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SeanE Offline OP
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Been married 19 plus years...2 kids...son soon to be 12 and daughter soon to be 15.

Wife has had anxiety issues for years (seen a therapist for over 10 years).

She had what she said was an emotional affair with a roofer who worked on our house. Started with cell calls and texting. When I found out...exposed it and we started counseling. During counseling it got worse. Tracked her via phone gps. She met him at least twice. Second time, after she knew that I knew about the first, she was at a hotel. I got there within an hour of her arrival...so not sure what happened that day. I made the mistake of telling her I was there and did not have a PI wait and take photos..etc.

She still maintains it was only emotional...no physical contact...of course I didn't/don't believe her. She lied about the phone calls until I proved it. Lied about seeing him again and then the hotel incident. Lied that he was there and they had a room until a PI proved it.

Hotel event was June 1...other time I know of was May 24th...cell and texting was March/April.

EDIT: On June 1, said all the right things to keep me in the home -- i'll do anything to fix this...we can work this out...i love you...i realized today i don't want to be with him...etc...then failed to live up to that.

We tried to work it out at home but she kept saying she felt too much pressure. I was in and out of the home and eventually left on July 30th. We are supposed to be separated but not dating or seeing other people. This is in PA where there is not legal separation.

She said she's still not sure if she wants to work it out...but says she thinks we will. Doesn't feel the normal love feelings for me anymore...but can't imagine her life without me. Says she could not handle having me back in the home right now...she feels too much pressure when I am there.

Not tracking her now. Tracking ended in mid July...from June 2 thru then, I don't think she saw him. Seems like our marriage counseling is not doing anything to bring us together. I can read her email (she did give me that) and I know she is not using her cell phone (can see that too)...but for hours a day she does whatever she wants and gets upset if I ask too many questions (usually more than 1). She lost an earlier cell phone...so that phone could still be used with a different number but her affair partner would have to be paying for it.

I know she has resentment issues...because of previous issues she had with my mother. Seems like she has those now with me. Says she thinks she can't get past the way she felt that led to the EA.

She's not the person I used to know right now. We are in our mid 40's and I sense she is having a midlife crisis as part of this mess we are going through.

I am starting to think she is seeing him again and the feelings are being used to justify the continuation of the affair.

Thoughts?

Forgot to add this...any pressure by me...I I take the hard line on almost anything...results in her throwing me under the bus in counseling. Uses words like 'always' and 'never' when describing my actions. She really sees just about any pressure from me as too much.

I honestly don't think she would respond unless she had divorce papers in her hands.

Last edited by SeanE; 09/10/12 02:52 PM.

Sean
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Originally Posted By: SeanE

I am starting to think she is seeing him again and the feelings are being used to justify the continuation of the affair.


I don't think she ever stopped seeing him to begin with.

I would think you will get quite a bit of advice to move back home. If your WW 'feels too much pressure' when you're around, then she's perfectly capable of leaving to relieve the pressure.
You vacating your home has done nothing but allow her to conduct her A in comfort.

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I don't post much here anymore, but just happened to be on-line today.

I would say most likely she is still involved with him. Probably planning on keeping both you and the OM around and until she decides who she "likes" better. Most likely a decision that will never be made by her. Read about "cake eaters".

What is it you are trying to accomplish? If it is to keep the marriage together, than you should not have moved out and should not have stopped tracking her. Also, who did you expose to? Have you read up on things on this site? Did you do a plan A?


Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
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Are the kids living with her?

1. I'd move home. If she wants to continue the affair she can do it from somewhere else.

2. Resume/renew the tracking software that stopped in July.

3. With that evidence, expose the affair.


Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Welcome to MB .. Sorry you are here. I would stop going to the MC.. your wasting your money. MC's have an 84% failure rate and more often than not do nothing but facilitate a divorce or try and keep you paying 100$ a session to talk about your childhood .. neither will be helpful. THey also have the highest rate of divorce of any occupation. SO keep that in mind.

