I really need to know what do I do when I think she may have been lying or I snoop and find stuff I don't like. Do I store the info, or confront her. Because her seeing that I don't trust her makes her feel like I'll never be able to trust her again.

You DO NOT confront her!!!!

She knows she's having an affair. Why give away the small asset you have of knowing of her affair WITHOUT her knowing you know?

Start putting together the ammunition package of evidence to prepare for a full nuclear exposure. You're going to be working under the following gameplan.

Oh, yes, mention NOTHING to WW about MB, either. Put a smile on your face, and act like the dumb BH she's hoping you'll be. Meanwhile take care of steps 1 - 8 below:

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Try these.
Whitepages.com is a fabulous resource
Trying to Figure out identity

But you shouldn't trust her. She is untrustworthy. So it would be silly to pretend like you trust an untrustworthy person. If she says "YOU DON'T TRUST ME!!!" Just tell her "no shytt, Sherlock!!"

And then tell her you will give her an opportunity to EARN your trust if does certain things.

Trust is EARNED, it is not an entitlement program for undeserving wayward wives.

Yes. Of course. The first person a wayward has to brainwash is themselves. Otherwise she couldn't maintain the fantasy. I'm not asking you to consider issues like child custody right now. I'm telling you to line these statements up and be ready to use them. That you WILL go for full custody. That this will NOT be a friendly divorce. That you will NOT remain friends in the event of a divorce. Be ready with these statements when she starts flapping her gums about divorce.

Her fantasy requires that you cooperate, and a big part of your 'cooperation' is to agree to a friendly divorce and to hand her anything she wants. Be ready to let her know that reality is going to be quite different.

This is a gold mine of info, 2L! Google all of it and see what it brings up.

Also try:

www.intelius.com : This site brings up names of people who may be associated with him.

Search his name and address at your county auditor's website. If he owns a home, it will bring up his tax card. See if a woman's name is on the tax card with his. That would more than likely be his wife.

Think! There are a million sites on the web that are potential sources of intel. A simple google search alone will likely bring up a Facebook page for him, since just about everyone on the planet is on Facebook. If you can get his Facebook page, you have access to his friends list.

Come on,2L. Put some thought into this.

The first step to restoring your marriage is KILLING the affair.
This is WAR against the affair.
Read Exposure 101 (on brain hurts post above)

Alright, well its update time.

Yesterday I placed a audio recorder in the car for when she went out for "Me time". And, of course, me time translates to time with OM. So now I have the proof of what I suspected since D-day, that she has continued to see the OM despite assuring me she has stopped.

So, now some questions, in no particular order.
First, some things to consider. I am SAHD, have no car of my own, no income, no where to go to live, and of course my daughter who is about to start pre-school in 2 days.

I always drive my wife to and from work as it is close and that way we save on parking costs and I have a car to be able to go places. Do I continue driving her to work? If my daughter goes to preschool, I can't work, and therefore can't start Plan B. Do I tell my wife we arent' doing school and we need to find a daycare for our daughter?

I have been essentially been doing plan A, though have not done an official exposure as I had no proof. I've been focusing on being my behavior towards her and been working on being a better spouse. It's been working as a few days ago, she told me she didn't expect me to try, and that before she was asking for 70% and now I'm giving her 110%. Also she said that she was hoping for 70% from me, then expected 0%, then divorce, and now..... (she either changed subject or didn't finish sentence, or was incomplete thought). Point is she seemed to be coming around and realizing maybe a divorce is not what she wanted.

If the EA has gone PA, I can't live with that, and wouldn't be able to continue our marriage, as I was cheated on multiple times in my first marriage before finally being left for another man (hmm, history repeating itself, oh yea! : ( . So do I attempt to find out if she's been physical with him before doing anything else?

It was all I could do to not rush upstairs screaming and yelling and going crazy tonight when I heard today's recording, but if she's in a fog, and there is still a chance for us to survive, I don't want to do the wrong thing.

