Personality differences make the best POJA solutions.

Tried the POJA steps on this one? Perhaps there is a way he can show the world you're his without confrontation.

A cheerful 'UW says you'd like to meet us for dinner? We're busy on that date. Apologise to your good lady for us, too. Take care'

And then HE unfriends the guy for you.

Changing to a joint FB page?

Shared phones etc, cheerful assertiveness via text also?

Even just sending a super polite message using your profile and saying 'This is UWs H' - is effective. It is not confrontational but it shows you trust him with your FB profile.

Absolutely true. I have even tried to track my bad days to see if there is some sort of pattern (ie hormonal, I guess) so that I could plan appropriately for them. There is to some extent, but a lot of it is random too. Not talking about the A, not allowing myself to dwell on bad thoughts, etc. helps immensely. I have gained so much control of my own mind over the last couple months its amazing. I think I might even try telekinesis, never know


Very well said.


Totally agree. Complacency is the devil.


Ya, I'm not quite ready for that yet I don't think it makes me a renter either.

Thanks for your input as always SunnyD.

According to his words, he is NOT secure in my attraction to him or my commitment to stay married (although I think he knows I 'desire' staying married). I would def say its not because he doesn't see any threat to our marriage.

IDK thats a good question. I don't know what those ways would be.

Oh Indie you are such a master of POJA. Me, not so much. I have no ability for creative middle ground, at least not when it is concerning my own life. Work in progress.

The problem with your brilliant responses are that he would have to want to write them. He doesn't want to have any communication what so ever with any OM, regardless of what the message is.

To unfriend the guy he would have to actually log into my FB and do it, which he doesn't have any care to do. If he wanted to change to a joint FB page? Sure, no problem. None of these things are things he would do. To my knowledge he has NEVER logged into my FB.

If I were to do these things it would not make me feel any better about his level of jealousy or 'care' because I would be the one doing them. He would just say fine whatever, and I would do them, and even then he would never even check to see if I did them. Ya know?

The only thing that would make me feel like he cared would be for HIM, on his own, to log in to check up on me, or on his own respond to messages from OM, etc. On his own. If we POJA it or I do it myself, that is no different than nobody doing anything.

I do trust him with my FB profile. I 'manage' his profile regularly, he has PW for mine and access to do whatever he wants and if he managed it like I do to his, well, I would kinda like that.

Like I said, I don't think he has ever even logged into my FB page. By choice, not because I don't trust him with it.

Really??? Hmmm. That's interesting. I figured since he's always "fighting you off," lol that he just thinks you're not going anywhere, etc...

As I think I've mentioned, my H has never been the jealous type either. Of course, neither was I until infidelity reared it's ugly head.

It sounds to me like your H could use some education about the role trust should and should not play in a marriage.

I agree SunnyD. Here I am saying 'don't trust me' and him saying 'well I'm going to anyway, even if you TELL ME you are not trustworthy.' Where's the sense in that?

Not saying I haven't learned a lot, just that I know my weaknesses.

So ya he's always fighting me off. But he tells me he feels like 'the closest warm thing that is ethical' meaning, I am just a horn dog and will have sex with anyone he just happens to be close and since he is my H it is 'ethical.' He does not feel special. Now don't get me wrong I do have a high drive, but that doesn't mean I am attracted to every man walking down the street. I tell him he IS special and it is HIM that I am so attracted to. Not sure how to communicate that more than just telling him though.

We just had a long convo about this on date night. I can't remember what led into it. He was saying how the fact that I am someone who just likes having multiple people meet my needs, makes him feel not special, because he knows it isn't about a particular person (like I have no addiction to a particular OM), just that it is the need meeting itself that I am addicted to regardless of who it comes from. I said, but then you must see that YOU are special. Because it is true that I was like that for many, many years. As soon as my needs weren't met in a relationship I walked. I used to joke that I have never, in all the relationships I have been in, had a man break up with me. And I have never, even at the end of LT relationships (longest was 6 yrs/1 yr engagement) cried over a man. Just moved on. But then I met H, and I was head over heels in love with HIM. And over the first decade of our M he met basically NO needs and yet I was still in love with him and very attracted to him. Have always been very attracted to him. I have always wondered how that is supported by the MB concepts, doesn't seem to be, but thats the way it was for me. I'm sure Freud could explain something in all that Anyway I said, see it is YOU, you are special. All those other guys were the not special ones, you are the special one. You are the one I love regardless and the only one I want.

Don't know if he bought it though

Not sure how I have made him feel so not special. Seems my unnatural desire to have sex with him ALL THE TIME has the opposite affect of making him feel special.

Speaking of SF...

