That's great

tc that's awesome!

Sure, ask and you shall receive . Let me tell you about chemistry and me... When I first started dating after my divorce, I was mostly using Match to meet women, since I didn't come into regular contact with single women through my everyday activities. Well, as you know, the first thing you see on Match (as on most sites) is the photo. So naturally my initial filter was "looks". And not being a dope, I went for the "lookers" - after that initial filter, I would read the profiles to see if they sounded like good matches for me.

Well, as I started meeting some of these women, the ones who were the easiest on the eye got my attention the most. And if they happened to be sweet, intelligent, and said all the right things, well that usually shot the chemistry right through the roof. The two problems with that were that I too easily dismissed the women who may not have been as stunning as others, and I was too willing to accept the wrong matches because of the "chemistry". So on my first few attempts, I met women with whom I had great chemistry, had a few great dates, and then made the mistake of becoming involved in exclusive relationships - only to find out that they had issues that I did not want to deal with, but by then I was already sort of involved.

I was regularly (and deservedly) beat up here by folks who told me that I should not be spouse shopping, but just going out and meeting women casually. I fought them tooth and nail (I'm a slow learner), saying that I knew what I wanted and if I saw it, I didn't need to date others... But of course I just kept getting involved too soon, instead of approaching dating more casually.

So eventually I listened and joined Eharmony. They still had the photos of course, and I did not bother with those women I found totally unattractive (AS is important to me) - but I became much more focused on personality over looks (I know, how obvious is that?). Bear in mind, this is about 7 years after my divorce - like I said, I'm a slow learner.

I started being more casual in my dating. I had read some good books about dating, and was really focusing on compatibility instead of chemistry. Do we have the same hobbies, the same values, the same interests, the same views, the same energy levels.. None of these are chemistry, but chemistry without these things is worthless.

I met my now-wife, J, on Eharmony... J was not the most stunning woman out there, but I had long ago given up on beautiful women, as they all seemed to have issues (no offense to the beautiful ladies out there). But J had the sweet girl-next-door type looks, a beautiful smile, and intelligent eyes. So I gave her a try. Because I typically had 3-5 women that I was communicating with at any one time, my initial e-mail to her called her by the wrong name, a name of another one of my matches. Ooops. Well, good news is that J had a sense of humor and this mistake got me noticed.

We settled on a coffee date pretty quickly - she did not want to invest much time in e-dating, and we never even talked on the phone before meeting for coffee. Our conversation was wonderful, she striked me as an intelligent, self-aware, well adjusted, calm, and normal kind of a lady, with many interests that matched mine. So our coffee turned to dinner, and I enjoyed our time way more than I expected.

I still had 4 or so matches that I was pursuing, and I had a few coffee dates here and there, while meeting J about once a week. It made for a great comparison - in fact, there was one woman I was in contact with who qualified for "off the charts e-mail chemistry" - she was gorgeous, she was flirty, she said all the right things, and if it hadn't been for J, I probably would have gone to meet her. But by then I was realizing that J had everything I wanted, and I did not see the need to go meet someone else. That's when I decided to become exclusive with J, although we never actually discussed the concept - it just became clear to both of us that we wanted to focus on each other. But this was after about 3 months of dating, and I think that committment to exclusivity was justified.

So in summary, I had met many women with chemistry but without the compatibility. With J, it was the other way around - the compatibility was perfect, and the chemistry that followed was off the charts too - I would have never expected to develop chemistry based on compatibility, but that is exactly how it worked.

Anyway, I hope this helps explain why I am a big proponent of dating several people casually, and not jumping into any relationship feet first based just on "chemistry".

AGG

Wow AGG! That belongs on MY notable post list! Thanks for sharing that.

Hypothetically speaking, if you had met J on Match when you first started dating, do you think the results would've been the same?

Sadly, probably not.. Then again, maybe that's good - had I seen her then, I would not have been ready for her and would have let her slip through my fingers. But since I met her when I did, I was ready for her, and knew I had a gem on my hands .

AGG

Thanks for your insight AGG. For those of us who are not as many years removed from our divorces, what's difficult, at least for me, is that if I meet someone I like, I fight this internal battle that says on the one hand, I should be dating casually to see what's out there, vs. on the other hand, she might be the equivalent of your J and I don't want to "let her slip through my fingers."

