Once I came to terms, I mean REALLY came to terms that I could ONLY control myself...it was liberating. Very liberating.

I stopped trying to control the situation and started controlling myself.

I knew in the end that I was going to do everything to the best of my ability, be the best person I could be and end the end...well it would be what it would be.

Can you do that?

Thank you again 20. Your words help here.

So, the last few days, there's been no talk about the D or M or R or any other letter of the alphabet, and I've been feeling MUCH better. Today, her question about why are you trying just put me back in the hole.

Is it appropriate at this point to continue to let her know I want to save the marriage even though she insists there's nothing there and no way we can R?

Is this the best canned response ("I am willing to work with you to create a loving healthy marriage where both of our needs are met. ") and continue to use it regardless of her reaction/ response?

[quote=HDW]Well one thing to remember.
I was taught this in AlAnon.
If you make a threat you MUST follow through on it.

Keep it simple.
Work on plan A. ***EDIT***


In my last failed M, I just laid down and watched her walk away, completely heartbroken. My W now is 100x the woman my x was and we also have a child together. I'm just scrambling to save my life here. These are VERY hard times.

Why do you think men are told to plan A for six months?

Why when you have been told you won't see changes on a day to day basis, you come here crying woe is me I'm not seeing any changes?

WW was not seeing a lawyer Fri night. See was seing the OM. As was going to see OM on Sat also.

When are you going to learn that WW only lie?

When are you learn that WW's will say and do anything to get their BH to stop fighting for the marriage?

Your fighting is only creating conflict in her mind that the OM may not be the best deal for her. You stop fighting, you will let the OM win. Fighting you have a shot.

I don't know honestly.

At what point in your issue did you come to this realization? I'm only a month into this mess and really only had confirmation the A was still active a little more than a week ago.

I asked her last Sat during our talk if she ever did stop contacting him (from D-day) and she said she had for a couple weeks until he persisted in talking with her. So, at least at some point she did make an effort. Whatever that's worth.

She also said that if it wasn't that guy, it would've been someone else. She was just looking for appreciation and to feel wanted. Stated that the problem is/was not the A but our unhappy M.

If I were you I wouldn�t get into a lot of heavy talk right now.

Keep the mood light. Talk about fun things. Remember�she is wacked out her mind right now. Her mind is fried too.

You have to SHOW her AGAIN how great of a guy you are. Give her REASONS to stay in the M. Court her again. Try to not take anything personal she says�.water off a ducks back. Be cool, confident and THE MAN. You have to dig deep for some internal strength right now. No LB�s at all. Everything with a smile on your face.

If you want her to eventually fall back in love with you�you have to be lovable. What was it about you that attracted her to you in the first place? DO that. Be cool, calm and collected.
I would say �my marriage means more to me than anything. I feel terrible about the past and now making changes in me because I want to become the person I always wanted to be� for ME and in the end I hope to prove to these things�

WHO CARES what she says right now�I mean really�This now needs to become your show. Stand up for yourself. Go lift some weights�anything to make you feel strong. Show no weakness.

What she won�t respect is a doormat. Someone with no backbone and is willing to roll over and play dead.

Look, she is still in the house..right? She hasn�t walked out the door..right? Why is that?

You have to give this some TIME. There is no substitute. Give her some hope for your future..that is what she needs more than anything. She doesn�t think she will ever fall back in love with you. BUT feeling follow actions.

Now�be MR COOL and take one step at a time to get her to fall back in love with you. I know you can do it..

Well I don't have the book with me. But doesn't it go into great detail about Jon and Sue and how Jon used plan A and then plan B??????
The book is written by Dr Bill Harley.
Do you have the correct book?

BINGO. Exactly what my FWW told me.

She just gave you the keys!!! now use them.

Make her feel wanted! make her feel appreciated!!

Date her...make her happy. At the same time don't take any Shi+ insist no contact with OM and stand strong.

Look...she sees no hope at all right now.

She thinks there is no way you will ever forgive her...she thinks that she will never fall in love with you again.

This is her reality.

However..I can tell you this is b.s. It absolutely can happen. I am living proof.

Did you read my thread?

Again thank you 20.

I've been doing all these things, so this morning when she asked why am I doing that when the D is 100% going to happen, she may as well have stabbed me in the heart. I guess I felt like everything I've been doing is having no effect.

So, even in the face of "why are you doing this, we are through?" I stay on course and reply with the statement(s) given above?

Yes, but the difference here is that Sue ended up wanting to R. I've not yet reached that point, and can't see how to get there.

I do have the right book, and going to reread that section right now.

***EDIT***

Have you approached OM? Have you told him you are going to wreck his [censored] if he doesn't f-off? Dude, you have to KILL this A.

NOW. This is your main objective. Besides killing the A, avoiding LB's and being nice...You don't have to do anything except what I advised above.

The A has to die..she has to go through withdraw before R can happen.

nothing is 100%. Don't listen to a word she says and just do your thing. Yes, just say the above when she questions you and go about your business.

Truth is D is a possiblilty for sure. However..you aren't yet...

Yes, during our talk she said she was the last person to ever think she would cheat, and surely that meant she didn't love me. We've always agreed on that from the beginning, as our early conversations were about my X and her cheating. We always agreed that if one cheats, they clearly don't love the other.


No, but I'd very much like to. Can you provide a link?

Make no mistake. what you are doing now is having an effect.

However it is going to take time before you see results.

She is going to fight falling back in love with you. SHe is going to fight everything...pay no attention. Don't get sucked into her drama.

Just do what you know you need to do and what will be will be.

You aren't going to roll over for this POSOM are you?

Please tell me you have more self respect than that for yourself.

Call her bluff, dude!

Here's the spiel:

Sweetie, I understand you want to end the marriage. I do not, but if we go that route, here are my terms. I have been the primary child caregiver, and will therefore pursue primary custody with you having occasional visiting rights. To emphasize my fitness over yours, I plan to introduce the full story of your adultery, calling as a witness to testify in open court your sex-partner. I will furthermore be looking for a majority of the marital assets as spousal maintenance and child support. This will include our home and the vehicle. I would anticipate receiving for my maintenance and the aforementioned child-support, approximately 70% of your earnings. Legal expenses should be in the roughly $10K range, of which you will be compelled to pay all, as I have sacrificed MY earning power to raise OUR child

That should cover the basics. We'll get nastier as required if you fail to accede to my demands immediately.

And, oh yes.....have a nice day at work!

20YearHistory's Thread

I need to keep this at the front of my thoughts. Try to stay positive.

F NO! Just feel like I was running full speed (Plan A) and she opened a door right in front of me this morning. A BIG Steel door and I ran right into it.

I guess I tend to have problems maintaining a positive outlook. As soon as she presents a negative, all my hope is squashed.

There was an incident about 6 months ago, where we were having a fight and I mentioned getting a D, then as we talked, we agreed to seek help instead of getting D. She recently told me when we decided to not get the D at that time, she was disappointed. This was long before any of this A stuff happened. Mean anything?

***EDIT***

During last Saturdays lengthy talk, she emphatically told me "not to try", made if very clear, almost to the point of seeming disgusted by it. Of course I still am, but is continuing to try going to push her further away or show her I am fighting? or Both?
Of course, not trying can only have one result I guess.