Right on, 20 Year...

My FWW said/felt the same thing -- she thought the love was dead before, now AFTER her affair??? She never thought it possible.

And -- mixed in feelings for the OM!

You are right -- MB is a plan that works. Rome wasn't built in a day, the marriage didn't crumble in a day...and it will take awhile to right it.

BUT -- your W will eventually realize what love TRULY is, means...and her 'feelings' for the OM, well....the only thing she'll feel worse about is herself regarding what she did to you and your marriage.

Keep at it!

How'd the weekend go?

So, Friday was the day she was talked to at her work. Also the day she "went to the store" and out for a drink. Saturday, early morning, I took the car and went North for about an hour or so. Once she woke up and found me gone, she got even nastier.

Turns out, she had someplace to go. Her Friday trip "to the store" was actually a visit to a Lawyer to start divorce papers. Saturday she was planning to go pick them up. But I was gone. Had an interesting talk with her Dad who finally had the cajones to say alot of things him and MIL have been keeping inside for several years. Anyway, ended up coming home and told WW I needed to sit down and talk to her face to face, in a non-confrontational manner.

We talked for about an hour, discussing where we are at, where we're going and how we're going to get there. Eliminated her wishes to proceed with divorce for the time being, and really got alot of questions answered.

For now, she still wants divorce, but we can't as it just doesn't work on many fronts, mainly housing, and other factors.

Since last Friday or Thurs, we had planned a family trip (her, me and DD) to go to a zoo type thing out here on Sunday, and that's what we did. Ended up being one of the best days I/we've(?) had in a LONG time. We were actually able to get some great family photos which sadly we didn't have since our DD was born almost 4 years ago. Was a good day.

Most notably though, the W I know seems to be back. She is not glued to her phone and carrying it all over the place like she has been. She's been reading like she normally does, and just generally seems to be "back".

I need to continue reading SAA, but at this point, she is convinced that we are done and can never be again. Though, at one time during Saturday's talk, she said something to the extent of divorcing, and who knows maybe in the future sometime we get back together again then we do, but doesn't want me to have hope.

Really not sure what's going on in her mind. As much as I know she cares for our DD's long term well being, and how much I know she at one time (at least) loved me so much, I can't see how she can go through with D and effect our DD's entire future. She's been told by several people that children of D, especially when this young (3), end up just fine. I say B-S. I know better, and she should too.

Just not sure how to proceed. Can't see telling her my plan (MB) for R when she's convinced a D is the only thing we can do. For an unknown amount of time, as of now, we plan to live together, act normal basically, and I guess eventually split. I don't know. All I know is I'm currently applying for night shift work so our DD can continue to go to school, and I can start to provide income. Financial stress has apparently been more of a burden than she ever let on. Thought I was doing right by her and our DD by being SAHD, but apparently I'm the only one in the family who thought that. Good thing about me going to work though is, it will force her to pick up alot of the childcare which I normally do every night when she is home, so she will see just how "easy" that is.

Just trying to run a smooth Plan A. Sometimes it's real hard, and I feel like saying F it. But at the end of the day, most important to me is saving my DD from a life of pain. Just need to convince my W that we can R and have a M better than it ever was.

Asked my W today by text if she wanted to watch a specific show we've watched every season of, kind of an informal "date" so to speak. She replied with a "sure, thanks for asking instead of assuming" which really threw me off. Couldn't figure out why "assuming" we would watch the show together was a bad thing.

One day at a time.

*edit* MIL and FIL both VERY upset about workplace exposure. Felt I was risking our DD well being since WW could be fired over this (which she is not nor will be). Also because it's a private matter and going public with it at her work makes her and me look bad. Either way, it seems to have worked. No withdrawal sadness. During our Saturday talk, WW mentioned a few times that the "relationship" with OM was already crumbling anyway.

Also, beginning to wonder if she ever even had sex with OM.

A few reasons:
1. several days before confrontation, I had accused her of it based on some "evidence" and left the house. She texted me and said "what you think happened didn't, but I kinda want you to think that so you'll move on and let me move on"

2. During confrontation, I asked her if she did, she said yes, but wouldn't tell me how many times, even though I repeatedly asked.

