That's exactly what made think of you.

Is it logical? I also loved how Dr. H said he would tell her as his father.

I know you're struggling with the D and I'm thinking of you friend.

How are you doing Cara?

Thanks for thinking of me LR.

I'm okay. Ups and downs at the moment. There has been a lot going on. Life I guess. There are good things going on, of course there are also trying times as us betrayed all experience. I'll try and give an update in the next few days. It might help me to share, and hopefully others if following.

I have to share this now though, my slab got poured today!!!

Grats Cara

Awesome news on your slab. The beginning of your new home. The foundation is set and the walls will be going up soon. Very very exciting.

There isn't anybody your hiding under that slab, it there?...

I forget; that's *my* fantasy.

Oh wow, I'll have to listen to that myself later!



I can't tell you what to think or feel, here Car, I can only share my experience. I filed before I was truly ready. It couldn't have hurt more, if I had been run through with a broadsword.

It's painful and humiliating to file for a D and have the spouse you've loved for years and years go 'OK', or come back with 'their own grounds for a D', and worst of all - do nothing. They dont fight for you, dont become repentant, they just let you slide out of their world. Very very painful.

But I had to for financial reasons. And I knew enduring the short term pain was the more logical option than the long term hangover from being screwed financially.

I think a D would be painful for you right now, and that's why you are not filing. Because further abuse from the person who attacked us IS painful. No matter how far along the line you are

I would suggest examining whether or not it is logical for you to endure the pain now, or wait until your lovebank is more frozen. (I am not suggesting you are still romantically in love with him either, just that the pain of being humiliated/ignored/unloved hurts more than it might further down) For example, it may be more logical to begin dating at an earlier point than a later one if you want a family. That's my rationale for pushing myself a bit, anyway.
In your shoes, I would do it. I would pull the plug. Only because I am glad I did it too soon for more reasons than the financial one. I am SO ready now, impatient even, and I am still meeting with divorce delays. If I had started later, I would be in limbo for longer.

Feelings do follow actions. When I endured the pain of the early D days, I grew more emotional muscle to deal with it.

This is just my take on things though. You can take your time if that feels like the best way to go.

There is no hurry unless you feel there is a logical reason for any hurry.

Why don't you take some legal advice on the matter and how long it will take? About the process? It may help you make a decision.

Lol Yeah I know of an OM who needs to be an inspector of the underside of a concrete slab

I think you haven't filed because you are a Buyer.

Someone who wants to work on a better marriage gosh darn it.

Thanks for the laugh MrE!

Indie, thanks for your perspective. I already know how long D will take. It is longer if I file, because Gollum is out of the country. It will take 3 months. If he files, it will all be done in 2 months. It is clear cut in Aus. Once filed, a Court date is set for a month. Without kids, neither of us has to appear. Once at Court, another month for it to be final.

reading, thanks. As always, your words make me feel better. Others often make me feel odd for my buyer mindset. I do know that I need to work hard at downgrading from a buyer though, before I am ready to enter the dating arena.

An update.

Two weeks ago Gollum contacted my solicitor asking if he can serve the D papers via her as he wants to apply. My gut reaction was... well, not polite. I thought about making it harder for him, if I refused he would have to pay for service. But I then thought about what is best for me. I don't want some stranger popping up in an embarassing location (work?) and serving me in front of others. And in some way, his filing for D makes it much easier (and less expensive) for me.

Meanwhile, he has not provided the financial docs needed for property settlement. It is going on at least three months now and costing us both in legal fees. Yet he can manage to organise D. Typical selfish wayward.

Last week I got more trickle truth that hit me hard. I looked at a bank statement, and saw that Horse Ho transferred cash into my credit card account the day Gollum arrived in Aus. To help pay for his airfare. Her name, in black and white, on my bank account. I remember his petty lies about a "friend" making the payment as he had been too busy. It all threw me for a loop. How gullible, naive and foolish I was. I still have simmering anger just writing this.

This week... I read yesterday that Gollum's uncle has passed away. Part of me feels it is disrespectful of me not to attend to show my respect. It is how I was raised. Yet I don't know if Gollum will fly back or not. My mother wants to go, but does not want to see Gollum. I advised her to go if she wants and ignore him if he is there.

I have confirmed my China holiday in five weeks! There has been set backs with this due to my mother's health, but we have persevered and are going regardless. My mother is a couragous one, nothing will stop her from living life to its fullest, cane, walking frame, wheelchair or no.

Money is a bit of an issue for me... given my high-flying lifestyle! I have only myself to blame. Building a home and having an overseas holiday are indulgent. I still have to figure out finances for a car once I move, and also furniture. The legal fees are starting to impact. It is a learning curve having only one income, no back up. I am fortunate in that I got a pay rise recently. I know I am underselling myself on even the pay rise salary, but I am happy in the job so am not looking elsewhere at the moment.

I can see a bright future is on its way to me. I still struggle though, at what the cost was.

That isnt long at all. I think you have the luxury of waiting until you are further along in healing. When ready you can probably get the divorce taken care of without any impatience on that sort of timescale.



That is really low. just shows how stupid and thoughtless and single minded addicts are.
I've been indulgent and overspent in Plan B too. It just feels slightly more important than it ever has been to grab opportunities. It's something to watch though.

