Just what is this agreement and why do her parents have a say-so about it? I missed this the first time around.

Did you finish facebook exposure on OM?

I would install keyloggers now why she's home.

Did she write the NC letter?

I made it abundantly clear I am out of the picture for good if the affair didn't stop.

She has about $9,000 of debt (plus we have $3,000 of joint debt). Our divorce settlement would make me responsible for around $1,600 of that, and the rest I am not responsible for.

I am guessing the price tag of her affair was $7,400? To be honest, I felt her love for OM was a little dearer than that!

She had the option to live with her parents once she ended the affair, although I said I don't see why I need to help her with anything if she's living with them, as they're more than capable of helping her with any of her needs.

I expected her to continue to live with her parents. The main priority for me is killing the affair. I was not planning for her to have any desire to move back into our apartment.

Working on that right now.

That can be accomplished during this week.


No. My plan is to write it with her at 7 AM tomorrow morning and send it out.

I currently have not detected any attitude of repentance or truly wanting to stop from her.

I hope it's normal that I feel twinges of guilt for what happened today--I am not a controlling/manipulative person. One of my friends pointed out to me this evening, though, that I'm controlling the right things. I have to accept that this stuff is okay.

I'll be posting my letters which I will post out on Facebook shortly.

NO.
Do NOT let her return to the apartment if she is unwilling to meet your marital recovery conditions.

Otherwise she will be operating an affair from your apartment.

Listen you need to drive the marital recovery bus here or she will be in control.
Her parents don't know what to do so dont let them try to take control either

You have an active divorce petition in the court system.
She needs to agree to your conditions or be gone

You need to speak to her tomorrow when she does this NC letter.
If she is willing to permanently end her affair and commit to MB marriage then she can stay.
If not she goes and you enter immediate plan B.

Just remember you are in plan A right now. No disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts


Oh and for safety make sure you have an audio recorder hidden on you at all times

Letter for his parents, via Facebook:

Dear family of OM:

It grieves me to write this letter, but I believe OM's family should know the kind of person he really is. Bradd had an affair with my wife, WW, from February 2012 until September. She asked me for a divorce in April. My wife and I have been married 7 years, and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

Please feel free to call me at AAA-BBB-CCCC.

Thank you,
BH

Letter for his friends/family via FB:

Dear friend/family of OM:

It grieves me to write this letter, but I believe all of OM's friends should know the kind of person he really is. Bradd had an affair with my wife, WW, from February 2012 until September. She asked me for a divorce in April. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have been married 7 years, and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at AAA-BBB-CCCC.

Thank you,
BH

Letter for OM's workplace - this is not a workplace affair, but frequent electronic communication took place during work hours:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

OM, one of your interns, has been involved in an extramarital affair with WW, which has taken place during work hours, starting in February 2012. This may present an inappropriate use of company resources and assets. OM is using company time to further the affair. If you check the call histories on his office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to send e-mail, text messages, and other electronic communication to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at AAA-BBB-CCCC. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,
BH

Letter for WW's friends/family:

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of WW and I. As some of you know, WW has recently asked me for a divorce, in April, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with OM since March. The purpose of the separation and divorce was so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.

I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end for good.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with WW to persuade her to end her affair for good and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,
BH

I need some help with the Facebook message to family/friends. The draft letter on Exposure 101 implies WW hasn't done anything to end the affair, but that happened about 7 - 8 hours ago before I could get all these messages out.

OK. I will paste my proposed NC letter in a moment.

Yep! Really helps, actually.

I should have recorded more of the babble today, will start immediately.

NC letter to print and registered mail tomorrow + send e-mail/Facebook message:

OM,

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that my husband, BH, did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BH for the pain I caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my husband and I would not want to do anything to risk his happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,
WW

I have no idea why WW filled out the emotional needs questionnaire, but here are the results. Of course, she circled "d" (I am happy not having my spouse meet this need) and scribbled "I don't want BH to do this" in the comments section. But that's to be expected after fresh, unexpected exposure and cutting off of affair, probably.

