15, you can also send an email to the radio show. You can have a session with Jennifer or Steve on your own, and they can give you some suggestions as to how to get your H on board with MB. I had two sessions with Jennifer, which were very helpful in guiding me into a Plan A, but I couldn't get broken on board.

Assuming that he is not back in contact with his AP, your H is not the bad guy. He's hurt and confused. I don't know what your M was like pre-A. If it was like mine, it was just "OK." broken and I both had issues...much of our problem stemmed from a failure to be O&H (on BOTH sides, about our own needs and what the other was doing that lovebusted us) and we were both conflict avoiders. Someone said on my thread once that broken and I had perfected the ability to go straight from withdrawal to intimacy, completely bypassing conflict. Then we'd drop straight back into withdrawal. The avoidance of conflict was us failing to be O&H with each other.

Anyway, the point of that was me wondering if part of the reluctance to recover (as a BH) stems from not wanting to go back to a M that was just, "OK." That there's an inability to believe that we can have an exceptional marriage if both spouses learn to meet each other's ENs and avoid LBs...Fear that we - the FWWs - will still fail to be O&H - not necessarily future infidelity, but that we may fail to be O&H about whether they are filling our needs and making us happy. broken has said something along those lines to me, that he doesn't believe he is capable of meeting my needs - now, that could be a lack of desire to do so (based on resentment, anger, laziness, selfishness, who knows), or fear of being unable to do so.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I wish I knew the magic words that could get your H to come back to the M and give MB a shot...I think I tried absolutely everything in my own sitch. One suggestion Jennifer gave me was writing him a letter (handwritten, not typed), spelling out what I promised to him based on the MB program - i.e., I promise to care for you, to protect you, etc - obviously with a little more detail (caring by meeting ENs...what ENs...how...etc). I left him the letter and Dr H's DVD in a big popcorn bucket with a bag of popcorn and some of his favorite candy. Candy and popcorn got eaten, at least. But just b/c it didn't work for me doesn't mean it may not work for you.

Stay strong. Thinking of you!

HDW,

I know that but her post was a little too close for my comfort. My H just started feeling comfortable enough to get on here and read my thread...I don't want him scared off by accusations.

He was very hurt that people on here were automatically assuming that he was having an A because he left so abruptly the other night. When in all reality he left because he was triggered and does not know how to deal with his pain.

He has proven to me exactly where he has been and have no doubt in my mind about it.

Now can we get back to helping my marriage!


I know I need to make an appt with Steve H whether my H is on board on not.

Should I also send an email to the Radio show? I have been on their once but the circumstances are a little different now.

I would just focus on talking to Steve Harley.

And your husband should consider starting his own thread. You will have a difficult time receiving advice If you are also acting as your husbands spokesperson on here

Thank you for your wise words and thinking of me! I think I am stronger than I have ever been in my life.

Yeah...I know. I feel the same...I still believe there is love for me somewhere inside broken, but it's buried under anger and resentment. No, divorce will not make either of our H's "happy"...only healing will do that, and they have to choose to heal - whether it be with us or without us. I was hyperfocused on what I believed was the best option for broken & myself, and that was to heal together...but at this point, more than 3 years post-A, I just want us to heal, even if that's apart. Rationally, I still think the best outcome would be a happy, restored marriage, but I also understand that for me, that I have about as much chance of that happening as that snowball in you-know-where.

I hear you on the guilt, too. I still can't let mine go. Oh, I understand I can't change the past, and I don't waste time with the woulda-coulda-shoulda's anymore, but after all, I am the one who dropped the A-bomb on our M. I've realized I'll never have his true forgiveness, and somehow I'll have to make peace with that, and heal from this on my own. Funny how I was so good at compartmentalizing things during my adultery and I can't compartmentalize worth a darn now.

fifteen, people here WERE helping your marriage, even when they suggested an affair. We have seen many other spouses behave in unfathomable ways and an affair is often the cause of that. What do you want posters to do when they see behaviour that sends up a red flag? We are trying to help you avoid what some of us have been through. We do not know your spouse but we do know that what you posted about him has often, in other marriages, been indicative of an ongoing affair. What do you want us to say when we suspect this? Do you wish us to say nothing?

I fail entirely to see how Neak's suggestion that Retycon was your H can scare your H off. If he knows that this wasn't him, what is there to scare him? If he has any interest in saving his marriage, how can an entirely reasonable deduction by someone trying to help your marriage hurt him? That makes no sense.

When posters who come here in their own time to help others who have been through what they've been through, you should be very wary of appearing to reject their help and tell them off, or imply that they are harming your chances of recovery. You might well find that they stop posting to you. It might be that you are so anxious to have your H home that you will defend his bad behaviour and fend off others who come to your assistance. Please try not to reject the help you are being given out of a desperate wish to appease your H.

Please think about apologising for what you said.

