This is a typical response to exposure, T2C. The wayward goes bats and has an insane angry outburst and acts like an idiot and says crap like "I was going to end it, but now you've ruined all hope," etc.

You just have to keep a steady hand on the till and stay the course. None of it means anything. "It's over," etc., but none of it means anything. Don't even answer.

Start a relaxation regimen. Read online about how to stay relaxed and calm in the face of stress. Consider taking anti-depressants to even out your mood.

DO NOT TALK TO YOUR WIFE when you are not calm. Bite your lip and SHUT UP. Do this regardless of whether you want to keep the marriage at the moment or not. This woman is going to be in your life for a long time.

Even a fool, when he holds his tongue, is considered wise.

The typical problem men make is thinking they need to straighten out their wives.

Of course, an affair is a disaster for everybody involved, and the typical male reaction here is not too off track. It would be great if you could get through to her. But of course we're going into major disrespectful territory here, not to mention making yourself crazy.

The thing about Plan A is, it doesn't depend on her. In Plan A you meet emotional needs and avoid love busters (AND FIGHT THE AFFAIR). You do this whether she responds or not, whether she gets angry or not, etc. You just keep making the deposits. You know you won't see any effect till you cross important lines, and you also know and expect that your efforts are hindered by the contrast effect of the affair. (so you FIGHT THE AFFAIR using every means possible, including exposure). The important lines to cross are the lines from hate into dislike, the line from dislike to neutral, the line from neutral to like, and the romantic love threshold. You really do not see a difference except when you cross those lines. Crossing those lines is sudden; there is no gradual change on the way. And on the way, she may love bust the hell out of you. (So take antidepressants so you don't become an emotional and irrational basket case.)

Do not send flowers at this time. Flowers are a symbolic act of care. She will need to see real acts of care for the symbolism to mean anything.

Pursue her by becoming a part of her life and studying what will make real love bank deposits. Primarily, become the person she can talk to about her problems.

Marriage Builders is a program for non-lazy husbands to fix all this stuff, typically without much input from their uncooperative wives. If you'll get intensely involved in educating yourself, you can probably fix 90% of her complaints.

Why should she have to tell you again if she's told you before? Doesn't that make perfect sense?

The typical mistakes are all laid out for you from Marriage Builders: selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, annoying habits, independent behavior, neglecting intimate conversation, neglecting affection (note that this includes concrete acts of care, not just symbolic acts), neglecting family commitment, neglecting openness and honesty. FIX THIS STUFF. And, of course, FIGHT THE AFFAIR.


Feelings change.


Of course not, and only she can change that, but any attempt to talk to her about it right now will make the problem worse, not better, so ...


Stop talking to her about it!!!!!!!!


Don't post any more of her random fogged out drunk ramblings. If you want to fix this, take some antidepressants and get busy becoming the world's best Plan A-er. Plan A is focusing on YOU, not HER. Your behavior and words, not hers.

Ok so T2c did you read markos's posts?

So you have to wait 6-7 months before she can file? Is that correct?

So what rockstar Plan A do you have?

Read Marki's post. No more worry about what she says until she starts talking recovery.

Right BH, she cannot file in South Carolina until we have been separated for a year since she doesn't have ant reason like affair, alcohol/drug abuse, or physical abuse.

I am going to start talking to her about the kids and how her day and weeks have been going. Hopefully that will spark more conversation which will fill her need for conversation.

Also listened to Dr. Harley's Teleclass tonight. Great stuff.

Talking to my WW for the first time in about a month. I had kinda went into a plan b with out sending out a plan b letter. We are talking about the kids school orientation.

I will tell ya'll about the lastest email she sent me later tonight when I get off. The subject line was "What went wrong"

Remember Dr. H said you're in Plan A from afar. So you need to fill her love bank. Talk about good things and pleasant things. Stay away from relationship talk.
She wants IC from you.

BH, all we talked about the other night was the kids and then I asked her about her new principal and how that was going. That is about as far as the conversation got. She did say Goodnight at the end of the conversation. I think this is a good first start.

Tonight we talked again about the kids and me carrying them to their first day of school. All this was after I saw her for the first time in about two months at the kids school orientation.

Although I think she might be upset that I went ahead and paid the house payment for the month of September.

Can I POJA while me and the wife are still separated to discuss how we are going to pay the bills. I'm not happy with he way she wants to do it and I don't want to come out and say this is the way we are going to do it. That sounds like a lovebuster to me.

In other note, going to pick the boys up for their first day of school. This should be interesting since it is the youngest first time going to school.

What is your agreement on the bills? Do you have it in writing? Yes you should POJA this. Is she even on board with POJA?

She would daily text with OM, correct? What are you doing to step this up? This will help with IC.

What do your kids understand of the situation? Remember Plan A is with no expectations.

When you finally saw her did you make sure you looked good, smelled good? That you were in good spirits?

There really isn't an agreement on the bills. Nothing is in writing. I gave her the arcticle about POJA when we first split but I don't know if she read it.

I will text her everyday and ask how her day went and ask about the kids. Hopefully after a little while the conversations will progress into other
stuff.

Yes I smelled good and looked good because I dressed for work and since I'm a manager I was wearing a white button up shirt and dress pants.

Not sure what my kids understand of the situation. I told my oldest a month or so back in a way I think he would understand but I not sure if he actually understands. The oldest is only five. The youngest is only three and I have not told him anything.

Yes the 3 year old is too young. Good job on telling your DS5.

So does she expect you to pay all the bills? For your protection I would get something in writing.

So let's work on that IC.

What things is she interested in? She's a teacher, correct? So she probably likes to read? Any good books you could send her?

How about small talk? Also when you have your kids updates are good.

Say things like "guess what was so funny? DS5 did this.......

We have such smart kids. DS5 did this and DS3 did this. They remind me of you because you're so smart.

Admiration was a top EN for her? Wasn't it?

No she doesn't want me to pay all the bills. What I want is to split the house payment up, split the kids school tuition up and split the cell phone bill up. She wants to pay for the house and me pay for the kids tuition and she wants me to cancel the phones that are mine and my parents and get a plan of my own.

Yes she likes to read.

And yes I can update her on the kids because my ds5 said something cute today. He asked was Happy Meals called Happy Meals when God was alive.

I will send her the updates today.

That is cute and that will be a good one to send.

Add something nice when you send it. Lots of Plan A.

Today didn't end well. DS3 had a complete meltdown when I dropped him off tonight. Having to calm myself down so I can continue with plan a. Making sure I don't say anything I shouldn't. So I'm doing like markos said and calming down before I respond.

T2C,

DS3 had a complete meltdown when I dropped him off tonight.

That's difficult to read, too bad the OM couldn't have been there to see the destruction he had a hand in creating, make a recording next time and email it to your WW.

And how does your WW feel about the effects on her children?

Make it clear to your WW that both sons will eventually be told the story.

God Bless
Gamma

WW doesn't care she's in love.

POSOM doesn't care he's getting his $*@% wet.

WW split up the cell phone bills today so I have no way of tracking her text anymore. For the past few days the text I've been tracking hasn't been responding back to her. Not sure what to think of it except for the fact that I found out today he might be married. If so wonder if his wife found out about it.

Now I'm stuck a little. Do I ask her about the texts, do I text the number and ask what is going on, or do I just leave it alone.

This is the toughest thing I done in my life.

No, don't ask. If it starts working again you'll have given up a snooping tactic. She'll be onto you because if the number is the OM who do you think he'll tell first about someone knowing the number?