Compatibility is CREATED, after all, so it is not necessary to have sex before marriage.

Many women are NOT going to take their panties off for someone they are not married to. They wouldn't consider marrying someone who expected to get laid before marriage as a condition. Asking me to put out before marriage as a test to see if I am good enough in bed DOES NOT make me feel cherished or loved.

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I never said it's necessary to have sex before marriage. I just said that you'll have a better idea of what to expect. I don't agree that compatibility is created, it's no different than introvert/extravert compatibility, indoor/outdoor type compatibility, spending habits compatibility, etc. You can always try to POJA things to make things better, but the basic compatibility (or lack thereof) is inherent.

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I never said it's necessary to have sex before marriage. I just said that you'll have a better idea of what to expect. I don't agree that compatibility is created, it's no different than introvert/extravert compatibility, indoor/outdoor type compatibility, spending habits compatibility, etc.

I believe that any couple can create compatibility once they are married by simply following the Policy of Joint Agreement. But it is also true that every couple should know as many of their conflicts as possible prior to marriage to give themselves a head-start at resolving them. PREPARE can help you identify them for you. While your boyfriend used that information to decide against marrying the other woman, the people at PREPARE would be the first to tell you that their inventory is not designed to warn you against marriage. Instead, it is designed to identify conflicts and encourage you to resolve them in a way that would make your marriage fulfilling. Presumably, after completing the inventory, you and your friend would go to work trying to resolve the conflicts with the Policy of Joint Agreement.

While we are on the subject of compatibility, however, there are five criterion that I recommend to those who are looking for a marriage partner. The reason I have picked these five, which are usually not found in most tests of compatibility, is that incompatibility in any of these areas make the Policy of Joint Agreement particularly difficult to implement. As a psychologist, I save marriages by showing spouses how to change their behavior to create a fulfilling marriage. But the categories that I will share with you now are traits that even trained psychologists have great difficulty trying to change. And so when you date, look for compatibility in these areas.

1. Intelligence. You and he should be roughly equivalent in intelligence, within about 15 IQ points. Without having to take an IQ test, you can usually figure that out by comparing grades in school, although men are notorious underachievers in high school. College grades are a better measure of intelligence for both men and women. The quality of your conversation is another good indicator of compatible intelligence. Men who are stimulating to talk to are usually in your league intellectually. But if there is a large gap between you in IQ, both of you will tend to be bored by your conversation. The one with the highest IQ will find the conversation to be superficial, and the one with the lowest IQ won't be able to keep up. There is also a tendency of someone with a higher IQ to disrespect the judgments of the one with the lower IQ, and that's an absolute relationship killer. Respect is essential in marriage regardless of the quality of an opinion. If you both enjoy talking to each other for hours at a time, and you respect each other's ideas, you pass the test.

2. Energy. You should marry someone roughly equivalent to you in energy. If one of you lays around watching TV while the other scurries about and can't sit still, it's probably a bad match. The reason energy is an important determiner of compatibility is that so many of your lifestyle pre-dispositions will depend on your energy. Leisure time activities and sexual interest are particularly sensitive to the amount of energy you have. People high in energy enjoy activities that burn that energy, even after work, while those with low energy levels would find such activities to be exhausting. And regarding sex, the more energy a person has, the more sex he or she tends to need. Since leisure activities and sex are two of the best ways to deposit love units after marriage, incompatibility in these areas can make it very difficult for a couple to stay in love.

3. Social Interest. If one of you is socially outgoing and the other is an introvert, that difference can make the planning of social activities very difficult. The Policy of Joint Agreement dictates that you don't do anything unless you can both agree, and in marriages of extroverts to introverts, their area of mutual social comfort is very narrow. The extrovert will not be able to get to know as many people as he or she would like because the introvert hates meeting new people. And the introvert will be constantly challenged to tread into the terrifying waters of introductions. Yet, I am very much opposed to spouses going their separate ways after marriage (one goes to a party and the other stays home), so the social interest difference require very creative solutions to keep them together yet make their social lives happy for both of them.

4. Cultural Background. Culture determines a host of personal sensitivities. Take Christmas, for example. In the American culture, Christmas is usually a big deal for most people. But imagine growing up in a family where every year Christmas was celebrated with zeal, only to discover after marriage that you cannot celebrate Christmas at all. The Policy of Joint Agreement dictates that you don't do anything unless you can both enthusiastically agree and because the person you married comes from a family that finds Christmas offensive, you do not celebrate it. Even if your spouse were to give you permission to celebrate Christmas, his background will still make such a celebration very uncomfortable to him. From my perspective, The Policy of Joint Agreement would rule Christmas out until a way is found to celebrate it with mutual enthusiasm.

Cultural background does not only dictate sensitivities, but it also dictates certain skills in meeting emotional needs. In some cultures, outward displays of affection are discouraged, and yet you may need that from the person you married. To meet your emotional need, he must not only go against his cultural training, but he must learn to do something that he was never taught.

Sometimes when two people are in love, they feel they can overcome cultural barriers. But that's usually because their relationship has been rather brief. They have not yet had to wrestle with some of the conflicts that culture imposes on them. I counseled one couple who had fallen in love, yet one could only speak Spanish and the other could only speak English. Granted they could eventually learn each other's language, but with that would come a host of cultural differences that might be much more difficult to overcome. Time eventually proved to both of them that their relationship was not meant to be.