It looks like my best avenues are Conversation and Domestic Support. I am guessing WW will start desiring Affection and R.C. within a week or two.

Affection: 5 - do not want
Sexual fulfilment: 1 - do not want
Conversation: 6 - would like to have some of this
Recreational Companionship: 4 - do not want
Honesty & Openness: 4 - Being honest means I get hurt
Attractive Spouse: 2 (clothes + hairstyle + hygiene)
Financial Support: 6 (currently - change to 2 when I get a job)
Domestic Support: 3 - please dust apartment & keep it clean
Admiration: 4

Ranking:

#1: Conversation / Financial Support
#2: Affection
#3: Admiration
#4: Recreational Companionship
#5: Honesty & Openness

As for remorse, it is Possible that she wil never show remorse.
Immediately following separation from the affair partner (true no contact) the wayward spouse becomes depressed.

My Ex wife was so depressed during one fake recovery that she layed on the couch for days.

I really fully expect this to be a false recovery.

She certainly is trying to act depressed.

I recently wrecked my car, and it's going to be a while until it's fixed. Legally and per our settlement, we share our vehicles until the end of the year. That leaves us with just "her" car right now. (I paid for both of them, fix both of them, we just allocated one vehicle to me and the other to her when the divorce is final.)

Is it reasonable to leave her without a car? Her sister and her mother seem capable of driving her around if she needs to get to a job interview.

You're in Plan A. Help her with the car.

Letters look good. Watch your snooping. You are a fast learner and you will see the flags.

Keep it up.

Help her with the car but don't leave her alone to drive to OM.

In my false recovery my wife "needed time to herself" (aka sex with OM)

In a true recovery DR Harley recommends a out of town vacation.
Can you do this?

An out of town vacation would be quite possible. I'm self employed and my main client has me there 4 days a week, so I can swing a Friday or a Monday and make a long weekend out of it.

Last I spoke to her, my WW doesn't consider us married and the only reason she is doing this is because she doesn't want to erase all hope that I'll help her financially in the future. I may need to give her some time.

Aiming for all of the OM's friends whose pictures have kids/husbands/wives etc. I'm just plain too tired to send out 500 messages tonight. Probably will get 100 done.

... and one of WW and OM's mutual friends responded on Facebook to WW's FB account. Lovely:

"Hey OM/WW:

I'm sure you've already had a bunch of inboxes about this...but just in case, I wanted to make sure that you knew. I received this from BH within the past hour or so, and have not responded. I kind of wanted to know what you would want me to say, if anything at all...whatever would make the situation easier. Just let me know. I hope that his reaching out to people on Facebook doesn't cause any issues for the two of you. Let me know how to proceed, if at all...and that is the route I will take. Anyway, let me know. I hope all is well, aside from this crap.

Rob"

Haha "hope it doesn't cause any issues for the two of you"

WW alerady agreed to let me monitor her Facebook. I'm in Plan A. Do I even say anything? Is she supposed to respond a certain way? Keep in mind I am not interested in being controlling/telling her what to do. I am interested in her developing her own healthy habits of behaviour.

I should add that she's always had access to the apartment and I never really "threw her out"--she threw herself out the week she asked for the divorce; couch-surfed with friends for 4 - 5 weeks, then moved in with her parents. She's on the lease and I didn't change the locks (no reason to).

I'm just shocked she's decided to stay here. I'm trying to use it strategically to my best advantage (knowledge of her nighttime activities; access to computer; more opportunities to meet her emotional needs, etc.)

Questions on No Contact from the help for newly betrayed spouses thread.


(1) Can be done. OK to make the old e-mail address forward to me? She doesn't want to miss important non-affair-related e-mail.
(2) Ditto, self-employed, so old e-mail address can forward to me
(3) Can be done.
(4) Already done
(5) I have access to Facebook and don't want to demand it stop yet, as it's been useful for exposure. However I like the idea of a joint Facebook.
(6) No home phone to worry about.

How strict should I be about demanding the above?

What is your motivation here? Do you want to stay married? It seems to me she just wants help paying down her debt and getting financial support until she leaves you.

That would not be my cup o tea...