I sure did nesre, I failed on the following ENs: recreational time, affection, and conversation.
Conversation: we talked quite a bit this past week. It starts with her wanting to talk about the marriage and forcing an argument. I so far avoided arguing with a cool head I tell her I have hope for the marriage and would she like some coffee. Once that's over we talk about everything, this past conversation was about pictures and memories we had over the course of the marriage. She started to cry I rubbed her shoulder, then she started talking about sex and all kinds of things. Then we moved on to our future plans. She said some hurtful things but I avoided LBs like a champ. All in all was good conversation without talking about the EA or relationship. I also admitted to her that I failed to meet her needs, she admitted that her EA was wrong and i didnt deserve to be hurt like that. However, she claims she doesnt feel guilty about it. Which is shocking! Has anyone encountered this with their WS? That statement baffles me. Is it just fogbabble? She also said she talked to her mom about the OM ex and told her everything. I believe this is a lie. I am going to give her another day then have the ex talk to her mother. Communication with her mom is hard on my part due to the fact her mother speaks Spanish only. Luckily the ex speaks Spanish! So far I am at 4 hours UA time this week it's up from 0 will try to increase it as much as she allows.

Affection: yesterday got her a card, which was the topic of some of the conversation. She loved it, but was really hesitant to admit it. I also bring her favorite coffee home every morning after I workout. Complimented her new hair cut and various other things. I also call her doing the day to ask if she is ok and tell her I love her. She hasn't said it back but I will keep saying it. I send her thoughtful love texts. Like schtoop says kind of a challenge to meet this without touching. I kiss her when I leave to work but she is sleep (I think a couple of times she wasn't). I'm planning today to go out with her and get a pedicure done together. Next week I'm throwing around the idea of going to a concert will ask her about it.
Recreation: planning on going to the circus with her, her mom, and our kids. Also for just me and her we can go to a roller skating rink. I suck at it but I know she will enjoy it. Sunday plannin on going to church as a family. Next week I need to plan. Should I bring up the idea of a staycation? Our jobs are hectic right now and can't really afford a vacation. I really need to plan this carefully cause she was planning on seeing the OM in Chicago so I believe that place should be off limits.

So far no luck on getting the NC done. I have VAR in her car and GPS she hasn't been talking to him on the phone at all. Her CPU has a keylogger, nothing fishy there. She talked to the Ex wife on monday. She also talked to him for about 3 minutes about the abuse he did to his ex and children. VAR confirms this. Is it too soon to force the issue of the NC? Also she still wants a divorce and claims if she had the money she would get one cause she has "lost interest in me". That hurt, but I stayed the course and told her I still have hope for the marriage. I called the hotel he OM set up for their tryst pretending to be him and reservations are still on. Im worried if he contacts her and spin the exs story to get my WS to come. I had a plan for this and I'm scared I might have to do it. If that happens should I stay and fight for my marriage or let her go? This guy is obviously a predator who preys on emotionally weak women.

You are doin great.
Definitely have the OM ex talk to your MIL.
Also I would stop telling your wife you have hope for your marriage. I would instead say "I have a plan or our marriage. I am willing to work with you to create a loving healthy marriage where both of our need are met"

You are doing a good job of not engaging her in conversation about the dense use of the marriage etc etc.

As for the No Contact, I would carefully consider making an ultimatum of she either quits the affair and agrees to your conditions to stay married or you proceed with divorce. Explain that if you proceed with divorce the OM , his daughter, his ex wife and others will be summoned to testify.

Explain that you will be seeking a protection order to protect your child from her affair partner.

The time to do this? Probably after Chicago. I suspect she is just a piece of a** for the OM. She probably thinks he's her man but I doubt he feels the same. Otherwise he would be flying to see her now, not just making a booty call while on a trip in a motel.

Just continue Plan A. That will prepare you for future plan B

Hold on, I'm a little unclear here.

You say no contact has not been established? How do you know this, do you have evidence of contact?

And tell us more about this planned hookup. I went back through your thread but couldn't really piece together when and where they were planning to meet.

If there is a possibility of this rendevous taking place, then it is the time for the "stick" of plan A. You simply cannot allow it to take place.

If you stay at home taking care of the kids while she flies off to see OM, then you are telling her two things:

1) That you are a doormat, and that she can do this to you over and over again and you will just take it. All she has to do is threaten divorce to keep you in line.

2) That you don't care enough to stop her.

Find a way to keep her from going. Leave town yourself so she has no way to take care of the kids. Cancel her flight reservations? Have the whole family there to say goodbye if she tries to leave? I don't know, but she cannot go on that trip.

If she does go, then you have to make a stand. Pack her stuff, change the locks, be in plan B when she returns.

Is this trip of hers still planned?

You still have the plan to go there if she does go?

He has a plan for confronting her with a friend at the hotel

It is important that husbands do not leave the kids to try to keep the wife at home. I did this for a while during my wife's affair. She did get angry that she missed her booty calls LOL. But then I started staying home and she was leaving all the time. For days at a time. In the end the Court named her absence from the home as one of three reasons I was granted temporary full custody during divorce process. (which helped me secure custody after divorce ).
We can't control the actions of others. But this poster can control how involved he is with his children, etc.
Certainly hold her accountable for her actions.

