Just this week I confirmed my husband has been having an affair. I was suspicious of it and after checking to see if he was where he was suppose to be going and finding him with another woman at her house. I am numb and still in shock. I had an affair over 6 years ago and caused my husband incredible pain. For two years we stuggled but our marriage was in such a good place. We both agreed our life was in such a good place. He doesn't want to go through all the pain we went through before with my affair. We have three children now and I want to work it out. Not only for the children but for us. I love my husband. He claims he doesn't know if he has it in him. He doesn't know what he wants. His affair was both emotional and physical. He claims to have ended it with her. He still have her number, email, etc. in his phone. I have asked him to delete it out and he said he doesn't know if he should talk to her again. He is sitting on the fence with the decision of whether he wants our marriage or not. I know if he speaks to her again though our marriage will not have a chance. I don't know what to do or how to convience him to try. I can speak from experience that your judgement is clouded when the lover is still in the picture or at least waiting in the wings. Please help me save my marriage!!!!

Hi Numbing, welcome to Marriage Builders. WE can help you save your marriage but you have to kill off the affair. The way you kill off the affair is to expose it. Please read the thread in my signature and come back and lets discuss.

I have exposed the affair to my parents and his, and siblings. He does not know this though. His father and employer approached him about it before I did. The lover's parents live across the street from us so I see her every day because she visits often. She is also still married but recently separated. The separation took place after the affair started. I don't know who her husband is or where he works. I just know he picks up there son sometimes from their house. I am the most unconfrontational person. I read what you said about exposure but I am afraid that will end the chance for us to rebuild our marriage.

If you don't expose, your marriage won't make it. In order to save your marriage, you have to kill the affair. You do that by exposing it. You have so many great exposure targets that you could probably kill this affair right away. But you will have to move becuase you can't continue to live across the street from the OW.

So, if you are serious about saving your marriage, you need to get to work and expose this affair. I understand you like avoiding conflict, but you don't have that luxury if you want to save your marriage. You need to put that aside and get to work if you want to save your marriage. Its your decision.

But there is nothing we can do to help you if you enable the affair. Keeping it a secret is enabling it.

That is NOT exposure. Exposure means to expose, not keep secret.

Have you told this OW's husband and parents?

numbing. This should scare you more than exposure. Woman don't usually leave their home unless they they believe they have somewhere to go. You need to step up and expose. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Shedding the light of day on it is a very powerful weapon in killing it.


Exposure is not confrontational. It is telling the truth about the problem in your marriage (third person) and asking for support.


You can very easily talk to OW BH when he comes by to pick up his son. Does he know that his marriage broke up because your husband entered into it? Wouldn't you have wanted the BH to inform you if he had known?

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I suspect OW is now putting the pressure on him to leave you since she has taken this step.




Why haven't his and OW parents said anything to the infidels. Do they approve?

Please read.
Conflict avoidance is the kiss of death

The affair is exposed now as many people in our community know. I have not seen the OW husband. However, she has made a point to be at her parents practically every day. I am not sure if they know or not about the affair. I am afraid they are still in contact. I have a feeling my husband has set up another email account and is emailing her from there. How can I ever know though? He has agreed to go to marriage counseling, however he said he is resistant to go and won't be receptive. I am do disappointed on so many levels. I just don't understand why he would want to continue the affair after telling me he would like to try and work it out. I say an email that he wrote to her and he said he was going to try to work it out with me for the family but the he didn't doubt their paths would cross again. I am very upset by this because I feel that he is ultimately planning on being with her.

Numbing,

Go across the street and tell this skanky woman's parents what is happening. Ask for the information about OWH and either call him up on the phone and tell him as he picks up his child. He probably has no clue why his marriage is falling apart.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time. Your husband has already said that he is resistant. That's because he is in an affair and wants both you and OW. Right now, your H wants both of you. He wants to stay in his marriage for many reasons, but also wants to keep OW on the side. Around here, we call that cake eating.

Look at the operation investigate forum for ways to check up on what your husband is doing. Slap a keylogger on your computer, a VAR in his car and a card reader on his phone.

It's already been said in the posts above. You have to kill the affair before there is any chance at recovering the marriage. So, kill the affair with exposure!

AM

The affair has NOT been exposed if you have not spoken to OW parents. By not informing them you are leaving the the OW free to contact your husband anytime she likes because no one is holding her accountable for her own behaviour. OW parents are a powerful weapon in breaking up this affair especially given that her parents personally know you and your children.



Of course she is making appearances every night because she is trying to steal your husband.





That is very easy to discover by installing a keylogger on the computer and a VAR/GPS in the car. Easy.



This is typical of a wayward. He wants to say that he tried to save the marriage by going to MC but it just didn't work.



He is a wayward and waywards LIE. Stop believing what he says.

The biggest mistake that I made was to underestimate the lengths that an OW would go to steal my husband...and my OW was a supposed friend. The OW in your case has separated from her BH. That would scare me Numbing. You need to find the strength to really fight this affair and KILL it or you will lose your family.

Don't let some OW steal your husband and break up your family.

Talk to OW parents...TODAY. Install the spyware.

Be strong.

You are afraid of confrontation while OW has made room in her house for your husband. She has a plan. You need one too. You need to blow-up this little fantasy. Her husband and his parents need to know. OWH will use your info to apply preasure to OW. His parents and OW parents may not condone broken home for their grandchildren. They may tell her your husband will never be welcome.
You are making it very easy to be replaced.
Aren't you mad. Why NOT rock the boat.
You will know exposure is working when he is mad that everyone knows.
dan

Did you read our posts about exposing this affair, MADAM? You are going to lose your marriage if you don't get up and start taking some action here.

He IS not planning on being with her, HE IS WITH HER. And will stay that way if you don't buck up and do something. Read the thread in my signature and get to work!

I guess I have to wonder why HE gets to decide?

I'd make it clear. If you are not willing to be a faithful husband, then you don't want him in your life, period.

Do you really want a husband who is on the fence?

Marriage Builders is not marriage at all costs. I'd say he is far less appealing as a spouse if he cannot commit to you and to fidelity.

This is not only his decision, it's yours too.