Yes an audio confession is a smoking gun. Most BS have to snoop to get the information so count yourself ahead of the game in regards to that.

So get your info on the OM1 and OM2 and do your exposure all at once.

Do either OM have facebook?

I would pursue the opportunity.
Obviously you don't give a Job to someone you have had a relationship with. My ex wife actually asked the same thing prior to divorce.

Facebook is being dutifully analysed for both OM1 and OM2.

I don't think WW has had any contact with OM1 since early 2010. Is it still advisable to go for exposure on that one?

Relationship with OM1 was entirely emotional affair territory after WW and I first met; prior to us meeting, OM1 had a very tepid relatonship with a small physical element (according to WW). I've seen OM1. He's physically repulsive, but a real charmer on the phone/via Internet.

Should an exposure letter aimed at WW's friends expose both OM1 and OM2? The only purpose I can see would be to document the history of emotional affairs.

Ok. Yeah, it's obvious. Just want back-up here that it's totally wrong.

The opportunity is really going to cut into the 15 hours a week thing if WW and I get to that stage.

I spoke to the director of the cohort I'll be in. My cohort is more women than men; mostly my age or younger; some married, some with families, a good number single.

I think I'm an "affair-proof" person. But I want to be realistic about what I'm getting into. (My cohort will provide me with plenty of opportunities for new, healthy friendships with men, so it's not all bad.)

You don't do POJA in active divorce

I'm confused.
Are you in active divorce (filed in court)?

Are you living together?

Dr Harley believes we are all wired for adultery. There is no such thing as an 'affair-proof' person. You make yourself affair proof by creating tight boundaries that do not allow yourself to have your EN's met by anyone other than your spouse.

I don't know your whole sitch either but, you are married until you are divorced, which means you will not want to relax your boundaries until you are officially divorced.

Ditto, unwritten.

"I know I will, therefore I remove the temptation." (Or opportunity for there to be temptation, IE, not having an opposite-sex secretary, etc. All falls under EPs.)

Currently in active divorce, which in theory is finalised. I'm just waiting for the final judgment to show up in the mail. It won't be effective until 11/20 due to the laws in our state.

I feel plan A, followed by Exposure, followed by more plan A is the way to go right now, divorce or no divorce. I don't feel like I can effectively implement POJA, but I can choose to meet some of WW's ENs, I can choose to avoid letting my ENs get met elsewhere, and I can choose to completely stop any lovebusting behaviour.

This divorce happened so quickly. WW told me she wanted one; we negotiated an agreement within two weeks, and had it filed at the courthouse with all final paperwork completed two weeks and a day later.

There was a paperwork snafu, but that was quickly refiled. The only limiting factor is that our state puts a minimum time frame and the soonest final date we could get with our date of filing was 11/20 (about five months from filing, six months from when WW asked).

Thank you unwritten and karmasrose--it sounds to me like a class with a cohort where we're expected to spend a lot of time working with each other is not what I need right now. I would like to structure my life in whatever ways necessary to avoid ever having an affair.

Is there a list of do's and don'ts for ENs in an active divorce situation?

Not to my knowledge. Most around here actually advise a Plan B after divorce, for your mental health.

Q - did you know you can get a sim card reader that will recover deleted texts? check them out - there's even a youtube video on how. i checked out the second one on the list myself (brickhousesecurity).

yes, your audio confession is more than enough. but i would still keep the other stuff in a safe place.

Won't be compatible with her phone, unfortunately (doesn't use a SIM).

There are probably plenty of recoverable texts in recent months, but I won't be able to get my mitts on ones from before she filed for D/told me she wanted a D.

Everything is being squirreled away safely.

Okay. Is Plan B advisable even with a four-week timeframe between "I want to leave you/get a divorce" and all final paperwork being filed?

At this point, I feel like I have nothing to lose.

oh, ok. bummer.

i'm a little confused at where you are in the process? let me see if i've got it right: your WW had an a, has filed for divorce, but the a is dead and a reconciliation is on the cards. you are hoping to rekindle the M and perhaps remarry later. is that about right?

month 0, week 1: 2/3/12: WW starts emotional affair
month 3, week 9: 4/2/12: WW moves out of apartment under guise of taking care of mother who just had surgery
month 3, week 10: 4/10/12: WW tells me she wants a divorce. Agreement negotiated.
month 4: 5/1/12: WW files divorce. I file response. It's final.
month 4: 5/2/12: Get a spiritual/supernatural revelation WW is having an affair. Assume I've lost my mind.
month 4: 5/2/12: A becomes physical to the point of kissing. As far as I know, no more.
month 5: 5/29/12: WW refiles due to minor error (didn't tick a box, typo in settlement agreement). Now it really is final.
month 5: 6/9/12: I decide to take a huge risk, confront WW about the affair, she confesses, yes, it's true. (I assumed it was all in my head.)
month 6: decide to give her plenty of space. Spend time working on myself, working out grief issues from failed foster-adoption, etc.
end of month 6: We have a shared business trip to deal with splitting the business up. Business aspects all go smoothly and are completed. She reveals even more details to me. WW deals with seeing old mutual friends of ours who universally tell her to stop what she's doing.

I'm in a unique situation here because the divorce was filed within 22 days of being asked, and I found out about & confirmed the affair through odd circumstances a month after the divorce was finalised.

Post-confrontation, our relationship has been different than it's ever been, mostly because there's a sudden atmosphere of honesty between us. I also started engaging in a radical change of behaviour, both because I decided I needed to learn how to live without WW, and because I wanted to stop lovebusting behavours to WW.

Affair is still ongoing. These needs are mutually met:
- affection (holding hands, affectionate but not passionate kissing, hugs, etc.)
- recreational companionship (play music together and go to concerts together)
- conversation
- admiration

WW is probably meeting physical attractiveness for OM. I find OM to be a less-attractive version of myself, but PA is not a big need for WW, as far as I know.

Exposure is probably going to blow this thing apart after further details I've learned (e.g. one of WW and OM's best mutual friends who got them into the music scene had a cheating ex and is since remarried; OM lives with parents, and is having conflicts with his mother; OM goes to a fairly conservative church; WW has misled OM and OM/WW's mutual friends into believing the marriage is dead and I don't want to work on it.)

I'm starting to get the feeling I should be transitioning to the D/D forum, not the SAA forum?

I still need to transcribe and process the conversation I recorded today and analyse further, in a more sensible post. Please advise if I should stay here or transition to D/D. I'm in a weird limbo.

Stay here.

Q, I having a difficult time understanding something. What in the world makes you think this isn't a full blown PA? Your WW's word? If they have time for kissing and hand holding, then they certainly have time to do what MOST adults do under these circumstances.

This isn't middle or high school we're talking about here.

In other words, OMs don't stick around for 4 months if they aren't getting what they were after in the first place in a reasonable amount of time. Well, usually.

See what I mean?

I have no idea if it's a full blown PA. It might be. It doesn't matter to me. EA or PA, it's an affair.

I do have the history of having past affairs which were strictly emotional, and I've lived with her long enough to know that physical attractiveness and sexual fulfilment are low on her list of emotional needs.

The topology of OM's relationship with my WW is that it started out for a few months with him getting emotional needs met. I'm sure sexual fulfilment is on his mind. In any case, I don't know, I can't confirm, and it doesn't really change anything.

How much info do you have on this OM2? This is important. My apologies if you have already posted this. I wouldn't worry too much about OM1 right now. You can deal with that later if necessary.

For clarification your divorce is not final until the Judge signs it.

You need to get your exposure letter done this weekend. Can you do that?

Also the OM pastor will need to be on your exposure list.