The problem is, she will know something is up, that something is bothering me, as I cannot hide it very well, and she can even tell by the change in my voice.

Do I act like I don't know anything and continue trying to WOW her with me "new" self?

Sorry this is all jumbled up, but that's how my mind is right now since just an hour or so ago, I got to hear proof that my wife was lying to my face repeatedly and that she actually left her husband and daughter home all day to go out with another man.

Another problem is that she has started drinking as this is how she met the OM, a bunch of her co-workers drink often at Happy Hours. In our entire 12 years together, she drank maybe 10 times total. Now she's out drinking quite often. Says it makes her feel good. When she's around our daughter and she is being a kid, my W can get very frustrated and say she needs to drink. Also heard the POSOM say that he drank a bloody mary first thing in the morning the other day. Really?! She wants to be with someone like that?!

What do I do?

As for exposing the OM, his last name is pretty much the most basic last name in the US and finding info in terms of his friends and family is basically impossible. His last name would be similar to something like "Brown" or "Jones", so alot of hits on his last name.

I know there is no other spouse. About the only person/people I could expose on his side would be his boss.

Do I go on being the new and improved me, giving compliments, and being how I should've been all along? I certainly don't feel inclined to do that right now. I can't even stand to look at her right now.

Ok so your first priority is to expose this. We will work out the details later for when and if you need Plan B, but first you need to find out whom OM is.

Can you afford a PI? He will be able to get the goods. Does your wife have facebook? Is he on there? Do you have a number for him? Can you try and look up info on his number?

In the anger. I know it's tough but you have to be Plan A Mr. James Bond. If your anger is too much leave and go for a walk or get away. Call a friend or family member.

Let's find out the goods on OM so you can kill this affair.

First off, whether it is an EA or PA, you have to kill it. You can decide later if you want to remain married to your WW, and a lot of that will depend upon her becoming remorseful and accountable. A wayward makes a lousy parent, as you've do doubt noted, and regardless of who gets custody (personally, I think as a SAHD you have a great shot at that), she will still have some level of involvement in your DD's life...and you don't want that involvement to include OM.

Second, on the drinking. During my own adulterous relationship, I drank a lot. For me it became another way for me to disconnect from what I was doing. I would sometimes drink an entire bottle of wine a night, by myself, sitting in front of the computer. Drinking was something else that had to go for me. I didn't realize that until I was out of my affair fog.

You should familiarize yourself with the divorce laws in your state. Is adultery grounds for D? You should also be able to get spousal support as she is the supporting spouse. While you are being James Bond, start getting those ducks in a row. Plan A while you are gathering intelligence will confuse the heck out of her, which is precisely what you want.

I know his name, address, phone number and where he works, they work in same building, different floors.

Problem is, as stated above, his extremely generic last name does nothing to help find any contacts on his side. There is no other BS. He has no FB page. My wife has one but is very inactive on it and has only 12 friends on there. He is not on there.

So, I'm supposed to act like I know nothing and continue being the ideal spouse?

So how do you guys do it?!? How do I be the ideal spouse, do plan A, all the while I know she is continuing to see the OM?

I already had my suspicions, but now that I know for sure she has not stopped seeing the OM, it's a wild rollercoaster of emotions that I'm really trying hard to suppress. For example, tonight she was texting until I came and sat down on the couch, then she decided to go to the bathroom (with her phone) and camp out in there for a while. When she came out I just went downstairs. I could hear her get up to go get her phone. So I waited a bit, and came upstairs fast, and sure enough, there she is texting. Sure she could've been talking to someone else, but I highly doubt it. I just want to ask her if she is really willing to throw away our 12 year relationship to be with the OM, but I'm sure the answer would be one of fogbabble. By far, the hardest part of all this for me is realizing how F'd up my daughter's life will be by not growing up with both her parents being together. It's really the most horrible feeling. I'm so scared for her. I don't want her hurt.

I believe if my W can get out of the fog, we can work to make our M better than ever. But I just get so scared that won't happen.