Seven years seems like a long time. I hope it doesn't take that long to be ready for "the one."

Another comment of yours,

makes me think I should keep my dating experiences to myself (I had a date last weekend where 2 hours turned into 6, we made some plans for next weekend, and I already feel the beginning of the internal battle I mentioned above; but this is TC's thread, so I'll leave it at that!)

I'm probably like you in that I'll be a slow learner, and as much as I appreciate your advice, something tells me this will be one of those lessons I'll have to learn by trial-and-error. Why can't we simply listen to good advice and follow it? I don't know, part of human nature perhaps?

At any rate, your advice is well-taken and I'm sure will influence my decision-making process. Thanks and I hope others benefit as well.

Sure, that's always a possibility (look at opt's example!), which is why I started out having relationships instead of dating casually - I figured I didn't need to date around if I found someone who was "the one" for me. But I guess my picker was off, because I kept picking women who turned out to be wrong for me. Whereas by the time I met J, I pretty much knew from the start that she was the one - but I continued to meet some other women casually until the time that I was actually sure that J was the one. Dating casually does NOT preclude you from building a relationship with someone you think may be better suited for you than the others - it just keeps you balanced. If someone you meet starts pressing for exclusivity early on, that would be a red flag for me.


Absolutely, most of us are like that, and I would not want you to do things (or not do things) just because someone on the internet advised you to . We all have to learn for ourselves, even if through the school of hard knocks!


Anytime!

AGG

All kinds of things happening in the land of Travis since I last posted. Well... maybe not all kinds of things but certainly a few noteworthy updates:

School is progressing swimmingly; I signed up for two more classes for the late fall semester and I "should" be good to go, done with everything next May. I can see it... that light at the end of the tunnel. Only I'll be proceeding directly into another tunnel called grad school! lol

The kiddos are doing really well. Aside from a few minor issues with dishonesty, I think they're pretty happy and healthy. I got a chance to see how they are living at their mother's house and I'm not impressed though. Dirty house, dirty rooms - they tell me that it bothers them living like that. I just have to let them know that they have a responsibility to keep their rooms clean at their mother's house, just like they do at mine. I'm big on personal responsibility and honesty so... they're learning. It's a tough thing to teach other than by example.

I've managed to see A a few more times since I last posted. She really is an amazing woman. Smart, sarcastic, funny, quick witted, affectionate, a good mother, a incredibly hard worker... I really like this one a lot. Trying my darnedest to just enjoy this because it really is a whole ton of fun. It's truly amazing spending time with an attractive woman who meets so many of my needs and wants. I'm referring to that checklist that we all do up after we divorce regarding what we want in a future relationship, not EN's per say although she meets quite a few of my needs there as well.

Something that is taking some getting used to is that she is extremely independent financially. I guess I'm used to paying for everything so when she took me out for dinner and drinks last night, it was a really nice change of pace. For her part, I was the first guy to buy her dinner since she was divorced. Makes me wonder where manners and chivalry went. In any case, it's nice to be with someone who doesn't "need" me in that way. Different yet liberating.

I'm meeting her two girls (11yo and 14yo) tomorrow. I've met them in passing when I picked her up the other night but tomorrow I'm going with her and her daughters (and several of her daughter's friends) to Six Flags for the eldest girl's 14th birthday. I'm excited and yet a bit nervous. Most of all, I'm looking forward to a really great day with a wonderful woman. Haven't been to an amusement park in years!



Travis

Have fun Travis.

Enjoy this time. Be the great guy that you are and her DDs will see that.

Have fun on the rides.

Travis,

Sounds good on the situation with A; I would just caution you about the involvement with kids. I'll be the first to say that I introduced my kids to my dates too early when I started out, so I don't want to come across as a hypocrite. But as I was looking back, I realized that slow is better.

AGG

Thanks Brain, it was a really great time! It ended up being a whole weekend thing in that she invited me over Saturday night to hang out with her and the girls and then we did the Six Flags thing on Sunday which was really cool. They're all adrenaline junkies and I managed to hang in there with them ride for ride even if I was just a wee bit queezy at the end of the day.

