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and so what's my response to be when I demand her stop the affair or we will end up divorced, and she says "Ok". How do I respond to that (calmly)? Calmly?? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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For workplace exposure you mail a certified letter to the company.
Sample letters are in melodylanes link Exposure 101.
You also need to expose to OM family and married friends. You can usually find them on Facebook That's one of the problems, I have not been able to find info on OM's contacts. His last name rhymes with "with" and starts with an S, so you can see how that makes the search more difficult. I'd really like to find out his mom's info especially, since I was reading exposing to them is often instant A death.
BH (me) - 40 WW-31
Married 4, together 12
DD 3
DDay (EA) - 8/17/12
Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12
Exposed- 9/12/12
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For workplace exposure you mail a certified letter to the company.
Sample letters are in melodylanes link Exposure 101.
You also need to expose to OM family and married friends. You can usually find them on Facebook That's one of the problems, I have not been able to find info on OM's contacts. His last name rhymes with "with" and starts with an S, so you can see how that makes the search more difficult. I'd really like to find out his mom's info especially, since I was reading exposing to them is often instant A death. Try doing a cross reference on his phone #. What have you done to solve this "problem?"
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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and so what's my response to be when I demand her stop the affair or we will end up divorced, and she says "Ok". How do I respond to that (calmly)? Calmly?? If you are too "calm' you are going to come across like you don't give a damn. Who is "calm" when they are being assaulted? That is not normal.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How do I contact her FB contacts? I don't have a FB page. Do I need to establish one to do this? Use hers?
Just last night I was able to find that it is OM's dad on the mortgage and verified this by the site estimating his age at around where it should be for his son's age. But I don't know where to find the ph numbers or emails. Search FB for all the contact names and none I found panned out.
BH (me) - 40 WW-31
Married 4, together 12
DD 3
DDay (EA) - 8/17/12
Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12
Exposed- 9/12/12
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Calm doesn't mean you can't be serious or matter of fact or show feelings. Just don't yell!!
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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and so what's my response to be when I demand her stop the affair or we will end up divorced, and she says "Ok". How do I respond to that (calmly)? Calmly?? If you are too "calm' you are going to come across like you don't give a damn. Who is "calm" when they are being assaulted? That is not normal. Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands. Didn't say I was going to be able to keep calm, but trying to follow protocol here.
Last edited by 2little_2late; 09/11/12 11:43 PM.
BH (me) - 40 WW-31
Married 4, together 12
DD 3
DDay (EA) - 8/17/12
Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12
Exposed- 9/12/12
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From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:
"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers." I mentioned earlier that the betrayed spouse should avoid selfish demands, disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts during plan A. And I also suggested following the Policy of Joint Agreement. But when it comes to infidelity, I should clarify what I mean by selfish demands and describe a notable exception to the Policy of Joint Agreement.
How can a betrayed spouse insist that the wayward spouse end the affair unless a demand is made? The answer is found in the way I define a selfish demand.
Demands carry a threat of punishment -- an if-you-refuse-me-you'll- regret-it kind of thing. In other words, you may dislike what I want, but if you don't do it, I'll see it it that you suffer even greater pain.
To insist that the wayward spouse end the affair should not be made with the threat of punishment ("I'm make you suffer if you don't end it"), but rather with the simple fact that it's the most painful experience you've ever had in your life, and if the affair is not ended, your relationship must end with either a separation or divorce. To end the marital relationship is not punishment: It's to protect your own mental and physical health.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[ Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands. Didn't say I was going to be able to keep calm, but trying to follow protocol here. There is a big difference between being "calm" and having angry outbursts. No one is asking you to have an angry outburst. But being "calm" is unnatural and phony. It conveys a sense that you don't give a damn. And be assured that you are supposed to make a DEMAND when it comes to ending her affair. That is not a selfish demand. I don't know if that is why you keep posting that paragraph.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It is very difficult. But, really, if you think about it, you can't control her decisions. You can't make her love you. You can't make her stop seeing him. You can't make her choose you. You can't control anything that is her decision to make. So, just "let it go" and relax in that fact!!! You just can't force her, so you don't have to rev up for a fight. You just have to draw your line in the sand. She either rises to it or she doesn't. You can't make her. So, if she doesn't, you have to decide if you deserve better. You have to decide if that treatment is worth you moving your boundary lower so she can walk all over you.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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How do I contact her FB contacts? I don't have a FB page. Do I need to establish one to do this? Use hers? Go on her facebook page and copy all her contacts into a word doc and save it. See if you can find the OM on there. Then start up a facebook page of your own. Just last night I was able to find that it is OM's dad on the mortgage and verified this by the site estimating his age at around where it should be for his son's age. But I don't know where to find the ph numbers or emails. Search FB for all the contact names and none I found panned out. OM's dad on WHAT mortgage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You need to create a Facebook account. That takes about 5 minute.
