This no different then if the OM and her worked for a large corporation with many locations.

There is still the opportunity to break NC using work emails, work land lines.

Every school year starts out with 1 to 3 days of all the teachers in a district getting together for moral boosting, workshop, lunches, superintendent meeting, etc, at the highschool for it's the largest build.

Then there are conference days about twice a year with more work shops, organized lunches, and some teachers may have to go to meetings at other school buildings within the district.

This WW fails to admit that she can see OM car, OM in the hall, OM at a lunch, OM in the auditorium at Supt's meeting, any where, any time.

This WW can pull the eyes over on those that have not worked in a school setting.

This WW is putting her job first. This job is 1# in her life. All her BH sees is her actions are not the same as her talk.

I'll bet dollars to doughnuts start of school and those photos have her BH triggered.

You need more help then this board can give. You need to counsel with Dr Harley. Even if you have to counsel alone. Dr Harley has been know how to guide the WW to get the BH to eventually get on the phone.

Yes you told us you took the photos down.

How long were those photos on the wall before you took them down?

[/color]

He also CANNOT stop bringing up the A. He keeps going over and over in circles wanting me to give him answers that I don't have.

I cannot explain why I did it because there will never be a reason that justifies why? I am sickened by my weakness and actions. I think about it every day and it infuriates me, just as it does him. He keeps throwing Affair punches at me though and I don't know how much longer either of us can take it!

You need to move out of town if you want your marriage to survive

[quote=fifteenyearsHe also CANNOT stop bringing up the A. He keeps going over and over in circles wanting me to give him answers that I don't have.

I cannot explain why I did it because there will never be a reason that justifies why? I am sickened by my weakness and actions. I think about it every day and it infuriates me, just as it does him. He keeps throwing Affair punches at me though and I don't know how much longer either of us can take it![/quote]

Another reason to talk with Dr H. He can help you give the answers your BH needs and get BH to understand them.

Dr Harley makes in very clear that there must be PERMANENT separation between the affair partners.
He says that often you need to move out of town.
Thinks needed for her. She is placing her job above her marriage

At times he probably is avoiding you. Ask clearmind about this�it has been a recent issue. I would look at her and be reminded of the A and be in pain. I am not always enthusiastic about being with her or our UA time but I do know Feelings Follow Actions. That is my hope.

UA was BEAT into my brain by vets on this board. I finally got it about 4 weeks ago and things have gotten much better. YOU HAVE TO GET 15-20 HOURS A WEEK UA time meeting top EN�s. I realize this now and it held up our progress when we didn�t get it.
This by itself can turn the tide.

YOU HAVE TO GET 15-20hrs/wk UA time.

All the things he is telling you is most likely coming from a place that he feels extremely hurt and feels susceptible to future attacks. Can you blame him? I have said the EXACT same things. I have left, come back, left come back. I know that clearmind has lost hope many times. But guess what, I am still here.

No guarantees what your H will do. Follow SA A step by step by step. Don�t skip anything. It will give you the BEST chance at R.

Show him everyday you love him no matter what he does. All you can do is control yourself. Not him.

If my W stopped showing me how much she cared in my down moments, it would have pushed me away big time. I fought it for a while but she kept after it and it worked.

I would take a stronger stand with him though is identifying your conditions to move forward with the R as outlined in SAA.

I DO NOT NOR WILL I EVER see the OM again!! He is not allowed in or near my school. We are in a very large school district and our meetings are by building only. There will never be a chance that I see him again within the school.

In addition, our emails are monitored at school (all email addresses)and he now works in the same school and classroom with his wife.

Last night I offered to quit my job, to walk in the building and break my contract. I offered to move far away. He does not want any of that or at least that he what he is telling me.

Our conversation last night was painfully honest and my job came up. He said it does not matter what job I have or where I am at that he would not be able to trust me anywhere and it had nothing to do with where I am at.

We actually work together in the evenings at the golf course that he manages, this would probably be the only job I could have in which he would be safe. On the other hand he does not want me to quit my teaching job because our son goes to this school as well.

I would quit in a heart beat and told him this if I knew that it would make him feel safe and begin to trust me again and he knows this.

We have POJAd this a number of times and he says he does not want me to quit (he could just be saying that) but isn't that the point of POJA to discuss the matter and come to an enthusiastic agreement? Right now he does not want me to quit so I am offended that people are assuming that I am putting my job before my marriage.