5. Values. Moral values usually dictate how we behave. The Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty are moral values that I encourage all married couples to adopt because they create and sustain love. But even when these two important values are agreed to at the time of marriage, conflicts with other moral values can make the creation of a compatible lifestyle very difficult to achieve. Getting back to our Christmas example, it's a cultural difference that makes a spouse unskilled in knowing how to celebrate Christmas. But if you marry an Orthodox Jew, it's more than skill that will be a problem. He will probably be deeply offended by such a celebration. And that offense comes from his moral convictions, not just his cultural background. A discussion of values is always a good idea when on a date, because if you find your values to be very divergent, it will make it difficult for you to agree on a lifestyle that you enthusiastically share.

A question often asked in a compatibility test is "Would you be willing to give up your religion to please your spouse?" It's not really a fair question, because it usually doesn't come to that drastic measure. But the point is important, and I would rephrase the question a little differently. I would ask, "Do you have any beliefs that would prevent you from following the Policy of Joint Agreement?" That is actually more to the point. Is there some belief that is so important to you that you would be willing to let your spouse suffer rather that give it up? If so, you should be certain that your spouse shares the same belief.

The point in all of this is that wide differences in any of these five characteristics of people make it difficult, but not impossible, to create a compatible lifestyle.

That being said, I don't think it would wise to marry someone who was completely different in their worldview. To me, I would not be willing to tolerate someone who was not of the same religion or political outlook. That would be too much to overcome.

My own experience counseling cohabiting couples and research conducted by social scientists both point to the same frightening conclusion -- living together before marriage tends to doom a romantic relationship.

Hi everyone! I have not been on here for a long time. Several years ago, I went through a divorce and received some wonderful advice through this website, so thank you to all of you who helped me through that situation.

Now, I think about dating from time to time and have gone out a few times, but I find that I am too old-fashioned for this dating era. I still do not beleive in sex before marriage. I know, I'm alone in this... I receive very few matched on sites like Match.com... although this is the site that I found to be the most productive for finding dates. I wonder, though what your thoughts are on the subject of extra-marital sex for those of us who are single-again. Also, how do you justify your position on the subject? I could not go against my conscious, since the Bible teaches us that going against our conscious is an offense to our soul and to God. Any thoughts or suggestions?

I don't agree that compatibility is created,

Hi Lamby, thanks for bringing this topic up; I too have been wondering about this. Does anyone know what Dr. Harley's position on sex before marriage is? Any radio broadcast links on this? (hint, hint, BrainHurts are you there? ) I haven't found anything on this website or in any of his books that specifically addresses this topic.

Meeting emotional needs is an important part of his philosophy, and his case for dating 30 people before deciding to get married is that it gives you an opportunity to see what your needs are and what needs you're good at meeting.

In his book "I Promise You," he talks about the time leading up to marriage as a time for a couple to make sure that they enjoy meeting each other's needs. He doesn't explicity exclude the need for Sexual Fulfillment, but he doesn't specifically include it either. He seems to leave it up to each individual couple to decide based on their own moral views, or biblical principles, or anything else that guides them in this area.

I have mixed feelings about this topic, and I've been wondering if there's any direct reference to it by Dr. Harley that anyone's aware of. I would like to know his opinion about this. Thanks!

(BTW, I just watched the Hunger Games a couple nights ago with my son. Now I know where Panem is! When did you move from Ruritania? Sorry for the tj, Lamby)

Okay, maybe we should all have a list of the things we disagree with Dr. Harley on, posted in our signature.

I disagree with Dr. Harley on a few things, but I typically don't post my contrary opinions on his site.

The point in all of this is that wide differences in any of these five characteristics of people make it difficult, but not impossible, to create a compatible lifestyle.

I agree that resistance is the best policy.

As quoted above, Harley states that wide differences in certain areas can make it difficult to create a compatible lifestyle. That is exactly my point too, so I don't see a disagreement, other than the semantics between "compatibility" and "compatible lifestyle":

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The difference is that sex is not one of the things Dr. Harley lists as making it more difficult (not impossible) to build a compatible lifestyle. According to Dr. Harley the sexual compatibility can absolutely be achieved if the rest of the relationship is right and the other 10% issues are addressed, so there's no need (in Dr. Harley's paradigm) to explore sexual "compatibility" before marriage.

Agree with this. Sexual compatibility is created and it can just as easily be created when married as when not married.

And regarding sex, the more energy a person has, the more sex he or she tends to need. Since leisure activities and sex are two of the best ways to deposit love units after marriage, incompatibility in these areas can make it very difficult for a couple to stay in love.

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As he says, sexual incompatibility can be a death blow to a marriage, and I don't see anything to say that this can be overcome with POJA...

As he says, sexual incompatibility can be a death blow to a marriage,

"First I fix the relationship, and nine times out of ten, sexual problems disappear, with or without unresolved childhood experiences. I spend very little time fixing sexual problems these days because most couples I counsel don't have sexual problems after they have learned to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. "

Now, for the third time, if someone has moral objections to premarital sex, then by all means don't do it. And let's not get back to equating premarital sex with wh*ring, that is just silly.