Your best bet is to dive into the MB program here ... start with all the free info .. and if you have a hard time working with the community to make your plan then use your money (instead of MCing) on the coaching center here after you familiarize yourself with how it all works. Get the books Surviving an affair and His Needs Her Needs and Love busters .. those 3 books do a great job of putting pretty much everything you can think of in regartds to marriage and relationships in general into perspetive with practical solutions that are far more detailed than the info on the site.

MNG

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SeanE Offline OP
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A little more info:
Kids are living at home with her...I am with my sister.

Tracking stopped because of google latitude problems - can't really afford to rent pi tracker...looking into options listed on this site.

Money problems in marriage...multiple times she had hidden credit cards with 4k or more balances.

I think the money situation is transparent now...we closed accounts and we only have 1 joint checking account.

She was exposed to her parents...she hates me for that too.

I honestly wanted to work it out...save the marriage...but now i am starting to think it's not a situation that I will ever be able to live in because her resentment issues are very big.

We went 13 years with no relationship with my family (mother, step father, sister and brother-in-law) because she and my mom didn't get along...I went along with this (I know...huge mistake...).

This is why I think it might not be the other guy...but I probably need to track her to be sure.








Last edited by SeanE; 09/10/12 05:51 PM.

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SEan, the problem is the other guy. I am sure she blames other things to keep you off balance, but the issue is the affair. Which is still going strong.

If you want to save your marriage, it is critical that you move home and expose the affair wide and far. Moving out was a huge strategic mistake that makes it harder to save this. So, go home NOW, without warning her.

When you get back in your home, prepare to do a very strategic exposure. That is your best hope.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, going to a counselor is probably going to destroy your marriage. Marriage counselors are very destructive to marriages and they are a disaster when there is an affair. Your wife is fogged out on the fumes of an affair and the MC doesn't understand her foggy mentality. As such, the MC will validate your wife's foggy thinking.

Has the OM been sleeping in your home yet? What do your kids say?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: SeanE

We tried to work it out at home but she kept saying she felt too much pressure. I was in and out of the home and eventually left on July 30th. We are supposed to be separated but not dating or seeing other people. This is in PA where there is not legal separation.



Many judges will nail your ass for abandoning your family. Abandoning your family will not look good if this makes it to court and will put you at a legal disadvantage. They will take your abandonment into acccount when it comes to settlement.

What is your excuse for leaving?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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If you read my thread ... you will find that in the last few pages i was using this forum to cope with my MIL's affair .. and how my wifes step dad of 20 years was a total putz and woldnt do the things he needed to do to win his wife over .. afraid and frozen in his tracks ... we wended up beingthe bad guy for him .. but the end result was still the same .. everything we said she was going to do if he didnt listen to us she did .. and his wife left him and is going to marry the OM now ... he wishes he listened to us ... he got kicked out of HIS marital home .. she changed the locks after their pastor told them to take a break from their mariage for a bit .. and she totally moved in the OM. just as I said ... he is kicking himself now .. and sees everything now that it is hind sight ... LISTEN TO THE ADVICE you get here .. these people know what hey are talking about. It will save you alot of heart ache later .. one way or the other.

MNG

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SeanE Offline OP
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I actually spoke to an attorney and in PA it doesn't matter if the divorce is no fault. As much as I might not like what she has done, I would do what's best for the kids...I would try to work it out through mediation.

I left because the marriage counselor suggested it and my wife said she wanted that too.


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Originally Posted By: SeanE
I actually spoke to an attorney and in PA it doesn't matter if the divorce is no fault. As much as I might not like what she has done, I would do what's best for the kids...I would try to work it out through mediation.


What would be your reasons for abandoning your children and your wife? Did the attorney tell you that this would affect your custody arrangement since you left?

Also, you can't very well save your marriage if you are not there. Why would you leave your children and wife when your marriage is in such a crisis?

Quote:
I left because the marriage counselor suggested it and my wife said she wanted that too.


