Sean,
It would be better to move back home and work the program to see if any good comes. Even if you don't think it is worth working on your marriage move back so you are with your kids. Let your wife leave. Make your wife be the one to ask you to see the kids. You control who comes into your home. You can give up on wife, don't give up on your kids or put thim in harms way.
What will your kids think of you and how you treat them?
dan

Here's a hint, Sean:

Your WW has already told them all sorts of things to explain why you left and, buddy, none of them make you look good. Since you aren't there to say otherwise, they'll believe it and think that you don't care about them. Or, worse, that you left because of them.

SeanE,

Either decide you want your marriage and your kids, and move home.

Or file for divorce NOW, and accept that you've made a decision you never want to see your wife or your kids again.

As far as the "pain of exposing" goes, trust me, the pain will be there whether you do it or not. Do you want your WW to see you as a MAN who fights for her, or a wimp who just runs away? Women like to be fought for. Part of her resentment issues are that you've never fought for her!

I am in the middle of not leaving home and just exposed three days ago, so these are not idle words for me.

Ok...some cleaning up...

She never said I couldn't see the kids...said I could any time...could stop and see them or call...and we are going to do something this weekend away from the home (me and the kids).

She may be bad mouthing me...I am completely aware of this. I grew up in a divorced home...I understand it far better than anybody could ever explain it to me.

I grew up with the knowledge, at 13, that my father had an affair that led to my parents divorce when I was 3. This was brought to my attention when my mother wanted our step father to adopt us. It was not the right thing for her to do...I hated my father for many years because of it. We finally reconciled after 25 years. He passed away in 2011 but I'm glad I had the chance to finally forgive him of the things I was told he did. And forgive myself for living with years of hatred.

I also had strong resentment toward my mother for what she did...which I partially used to fuel the ability to keep away from her over the years that my wife wanted no contact with her.

Recently I have mended fences with my mother, step dad, sister...etc. I explained to my mother how I felt over those years and she took it very well. They obviously all know about what happened with my wife.

The thing I have learned is that nothing lasts forever. Anger, resentment, feeling hurt...marriages...you have to learn to deal with all of them. I now deal with them much better than I did when I was younger.

My wife is a mess. Sure, it probably is sitll the other guy...and I plan to find out. I can't go back there and create a crazy environemnt for my kids right now and she would certainly become unhinged if I did go back.

So, right now...being away allows her to be a mother...which she does quite well...and keeps the two of us from creating unhappiness that will make the kids miserable.

This is a poor excuse to abandon your marriage and your family. Just because your wife is upset? What if she asked you to jump off a cliff and threatened to become "unhinged" if you didn't?

You have sacrificed your children's safety and security only to appease your wayward wife. Children are not made "happy" when they come from a broken home. But that is what you are doing to them.

Making irresponsible, reckless decisions that harm your children and marriage is not justified by your desire to appease your wayward wife.


Being away harms your marriage and allows your wife to carry on her affair in peace. Being away greatly increases the risk of divorce. Being a part time father is not in your children's best interest.

You have structured your entire life and your children's lives in reaction to your wayward wife's irrational behavior. That is inexcusable.

A REAL MAN stands up for his family in their time of need. He doesn't abandon them when they need him the most. Running to accommodate your wife's desire to pursue her affair in peace is inexcusable.

You surrendered your family to some scumbag roofer. That is all you have done, Sir. You surrendered without a shot.

You are what Dr Harley would call an "enabler." He says it is very hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler.

And Sean, how do you feel about this man around your 15 year old daughter? He was willing to come in and have an affair with a client's wife. Does his severe lack of boundaries not concern you around your teen daughter?

MelodyLane is right. PLEASE follow her advice!

To be honest, I was afraid to post here at first because I knew that ML was going to call me on the carpet for being spineless. She may seem tough, but she KNOWS what she's talking about. I have listened to these people and have finally began to follow the plan. And I feel much better about things.

You can't just come here and make excuses. There is help, but you must follow it..

^--- good point alis. I read a study somewhere that said that many child abuse cases (including rape, and sexual abuse) are very well associated with "step" parents who have no biological attatchment to the children. I would be very weary about having ANY OM around my 14YO if I was you.

>.<

MNG

I worked in a police department for 8 years and have seen it more times than I care to recall. Step fathers are the top offenders. They also target mothers with mental health issues/poor boundaries/blind fools. No self-respecting mother would bring this trash around her children let alone young daughters.

Sean, a good mother does not cheat on her husband/children's father with some random roofer. If she WAS a good mother, fine, but she is not being one right now.

Bad boyfriends often abuse children of partners

Washington Post
By DAVID CRARY , AP National Writer
Sunday, November 18, 2007
NEW YORK (AP) - An ever-increasing share of America's children grow up in homes without both biological parents, leaving them nearly 50 times as likely to die of child abuse, according to research.

In many cases, the alleged or convicted perpetrator is the boyfriend of the child's mother - men thrust into father-like roles which they tragically fail to embrace.

Many scholars and front-line caseworkers interviewed by The Associated Press see the abusive-boyfriend syndrome as part of a broader trend that deeply worries them, particularly as an ever-increasing share of America's children grow up in homes without both biological parents.

