I never agreed to pay down any debt or give any financial support. I just said I'm 100% out of the picture unless these changes happen.

I'm not really sure what she's hoping for. I do have a desire to cooperate on financial matters when it's to our mutual benefit. But that is all.

I decided to expose because it seemed like the right thing to do for her. At least now she has a shot at actually figuring out her own life, instead of just drifting from a marriage straight into an affair.

Well, FB finally politely asked me to slow down with sending messages, so this BH is turning in for the night.

Friends and family are already sending messages to WW. I can read them and know what's going on. I guess I'll find out who in our friends and family are the supporters of marriage and who isn't. In accordance with Plan A, I'm not going to tell her to respond a certain way, unless you guys think I should.

If your only intention of doing this is to make her a better person then I would encourage you to stop now.
If you honestly have NO intention Of saving your marriage then you should jut walk away after exposure.

If you want to have a loving romantic marriage where both of your needs are met then you need to get the NC letter and her agreement to MB recovery, as outlined in SAA book.

Also I encourage you to take a 2 week vacation if at all possible.

NC letter e-mailed and sent via registered mail, with signature, this morning. Normal fogbabble comments made, but I'm learning those comments just come out of hurt & anger, and to ignore them.

I want to have a loving, romantic marriage. I want to have such a marriage with my first and only wife. I am trying to be realistic about the stage the divorce is at.

How long is too long for her to agree to MB recovery? Currently she is making statements out of hurt/pain/depression/anger:

"Since you forced me to sign this no-contact letter, we will never be friends."
"I don't want to be your wife, and because of what you did to me I never will."
"I don't agree with anything in this letter. I'm just signing it and sending it because you are my meal ticket."

The only change she made to the NC letter was to replace "my husband" with my first name. I decided this was an acceptable compromise.

She has agreed to a lot, but not everything. Here is progress so far:

AGREED: 1. End all contact with OM2, OM1, and any other affair partners, emotional or otherwise, for life.

AGREED: 2. No more nights apart or going out with each other. Instead, create a healthy integrated lifestyle.

AGREED: 3. Complete transparency: share cell phones, texts, passwords, Facebook, etc.

AGREED: 4. No more opposite sex friendships.

AGREED: 5. Complete honesty about your affairs, emotional or otherwise (pass a polygraph)

NOT YET AGREED: 6. Commit to a program like Marriage Builders for recovery as outlined in Dr. Hurley's book, "Surviving an Affair". If you would like a copy, I can get you one.

I have only asked for #6 in my original e-mail to her where I explained what it will take to keep me in this marriage.

Her family (and my mother in law) are irate about the exposure that happened last night.

I do not feel asking her to be isolated from her family right now is the right call, and it feels like a selfish demand. Thoughts?

Kick her out.
She said she is signing it because you are her meal ticket?
She is not on board. I think her parents kicked her [censored] out and that's why she came back.

The same thing happened to me. My wife refused to sign the SAA letter, and was full of resentment. It was a false recovery because OM had kicked her out (dumped her). They quickly got back together (he liked screwing her , just not living with her). They quickly resumed their relationship and today are living together.

The mistake I made was in taking her back in the first place without her meeting all of the conditions for recovery. And it's all in or nothing. If she is unwilling to agree to a MB recovery then there is nothing to work on because it take two.

I'm curious to see what melodylane thinks but I think you need to hold the line and insist on all or nothing, or she leaves. In a loving but firm manner.

Example (what I actually told my ex wife). "I am willing to work with you to create a loving and healthy marriage where both of our needs are met and we must follow the recovery program in the surviving an affair book in order to do so "

They often are. Families often have unhealthy things called "family secrets" where its the family vs the world and nobody can know the secrets.
Oftentimes families will hide pedophiles, drug addicts, alcoholics etc against outsiders looking in.
I see this often in AlAnon where an alcoholic will literally bankrupt and destroy a family and the spouse will make excuses and try to cover it up to appear "normal".

If someone tells a lie, that is a reason to be angry. If its the truth then what can they complain about?

People try to control situations.
Your MIL probably thinks thy since she made her daughter move back in with you then there is no need for exposure.

If she asks I would just say (as I told my inlaws) "I am following a marriage recovery program developed by experts" and leave it at that. Don't try to sell them on it or discuss it further.

WW just e-mailed me: "I have decided to delete my Facebook account. I think this is the best way for me to "keep clean" and save what little dignity I have left. I won't delete it until I get a response from you." Thoughts?

FB was not an affair tool, but the activity on FB is probably very painful for WW to watch. E.g. photos of her w/ OM from last week being tagged by the person who photographed them.

So let her

Ok. They have been in favour of the divorce since WW asked for it (long before the affair was known). They think I'm the cause of her misery because of financial setbacks, working long hours, staying out with my buddies late at night, and making a lot of selfish demands.

I don't really believe a word she says right now. She's also said she wants to kill herself, that her life is over, that ending the affair is the right choice, but she's too weak of a person to make the right choice, etc.

I would prefer to evaluate her behaviour, not her words.

No, they didn't. They just put a requirement that she end the affair and that she actively look for a job. I have the same requirements, plus a lot more.

I'm surprised she's making any attempt right now to make this work at all.


I'm curious as well.

Thanks RQ.

