Okay. I can answer all. I would leave. I would try to be polite in each situation, but would likely just scupper and explain to the others involved later.

As for work... this is problematic, as the admin staff are not the best at getting customers to announce themselves. And in my line of work that is shocking, but hey ho. To address this, I need to address political aspects. It will not happen.

Unless I explain I have personal reasons... then maybe they would screen better. But to go into that on the off chance Gollum will attempt contact... he seems pretty content without it TBH. But I guess the A is okay at the moment, and a wayward can change once things go south.

IDK, he doesn't seem the worst of the wayward bunch... I seem to have escaped the usual wayward attempts at cakeeating, maybe I will not have to face the contact?

Sigh, I should not base my decision on predicting his actions. I know. I can only control my actions.

The SIL was furious too.

Actually said to my mother... "how dare Gollum go behind Caracal's back, Horse Ho will never be part of my family". Sadly, this SIL has not had any contact with Gollum during the A.

I know why. The relationship was strained as Gollum disapproved of her life (and partner) choices. Largely because her relationship reputedly started as an A and she remains unmarried with four children. Her partner is not of good character (he has abandoned her several times).

Now Gollum is no better than the partner he despised.

What hurts... I emailed one of the SIL's yesterday who contacted to ask how I was. Still no response. It really is easier for them to ignore me, and pretend their brother is honourable and Horse Ho has replaced me.

First off......hugs, hugs, hugs.

Next off......may that child have peace and create a good life for itself over time. It didn't ask to be part of the drama.

Lastly.......we are here for you. We totally are.

Ouch, and what a jerk.

ditto

Caracal - lots of hugs in this yucky time.

I was reading your post about temptation and I've been through such a similar situation: friend brings friend along on an outting. Cute guy, so my unmet needs go on strike. I forgot these feelings were still in there.

Caracel, First, hugs to you! I hope you took Friday off and have a good distracting weekend underway. Second...I think it might help if you tighten up you plan B. you don't need all this contact with his relatives right now and if it gets back to him it might confuse his wayward little mind that you're waiting in the wings. Remember your Art of War, when weak, appear strong! Remember if he does come back to your town he has to live with the truth of his actions glaring at him. He is the one who didn't bother to get a divorce and now has this child out of wedlock. He can never fix that.

About whether the child was "planned" I think you need to end that line of thought...you 'll never know the truth because likely his wayward mind wasn't and still isn't capable of the kind of planning you're thinking of. There may not be an actual answer to that question, so you're wondering about the unknowable. Time to let his craziness go and re-embrace your own freedom and growth. It is a blessing that you are free of him, that you didn't initiate recovery and then get faced with an OC, that you are free of that man and his insanity. Time to see the good in all this... You are still young enough to go forward and have a family with someone who actually wants an intact family. There are thirty dates ahead for you . Let thoughts of the baby go, the child will have his own path.

FWIW, my wayward first husband married his affair partner and had a child with her, who is ironically about six months older than my son. I've met the little fellow (I'm not in plan B with ex, just oh so happily detached). He has so many sadnesses in his life that he cannot quite explain. I also have a half sister who was the child of my father's affair partner. Both have faced the demise of the parents' affairages and suffered. Don't be envious of any of them...have pity that a child was brought into their messy lives and if anything, pray that the child can somehow be whole regardless. In my experience these children need all the help they can get with a family founded on lies and selfishness.

But I only say all that to help you detach from it all...try to find your own separate peace again. You can get past this difficult time!

People in affairs rarely use protection and aren't thinking about the future of a child (or much of anything else). If they did talk about having kids, it would be the same type of conversation as impulsively going to a pet store and buying a puppy.

I wouldn't reach much into it. Affairs aren't really planned ahead. And during my WW's A she did exceptionally little planning for D, even though she wanted it to be final quite badly. Affairees live in the next five minutes and dream up implausible futures for themselves.

Stay strong with Plan B. Do you have an IM?

Thanks all for the support.

Jen... your words helped empower me. Keep me on the right path and all of that, so thank you. I struggle with detaching and your words help. I want the A to fail, despite the innocent OC. Which makes me feel awful when I think of the OC's life, so it is best not to think along these lines. You are right.

