If you love your wife and want to stay married, you will need to change. She does not love you and she wants out of the marriage. That's what people have been saying over and over in their posts. To stay married, you must change. Otherwise, separate and maybe divorce.

AM

She told the pastor today that the only starting point to any kind of reconciliation was that I, at a minimum, admit that the friendships (at the best) look bad and any reasonable person would think that something was wrong. Then I have to realize how badly she's been hurt. Then I can have no other friends...none.

I have already given up my friends.

But she also said that this would be a sort of peace but not really healing for her. If I'm innocent, what else could I do????

Match.com Dating profile for MSAccused

MSAccused
50 year old fella

Promises the following experience to any candidates:

1. No recreation - I don't recreate

2. Will go to church but don't ask me to sit by you

3. I won't dance with you at dances

4. I do not show affection - I am not affectionate

5. a horrible conversationalist

6. At social functions, you go your way, I'll go mine. I like to talk to people and I can talk to you another time. I like talking to people so leave me alone!

7. This is how I am and if you don't like it, buzz off!

I know the ladies would just line up at the door to get a piece of that action!!

ML, you are a mean, mean person. But, in spite of myself, I busted up laughing.

MB people can make you look so bad.

Goodnight.

Do none of it!! Tell her to buzz off! You ARE innocent, after all! You have a right to be YOU. Stand up for your rights!

From your first post: "We've been in a fight for years" One minute your wife is always angry and now she has always seemed happy. The marriage seemed ok to you...nevermind the years of fighting and your angry wife supposedly constantly flipping out on you. Which is it?

Hmmmmmmmmm

Swoon...sign me up!!

You know, we will never care for our own husbands after reading this! They can't compete!! Where can I get some of that action. Hold me back!! pant, pant....

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

I watched my FIL treat my MIL for 30 years like this. Always right know matter how wrong he was. Being right was more important than the happiness of his wife. His friends both male or female always seemed more important.

Very Indpendant Behavior with it. At times he would drive out in the morning-be gone all day and never say a word as to his where abouts or what he did that day-sometimes days. MIL would find out FIL had been here or there from others. He had many female friends too. Never sure if he talked about his M to them or not.

At social events he had time for anybody else except my MIL.

I only saw them kiss once in 30 years and that was at the insitance for a photo at their 40th wedding anniversery from all of us kids. Never ever saw them hold hands or playful affection. Saw them dance together once.

At one time she confided in me as to how hurt she was. It was a conversation we had traveling that was never to leave the car. She broke down and sobbed how it was all her fault and she was never good enough and had know idea how to make it better. She was at the end of her rope but too old to start over or be on her own again.

They are still married yet today. I see no change in what has always been. No true happiness either. At 67 years old she still goes to work fulltime and a lot of weeks overtime. I don't even question why. She is only now starting to think about retiring. If she does she will loose a life where the people respect her and treat her with decency.

What has she got to sit at home for? Hasn't there got to be more than just waiting to die?


Independant Behavior all these years kept them from truely being close. As pointed out by other posters read about this on the site. It is under the LoveBusters (things that decrease your LB balance) section.







Since pastors, church, and such have been brought up do you see that you are to be the body of Christ here on earth? Where does that fit into the present treatment of your W?

There is a lot of reading here on the site that you need to get to. You may want to read up on the LoveBusters first so you can quit those. Also (and this may be edited out) a good book to read would be Tender Warrior-God's Intention For A Man by Stu Weber. This may be a good starting point as a guidepost to what your W is looking for from you as a christian husband. It may be what she has dreamed of and is wishing for in her christian life.

nESRE


PS:Hint-The book is about you putting down YOUR PRIDE and leading the M with Bible principles. Its very complimnetary to the MB's program. Its all full of Bible verses to back up what the author wrote.

MS: from left field, but hopefully helpful. As Melody, Armymama and so many others have asked...WHY would your wife want to stay married to you? That is not a rhetorical question.

