I dont honestly know, I was a child with big hopes ... they separated by the time I was 2 or 3. I was left in the dark as I grew up about the real story and made to feel afraid of my dad for most of my child hood. I love both my parents .. but i was very confused for a long time and didnt trust my dad because of the things my mom would tell me. Now that I know what REALLY happened .. it has changed my view and I made a VOW to not EVER let that happen to my kids.

I still wished my parents would have loved each other. They didnt try EVERYTHING they could have ... they were BOTH wayward. And by wayward I mean they were swingers. (puke)

However, my dad tries really hard now and feels remorse for what happened. MY mom is just crazy and STILL wayward. She thinks she can do no wrong. I dont see how it could have worked now ... especially knowing what I do now about how they BOTH feel about marriage and relationships. But that didnt stop me from wanting a complete family as a child growing up wishing I had loving parents like my friends did.

This movie played in my head for years.

edit to add a clarification.

Hello SeanE. The pros on here are 100% correct in their advice to you. Once it sinks in, you will see that too. It takes a while. So, what I hope is that you put your "common sense" aside and follow the directions they are giving you. Who knows if she will have a break in her fog, but she never will if you don't let her hit the consequential bottom!!! Seriously, she will never have a break in her fantasy fog until something so awful makes it break. Usually the weight of reality, her having to handle more responsibility, her having to face the music, shame from exposure, these are the things that can wake them up!!! DON'T make ANYTHING easy for her!!!! I agree, you should go back home. She is the wayward. You are the steady, security blanket that your children need. When waywards are off chasing their fix b/c that is the most important thing to them, EVERYTHING else comes second, third, etc. Your children are NOT #1 for her now. Also, after all the time I have been on this site, I FINALLY do see how this environment is NOT acceptable for the kids to remain in. It might be scarry, but others have done this.... Tell her you are moving back home. If she wants to have an extra marital relationship, she can do that, but she is the one that needs to leave the family home - AS SHE IS THE ONE BREAKING UP THE FAMILY!!! I know you are tired of hearing it, but you will eventually come to this conclusion!!! Who cares if she gets mad? Don't you have rights and feelings too? Empower yourself here. Stand up for what YOU know is right. Do this for your children. Take the leap - move home!! She leaves!!

You have not done plan a or plan b. You simply abandoned your marriage and your family and handed it over to the OM. You have only facilitated the affair in an attempt to appease your wayward wife.

What we are suggesting is that instead of standing up for the affair, you stand up for your marriage and your children and go home. Go home and conduct a REAL plan a.

He is under the mistaken assumption that he knows his wife better than we do. The truth Is that we know WAYWARDS and he does not. We see what is going on here and he is clueless. Because he is clueless, he is making strategic blunders.

EXactly.... ML.

I would say that if he is paying the bills in the marital home but not living there .. GO back and make use of the bills your paying. Let HER leave if she doesnt like it. Then the kids stay with you. This would either 1. Send her to OM (which most likely OM is coming into YOUR marital home and banging your wife) or 2. she just gets really angry and tries to argue with you to get you to leave and eventually gives up because you wont react to her abrasiveness (no LBing!) and then she runs away for a few hours to think about it and comes back to talk.

Either way .. you will be a hero to your kids as you remain and be the calm one of the craziness.

MNG

He is actually financing the affair.

Take it from someone who lived it: these activities will not prevent sexual abuse of a child. They MAY help your kids if they are attacked by a stranger while they're carrying their long arm, but statistics confirm that many, many sexual attacks on children are by people they know and trust. Those 'attacks' occur after a period of 'grooming'.

Your children are unlikely to whip out their long arms to take down a friendly family member over an action they may not understand, don't you think?

Hi there, SeanE! I don't have any kids.

WW asked me for a divorce 4 months ago. I spent those 4 months financing an affair for her.

Then I discovered MB, asked for advice, and decided to step up to the plate and BE A MAN. Killed the affair stone-cold dead 5 days after my first post here. W moved back in to our apartment THAT NIGHT. That was 3 nights ago. Two tough days of depression. Then there was today.