In addition, the superintendent of our district has made it impossible for either of us to ever see each other again. I have requested to never work with a male teacher again and have reclused myself from a number of staff members male and female who I feel are lacking in morals. I am very happy with these changes that I have made for both myself and my spouse.

I DO NOT NOR WILL I EVER see the OM again!! He is not allowed in or near my school. We are in a very large school district and our meetings are by building only. There will never be a chance that I see him again within the school.

In addition, our emails are monitored at school (all email addresses)and he now works in the same school and classroom with his wife.

Last night I offered to quit my job, to walk in the building and break my contract. I offered to move far away. He does not want any of that or at least that he what he is telling me.

Our conversation last night was painfully honest and my job came up. He said it does not matter what job I have or where I am at that he would not be able to trust me anywhere and it had nothing to do with where I am at.

We actually work together in the evenings at the golf course that he manages, this would probably be the only job I could have in which he would be safe. On the other hand he does not want me to quit my teaching job because our son goes to this school as well.

I would quit in a heart beat and told him this if I knew that it would make him feel safe and begin to trust me again and he knows this.

We have POJAd this a number of times and he says he does not want me to quit (he could just be saying that) but isn't that the point of POJA to discuss the matter and come to an enthusiastic agreement? Right now he does not want me to quit so I am offended that people are assuming that I am putting my job before my marriage.

In addition, the superintendent of our district has made it impossible for either of us to ever see each other again. I have requested to never work with a male teacher again and have reclused myself from a number of staff members male and female who I feel are lacking in morals. I am very happy with these changes that I have made for both myself and my spouse.

Thank you so much WPG! I think of you always and look up to you as a FWW. You keep me strong in my weakest moments.

15Y,

He also CANNOT stop bringing up the A. He keeps going over and over in circles wanting me to give him answers that I don't have.

I cannot explain why I did it because there will never be a reason that justifies why? I am sickened by my weakness and actions. I think about it every day and it infuriates me, just as it does him. He keeps throwing Affair punches at me though and I don't know how much longer either of us can take it!

Is it that you cannot or do not want to go back in time and remember your reasons because you think they will hurt your BH too much if you are honest?

Some of the reasons I've gotten from my W was that, OM2 was very good looking, I was ignoring her, I had gained weight, she was physically unattracted to me, she was angry with me, she felt nothing for me, all given to me at different times through the years.

That I have remembered all those reasons gathered over a period of 20+ years of disclosure shows how important it is to give a BH the information he needs to process what happened. Long term truth is curative while doubt slowly destroys.

God Bless
Gamma

Something else that is really bothering me that I feel I must be honest about. I am sure a lot of you will really ream me for having these thoughts but this forum is about honesty so I feel like I need to get it out.

I have been feeling a lot of resentment towards my H. I know I don't have much of a right to feel this way but I can't help it. While he has changed a few things he continues to feel that it is not necessary for him to change ANYTHING! That he was perfect and I took our perfect marriage and destroyed it.

Part of this is true, we did not have a bad marriage and were truly in love. I know it is very hard to believe or understand but I NEVER stopped loving him during my A. The best way I can describe it is that I compartmentalized my feelings, literally a double life.

There were however problems, things that really hurt and have bothered me for quite some time. I know, I should have dealt with them differently but now they are surfacing again and resentment is building because he is using my A to shift blame on me for EVERYTHING! It hurts!

Again, I am in no way trying to dis my H so I feel better or trying to shift blame on him. This is just the way I feel right now and I have to get it out so I do not take it out on him because he is so hurt right now and does not deserve it.

Sorry I am writing so much, I have so much on my mind that it is driving me crazy!!!

15Y,

Well you do need to be radically honest with him and bottling it up is not healthy so you should express even your negative feelings about BH.

I don't feel that my Ws cooking is poor because of OM2 or that she is an evil person. I just dislike her dishonest and affairs.

Did your BH ever get OM to tell him the story to get a different perspective on the events of the affair?

God Bless
Gamma

You say he is not allowed at your school.
What about 5 year from now when the district faces budget cuts and the union negotiates to have him transferred to your school?

Or when he becomes a supt or whatever may happen.

What about when you see him at the store?

You need to move and start over following the MB program And using their Coaching services

Gamma, I feel that at this point you are allowing your personal needs to colour the advice that you are giving other people, and this goes against Dr Harley's advice.

Dr Harley does encourage the WS to give the facts about the affair to the BS. The BS needs to know who OP is so he or she can be avoided, and also things like how long the affair lasted and whether they went away together, or had sex in the marital home, or met each other's children.