No-Contact is a critical piece of restoring the marriage. If my WW wouldn't have agreed to NC (and I'd independently confirmed it), I'd be in Plan B right now, and headed for Plan D.

You are doing an excellent job with your Plan A and meeting her ENs right now; keep it up. Remember that Dr Harley advises 3 - 6 months of a husband meeting wife's ENs without getting your needs met back in return.

She will tell you she hates the stuff you are doing for her, but keep doing it anyway (outside of physical touching). No woman hates getting love notes, cards, gifts, and fresh coffee from her husband.

I have to agree with Schtoop on this one. I know you are planning to confront at the hotel but that makes me really nervous (maybe it's just a girl thing and you guys know better, I don't know I just don't want to see DSC get jammed up. I would give her the unltimatum before she walked out the door for this "booty call" and then if she continued to do so then do as stated above.

~RQ

I agree with Rocketqueen and I think confronting her at the hotel is a terrible idea.

I would confront her before the meeting and have a Plan B letter drafted and ready to send. If my WW went off to go hang out with OM, a Plan B letter would be waiting for her nailed to our apartment door and in her e-mail inbox, her parents and relatives would be notified, the lock would be changed, competent counsel would be retained, and finances would be adjusted in my favour to the extent legally permissible.

You also have a great shot at nailing her in the divorce for abandonment if this does go to Plan D. And she'll actually MISS YOU when she has to deal with living in an apartment by herself on one income whilst her OM is busy having one night stands with whomever he can pick up in a bar.

Well I know there hasnt been contact due to my spying tools put in place. She has drill in Wisconsin and we live in central Illinois her plan was to see him for 3 days in Chicago on the way to her drill. That was pre exposure and before she talked to the ex wife. I still left the spy tools in place and she claimed the triP was off. However I called the hotel to see if the reservations were cancelled and the reservations are still in place. I don't know what to think now. My mind is saying she still is but she says she isnt and knows the guy is a psycho. I still have the plan to confront at the hotel her mom is here will have her talk to the OM ex when I get home. I'm stuck like chuck on this one? Should I bring the issue up tonite or should I confront at the hotel?

When does she leave for the drill?

9-21-12

Bring up the issue tonight, how? What are you going to tell her?

- Please don't go to a hotel in Chicago to get [censored] by your sex-partner? It would bother me greatly!

- If you go to a hotel in Chicago to get [censored] by your sex-partner, you will have no home to return to, and I will divorce you!

- I'm sorry, you're not going to Chicago! (Said while "accidentally" dropping a cast-iron skillet on her foot!)

The first is likely to get laughed at. The second likely to be ignored. The third has possibilities....

Look, dude, she knows she shouldn't be getting plowed by another man; she knows it hurts you; she knows it is damaging to her family. She has had weeks to cancel her little rut-fest, and has instead given you the one-finger salute.

You have played by the "rules" imposed by modern culture. Well, it's likely you're going to continue by those rules into dissolution.

I stay with my advice. Confront at the hotel, create as much disruption as you can, and leave in her car. Let her hitch-hike to Wisconsin; she's likely to meet a better class of scumbag along the way.

...her plan was to see him for 3 days in Chicago on the way to her drill.

If she's leaving tomorrow, when does the drill stat?

Confront at the hotel.
Be a nice, loving plan A husband until then

That's correct tomorrow that's why I'm in panic mode. Doing our convo yesterday I told her that she is a good person making bad decisions and it's not too late for us to fix the marriage and I won't use the EA as a means to control her if she decides to repair our marriage. She brought it up and I just reassured my stance on it. When I called today to talk to her at lunch, part of the EN of affection, she reiterated that I remember what she said last nite. I asked why are you planning something that will hurt me? She said no kind of mysteriously. So my imagination is in overdrive with that and this tryst she has with this psycho.

And make sure you take your friend with you. He is still going with you, correct?

She brought up you controlling her?
I think you need to not engage in her "talk".
You need to say "I am willing to work with you to create a loving healthy marriage where both of our needs are met" and not discuss her babble.

From Coping with infidelity Part 3

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html







Does WW have an explanation as to why she is going 3 days early or has her plan changed at all?

The best way to fight would be to use NG's suggestion.. Have your friend with you and the camera on. Do it exactly the way he says. Do not loose your cool!


If she direspects all that has gone on and wont agree to a plan by continuing the A then do you really want to leave yourself open to further A's? Or remain in a crippled M? Beome a doormat?

nESRE

Came home from work and WW left a note. She ran off to Puerto Rico with our kids. Police can't help me. I don't know what to do. I think all the stress of her affair and the revelation sent her off to the deep end. I really suspect her mother took the kids to Puerto Rico and she is still here with planning on seeing that psycho. I'm so depressed, I don't understand how she could do this?! I'm plan A worked for the most part then boom she ups and leaves with our children and a note?! She called me crying saying she doing what's best for the kids. She did this out of revenge the A and taking our children from me. I don't know what to do