Hello all,

I am a first time poster on this site.

My wife recently requested a separation about 7 weeks ago and I am in a separate apartment a few miles from our prior home. We were married for 12 years and have two beautiful girls together. We have had no affairs or abuse but I know my failings: I am guilty of disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, being financially controlling, and being emotionally detached. I used to work long hours and I gave whatever I had left to my kids, so she was a distant third on the priority list. In return, she was very hard on me and now says that although she loves me, she is no longer in love with me. She also says she doesn't see us reconciling.

Today, we are to sign the separation agreement, which is going to be very difficult to do. I still very much love my wife and only now have seen the error in my ways.

For the past 5 weeks or so, I have been keeping communications pretty light. Mostly just trying to create positive, light interactions with my wife.

We have a 50-50 visitation schedule but I miss my kids very much. I can't believe I took my time with them and my wife for granted. Now I wish for the life I no longer have.

I believe I know her emotional needs: intimate conversation, passion/adventure, support, and being taken care of. I can't do too much about the last one in my current state but I am trying to figure out ways to hit the others now that we are separated.

We had previously planned to take a romantic getaway in mid-to-late October but are wondering whether it is still the right time for it. My gut tells me to revisit in about 7-10 days. If she isn't up for it, we can postpone. Part of me says that this separation agreement is a big step for her (demonstration of independence) and that once it is past us, there may be an opportunity for progress.

Any thoughts you have would be appreciated. Thank you very much.

Yikes don't sign a separation agreement. One of the vets will be along soon to explain to you what is going on with your wife. In the meantime sit tight and do nothing.

I'm sorry that you find yourself dealing with this.

I know you don't want to believe that your DW may be involved in an affair. But you have to rule out an affair if you want any chance for reconciliation. Have you done any snooping such as looking at phone records?

You sound like you want to save your marriage... move back home. Separation will only drive you further apart.

Thanks for replying.

I don't have any choice about moving back home. She doesn't want me there. I do want to save my marriage but I can only do so much. Ultimately, she has to want to reconcile too.

I don't see much choice in not signing the separation agreement. It is one of the few things I have done that seems to be meeting her needs. I am in a world of hurt right now. It's so hard.

Have you snooped to rule out an affair? Your DW is saying all the right things to make me suspect one.

Leaving your home makes it look like YOU abandoned the family... tt doesn't matter that you left on her request.

I haven't specifically but I don't think she has had one. She has always been very honest with me. Neither of us have, although I have been emotionally unavailable.

I know it may seem that I am abandoning the family but my daughters know that I still love my wife. It's difficult in any case.

No good answers right now.

What I meant to say is that every choice is imperfect.

Sir have you read His Needs Her Needs by Dr Bill Harley?
You need a plan and Marriage Builders is a plan to get your marriage fixed.
It is hard work.
Are you willing to do this?

I have read it and Love Busters. I am trying to avoid the love busters and work on depositing units but it is difficult.

I am willing to do whatever it takes.

Well the first thing you need to do is move back home.
You cannot deposit love bank units while separated.
You need to move back today. When the kids are there.

And you do not sign the separation agreement.
Instead you tell your wife : "I am willing to work with you to create a loving healthy marriage where both of our needs are met".
If she starts complaining offer her a cup of coffee.do not argue with her.

Make sure you move in today while your kids are there. Say you missed them and will never leave them again.

Start packin now if you want to save your marriage

Move back home without warning and tell her that you made a mistake by moving out. You will NOT abandon your family and are willing to do whatever it takes to save this marriage.

You need to find the strength to fight scaredandconfused. 7 weeks of separation have only brought you closer to signing separation papers.

That will only infuriate her. I believe, truly, that signing the separation agreement will give her some relief to consider reconciliation. If I don't sign it, it will send her into an orbit. We are headed for serious drama. I believe I have met some of her needs recently by making this easier on her.

I am in no way giving up on us, however. She has said to her friends that she really needs this. Really needs the papers. Afterwards, she may be willing to consider working together.

I hate this too. My stomach is in knots, I am not eating well, I am having trouble concentrating, but I need to show her that I trust her. I do.

I am just not giving up on us. Never will. I know that this is hard on her too. She hates not having her kids 50% of the time, as do I. No great choices here.

Plan Doormat will not save your marriage. I'm sorry to be harsh...

Appeasing her has only gotten you closer to losing your family.

I plan to discuss my needs at an appropriate time. Perhaps the break will cause us to both reset. If I fight now, she will turn her back on me forever, I believe. The space, right now, will allow her to reflect.

She has already reached out a bit to find out what I think about where we went wrong. She also knows I want to reconcile, I just haven't been reminding her of my feelings because it's counterproductive. I have instead been keeping my communications light and frivolous in order to remind her that I can be funny and charming, like I used to be.

I appreciate the thoughts, though. Agree that there is big risk here.

Sir you do have a choice.
And please don't speak for your wife. She can speak for herself and her feelings.

You can either follow the MB plan or get divorced. She is in withdrawal and she doesn't want to work on your marriage. You judge peoples actions. Not their words.

You need to demonstrate you ARE willing to fight for your marriage by actions.
As for your kids, what horrible example are you showing them? That marriage is a matter of convenience? You need to be the father they need so they don't just view you as a spineless victim.

That knot in your stomach? Sir could that possibly be your conscience?

Your wife wanted to separate because of LB's and being emotionally detached. The longer you stay away, the longer she believes that you actually don't care to fight to win her back. Us women are not as complicated as popular media would like to make it to be - we really do just want our husbands to defend us like a knight on horseback. Right now, after that many weeks of separation, you take every day closer to proving her that you actually don't care.

So move back. She may be angry that day, or that week - but not with continued weeks of dedication to changing the behavior that originally caused the separation. Prove to her that you are willing to change - you cannot do this from some other apartment.

[quote=scaredandconfuse]I plan to discuss my needs at an appropriate time. Perhaps the break will cause us to both reset. If I fight now, she will turn her back on me forever, I believe. The space, right now, will allow her to reflect.

She has already reached out a bit to find out what I think about where we went wrong. She also knows I want to reconcile, I just haven't been reminding her of my feelings because it's counterproductive. I have instead been keeping my communications light and frivolous in order to remind her that I can be funny and charming, like I used to be. [quote/]

Your plan is about as productive as banging your head against the wall.
Marriage Builders is developed by a National Expert on marriages and relationships. Dr Harley is regarded as an expert. You are basically just saying that you don't want to follow the experts advice.