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Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1
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Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2012
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Hello all - this is my first post so....
Me and my wife have been married for 4.5 years! We have had our ups and downs and have had our issues. 5 weeks ago she decided to open a new checking and savings account and took half of our money our of our joint account and put it into her personal account. She did this all without telling me. Then over labor day weekend I went up to my cabin and when I returned home I noticed a lot of stuff missing. I confronted her and she told me she was done and was not going to be staying at home anymore. Prior to this we had been in counseling for approximately 8 months. She is now living with a friend aproximately 30 miles away from home closer to where she works. This friend is currently going through a divorce with her husband. My wife still talks with me and some days she is positive and others completely negative.
I know I screwed up and caused the majority of this. I was dishonest about smoking and tried to hide it for a long time. I was controlling and i abused her emotionally. A lot of the emotional abuse and controlling was done unconscioussly and I was not aware I was even doing it. She had brought it to my attention in the past, but i never believed her. After looking stuff up and having tie to find myself I realize the hurt I caused her by emotionally abusing her and trying to controling her. I have several mental health issues I am trying to overcome which I just descovered which include insomnia, anxeity (PSTD, OCD, and other anxeity stuff) and depression. I am still going to our counselor but my wife does not want to go together right now. My counselor seems more wanting to work seperately and has so far refused to work on our marriage with me or her either seperately or together.
I love my wife dearly and I know I need to change my ways and battle the deamons inside of me. I want to be the husband she deservs.
Does anyone have any advise or suggestions as to how I can get her back in my life? I know its not going to happen overnight because our marriage did not get to this point in one night and it is going to take longer to fix probably than what it took to get us here in the first place!
Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!!!
THANK YOU If you have any questions about my situation please ask and I can address them without problem - I have become a much more open person lately and I am not afraid to share my issues!
THANK YOU
KST
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574 Likes: 1
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574 Likes: 1 |
KST, welcome to MB. There is hope, families do come back from this. Have you read this article? This situation is a little different, but your wife sounds reconciliatory, different from the woman who is "done." Is that the sense you get too? Abusive Marriage #2How to Return to Your Home
I commend you for moving out of your home to let your wife return with your girls. That was a very caring and appropriate first step on your part. But now that she is at home, respect her privacy as if it were not your home anymore. Visit your wife only when she has invited you -- do not visit her unannounced. And when you do visit, be sure she is comfortable having you there. In advance of your visit, ask your wife to set a time limit so that she will know when you will be leaving, and stick to it. If she becomes uncomfortable before the time is over, and asks you to leave earlier than planned, leave graciously and immediately.
Right now, your wife has very mixed feelings about you. She remembers what it was you did that caused her to leave you, and is still afraid that you will continue to do it. Let her take whatever time she needs to gain her trust in you.
You have taken the first step toward reconciliation by trying to make your wife's life more comfortable, even though you had to move out to make that possible. The next step is to discover what you have been doing that has made her life so miserable. So I would try to get as much information from her as possible about what she considers to be abuse on your part. Whatever she thinks is abuse, learn to stop doing it....
Your wife wants you to be home with her and your daughters. But she also wants to feel comfortable with you living there. In most cases like yours, a wife invites her husband back home too soon, before he has had time to prove his ability to protect her from his bad habits. Don't worry about her waiting too long to ask you to return. It's more likely that she will ask you to return before you are ready. So use the time that you are living away from your wife wisely, eliminating the habits that drove her away from you, and mastering the new habits that will make her life more enjoyable. I'm sure that without any encouragement from you at all, you will be living with her again very soon. And when you return, your wife and your daughters will welcome a man who has learned to protect them all from his abusive habits.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
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Does anyone have any advise or suggestions as to how I can get her back in my life?
Actually, yes. First, start working to eliminate all of this:
I was dishonest about smoking and tried to hide it for a long time. I was controlling and i abused her emotionally....She had brought it to my attention in the past, but i never believed her. I have several mental health issues I am trying to overcome which I just discovered which include insomnia, anxeity (PSTD, OCD, and other anxeity stuff) and depression.
Second, keep her advised about your progress, but not along the lines of "How'm I doing? Will you come home?" Ask her to give you a list of the behaviors that pained her (there might be some you don't even know of).
You have a lot on your plate, but it's all things you can (with help) address and correct.
Fix yourself first; fixing your marriage can only follow that task.
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Joined: Nov 2011
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Your counselor wants you to be healthy before she counsels you two together.
So work on self improvement.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
How did you abuse her specifically?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Does anyone have any advise or suggestions as to how I can get her back in my life? Maybe this can help: How to Win Back a Wife Who Has Fled by Dr. Willard Harley.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
Hello all - this is my first post so....
Me and my wife have been married for 4.5 years! We have had our ups and downs and have had our issues. 5 weeks ago she decided to open a new checking and savings account and took half of our money our of our joint account and put it into her personal account. She did this all without telling me. Then over labor day weekend I went up to my cabin and when I returned home I noticed a lot of stuff missing. I confronted her and she told me she was done and was not going to be staying at home anymore. Prior to this we had been in counseling for approximately 8 months. She is now living with a friend aproximately 30 miles away from home closer to where she works. This friend is currently going through a divorce with her husband. My wife still talks with me and some days she is positive and others completely negative.
I know I screwed up and caused the majority of this. I was dishonest about smoking and tried to hide it for a long time. I was controlling and i abused her emotionally. A lot of the emotional abuse and controlling was done unconscioussly and I was not aware I was even doing it. She had brought it to my attention in the past, but i never believed her. After looking stuff up and having tie to find myself I realize the hurt I caused her by emotionally abusing her and trying to controling her. I have several mental health issues I am trying to overcome which I just descovered which include insomnia, anxeity (PSTD, OCD, and other anxeity stuff) and depression. I am still going to our counselor but my wife does not want to go together right now. My counselor seems more wanting to work seperately and has so far refused to work on our marriage with me or her either seperately or together.
I love my wife dearly and I know I need to change my ways and battle the deamons inside of me. I want to be the husband she deservs.
Does anyone have any advise or suggestions as to how I can get her back in my life? I know its not going to happen overnight because our marriage did not get to this point in one night and it is going to take longer to fix probably than what it took to get us here in the first place!
Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!!!
THANK YOU If you have any questions about my situation please ask and I can address them without problem - I have become a much more open person lately and I am not afraid to share my issues!
THANK YOU
KST Do you think you could give 1 or 2 examples of your controlling and abusive habits? Do you know why her friend is getting divorced? How often do you spend overnight trips away from your wife?
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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