Wow, this whole thread is one giant **edit** from the original poster to some of the replies. It's really hard to follow what is going on.

If I get this right, then the divorce has been filed and is just waiting for the court to approve it. Your WW has given you not one shred of hope that she will change her mind, and she's not going to. Neither of you have made any move to halt the divorce process, in fact you've made it very clear that all steps have been expedited.

So, you are not in any "plan A" or "plan B", you are in plan D. In plan D your goals need to have shifted dramatically. You are no longer interested in saving the marriage or preserving any love you have left for you spouse, you are well past that.

Now the goal is to get through the divorce process with share of custody that you want with any children, and keeping as much money in your current and future pockets as possible. Take emotions out of it, divorce should be thought of as a business deal. With that goal in mind, you don't need to be doing anything that does not further these goals.

If you that close to divorce, then why is she moving back in? Why would either of you find it necessary for her to agree to your conditions? Why the no contact letter? Why even break up the affair? A foggy spouse is much more likely to agree to a favorable settlement.

Marriage Builders concepts and steps are for saving marriages. You need another plan to facilitate a divorce.

Thanks for your frankness, schtoop.

We don't have any children.

Our settlement got negotiated, executed, notarised, and then filed within 4 weeks of her announcing she wanted to file.

I have not given up on the marriage. After snooping on her FB last night, I learned that neither had she, or at least that's what she told one of her friends. She felt like asking me for a divorce was the best way to make me know this is serious enough to have any hope of ever reconciling. With the same friend, she was in a state of denial about admitting the timing of the affair.

I know for a fact that, prior to the divorce, I was not meeting her ENs, that I was engaging in selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, and annoying behaviour, and independent behaviour. I believe that made her more vulnerable to getting her ENs met elsewhere, and I believe a combination of my behaviour and the affair led to her choosing divorce.

Of course after writing the NC letter this morning she informed me because of that, any possibility of a relationship, let alone reconciliation, between us is over. But I'm interpreting that as fogbabble.

I don't really know how to navigate a situation where a divorce is finalised within 4 weeks (there wasn't really much I could do to delay it--I could have added on 30 days, but there wasn't anything to contest.) I acted out of a bit of fear to get it filed whilst she was completely willing to agree to a fair settlement. I have wanted to save the marriage since the day she asked for a divorce, but I know ultimately if she wants a divorce no matter what, she can leave and I can't stop her.

2 days after exposure.

WW is still extremely depressed (barely eaten, a lot of sleep, etc.). I understand this is normal.

She's agreed to MB (finally got books today; I knew nothing about MB until a week ago today), but she also says "I don't like", "don't love you", etc.

Her cousin offered to let her move and give her a job as a nanny in exchange for money/room/boards. Likewise her sister offered to let her move in (in another state). Her parents' door is also open, as long as the affair is not ongoing. Those are their terms.

Doing my best to meet her top ENs in any way I can & not do LBs (cutting out annoying behaviours is probably the hardest for me. E.g. being a lousy driver. So I'm focusing on that the most.)

She's spending most of her time with her mom and her sister/baby nephews. Evenings around me in our apt.

What are some ways to meet affection (a top EN) without touching? We are doing OK with conversation (a top EN for both of us & she is ok with receiving it from me).

Love notes, phone calls, flowers, just general gestures to show you care.

Are you confirming that she is where she says she is (mom's, etc)?

Q, try to spend as much time with her as you can. Relatives offering her a soft landing by allowing her to go live with them will not help recovery. Can you explain this to them?

Vacation.
Dr Harley recommends a vacation following an afair

But here is the question.
You say she has agreed to MB recovery. Is this correct?

Ok. I have been doing this (similar to a "Love Dare") since the day she said she wanted out of the marriage. I am stepping up my game a notch. It's also a lot easier to do these things when I know where she is.

So far, yes, and no transgressions observed. She hasn't been anywhere except our apartment and her parents' house since Sunday night. Her sister has been over to see her every day. I consider her sister & husband an ally.

I rearranged my work schedule so I can consistently be home by 6 PM, and e-mail/text her with all my planned whereabouts, and have cancelled any after-work plans that wouldn't include her.

The one cousin really dislikes me and wants to offer her a way to go live with her & husband/kids and give her a job & continue the affair. WW has elected not to move in with her.

Her sister has offered to let her move to Hawai'i and help her find a job there. WW has elected not to do that either. That sister won't listen to me.

Her parents don't really like me right now and think she should get divorced from me because I've "always been controlling and you ruined the happy girl that married you". They will let her live with them as long as there is no affair. WW has elected not to live with them.

Working on this. We have enough frequent flyer miles to go pretty much anywhere in the world, thanks to my independent behaviour for the last two years. I would like to come to an enthusiastic agreement with her on where we go and what we can afford.

Recommendations on types of vacation? Cruise, hotel in another country, ... ?

Yes, agreed to MB recovery. Although she isn't too familiar with MB yet. I did just get the books. She hasn't done much reading at all. Her grief counsellor assigned a book for her to read and she couldn't get past the first page; she asked me to read it to her, which I did.

She still says she doesn't want to be my wife and doesn't feel like she can ever love me again.

I am planning to watch the videos on the MB site with her tonight. I would like to get the MB coaching started as soon as possible, but I feel I should at least get part-way through the books first. Thoughts?