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My mother called after my sister told me what had happened. My sister had no reason to lie to me. My mother was shocked that I still didn't want to leave him. I cried and told her that I genuinely believe my H doesn't realize that he has done anything wrong and that I can't bear the devastation it will cause him if I am just not home one day. She said that my H has emotionally abused me for 8 years and I now sound like a battered woman. She said she doesn't know how to help me and she is afraid for me and my future son. My sisters are all texting me and telling me to leave.

Why do I still not feel like that is the right thing to do? My parents think exposing him will push him to the edge and he may finally break and while he has never hurt me physically, they seem to think everyone has their breaking point. I told everyone I wasn't making any rash decisions tonight. That I needed to think.

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Originally Posted by EpicFailure
.......

I took it as I should for what I have done to him. He said he didn't want to talk about anything until he knew the child was his. Okay, I understand that as well. So I went to my side of my house and shut the door and laid there typing this. Then he came in and opened the safe and pulled out a gun and handed it to me. I asked what it was for he said that he has just bought it today and told me all about it, it was as if things were normal.
.....

You are in an unstable and unsafe environment young lady, and you need to remove yourself, safely. The above is not normal. If you have access to the safe, you should take all firearms with you when you leave; some may be loaded, and you should understand that too.

If your husband is on medication, do you know if he is taking it regularly?

Is your husband currently in counseling or other treatment as a reserve? If so, please contact them if you can and explain this to them.

I would strongly suggest you remove yourself from this situation at the present time. It is not safe.





H (me) = never wayward; age = 51; occup = attorney
W = never wayward; age = 49; occup = law office admin
Faith = Lutheran
S = age 20
S = age 19
D = age 17
Married 1990, first for both
Prior User Name "dec810" Marriage Builders 2001
"Evil will flourish, when good people do nothing"






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Originally Posted by EpicFailure
My father thinks I should put in my two weeks tomorrow and leave regardless of whether or not it is my husbands child. He thinks that once the child is born he will file for divorce and custody and I will lose my son.

I am afraid to just up and leave because I honestly don't know what my husbands intentions are. I don't have the money for a custody battle in this state.

Any advice?

I agree with your father. This is hopeless unless your husband addresses his drinking problem and takes accountability for his own adultery. Nor should you agree to give him the ammunition to sue you for divorce on grounds of adultery. He will use that testimony to take away your child. Do you want that?

I would pack up and go home to your parents. Send your husband a letter telling him you would consider reconciliation if he stops drinking for life and stops committing adultery. That would be a starting place. Otherwise, you are better off without him.

But, leave now before he tries to hold you there legally.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by EpicFailure
My mother called after my sister told me what had happened. My sister had no reason to lie to me. My mother was shocked that I still didn't want to leave him. I cried and told her that I genuinely believe my H doesn't realize that he has done anything wrong and that I can't bear the devastation it will cause him if I am just not home one day. She said that my H has emotionally abused me for 8 years and I now sound like a battered woman. She said she doesn't know how to help me and she is afraid for me and my future son. My sisters are all texting me and telling me to leave.

Why do I still not feel like that is the right thing to do? My parents think exposing him will push him to the edge and he may finally break and while he has never hurt me physically, they seem to think everyone has their breaking point. I told everyone I wasn't making any rash decisions tonight. That I needed to think.
Epic, your WH's advances to your poor sister deserve to be addressed. He is evidently an adulterer looking for any avenue, regardless of the pain he might inflict. He inflicted plenty on your sister.

In this case, I would suggest that you request a polygraph and get the truth of what he has been up to. I suspect that it is more than you know.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 09/09/12 06:51 PM.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by EpicFailure
My father thinks I should put in my two weeks tomorrow and leave regardless of whether or not it is my husbands child. He thinks that once the child is born he will file for divorce and custody and I will lose my son.

I am afraid to just up and leave because I honestly don't know what my husbands intentions are. I don't have the money for a custody battle in this state.

Any advice?

I agree with your father. This is hopeless unless your husband addresses his drinking problem and takes accountability for his own adultery. Nor should you agree to give him the ammunition to sue you for divorce on grounds of adultery. He will use that testimony to take away your child. Do you want that?

I would pack up and go home to your parents. Send your husband a letter telling him you would consider reconciliation if he stops drinking for life and stops committing adultery. That would be a starting place. Otherwise, you are better off without him.

But, leave now before he tries to hold you there legally.


X2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by EpicFailure
My father thinks I should put in my two weeks tomorrow and leave regardless of whether or not it is my husbands child. He thinks that once the child is born he will file for divorce and custody and I will lose my son.

I am afraid to just up and leave because I honestly don't know what my husbands intentions are. I don't have the money for a custody battle in this state.

Any advice?

I agree with your father. This is hopeless unless your husband addresses his drinking problem and takes accountability for his own adultery. Nor should you agree to give him the ammunition to sue you for divorce on grounds of adultery. He will use that testimony to take away your child. Do you want that?

I would pack up and go home to your parents. Send your husband a letter telling him you would consider reconciliation if he stops drinking for life and stops committing adultery. That would be a starting place. Otherwise, you are better off without him.

But, leave now before he tries to hold you there legally.


X2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Can he keep me in the state legally if the child hasn't been born yet and he is determined to be the father via the paternity test?

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He isn't on medication and is supposed to see a counselor Monday for the first time.

I don't know the combo of the safe.

I know none of this in any way negates what i did to him.

He told me on dday that we would go to counseling together of it was his child. He told me today that he isn't the one with the problems that need to be fixed. I am the one that needs help not him. I haven't confronted him about my sister yet.