We just spent the evening talking from 6 PM - midnight. Planned some fun stuff to do over the weekend, cooked a meal for each other, and discussed how I can best meet her need for affection, spruced up the living room--she pulled the pilling off the sofa pillows, I beat the heck out of them outside. She spent today looking for/applying for jobs, for the first time since asking for D.

Oh, and no wayward activity on Facebook, physical whereabouts, etc. And she agreed to MB coaching, with our first session next Monday.

A week ago? I was lucky to get a half hour of time a week with her, and only to discuss financial matters. On the day of exposure? She hated me. The day after, when I told her to sign the no contact letter? "Now I will NEVER be friends with you and I'm going to send you one of these some day!"

This can be YOU. Now go move back in to your house, collect evidence, and expose.

I'm only doing this because I love my W, I think she's pretty, I think she's smart, and I want to be around her. You have kids who NEED you. Do it for them.

At the very least get the other guy out of your house before he starts touching your little girls. That's not a joke. Go read the statistics.

Sean your wife does not have a legal Court Order.
That is what matters. Not what is in her crazy selfish head.
You have legal right to reside there. You need to move back now

Nobody can help you if you refuse to act.

Sean.
You have already decided to quit.
You've made it clear that you would prefer to lie to children and help cover up your wife's affair.

Youve made it clear you are content being married to a woman that has sex with a "roofer" while you pay her bills. While your kids are in the home.

I understand. My aunt discovered her husband of 30 years had a black book with names of call girls and the sex acts they performed. She left him but decided to go back and accept it because she couldn't stand up for herself. Today she just pretends everything is normal.

However I can assure you your kids know that everything is not normal and you are teaching them a terrible life lesson about how little to value marriage.

Well 25 years from now you can look back as you see your children divorce and have affairs (things they learned from their mom and dad) and maybe, just maybe you can offer them some insight and suggest they value and FIGHT for what is right

Sean,
If you think it is over with your wife or not worth trying anymore, fine. Move home and see what happens. Let her move out if she likes. Be the dad your kids need, the one that puts them ahead of pride. Let them see you are there for them and let your wife know you have done nothing wrong and if she wants to be a part of "your" family she had better have NC with OM and work the Marriagebuilders program with you. If not let her go and fight for custody. The family and friends are more likley to side with the parent that is taking care of the kids. Be that man.
dan

Hey Sean. I thought I would check to see if you updated. I know it is difficult to keep reading everyone tell you to do something that YOU don't want to do, don't feel you can do, or don't think you can do. I know, I am there.

I think all "newbies" on here get that feeling b/c what we are being told to do is so opposite of what we want to do, what we think is the next right thing, or b/c fear is blinding us, etc.... For the longest time, I thought I could talk some sense into him. Now, I know that is so completely never going to be something I can do. Fear is my biggest issue. It paralyzes me in place and holds me back. I guess you could look at it a few different ways:

1. Open up your mind to the ideas being presented here to SAVE your marriage. These pros are giving strategic ideas to bring about the changes that are necessary to just get you to the threshold of the possibility of working on your marriage. Really, understanding why the stragegies are so important and so effective is key here. You are really at war to save your marriage. Nicey, nice, agreeable, trying not to make waves or upset her is NOT helping you or working for you. It is not doing anything to create the environment of security that your children HAVE to have. You cannot and will not EVER be able to please or not upset your WW b/c she is wayward and ALWAYS looking for something she can blame you for to justify her actions! She is in the "selfish, thinking this fantasy is real, demonizing you to feel better about her choices, re-writing history, chasing her fix mode." You CANNOT reason with people who are like this!! These feelings she is feeling towards this other man and what she is receiving from this other man are VERY POWERFUL!!! They are the most powerful things. Her vows, promises, life she built or even her family pale in comparison and are not more important to her than these feelings she is feeling with the other man. In this fog, they will give up everything!! They will lose everything!! That is, until they are given a reason to wake up from their selfish fantasy fog. I hope you can see that. These directions are strategically designed to help you to get your wife to hit rock bottom. You are going to have to let her hit the bottom by having all the consequences and responsibility for her actions fall squarely on her. Then, it won't be so easy, feel good, always fun and exciting, no problems, fantasy sex world for wifey anymore. THAT is when she has the greatest chance of a fog break. Don't go out of your way or be mean to make it hard on her, just let the realities of real life, the burden of her responsibilities, her shame, etc.. do their work. It is the hardest thing to let them fall, but this is YOUR weapon!!