15yrs, I concur with every word Sugarcane just posted. If your husband is serious, he won't be run off by anything. Posters here have an obligation to point out red flags. If there is nothing to be concerned about, your H can explain why. That won't hurt him one bit.

I was very disturbed when I saw what you wrote to Neak, because she has been here long enough to have seen this happen numerous times. No one wants to believe their spouse would do that, but they do it all the time.

SC,

Please don't take my response to Neak as a rejection to help. I am not blind to the fact that my H's behavior at times has indicated an A and that I have been suspicious. I have also not been naive enough to ignore it. I have done my homework, I know how to snoop.

I'm sorry, I was offended by her comment/connection between R and my H. This could be because I was so offended by R himself and know for a fact that this is not my H.

Sometimes it is hard for the posters to see the entire picture because they are not in the situation. I understand this as well as anyone else.

I cherish all of the advice on here good and bad (most good) but when I feel hurt by advice and want to HONESTLY discuss it with another poster, I don't feel that I should automatically be accused of being confrontational and rejecting advice.

That was not my intention at all and I feel like I approached it with Neak in a respectful way...I am sorry if it seemed I did not.

15yrs, I won't mention names, but this very thing happened to another FWW over on the In Recovery forum last year. A new poster signed up and zeroed in on this woman, asking very similar questions. When posters suggested the FWW contact the mods and check IPs, the mods posted that her IP was the SAME as the new poster.

What is interesting is that the FWW adamantly denied it was her husband even though the moderator proved the posts were coming from the same house. It turned out she was the least objective person on the thread.

I am not saying you are the least objective person here, but I would not be so quick to dismiss such observances. While you have the greatest need for it not to be true, others do not.

Can I do this as well? What if he is posting from work or somewhere other than our home? Can the mods tell me where the post are coming from?

Certainly! If you notify the post they can sometimes tell you if the post is from the same house, town. I am NOT saying that he is your H, but I just wanted you to keep an open mind because it happens ALOT!

15Y,

At this point, given the state of your marriage, I hope it is your BH and he is getting additional perspectives, even if it isn't ideal that he is posting on your thread.

He is stuck and may only have only you for emotional support, does he have other people he confides in? Anything to move him out of that hole would be beneficial or at least no worse.

God Bless
Gamma

That just it gamma, he really doesn't. His family does not talk...period and they hate me. I'm not sure if he talks to his friends, there are a couple that I think he confides in but not sure how much. He is the King of conflict avoidance and I really feel that is the major problem.

Clearly there is much pain all the way around on both sides of the family. Have you considered the possiblity of trying to reach out to his family?

In our situation, we both reached out to our families. I appologized to her side of the family for by bad behavior prior to my W's A and am showing them the changes in me. It has gone a long way in earning their trust back.


My W has reached out to my side of the family and beared her heart, appologized, stated her intentions and promises for the future.


In a weird way it has brought our whole family close (excluding my SIL but that is a different story).

There are no guarantees how they may react but if you are like me, I am trying to do all the right things now within my control. I want to look back in 5, 10, 15 years and have no regrets. At least you will know you did all you could do.

You know, as a funny coincidence, the last couple days I've heard a couple 2010 radio shows from Dr. Harley where he mentions a guy he was working with at the time whose wife was leaving him. The guy insisted his wife was leaving him in order to take his money. Dr. Harley had talked with the guy's wife, and the reason she was leaving was because he was neglecting her (not meeting her emotional needs). And it was true, the guy wasn't spending time with his wife. But whenever Dr. Harley tried to get the guy interested in meeting his wife's needs in order to save his marriage, the guy just responded by insisting that his wife was leaving him over money.

Dr. Harley said that wasn't the only time he'd seen something like that.

Sorry, threadjack.

15Y,

**EDIT**
(Moderator note: please do not continue to advise this poster to take steps that would not be in accordance with Dr. Harley's advice. Familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders principles before posting.)

His friends btw may be no help as they may have told your BH stories of cheating on their BWs in the past, it's an ugly fact but men like to tell other men when they score. In the brutal world of alpha males a WH is two points higher than a BH. Many have told me those tales, but perhaps only because I am a good listener and discrete.

God Bless
Gamma

fifteen, Dr Harley says that you must not talk about the affair any more, so please do not do so. If you have not concealed any facts then there is nothing more to talk about. Do not allow him to keep questioning you to try and "understand' how or why it happened or how you felt about OM and him at the time. Talking about the affair is poisoning your marriage. Please take Dr Harley's advice and do not do this.

SugarCane,

One perhaps not so small point here is that her BH is NOT following MB, hence has a mixed marriage. I'm not sure how you get buy in from someone who is not on the team.

God Bless
Gamma

Well, you don't "get buy in" to MB by practicing the opposite of what Dr H advises. Please don't push your agenda on this struggling couple, Gamma. It is not as if talking about the affair has done them much good so far.