So I got all bent out of shape, not wanting to be too demanding. Which caused me to just stop instigating AT ALL and even turning H down once in awhile. He kept saying 'how do I get the old UW back???' Apparently he decided he missed my assertive sexual ways, just a little.

And turns out it is quite impossible for me to develop a sexual aversion, as hard as I tried...

Now I just try to find some balance. Find myself asking H a LOT "is this being demanding?" or "are you feeling pressured?" or "are you enthusiastic about this?" and almost always he says yes (he is enthusiastic), so I'm not sure WHAT the demanding piece is and have quite a bit of confusion about it. There have been times he has SAID he was enthusiastic but his actions didn't seem that way, but who am I to DJ myself out of SF...

H has been on some new health regime and also has an appt for the Dr to get his T levels amongst other things checked as he is rather unhealthy. Its progress.

...has an appt for the Dr to get his T levels amongst other things checked...

UW, I harped on this a while ago, and "backed off" when I sensed you getting your "back up"! His most recent choice NOT to protect his own "turf", by confronting the potential OM fairly SCREAMS, "T-level low"!

Even if the result comes in "acceptable" but in the low range, you/he should ask for options.

Oh, loosey goosey boundaries and EP's.


See... while I can't vouch for iron-bound, no-social-networking EP's in our recovery here's what I can vouch for; deletion of all social networking accounts other than FB, merging of FB into a single account associated to both of our phones. Deletion of all friends and coworkers of either of ours that were not direct friends of the marriage or family. Period.


"Who is J"


Some guy I should have deleted and blocked 2 years ago, with every other male friend, coworker, or acquaintance.


Then again, I'm spoiled - I get notified every time any number outside of normal rotation calls, is called, texts, or is texted to NGB's phone. It did take a few times of me reviewing and asking about odd numbers... but, I don't ask any more.


Shore up your boundaries, UW. Notification is part of being trustworthy, but so is closing up the holes. Don't wait for him to do it.


I wouldn't close them up, or threaten some dude for a message or a call. My wife knows my boundary expectations.

Excuse me, unwritten, you said this guy "kissed" you the last time you were together? What kind of kiss?

Agree.

Oh I didn't wait for him to do it. I asked him how he would prefer it handled, would HE prefer to contact OM or delete the message (after reading) or unfriend him personally, or would he prefer I delete and unfriend. He said just delete it. So that is how it was handled.

But yes, agree I need to shore things up.

Goodnight kiss like, more than a peck, not any kind of making out type kiss though.

And you're friends with him on Facebook???

Was, yes, pre MB days when I thought it was FINE to have multiple male friends. But I thought I deleted him back when NG busted my a$$ for that. In fact, I practically remember deleting him, even before that actually because I never had any contact with him and didn't really care to, so don't know why I even had him as a friend, and I kinda remember thinking about that and unfriending him before NG's a$$ whoopin. But apparently I dreamt that or something, because he messaged me (I have my security tight and non friends cannot message me) and it says he is still a friend. Was, unfriended now of course.

Of course I contemplated replying and copying his wife in, and asking him why he was notifying me of his trip!!! Decided protecting H came before protecting his W though.

Maybe review your friend list too, then.

Sounds like asking him if he is enthusiastic for SF is working?

Sounds like simply by asking the question is removing all pressure because its caring.

I actually had the whole 'I'm just a warm body' complex your husband has, even though I had the higher drive.

I would get turned down, but then when his tank ran dry and he wanted SF, he'd turn to me and I would feel like 'just a warm body'

I think its a natural feeling to have when SF approaches seem to be driven by drive rather than by the relationship.

If we were talking and laughing, he'd complimented me and THEN wanted SF because he felt close/attractive - I didn't get that feeling then.

If that's of any help.

Maybe thats it Indie, maybe me asking is showing care.

To give myself credit, I have been also putting a lot more active thought into my thoughts, actions, responses, etc. to things (you know, before thinking, saying or doing something asking myself if it is going to help or hinder the process of recovery, ie not talking about the A, being upbeat and positive, filling needs, not LBing, etc.)...so I have I think curtailed some of my more aggressive tendencies.

When hugging him, and 'almost' attempting to kiss his neck or rub him somewhere, stopping myself...but hugging him anyway. I have really curtailed what I say to him, of a sexual nature. So maybe that has made a bigger difference than the asking, IDK.

It is hard to keep my hands off of him, I have to make a conscious effort.

Work in progress.

It is helpful, thanks for the input.

It is really a combo of both, drive and relationship. I do have a healthy drive, but I am not walking down the street ready to jump anyone who walks by. So it is also about having an unbelievable attraction to H, too. Wish he could see it that way.