So... yeah. It was a really great weekend. I got along with her kids very well and there didn't appear to be any issues. Had a blast and loved spending essentially almost the entire weekend with her and her daughters.

Travis

I definitely understand where you're going with this AGG. I've thought about this long and hard; I am having a hard time striking that balance in this aspect. In regard to her kids, she was comfortable having them meet me because as she put it, "it's not their first rodeo" in regard to her dating and they're old enough to know what her and I spending time together means. They're her kids and she definitely knows best in that arena; I was comfortable with it and would never gainsay per point of view.

In regard to my kids, they're a bit younger and haven't done this whole "dating" thing with me. With their mother, yes but not me. So... I'm being a bit conservative. "A" and I have talked about this in brief and she's comfortable with what I'm comfortable with. I haven't talked about this in specifics with her yet because she knows that meeting my kids is a bit further off in the future as long as everything keeps going the way it's going but I've started to think about the particulars a bit.

She and I are both going on separate vacations in Oct. The kids and I are going to DC to visit friends the week of the 6th and she's leaving on her own vacation with her kids the weekend I get back. So... I'm thinking of POJAing with her about meeting them with my initial request of timeframe to be after we're both back and settled down a bit, during the last two weeks of the month. She and I will have been seeing each other a month and a half by that point. I "think" that is a good time frame. I want to ensure she and my kids are going to be "ok" together without any huge issues. I think that's an important aspect of this. That and testing out POJA this early on would be a good exercise for the both of us in communication and negotiation.

Thoughts anybody?

Travis

A good rule of thumb is to introduce the children once you have been dating for 6 months and your relationship has progressed to the point where you are dating exclusively. That way your children avoid potentially bonding with people only to see them disappear but you still get a chance to observe carefully how that interaction works before it is too late.

Travis, I introduced my kids as soon as I had a good gut feeling my boyfriend was a "keeper." I think you'll have a pretty good idea by the month-end. That was good for me because it made sure I stopped wasting time with folks once I saw they weren't a keeper.

Somehow I really don't like how that sounds, but like you said, they are her kids, she can decide... You of course get to decide what that means to you... Example - my first post-divorce relationship was with a woman who had the mindset that the adults might as well meet the kids ASAP, since there is no sense investing time in the relationship if things with kids didn't work out. She sort of guilted me by saying that I was sheltering my kids from the "real world", and that her approach of dragging her 2 yo on dates was more realistic, blah blah. Anyway, in hindsight that was a mistake. So maybe I am just reacting poorly to this "first rodeo" comment because of my past experiences, I dunno. I just don't like to think of kids being dragged into too many different dating experiences as something to strive for.

Again, everyone has their own approach, but my suggestion would be to hold off on involving kids until a few months of dating have passed.

AGG

That seems real early to me

living_well - I certainly understand the bonding with someone who may not be there in the future concept. I've already reached that exclusivity part... although I understand that some on here may not agree with that. Neither of us is dating other people. I told her after the second date that I was interested in her enough that I had "hid" my match profile but that she in no way should feel obligated to reciprocate. I had zero issues with a lack of exclusivity at that point and didn't expect it. She had done the same thing already.

So the thought process was that I liked her enough that I wanted to focus on seeing how it went with her. That's what made sense to me and I sort of fell into that mind frame because I was talking to other women and had dates... I just was no longer interested. I hadn't intended on doing it that way but honest to goodness, I just stopped being interested in other people after date #2. Probably doesn't make any sense at all but that's where I'm at.

I like you're thought process on this one and I'm inclined to agree. I'm going to think on it some more. I want to do right thing for everyone.

AGG - You're right, I can decide what it means to me. At this point it's not a negative because I'm not getting pressured to introduce them to her. Quite the opposite in that she's advising caution when it comes to my little ones due to their age and relative newness to the post-divorce dating process. I can't fault her for that and I can't fault her for knowing her kids.

I'll think about the time-frame and see how it goes over the next couple of weeks before I talk to her about it. Right now, I just want to spend time with her and don't see kids as a whole as an extension of the dating process as the woman you dated seemed to think. I do think that the kids are an important aspect at some point though. This deserves some more thought.

Do your kids know you're dating?

What do they think?