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I'm not saying I'm not going to do it, but can you explain to me the benefit of doing so, when that's exactly what she wants. And what is my plan if she continues to see him? Do I go straight to Plan B then?
Where do I go? I've got only one friend whom I could stay with, but not my daughter. Her parents live next door. Can't really go there. Does she leave? She's the money. I can't just jump into this without looking. There's been so much to learn, so much to deal with, and I just want to do it right so I don't do the wrong thing and ruin the chance for R.
BH (me) - 40 WW-31
Married 4, together 12
DD 3
DDay (EA) - 8/17/12
Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12
Exposed- 9/12/12
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It is very difficult. But, really, if you think about it, you can't control her decisions. You can't make her love you. You can't make her stop seeing him. You can't make her choose you. You can't control anything that is her decision to make. So, just "let it go" and relax in that fact!!! You just can't force her, so you don't have to rev up for a fight. You just have to draw your line in the sand. She either rises to it or she doesn't. You can't make her. So, if she doesn't, you have to decide if you deserve better. You have to decide if that treatment is worth you moving your boundary lower so she can walk all over you. The goal is to FORCE HER to end her affair. That is what I am trying to help him do here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You need to get your Facebook account set up and get your exposure letters out.
Your daughter needs her father to fight for her family.
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I'm not saying I'm not going to do it, but can you explain to me the benefit of doing so, when that's exactly what she wants. And what is my plan if she continues to see him? Do I go straight to Plan B then? Yes, it is beneficial to be honest. Your marriage will not withstand an ongoing affair. You would plan on going into Plan B in a few months. In the meantime, you should be getting a job and preparing to support yourself. You don't have to move tomorrow. You have time to prepare. But you have to be proactive.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How do I contact her FB contacts? I don't have a FB page. Do I need to establish one to do this? Use hers? Go on her facebook page and copy all her contacts into a word doc and save it. DONE See if you can find the OM on there. No luck, he's not there. And searching FB came up with nothing on OM. Then start up a facebook page of your own. Do I have to use my real info? I don't want my parents to know. I haven't talked to them in 2years and they will just say "told you so". Bad juju between them and WW. Just last night I was able to find that it is OM's dad on the mortgage and verified this by the site estimating his age at around where it should be for his son's age. But I don't know where to find the ph numbers or emails. Search FB for all the contact names and none I found panned out. OM's dad on WHAT mortgage? OM's dad is name on OM's house mortgage, not OM's. But OM lives there and not his Dad.
Last edited by 2little_2late; 09/11/12 11:55 PM.
BH (me) - 40 WW-31
Married 4, together 12
DD 3
DDay (EA) - 8/17/12
Confronted/admitted - EA turned PA - 9/11/12
Exposed- 9/12/12
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Posts: 514
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She wants the "fun" she is having living a fantasy fog with OM. She isn't living in reality. Who wouldn't want to stay in la la land to avoid real life when OM is meeting needs and making her feel good? She is NOT thinking clerly!!! She should move to her parent's. She will have to provide spousal support. Is there an advantage in your state to filing first? Here, filing first gets you the house, the kids, etc..... until things are hammered out if divorce. If you don't kill the affair, there will be no recovery. She will get over the being mad. There is not getting over anything while the affair is still going on.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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Then start up a facebook page of your own. Do I have to use my real info? I don't want my parents to know. I haven't talked to them in 2years and they will just say "told you so". Bad juju between them and WW. Use your full name and upload your picture. When you send out the exposure messages you will use your full name and phone number. And of course you need to tell your parents! You need their support. Just last night I was able to find that it is OM's dad on the mortgage and verified this by the site estimating his age at around where it should be for his son's age. But I don't know where to find the ph numbers or emails. Search FB for all the contact names and none I found panned out. OM's dad on WHAT mortgage? OM's dad is name on OM's house mortgage, not OM's. But OM lives there and not his Dad. [/quote] So you know where the OM lives and know his name? Did oyu find his dad's contact info? Where did you look?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, you are right. I thought that it what I was supporting. Yes, he has to force her. I didn't say that right earlier. I was responding to him saying what if he forces and does all that he can and she still chooses other man. Sorry for not being clear.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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