Congrats on your hol!

hi cara! congrats on your slab - do you think you'll be in for xmas/summer? how exciting! i have butterflies in my tummy just thinking about it! you must too. and china on top! my goodness, girl, you don't do anything by halves!

so, so sorry to hear about your lows and the bank statement. that would have made me break something, i think. put it away, and when you don't need it anymore (taxes, court, whatever), burn it. and let all your anger go with it. you don't need it weighing you down anymore - your new life is starting.

i know the OC has been on your mind almost continuously. and i bet you DO feel cheated - i certainly would. that's part of learning that we have no control over others. and i know how frustrating it is as an assertive, ambitious woman how hard it is to realise that some things we have no control over when we like our world so orderly. perhaps you can add that to the "letting go" pile when you set it aflame. you could do it symbolically with something that symbolises WH, HH, and OC (besides the bank statement).

so...are you going to accept the service of the D papers? two months then? it sure is turning into a busy time for you, and no wonder you are feeling so low with nightmares and the like. your poor subconscious must be working overtime with everything.

hang in there, gf, the walls go up next, right? make sure your powerpoints are all in the right places, and for goodness sake, make sure you put a double one in the bathroom! my H worked on a house last year for a SA couple who didn't want even one in the bathroom! apparently they don't do that in south africa. i can't imagine having to do my hair anywhere else!

We dont have power points in UK bathrooms either. Always amuses me that, when I travel. I dry my hair sat down at my dressing table, not over the sink!

Great news about the house. You will find a way to furnish it and get the car.

Here, powerpoint is a microsoft office application and we plug the hair dryer into an electrical outlet.

AM

Letty, I'm not sure yet when I'll be in my house. I am expecting Jan / Feb, but if it is earlier, all the better. Yesterday I went to check on progress... the frame has gone up. I wandered through the "rooms", and it gave me such a sense of excitment. Much different to the slab (which I thought looked so small, I called it a matchbox). The frame gives a sense of perspective. I have gone for a lot of windows facing the morning sun, and the back wall of my lounge is all glass sliding doors, adjoining the alfresco room. It may be small, but it will be light and airy.

I got called in to the builders today, they have run out of the laminate for my laundry bench so I had to choose another. I was not fussed in the slightest, and the new colour that has been released will actually match my stone benchtops all the better. As for powerpoints (yep, I'll stick with the down under terminology, sorry AM) in the bathroom, of course I have them for the GHD's and hairdryer. Electrics is somewhere I spent extra... downlights in the living areas, make-up light in the ensuite, extra powerpoints in places, outdoor lighting.

I like your suggestion on a letting go cremation. I have thought of doing this with my wedding dress and a few other odds and ends (OMG, I still have matching honeymoon hats!) Once the D is final, I think it will be symbolic.

I told my solicitor I will accept the D papers. As much as the end of my M still grieves me, I want the release as well. Rip the band aid off so to speak, so I can continue to heal and move forward. I hope Gollum will take action rather then just mouthing the words, as much as I know getting those papers will hurt. I'm curious to see how long it takes him to get off his wayward backside. I remember someone (Indie?) mentioning early in my thread that if he walks away without a backward glance I am well rid of him or some such. Well, he has done it. Although I feel the rejection and pain of this, I also see what a selfish fool it makes him.

My parents are going to the funeral tomorrow. I have hummed and haahed over it, thinking at one point I should go out of respect for this man, and the family. Thankfully I have good friends I bounced ideas off. Instead, I have sent flowers and a sympathy card to a SIL and the aunt. This can be interpreted however they wish, but for me it makes me feel I have recognised the loss of a good man, their grief, and shown some respect. I feel good about what I have done, whereas attending the funeral... it would have just made me anxious, and possibly others.

Another hurtful moment was reading the condolences in the newspaper. The SIL's had put in a message, and of course now my name is not included beside Gollum's. Thankfully, neither was Horse Ho's. And the Black Sheep SIL's partner, who has never been recognised in media announcements, has been promoted and was included. My black humour kicked in... maybe he was promoted after comparison to Horse Ho.

We would actually say electrical socket or plug socket, I was copying Letty's phrase!

good call on a sunrise view for the rooms.

I'm going to have a cremation ceremony too, with Softlad's love letters.

My parents went to the funeral, and were warmly received by SIL's and uncles. Two of the SIL's became even more emotional, saying that the loss from Gollum's actions is harder at these times. I agree.

These two SIL's rang me after the wake, having received my card. The younger one was pretty upset, saying she misses me and I was welcome to go to the funeral, and would always be "aunt caracal" regardless.

The eldest said the reality of Gollum's affair and the loss had really hit home. That my parents and I had been too close to the family, had too many good times, to not always be welcome... I guess they don't know that months ago Gollum sent me a rant about not contacting his family (not that I read it). She told me of her last conversation with the eldest uncle who passed away, that he asked about Gollum and I. She reminded him that we had separated and Gollum was having an A. She said the whole family is very aware of Gollum's A.... she mentioned Gollum will never understand the effect on others, he keeps insisting this is just between him and I. Typical wayward, and I feel sad that his family are probably confused about his words and actions when I see them for what they are.

The eldest knows how badly I have been affected by the betrayal, yet I always feel that she is judging me by my response to it. It might just be me though. She asked if I will ever be able to cope with being around their family again. I said I will always consider them family given our history and I would love to see them all, that they are welcome to visit. But that I never want to see Gollum again. That in my eyes the man he was is dead and I don't want to know the man he is. That I will never accept his lies and disrespect. I was very emotional, put on the spot and was probably interepreted as vindictive or something. She was silent for a moment, before asking about my plans to stay in the town I live in.

Both SIL's said they had been thinking about me all day, even before seeing my parents.

Horse Ho is never mentioned... just "the A". I imagine having contact with me is very hard work for them... it is easier for them all when I don't contact, so they can just accept my replacement and enjoy having a newborn niece / nephew.

I wondered if the eldest may have been trying to mend bridges for him.

I miss his family terribly though. Not being there for these occasions is hard.

Hugs, honey