3. Due to certain womanly circumstances, the window that this could've happened would have only been about 3 days, but realistically 1 or 2 based on time away from home.

4. When I asked her Saturday during our talk when it happened, she was very unclear about exactly when it happened, even though it had to have been sometime in the last week to week and a half.

5. First thing MIL said when I told her, was "are you sure she didn't just say that because she was angry?"

So, I don't know, there's a possibility, she's only saying she did to try to push me away and/or to see if I'd still try to work things out.

My W knew about the multiple times my XWW cheated on me and that I had taken her back. When my W and I first got together we were talking about cheating and she was miffed that my new stance was zero tolerance. Her basis was that I gave my XW POS multiple chances, and would not hypothetically give her the same. Now I know some may read this as she was looking for a free pass, but I know 100% that was not the case. My belief is that she maybe felt like my XWW was more important than her since I gave her chance for R multiple times, but would not my W (then GF).

She also asked me recently maybe a bit more than a month ago, something like "you would even try to work it out if I cheated on you wouldn't you?" to which I answered "no, I don't think so".
That on still baffles me, whether she did or didn't, can't figure out why she'd ask that question.

THANK YOU for this post 20! Lots of good stuff here.

Do NOT start softening your expectations,for the whole story (eventually) based on the fairy-tale of "maybe there was no sex"!

She thinks she is a pretty good manipulator, dude, or you have "Sucker" stamped on your forehead.

1) She wanted to portray herself as a slut to let you more easily "move on"? Oh, really, as all her other recent actions have been so cognizant of your emotions?

2) She didn't tell you how many times because they were too numerous to remember.

3) What, they don't sell mouthwash in your town? And unless you're a lecherous goober from Arkansas, that does count as "sex"!

4) As for when, see #2 on "quantity"!

5) Who the hell cares what MIL says/thinks?

If you and she reconcile, you're going to need the full story, and will require a polygraph. If you are destined to dissolve your marriage (and it sure as heck looks that way), do not leave with doubts about whether you were too hard on her, and maybe she really did remain the "pure angel" sexually that she maintains.

Bleeping Hell!

What is this, some joint-effort-task-force on splitting up?

I'm kind of at a loss for words here, or words that will pass the censor test...but what I'm trying to convey is that you've ceded control over your marriage and your child to your WW and her OM and I'm wondering why.

Your WW needs a come-to-Jesus moment in the worst way. Right now, she's learned to threaten you with divorce to get you to back down and let her run the show.

Time to schedule a polygraph test.

So, she's sticking with the "I was at the 24-hour attorney's office to draw up divorce papers."

That is complete monkey crap, you know, unless OM moonlights as a lawyer.

What'd you expect her to say?

I went out Friday night for a little boot scooting and was going to do it again on Saturday if you hadn't taken the car!

First, when your wife suggested that you could get back together after divorce that is a very common statement. My wife said the same thing. She also suggested we have occasional sex after divorce. Just ignore it.

As for the plan you have apparently agreed to live as roommates. That needs to be vetoed today.

It is important to understand that we all have personal responsibilities in our lives. When we drive drunk, we are held accountable for breaking the law. When our kids miss school we are held accountable. The judge won't care about our ideas or feelings.
Same thing for addictions or adultery. The best way to help someone that makes self destructive decisions is to hold them accountable and allow them to face the natural consequences of their actions. To do otherwise is to enable.

Your wife's parents don't support exposure because they would prefer to pretend that there is no problem. See no evil, hear no evil. It's embarrassing to their daughter and they don't want her to face that natural consequence.
They probably don't want to hear that their daughter is becoming a drunk either.

Nobody likes being caught and facing consequences. I don't like it. But that gives us the opportunity for self improvement if we learn from our mistakes.

Now your wife wants to live as roommates and eventually get divorced. Don't agree to it. If you did agree you need to tell her that you have decided that you are willing to work towards a loving healthy marriage where both of your needs are met.

If she starts talking about anything to do with your marriage negatively you respond: I am willing to work with you to create a loving healthy marriage where both of our needs are met.

Repeat that sentence every time. Otherwise you are wasting your breath.