"This is the dark underbelly of cohabitation," said Brad Wilcox, a sociology professor at the University of Virginia. "Cohabitation has become quite common, and most people think, 'What's the harm?' The harm is we're increasing a pattern of relationships that's not good for children."

There are many other studies that, taken together, reinforce the concerns. Among the findings:

• Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.

• Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

• Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University..


"All the emphasis on family autonomy and privacy shields the families from investigators, so we don't respond until it's too late," Wilson said. "I hate the fact that something dangerous for children doesn't get responded to because we're afraid of judging someone's lifestyle."

Census data leaves no doubt that family patterns have changed dramatically in recent decades as cohabitation and single-parenthood became common. Thirty years ago, nearly 80 percent of America's children lived with both parents. Now, only two-thirds of them do. Of all families with children, nearly 29 percent are now one-parent families, up from 17 percent in 1977.

The net result is a sharp increase in households with a potential for instability, and the likelihood that adults and children will reside in them who have no biological tie to each other.

comprehensive article in entirety at: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/11/19/AR2007111900007.html

Yup ... hence why I put my children in martial arts (my daughter can take me down now that she is a blue belt) and got her a hunting licence (actually going hunting this weekend)! THis way she has a good chance of defending herself in the event that someone try something on her. ANd any guy that wants to date her in the future will have to be more manly than her! haha.

SeanE you could be setting yourself up for many years of hurt with your children by just letting the OM move in and take over. DONT DO IT.

MNG

Bullsh*t. She said you cannot see the kids anytime that you like by getting you to leave the house. Her offer to let you see them when, no doubt, convenient for her is the same thing.

Just push that niceness a bit by telling her what's what and see how belligerent she'll get.


You are correct, having an unstable home environment is bad for the children. So she, being the one that is a mess, leaves the house and you, the stable one, stay. There, problem solved.

Any other excuses, Sean?

I'm trying to get you pissed off enough to care about your kids. It's tiring.

If I was your WW Sean, the message I would be getting loud and clear is that you don't care enough about me to fight for me. And maybe you don't. But if you do, be aware that there is NOTHING about your (in)action right now that would show it.

It seems like people are being harsh here I'm sure, and that they don't know your EXACT situation. EVERY A situation is in general the same, and the action that needs to be taken to end an A and fight for your M is the same. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't, but in the amount of time I have been here I have NEVER seen inaction work toward recovering a marriage.

People here just get frustrated to see another one bite the dust, because they were unable to persuade a suffering BS to take the actions that would help them.

Please listen... I didn't even post until I was ready to listen.

SeanE .. you can not see it now but your children are greatly affected by this ... they will feel you abandoned them .. they will wish you did everything you could have done to have a complete family ... They will wish you would fight TOOTH AND NAIL for your marriage.

I remember as a child ALWAYS wishing my parents would get back together .. All i ever wanted was a normal family life. IT NEVER HAPPENED! I resent BOTH my parents today because of this. Neither one thinks that what they did has anything to do with me and that its none of my business about what happened and why .. Well I know why NOW .. and they are ashamed. I know the truth and it disgusted me.

I (this year) blasted my mother for her adultery ... AND my dad ... my dad said sorry ... and wished he had of not done what he did and now makes a great effort in my life but I am an adult now .. My mom however tells me to STFU and that I dont understand and that its none of my business and that she owes NO ONE an appology. SO I not so kindly told her where the bears [censored] in the woods at about it.. and told her unless she appologizes and OPWNS what she did to our family that I really want nothing to do with her.

THEY DESTROYED my childhood .. my dreams of a normal family. Do you want your children to grow up with thoughts like this? I certainly dont want my kids to have any GLIMMER of this ...


THink Long and Hard SeanE .. this is not just about YOU and your feelings. The choices you make today will affect your children FOREVER.

MNG

BTW .. my mom told my dad he could see us anytime too ... But guess what .. she lied ... she moved constantly to avoid him. So even though i was supposed to visit him every 2nd weekend she moved often so he couldnt find us .. then blamed him for not taking us telling us he didnt want to visit us and make HIM out to be the bad guy. Told me that my dad would take me away and never let me see my mom again etc ..

All she wanted was the child support and did everything in her power to not allow us to visit my dad .. until the courts got involved and forced my mom to report when she moved so they could inform my dad as he had parental rights that my mom was trying to avoid.

DONT BE THAT DAD.. FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN!

MNG

I'm at a loss to understand how, looking back at this, you could think it would have worked if they stayed together?

Is the assumption that if they had stayed together your mom would have been different? she would have found love again for your dad and everything would have worked out?

I will always fight for my children. And I will fight for my marriage...as I have since I found out about the phone calls on May 10th.

Plan A did not work.

Isn't this essentially Plan B?

Does plan B say...go back to the home?

You are saying Plan B and make her leave... I get that. But I am already gone. My contact with her is essentially limited to that which involves the kids or the financial situaiton (bills that need to be paid).

Good, so you agree that you and the kids being the house is the preferable arrangement?




You can continue this limited contact from your own home.

The point, Sean, is why are YOU the one that had to leave and live out of a suitcase? Why are YOU the one that cannot see his children whenever you want? Why are YOU the one tossed out on your [censored] when you did nothing wrong?

Learn from our collective mistakes, please!