Today we went to buy plants for the house, and she was talking about buying plants for the yard to improve one of her rose gardens. Why would she do this if there's a possibility we won't even be at this house very much longer.

I'd just really like to know how you people that have done it, survive 6 months, 1year... knowing she's (he's) still seeing the OM/OW? I feel like by being the ideal spouse as outlined in Plan A, I'm actually simply enabling her cake-eating. How is it not?

It ain't easy, but this is when you learn how to stop LBing, how to start meeting her ENs, and become someone she really doesn't want to lose. I've been doing it for 5 months. Get ready--if this marriage lasts, you'll be doing it the rest of your lives.


I feel for your pain. But focus now on becoming the best dad you can be. You have the opportunity to make financial arrangements, research attorneys, etc. if things come to a bad divorce. You'll have the upper hand.


She plans on continuing the A and the marriage side-by-side.

Start gathering hard evidence.


I am under the impression she is supporting you, not the other way around--the only cake-eating here is that she's getting to experience you meeting her ENs.

Find hard evidence, figure out how to expose. You may need to hire a private investigator. Spend the time to do it right, since you've waited this long.

Quick question. I'll be picking up a copy of SAA today. Should I keep this to myself or is it better for her to see that I'm reading it and hope she will look into it.

Affair still active and I'm not ready for exposure yet as still have intel to gather.

A side note, her Mom who is full Korean, thinks she has never been free (we got together when my W was 18, now 31), and she has been dealing with alot of heavy things weighing on her mental state and to just trust her and let her do what she's going to do. By "trust" her, I feel she is saying to trust that in the end she will do the right thing. She also says that "pushing" her to do anything will, by her Korean (and her own) nature, just make her more defiant and make her do exactly the opposite, which I agree, knowing her as I do. Her Mom was furious that I put a recorder in the car the other day, saying if I can't trust her, our marriage is done and I could never have another serious relationship without the trust. Her Dad thinks, based on her personality, that the exposure would be sure death of any chance for R.

In what sense of the word "support" do you mean? She is actually the financial support of the family since I closed my business down to stay home and raise our daughter until she goes to school. So as not to have strangers raising our daughter while we both worked.

That is shocking to me 2L2L. Your WW's Mom wants you to let her daughter continue to be an adulterer because WW has things weighing on her? Have you told MIL how shocked you are?

It's funny how beginning to live your life in a respectable manner will cure depression and the weight of the world. Respectable and honorable people are generally happy people. Liars are angry and depressed.

How many marriages has WW's parents saved? They are advising you to live plan doormat. And since they know her so well I guess that means that they were not surprised to find out that she is stepping outside of the marriage.

Doing nothing looks like you don't care.

Be strong 2L2L. Your WW is becoming more entrenched in her affair as you sit back and plan A with no stick.

You ask how we do/did it...by keeping our goals in mind. Have you read:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296184
and:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

There is a LOT more reading on this site, but those would be good places to start.

I didn't understand all of the stuff about why not to expose, but you should regardless of culture or race, no exceptions.

Real quick,

I have solid proof from last Saturday that the affair has continued. WW does not know this. There was another incident last night, where I'm certain she was seeing him again (went to work out for an hour, returned home 2 hours after the gym closed and 4 hours after leaving). When she came home I confronted her with some "evidence" and she denied it. The way I "confronted" her on it was out of anger and likely a LB, but the anger got the best of me. My question is, when I feel like I know she is seeing OM, do I push the issue, try to find out info, or act like nothing is wrong and go about my business?

It was hard to act like nothing happened last night, as it is unlike her to disappear for 4 hours with no contact on a work night. She didn't get home until midnight and she's usually in bed by 11 for work next day. Acting like nothing was going on would've been weird on my part.

Started reading SAA, and wish I could just read cover to cover non-stop.

Was told last night, what I think happened didn't, but she want's me to think it did so that I move on and let her move on. Fogbabble, but very painful to hear.

Have you exposed?