That's hogwash...if that was why she did it, then why did she keep it a secret?

She did not do it to wake you up.

She did it because she spent time alone with the boss and they started talking and getting more and more personal and started meeting some emotional needs of each others (read the basic concepts and the one about emotional needs) and they crossed lines that married people ought not to cross with someone not their spouse.

Time alone with someone of opposite gender. Poor boundaries.

Nothing to do with you per se.

I agree, like i said I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth right now. The more i read, the more I understand how much I have let the situation get out of control. I let the fear "of the loss of income" be the driving factor instead of what is the right thing to do.
We keep going from; we will go to counseling to start working everything out, to we need to seperate for a while to fix ourselves first. I think she is stil talking to someone there. Which has been a problem through all of this.

Does anyone know of any counselors in the Atlanta area that follow the Marriage Builders philosophy?
The lady we seen answered the questions I had for her, has read "his needs her needs", she seemed like she understood. At the end of the first session she said not to talk about what happened, talk more about the possitive things and not to stir anything else up with her boss until she finds a job.

When it comes to affairs DO NOT follow the advice of counselors.
Exposure kills affairs.
Listening to counselors doesn't. And seeing a counselor during an affair is a complete waste. It becomes a complaint session.

However it can also be a safe environment to make a demand. I made the following demand in my marriage counseling during my wife's affair: END THE Affair and commit to rebuilding the marriage through marriage builders program or I will divorce you.

I would encourage you to make the same demand

When it comes to exposure, you may lose income.
Without exposure you may loose your wife.
If you lose your wife you will lose both anyway.

As for the company and the other 50 employees you mention I doubt they will all lose their jobs.
Even if that happened it would be a natural consequence of the affair and with affairs and addictions natural consequences are a good thing. To try to stop natural consequences (covering up your wife's affair) is called enabling

MrI, you need to lose the counselor and expose the affair. Did you read Britsbrat's post? She is a corporate attorney for one for one of the top companies in the world. There is no reason you can't expose the affair NOW. The OM cannot fire for her for having an affair with him. It is illegal.

Are you snooping to ensure the affair has actually ended?

Nothing is going to change here unless you start taking some action.

Did you read this?

It IS pointless to do counseling with an active wayward.....and she is.

Here is info about counseling in general
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html


and you might try emailing the Marriage Builders coaching center or radio program to inquire about marriage builders counselors that might be near you should you ever get to a juncture to perhaps use one.

If she hasn't read "Surviving an Affair," she's not going to be very helpful in your situation. HNHN is a great book for preventing affairs, but it can give a lot of wrong impressions that SAA is designed to correct.

Dr. Harley himself says this on the radio. For example, he says that if a wayward spouse reads HNHN instead of SAA, they may come back telling the betrayed spouse that they are to blame for the affair, which is wrong and incredibly offensive.

I suppose you could buy your counselor Surviving an Affair and Effective Marriage Counseling, but, Dude, do you really want to be teaching your marriage counselor and having him/her essentially practicing brain surgery out of a book on the fly with no experience?

I went to expose to the other spouse today, he was gone from the office and they dont expect him back, i think they are out of town till Tuesday. I had hoped the other spouse could have everything before the holiday weekend. I guess they get one more happy one for now.

Melody, I did read the legal info. i hope it works out that way, then on the other hand i am getting to were I could care less what happens on that end.

She is sleeping on her mothers couch and now wants "space to work on her broken self". Isn't that a standard/classic line in the affair world????? Her mind changes with the wind, or the voice in her ear....

Anyway I didn't get a lot of time to do much of a plan A through this. So other than financial issues that we have plenty of now thanks to her, i intend to stop all communication, i am going toward plan B. Unless there are other things I need to do first???

I am listening to the advice and acting on it as well as i can. At this juncture I got nothing to lose. Thanks for the advice.

It is a sign that the affair is still on. I would strongly suggest you find out if the OMW is really out of town AND put your PI hat on!


I would not go into Plan B. You should expose the affair FIRST and focus on busting it up. That is an important part of Plan A. In order for exposure to be effective, it must be done strategically. Doing trickle exposures is a disaster.

Have you seen this?
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Yes, I had a plan for today, A lot of people were going to have a long weekend. i wasn't thinking like a wealthy business owner and can take a long weekend. I was thinking about it the way I have to live, my off time starts on Friday after work.

Were you going to talk to OM? Or OMW?

When did your wife leave to go stay with her mother? How did that happen? Does her mother know about her affair?

I was going to see the OMW, I do have a plan for this. I wanted it before the weekend.
She went to her mothers a week ago, it was in the last paragraph of the abbreviated story. She was furious when I confronted her boss. Since Sat. we have spent most of the days together, until yesterday.

As far as her mother, she knew about the fake story from February, but I do not know if my wife told her the truth or not. She told me she did, but like I said I don't believe anything out of her mouth right now. Her family and I are not on speaking terms, a situation my wife caused 2 1/2 months ago, different story. So i can't call and confirm, I am working on a way to get my story over there in the mix.

I am very glad you are working on getting the correct story over to your wife's family. This is very important. Did you read the exposure templates in my exposure thread?

How about sharing your exposure plans so we can help you tighten them up?

I think your wife is probably still in touch with the OM, hence her moving to her mothers. That is why it is so important that you expose to her mother and the rest of the family. Do your kids know?

Could your wife be planning a weekend with the OM?

I went back and read the carrot and stick of plan A, I will be honest, I got some stuff mixed up. I don't know if I just didn't read ALL of it the first time or not. So, your right Melody, I am far from finished with plan A. So I will need to adjust my behavior and attitude toward her.
I WILL be exposing to the OMW as soon as i can.
I tell you, my brain is fried, the stress from this is gut wrenching on top of the heartache and trying to find a job on top of it has not been easy. I know all of you know this if you been through it, how do you keep whats left of your life together, for that much your sanity?????