And if she does file for divorce you repeat the same sentence.
Then you get an attorney and continue plan a.
You also tell her that the OM will be summoned to testify at court along with his daughter and ex wife.
Then repeat the sentence

Strategically, I want to let you know that if you decide to divorce this woul be the time. Waywards often want to leave so bad they are more apt to agree to a settlement that would favor your interests

I really think his wife's just a bully and has no intention of doing anything to dissolve the marriage. Why should she? When he exposed, she went nuts and he backed down to the point of actually coming to an agreement over how they'll live.

When he dared ask where she was Friday night, she basically threatened him by saying that she was at a divorce attorney's office and, boy, that shut him up. She added a few lines about how his staying home with their child makes him a financial loser and that ended that.

She's a coward, much like the former Mrs. HDW, and his calling her bluff would do him well, IMO.

I just can't think straight.

First, as I've said in prev. posts, I have no job, no car, no money. My immediate options are slim. I'm looking for work, at nights, so I can use the car, and we don't have added costs of daycare. Right now, I just need to start making money, and that applies for either direction things go.

I did not have to ask her about where she went last Friday, it was early enough that it is entirely likely she did go to the D lawyer. Did that shut me up? hell yeah. That's of course the last thing I want here.

Every time I think I know what I'm supposed to do, I end up doing the wrong thing.

So, I've been spending time with her at night watching TV and such, doing Plan A stuff (I think), and this morning on the way to work, she asks me why I'm doing it when the D is decidedly going to happen. It was not an angry conversation. She said "if you're not trying anymore and not hoping, why are you doing these things?" I didn't know how to correctly respond. Didn't want to say the wrong thing. I guess HDW's response above?

And HDW, there is no OM's daughter or EX W, and we are in a no-fault state, so it's my understanding there would be no case to take anyone to court for adultery.

So, please give me a plan. My brain feels fried, and I really just can't seem to focus or make proper, rational decisions. I'm just doing whatever I think will keep us from getting D. Threatening her with something I don't want is so counter-intuitive and she also really never responds to threats.

What effect does this statement have on someone who is I feel 100% sure that they want a D?

She really didn't even go nuts. Just accused me of having no concern for her since I "attacked" her at her work. She just went off to see the Lawyer, it was still early enough for this to be probable, and she was stating things that she would have only known had she talked to someone.


Was not just her, but her parents. Point was that I should have been looking for work, any kind, any pay to at least help out with the finances and reduce financial stress which we have plenty.


Which is what, agree to the D? How can I call her bluff, proceed with a D, and all the while do Plan A and let her know I want to save the M?


[/quote]

Inception.



I've got a percentage freshly produced from my rectum; 80% of the time a wayward saying they are 99% set on divorce is 100% full of crap.


Don't doubt the voices of experience for the ramblings of a lust-drunken fool.

I�m going to give you some advice my dearly departed father gave me.

When in life you are faced with a crossroads and you don�t know what to do, sometimes the best thing is to not do anything. Be patient and let the answer reveal itself.

This is not something you can put a wrench to and fix today. You cannot fix her. She must fix herself.

The plan is right in SAA. Focus on yourself right now. Let the emotions cool off for a few days. Do something nice for YOU today. Sounds like you just need a little time to digest everything that has happened before you plot your next move.

If I were you, I would just be Mr. Cool about the entire situation. Don�t get sucked into her drama. Her feelings will change every 10 minutes so pay no attention right now to what she says or does. Just be the best YOU that YOU can be right now. Take a shower. Get something to eat. Try to keep your mind busy and not allow it to consume your entire being.

You say your brain feels fried. Well it IS FRIED. Let it cool off for a bit. You don�t have to make any decisions right now.

Take a mental break my friend.

I'm sorry, I'm looking through SAA, and I just don't see how, at this point, there is anything in there to help me. The book goes from how the affair started, to how they end, to how to R. There is nothing in there about how to deal with a spouse who regardless of whether the A is going on or not, still is convinced there is nothing there anymore worth saving. I don't even see any mention of Plan A or B in there.

Well one thing to remember.
I was taught this in AlAnon.
If you make a threat you MUST follow through on it.

Keep it simple.
Work on plan A. ***EDIT***