical wayward.

Read this. Carrot and Stick of Plan A

When you get your Intel come here and tell the board.

More reading.
What are Plan A and Plan B?
Exposure 101
Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Spouses

This was as far as I needed to read.

2l, this is your problem. Your wife is having an affair with a co-worker, which is the oldest story in the book.

You need to find out who this pig is. Also, understand that your wife will need to leave that job.

Don't let her know about any snooping that you're doing. I know you may see things like texts that will infuriate you. Come here with those things. You need to find out who this jerk is so you can blow this affair out of the water.

She asks you to hold her when she's upset and you say you don't want to hold her when she's bitchy.

When you have a baby, and the diaper stinks, you don't want to change it but you do it anyway because it needs done. So even if your wife sounds stinky, hold her anyway. Understand?

You have a lot of work to do. It will seem overwhelming at first, but hang in there and do it anyway. There is a lot of reading. You will be told to install spyware, keyloggers, etc. Do it. Don't let her know your source, don't tell her about this site yet. Listen to the vets as they walk you through trying to salvage your M. MBs has a plan and it works, you just need to trust it and carry it out.

I know this hurts, it's hard, we've all been there, hang in there.

Step up your snooping and find out who this guy is and come back. If you can, get spyware on her phone. A good spyware program is eblaster at spectorsoft.com

Oh, I know who he is, name, phone and address. No other WS.

Since d-day, I told her we can't fix us if there's still an EA going on, and I told her to pick one. She told me she wouldn't contact him anymore and he'd figure it out. At the time I still had access to the phone records, and I saw that he would text, but she wouldn't reply. Was angry about not getting to talk to him, sit-norm I see, but had not contacted him, but he was still trying to talk to her, she ignored (supposedly).

So Thurs, she changed the password to the phone account, When I asked her why she would do this, she replied:


And.

So tonight, she was supposed to be going out with a friend. This is the very long time friend she knows and has never been or will be that type of issue. I know she'd been talking to him about all this stuff, and he even knows that about the OM. I think his stance on all this is basically "well, you sound like you've made up your mind" or something to that extent. (so much for exposure help from him?).

As much as I wanted to believe her, and can't stop feeling like I know she was really out with the OM. When she came home tonight after going out for drinks with her friend or OM I went up to investigate her purse. This is when I found out she now has her phone on password protect, so I can't check for text there and she shut down my phone account access. And I found a receipt for her drinks tonight, and just so happens she was at the same bar that her co-workers go to all the time. Would be odd for her to go with her friend there I think, or uncertainty is just getting the best of me.

Our circle of friends and family is really very small. Each of us only has like one friend the we really ever talk to, and both them already know about the EA, I think her sister already knows, and her Dad knows as of today, so really all that's left for exposure would be her Mom and work. So is exposure really still needed if most of our circle already knows? If I do exposure at her work place, I don't want any fallout to her job. She's got into a good company good pay and benefits, that is close to home and at a time when jobs are hard to come by. I'm sure they wouldn't fire her for this, but I don't know if she would want to continue to work there. We are a one income family (I'm SAHD), so if something happens with her work we'd be in big trouble, regardless of relationship status.

I've been reading, here on MB. It's all I've been doing when I get the chance. But I'm really struggling with her hiding stuff now. I know it's normal for WS to do this, but that sure doesn't make it any easier. Am I supposed to gain intel, keep cool about it, and do what with the anger? How is it possible. Do I confront her about last night, since I have no hard evidence? I can't believe anything she tells me at this point, unless I have proof.

We're still at a EA stage as opposed to a PA, I just don't think I can R if she takes it physical. GRRR this sucks...

VERY good point, and I sure wish I'd listened to that now, but at the same time, when you kick a dog every time he lay next to you, pretty soon he won't lay next to you anymore.

I found the following list of pro's and cons she had listed out. I'll write it here. Not sure when I was made, I suspect not more than a few days ago.

Pros (for divorce I'm assuming)

[list]

[*]"out of love"/ not in love with him
[*]trust not there (investigations). not even sure there at all in trust respect
[*]guilty/ guilt trips
[*]feel bad overall for so long
[*]baggage/history- Things I feel I can't shake off: Took too long, hospital, weight issue, nada when needed most
[*]Feelings for someone else (I believe this is in the context of it must mean something that she was able to have feelings for someone else, as this has been said by her.)
[*]Role modeling what exactly for him? Persistence + Committment versus following the heart? "out of love"/ not in love with him

CONS

[list]
[*]Our daughter
[*]established life style and integrated everthing
[*]comfortable, secure companionship
[*]Don't want to hurt him (me)
[*]Harder on own
[*]awkward coparenting life
[*]financial

How do I react when I'm so hopeful to pull her out of the fog, when she says stuff like there's no hope for us. I don't know if I can ever love you that way...bcuz everytime I hear it, it is the worst feeling in the world, physically and emotionally

Whom have you exposed to on OM's side?

If they still work together it's like the affair is still active. She needs NC for life.

Read this. Read my lips. NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT

Ignore this, 2L. This is pure fog-think. Concentrate on ruining her high. You have a daughter? Does your WW know that she will not be getting custody of your daughter in the event of a divorce? Does she know that you will not "be friends" after a divorce?

Its only needed if you are interested in saving your marriage. If not, then skip this step. Most of us that have saved our marriages exposed the affair. You should expose the affair to her sister, mom, workplace, the OM's parents and family members.

Does the OM have a facebook page?

As far as her job, she will have to find another job if you want to save the marriage. I would expose the affair wide and far and then demand that she end contact with the OM by leaving her job.

I have zero info on this guy other than where he works, name, phone number and address. How do I go about finding out more intel?

You realize this was not a list given to me, but one she wrote to herself. I guess it could still be fogbabble, just to herself?

I don't anything about what will happen custody wise. That's further down the road than I want to think about right this second. Since we do have a child involved, it will be hard to do for me, but the intention is to remain "friends" for our daughters sake.