What if the "counselor" told you to jump off the cliff? Would you do that too? That is a ridiculous excuse to abandon your family.

Obviously, all you did by leaving was FACILITATE THE AFFAIR AND MAKE IT HARDER TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

It is easier for her to replace you with this loser. And now she is free to take him around *YOUR* kids in *YOUR* home.

YOU did that, Sir.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And my MIL's pastor told them to take a short break and seperate for a while so they could get some space and find out what they wanted and have time to think .. and yup ... MIL wanted a divorce and made it so and even tho the pastor only suggested 2 weeks apart .. they have not been back together in many many months now, the pastor is no longer there as he took a symbatical.... they are officially Divorced now .. and MIL plans on marrying her AP and most likely getting a divorce again in a few years (my prediction based on MB) and cutting her assets in 1/2 again as the chances of it working ( an affairage) are slim to none ...

DOnt fall into that stat man ... if you want to work on it ... you need to go home. Cant work on something you dont have easy access too such as your wife. IF thats what you want. Then you need to follow the MB plan here .. and get to work.

1. GO HOME!

MNG

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Originally Posted By: SeanE
I actually spoke to an attorney and in PA it doesn't matter if the divorce is no fault. As much as I might not like what she has done, I would do what's best for the kids...I would try to work it out through mediation.

I left because the marriage counselor suggested it and my wife said she wanted that too.

When are you moving back home?
Men don't leave your homes

Is the OM married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You actuallu have two separate paths to choose from:

For the first, calmly, and simply, here's what you must do:

- Separate your finances from her access. Change your pay deposit to an account only you have access to. Cancel all cards that are jointly owned.

- Move back home. (Into YOUR bedroom, none of that sleeping on the couch crap.)

- Swear off [censored] marriage counselors, forever.

- Pull the tags off any vehicle she has control over that is titled in your name. Cancel the insurance thereon.

- Treat her with the degree of disregard that you and she have until now conspired to treat you with. (Was that subtle enough?)

This should take you about two days to accomplish. Keep us advised as to your progress.

For the second, stay where you are and whine.

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SeanE Offline OP
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I'm really not sure what I want to do at this point.

I guess what we had was a botched Plan A...it was too difficult to be mr nice guy...she just kept killing it with mean and ugly behavior that I could not effectively work into a plan A.

To be completely honest, if she is back with him after saying she would work this out the way we agreed...not seeing other people...then I'd rather not spend the rest of my life trying to keep her happy. I think her pre-existing issues with self esteem and anxiety will make it next to impossible for one person to make her happy for a prolonged period of time.

I guess spending some money on snooping will help determine if he's back in the picture and then I can decide what to do from there.

Given her long standing resentment issues reconciling for us, as a married couple, is going to be very lengthy. Right now I know I can get along with her well enough to raise the kids as divorced parents. If he entered the picture, post divorce, that would be a significant hurdle for me to overcome.


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Sean, one of the biggest problems is that you made it too easy for the OM. If you had stayed home and fought for your marriage, you would have had a chance to save this. As it is now, you can be replaced easily. Have your children been exposed to the OM?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, her "resentment issues" are likely contrivances manufactured to justify her affair. All wayward wives rewrite history to demonize their husbands. It is the rule, rather than the exception. But that "resentment" fades quickly when the affair is killed and the OM is run off.

What we do to marriages is run off the affair partner. Once the OP is out of the picture, the marriage can often be saved. And you decide not to do that, you will likely be dealing with the OM living in your home and taking your place. Are you prepared for that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sean.
Your marriage counselor is giving you terrible advice.
You need to move back home immediately.
TODAY.

You have full legal rights to be home. So go home today.

And never return to that marriage counselor again.

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Really Sean.
What sense does it make to move out of your house because your wife is screwing around?
She should move her cheating ass out.
You need to stand up for yourself and your kids.
What you have done is considered abandonment by the courts.

Do you want a roofer to be living in your house with your kids?
Who is this guy?

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