Let us know literally. What value do you bring to your marriage? We might ask the same of your wife, but she is not here, is she? You are, so let's start with you.

Answer the questions, and then the folks here will help you with Emotional Needs and what you and your wife are missing. Have you read everything on this website? If not, start there if you are serious. It'll be about 4 hours of your time to really read everything and absorb the MB concept. It'll be the best 4 hours you will ever spend. Trust me. Read one hour...and come back then and tell me it's a waste of time?

Oh, and before you respond with how you will "try to and, thanks", your ship is on fire...sinking AND burning..., sir.

Would you like to dabble in investments in water?

This is my inlaws marriage exactly too. He does as he pleases and completely ignores her.

If MS had used any British English words I would have been convinced it was my FIL. He is always saying 'Ive been like this for years' 'My friends think it's OK' etc...

I know my MIL is desperately unhappy and thinks of leaving. Whenever she voices these feelings he dismisses them as 'angry' or 'jealous'. He really does think she will never leave such a catch!

Now the kids are all gone though, she is saving up for a separation. He is still utterly clueless.

I know that if she were here reading, she would agree that she needs to leave. All her excuses for him have run out.

She says things like this too.



MS's wife knows that he thinks he should be able to float along without putting much effort in. She gets it now. Which is why I think MS won't be her problem for too much longer.



But you aren't innocent. You are a neglectful, abusive husband who puts pretty much everybody, male and female ahead of his own wife.

That popularity contest wont keep you warm at night when your wife leaves you. They probably dont even like you all that much. The people you listen to arent honest, because when people are honest with you, you dont listen.

I don't know how it came to this. I don't think I'm doing anything so different from years past. My wife seems unreachable.She says she snapped.She thinks I'll mistreat her untill the day she dies. I don't think I mistreat her, she gives as good as she gets. She's been pretty hard on me, too. I honestly don't know how we got here. I've been trying.

Well, dude, it may be too late (the ladies here can speak to that better than I), but you have landed in the right place.

WE KNOW!

If you'll stop telling us we're wrong, and try listening to what is being said, and actually implementing the advice, your situation may be recoverable.

It may be difficult - for you to start the process, and for her to trust the new you - but until the divorce gavel comes down, the marriage has a chance.

But in the wise words of Confucius:
When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging, dude!

Check this page out! Its awesome.

You don't seem to have read any of the basic concepts on this site yet and here is a good place to start

(read the entire page)

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

I told you exactly what to do. Did you even bother to read my posts? Honestly, you sound too lazy to fix this.

It doesn't matter how you interpret your friendships with other women. You can interpret them differently from your wife and us, if you like. The question is still "what do I do?" And the answer is on this site, and I helpfully gave you pointers in my posts to you yesterday. I spent a lot of time on them, and I'd like to think I wasn't wasting my time.

Please don't ask "What do I do?" again. It is a waste of time to keep asking when you've already been told. Let me know when you decide to actually get busy with my suggestions, and I will be happy to lend a hand!

This program is not for lazy husbands who expect to be spoonfed. You will have to pick up a book. You will have to do some reading. And that is the easy part. If you are too lazy to do even that, we cannot help you. Your wife will never feel better, and your marriage will probably fail.

But, hey, at least you'll be right, and your pastor will agree with you! That's something, right?

If you'll stop telling us we're wrong, and try listening to what is being said, and actually implementing the advice, your situation may be recoverable. - NG

Please don't ask "What do I do?" again. It is a waste of time to keep asking when you've already been told. Let me know when you decide to actually get busy - Markos

Well, MSA, you've done what many folks on this site have long felt impossible: You've managed to get Markos and myself giving you virtually the same advice on an emotional, highly-charged issue.

Take the extended hands of help, dude, or slap them away and proceed on your current, destructive, course. The question before you really is that simple. For your wife's sake, if not for yours, I hope you "get with the program".

Ditto.

High five, NG.