Or

2. Don't heed the advice, cut corners, not break her fantasy fog, continue down this road, keep trying to get her to see the light, continuing to allow deceipt, disrespect, triggers into your life, continuing to finance her selfish, non-family oriented adulterous lifestyle, while you kill yourself trying to get her to see what she is doing. Don't spin your wheels to keep trying to get her to see that she is destroying your marriage, your family, destroying your kids. Giving all of your energy to this black hole will tear you down. You will not be the father or man you know you can be or need to be b/c this will drag you down. Your kids suffer trememdously, and you suffer tremendously with this option.

Or

3. You don't heed the advice and directions and just divorce her and lose the marriage. Just walk away from the problems. All the problems that come with that have their repercussions too.

I spent time writing this to you b/c it took me a long time to get that these people here KNOW what they are talking about. They are objective and know HOW to break the cycle. We are too close to it, minimizing, not willing to see the importance in what they are saying b/c we are blinded to the truth b/c of our own fog, fears and or reservations.

Please consider these directions for you and the kids. What is the best course of action to take for you to find peace so you can think that will be the best course of action for your children, their security, their happiness?

So...she is still with the other guy and I got her to admit it (gps records she could not deny) and have told her father again (I told him I would only give him the information he wanted and he said he wanted to know).

She won't stop seeing him.

We had heart to heart...both of us holding hands and crying...real emotions and discussion...but then when it came time to give him up...she would not.

You need to tell everyone about the affair, including your daughters. She is out of her mind on affair high and cannot make rational decisions.

Move back home. Let her leave if she wants to.

You say she's a great mother. Just watch the deterioration that happens as time goes on and the affair continues. It's an addiction and she's getting sicker and sicker.

Do you want to say married because if you do, go back a re-read the thread and follow the advice to a T. Seriously, tears and hand wringing ain't going to break her out of this mess.

Sir you refused to follow any advice to stop this.
Are you willing to follow the Marriage builder program and fight for your marriage and family?

And then you and the kids sadly waved as she left your home...yes?

Or are you still allowing her to live in your presence with this crap? Please tell me you showed her the door.

ETA: Please be kind enough to allow her to take a change of clothes.

Yuck.

You didn't seriously offer her absolution for all of the damage that she's done, did you?

You are the second poster in a week that has done this and, well, will get the same response:

Her tears are her own damned problem. She caused it and don't you DARE sit there and let her cry on your shoulder after she just reamed you up the rear.

What the hell!?!

I agree, somewhat, with maritalbliss: She does need to be shown the door, but her clothes can follow her in an airborne fashion rather than in a suitcase. Well, I'm not a complete hard-[censored]. Put her crap in a Hefty sack by the curb on trash day, let her know where it is and call it a day.

Sean, why are you even here? You seem to have no intentions of engaging in the necessary actions to save your marriage. Your wife is whoring around with another man, and YOU leave the house? Alone with your kids? What the hell are you thinking????

Are you trying to be nice in an attempt to win her back? Won't work.

Are you trying to show her you care about her by abandoning her and the kids because she has an itchy spot in her panties? Won't work.

Are you trying to save your marriage, or just willing to hand your wife AND your kids over to another man and blog about it?

So far, every damned thing you have done so far has failed, and failed miserably. If I were you, I would start considering a different strategy, because the one you have right now is failing miserably.

Look, you are letting everyone in your life down right now...especially your kids, and believe it or not, your WW. Do you really want to live the rest of your life knowing you did NOT do everything you could to protect them, and her, from this POSOM that is systematically breaking up your family? If you're okay with that, well then...........

So far though your actions indicate you are okay with that. I really don't get it, but it's not my family we're talking about here, is it? This is YOUR family!!

You're just gonna sit around and let this happen?

Wait a minute.

Sean, are you still living out of a suitcase?