He specifically discourages the BS from probing the WS about feelings and reasons. He does encourage the discussion of unmet emotional needs that made the affair attractive, but he does not want the WS to tell the BS about the intensity of the sexual feelings or the sexual positions, or to compare those to the feelings that were felt for the BS. He does not want the WS to probe over and over for reasons. The BS does need to know about circumstances, such as the affair taking place during overnight travel, or during working hours in hotels, but Dr Harley is very much against exploring the detailed intricacies of physical and emotional feelings, as you often encourage in your posts.

For one thing, there can never be a reason that makes any sense. The BS will possible never be satisfied with any reasons given, because, whatever those reasons were, the WS always had an alternative to having an affair, and often did not talk to the BS about any unhappiness he or she felt. An affair will rarely make sense as an answer to any marital problem, to the BS who was in the same marriage and never had one.

As fifteen says, she cannot explain how she was able to have a happy marriage and be in love with her H, and still compartmentalise enough to have an affair. And how do you suppose she could ever explain her feelings during the affair in a way that will make her H feel satisfied with the answer? What can a WS ever say about how indifferent they were to the BSs feelings, that will make a BS feel that this or that particular answer is acceptable?

Digging deeper into the WS's feelings is unlikely to ever reach a satisfactory conclusion or make the BS feel at peace. What it is very likely to do, though, is keep the affair centre stage in the marriage and make the present as unpleasant as possible.

You bring your own obsessions to bear when advising a WW, especially. I think that your own problems in your marriage are that first, you treat your wife's pre-marital infidelities as on a par with her post-marital ones, and even though you knew about at least one of her infidelities before you married, you refuse to let those go, and second, she won't tell you anything about the post-marital infidelities.

That is different from fifteen's position on the past affairs. She isn't withholding the facts from her H. Fifteen's H's problem might well be that she has never changed job and this makes him feel unsafe, and he refuses to consider her leaving the job. But fifteen has talked about her past affairs, and talking about them has brought nothing but further misery for him. Please stop encouraging her to go on with this.

HDW,

I am not disagreeing with you at all. In fact, I agree but my H has made it very clear that he does not want us to move and does not want me to leave my job at this point. The second, he changes his mind, I am out of this school, my house, whatever and wherever he wants to go. His wish right now is for me to stay and that is what I am doing. Of course, after last night this may all change.

There were however problems, things that really hurt and have bothered me for quite some time.

Two things come to mind reading this (and NO, "XVY is a whiny b***h!" is not one of them):

1) The description you provide could fit 90% of modern marriages.
2) FBH would say exactly the same thing if he spoke honestly.

This is the issue that he must explore. If your marriage was (his assessment) "perfect" before, he'd be eager to get back to it and renew the ongoing life in paradise. One of the major tenets of the principles here is that the marriage pre-A is gone, never to return. The new marriage, if constructed along the lines of the MB practices, has the potential to be superb.

So why is he not buying a ticket for that new superb marriage? Because he does not believe it can be built. How much of that doubt is due to his internal risk-averse nature, and how much is caused by belief that - based on his unspoken dissatisfaction with your pre-A union - that better marriage for him cannot be shared with you, is not clear.

BUT - you have little leverage in directly swaying his decision, right now, to give "all-in MB" a shot. A glorious Plan A can...tempt?...bribe?...entice?... a bearish BS to consider it, but it's not a sure thing. It is, however, your only hope.

Hi 15,

I haven't posted here in a long time, still lurk and I do watch your sitch. I'm always hoping you and Mr. 15Y will have a happy ending, kinda close to my sitch.

I have been having a rough spell this past month or two, as this is about 1 year from the affair and we're getting close to 1 year post d-day. Perhaps Mr 15Y is going through a slump as well. Seems every mile stone is a trigger, some bigger than others. Pictures are a big trigger for me as well, just remind me of the time that my W was destroying me and our marriage. Wolfpack nailed it with her explenation of how the BS views the past in the pictures.

I don't have any good advice to give. Just thought I'd come back from lurking to give a little support.

15years. His family is a huge part of your problem. I'm pretty sure that I would have never recovered if I ran to toxic support every time I triggered.

I agree with everyone that you would benefit from the coaching center when DH returns home. They are experts at getting reluctant spouses on board...and being on board is how he will recover himself and your marriage.

Otherwise, his anger will follow him through life.

I think you need to have a consult with steve Harley ASAP