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Originally Posted by EpicFailure
Can he keep me in the state legally if the child hasn't been born yet and he is determined to be the father via the paternity test?

All State jurisdictions are different; with the child not being born yet, I don't know. If you move out of state first, then a different state law will probably apply. Again, I'm not sure.


H (me) = never wayward; age = 51; occup = attorney
W = never wayward; age = 49; occup = law office admin
Faith = Lutheran
S = age 20
S = age 19
D = age 17
Married 1990, first for both
Prior User Name "dec810" Marriage Builders 2001
"Evil will flourish, when good people do nothing"






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EF, did you read our posts about packing up and going to your fathers?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by EpicFailure
He isn't on medication and is supposed to see a counselor Monday for the first time.

I don't know the combo of the safe.

Again, I believe you may be in an unsafe environment, and should remove yourself.


H (me) = never wayward; age = 51; occup = attorney
W = never wayward; age = 49; occup = law office admin
Faith = Lutheran
S = age 20
S = age 19
D = age 17
Married 1990, first for both
Prior User Name "dec810" Marriage Builders 2001
"Evil will flourish, when good people do nothing"






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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
EF, did you read our posts about packing up and going to your fathers?
EF?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, I read everything. I didn't think I should make any rash decisions. My family lives in California and I live in Virginia.

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Sorry it took so long to respond, we were talking (sober) and it left me hopeful, but I'm still not sure. All the guns are locked up none that are in the safe are loaded. I had him unload them all while I watched.

Last edited by EpicFailure; 09/09/12 08:57 PM.
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Originally Posted by EpicFailure
Yes, I read everything. I didn't think I should make any rash decisions. My family lives in California and I live in Virginia.

That is not a "rash decision." It is a sound decision. Your own father has given you some good reasons and so have other posters here.

I strongly advise you to take the advice of those around you who possess good judgment. Even you admit that you have very poor judgement.

Calling it a "rash decision" is an excuse to make more poor decisions, EF. It is a GOOD, SOUND decision to pack up and go live with your dad. You need to listen to those around you!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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EF, your ability to make sound decisions is about nil, because a) you have very poor judgment and b) you are too emotional to be objective.

I suspect you are in the habit of using your emotions and have never developed your powers of reason. This is why your life is in such a mess. Your emotions have no intelligence and will always lead you wrong.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by EpicFailure
Yes, I read everything. I didn't think I should make any rash decisions. My family lives in California and I live in Virginia.

That is not a "rash decision." It is a sound decision. Your own father has given you some good reasons and so have other posters here.

I strongly advise you to take the advice of those around you who possess good judgment. Even you admit that you have very poor judgement.

Calling it a "rash decision" is an excuse to make more poor decisions, EF. It is a GOOD, SOUND decision to pack up and go live with your dad. You need to listen to those around you!


And her mother AND her sisters.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You are very lucky to have so many people around you who want to help you.

I mean your family, and the posters here.

Rule #1 is for safety. For yor sons sake. Some distance might be a good thing... You really need to see a commitment to stop drinking and following medication before you can begin to rebuild your marriage. This is a safety issue... I see why your mom is so upset.


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You are in a very unhealthy codependent relationship.

Nothing will improve in your life until you seek treatment for your own alcoholism and codependency. You do that through AA and AlAnon.

You also need to leave, as others have warned you for your own safety.
Unless you like being treated like crap and want a child raised around a drunk shouting insults to the two of you

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EF-

You have received some wonderful advice here. I however am going to go at this at a little different angle. This is in no means trying to contradict the advice you have been given as this is solely your choice what to do on every front. Stay or go, AA or not etc.

Taking a big step back, I see two terribly tormented people whom under the right circumstances would like to continue their lives together. Many bad mistakes on both sides.

From the sound of things, your H�s perspective is going to be greatly influenced by the paternity test. I can certainly understand this. Also, I can relate to a certain degree about PTSD from the war. Post Dday of my W�s A, I experienced many of the same symptoms of those with PTSD. It creates an environment in which all range of emotions are felt nearly every hour of every day. I understand how unstable this makes someone, most likely you�re H.

Not making excuses for your H's drinking - totally his choice. What I am saying that he is obviously highly unstable right now. He is dealing with his own demons beyond the A's. And also taking on other people�s problems if he is getting calls from friends contemplating Suicide.

All this adds up to massive amounts of instability. He isn�t thinking clearly.

Possibly all of this has motivated him to drink. Doesn't make it right at all. However, understanding what is behind the curtain of his drinking could help you better make your decisions for yourself.

If you read what Dr. Harley writes about jump starting R, he suggests the couple go away on a long trip to reconnect. If the results come back that indeed the child is his, what do you think about a long vacation together?

It might serve several purposes. First, I honestly think he is going to be elated that the child is his and I am going to make a prediction he might just want to be close to you. Second, getting away maybe this would be the opportunity to spend QUALITY time one-on-one with him and he may not feel compelled to drink giving him a platform to think about quitting drinking or at least getting away from it for a while.

On the other hand, if they child isn�t his, it sounds like he is limiting the possibilities with you.

The point I want to emphasize is that UA time is absolutely the most critical aspect of the MB plan. You have been advised on many great things here.

Something in me just thinks that if the child is his and you are able to JUST GET AWAY for a while and re-connect again things might take a change for the better and start to fall in love again.

I am not saying I don�t recognize you have many issues to solve. Not in the least. I do understand how UA time can turn the tide. MB has opened your eyes to the extent of your problems and a roadmap to try to correct them.

You have many difficult decisions to make. However it goes I wish you the best.

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