Q... yes I have an IM. Gollum no longer uses her, all of our correspondance is now through solicitors.

reading... thank you. Knowing that MB'ers have seen me at my raging and grieving worst, and still offer support means a lot.

Thanks for popping back in, Caracel, how are you doing? How's the house going? Any progress on the divorce? I want to see you free of Gollum and his baggage

Hahaha Jen, SO DO I!!!

Big progress on all fronts this week.

I got served the D papers yesterday. For the first hour I felt punched in the gut. Largely just that he has not for one instant TRIED or had an ounce of compassion.

But by the afternoon... this is weird, but I felt lightened. Like an end was in sight, like I have fought the battle, and sure the victory is not what I had envisaged, but I still feel victorious. I feel some sadness, some confusion... but overall I feel relieved.

I went out with my parents last night for dinner. And raised my glass and announced it. My mother grinned like a cheshire cat and I joined her. It is odd, because I don't think D is something to be celebrated. But even today, I still feel like my future is bright, and something to look forward to. That I will be free of him in a months time.

Looking back, I can see that much of the burden has been of my own doing... I have so struggled to let go. Now that I am feeling relief I wonder if the D will help me stop being such a buyer. I really feel like something has clicked in my head. I am sure I will still have ups and downs, that is D, but I can sense a change in my thinking and self-talk. For now anyway.

Oh, and one thing that shows the foggy wayward... he got my DOB wrong on the application. Trying to make me younger... I checked, it won't invalidate anything so I am not bothering to address it.

I still have to get through the property settlement. Gollum has a legal appointment today, so I hope this will speed things along. Never underestimate the enemy though.

My house... I had a meeting with the site supervisor today. Cant remember my last update, but it now has the roof tiles on. The windows should go in tomorrow. The plumbing and wiring is done. And the bricking should start next week! I am super excited now.

China is less than 3 weeks away and I am really looking forward to my first holiday since this all began. Work is busy, trying to get everything organised as we are also having an audit soon. I will have certainly earned the holiday by then!

Hi Car, I am so happy you are finding peace!!!
Great update

Cara I know receiving the D papers was not easy and you have many mixed emotions. You are doing so well and it's great you are positive and see that you do have a wonderful life ahead of you .... it's already beginning with your new house!

Don't be too hard on yourself, you didn't place the burden on yourself, Gollum's selfish actions were responsible. It's not easy to let go and shows not only that you are human but that you are a loving caring person who valued their marriage ... you can be proud knowing that you did everything you could. You have grown personally and have a wealth of MB principles to help you lead a happy successful life. Your future looks wonderful ... WOW how quickly the house is progressing almost at lock up stage and China in 3 weeks. Can't wait to hear about your trip and see the pics.

I took my camera out yesterday, intending to take it to the shop to get it cleaned. After charging the battery, I popped a memory card in so I could take a photo of the sky to check for suspected dust on the sensor.

Since I have not cleared any of my memory cards, up popped a picture of Gollum in Africa.

My reaction was disconcerting. I was looking at someone I used to know so well, and the memories associated with the photo are happy ones, but I just questioned if I ever really knew him.

It was sort of like looking at a stranger, but with deja vu as he reminded me of someone.

I quickly flipped through some of the other photos on the card, the rest were of wildlife and I chuckled as I remembered some happy memories. What an absolute idiot he is.

I can feel myself healing and finally... I think detatching. I still have a ways to go, but I am moving forward.

And here is the weird thing about healing... I started to toy with the idea of ending Plan B to finalise property settlement because of the escalating legal fees. I won't though, as I don't want to risk all of the progress I have made. It was an interesting thought... previously any thought of ending Plan B was to give him a piece of my mind!

I went to check my house today. They have wrapped it (I love this term, it makes it feel like a gift!), so it is all ready for bricking.

Some other good news... on the quiet, I think next week I may be offered an ongoing position at work.

I love it when you can see discernable progress in Plan B. The first time you see a picture that makes you feel nothing is a definite landmark. I don't know about you but I had questioned whether that were really possible until it happened to me.

I remember reading Scotty's photo-progress moment and wondering if it would ever really happen.

You've worked so hard climbing uphill in Plan B to get to this point on the mountain. Enjoy the view, you've earned it.

Yes indeed.
You are healing from the horror and he is in a dreadful trap of his own making.

Embrace the happy memories and let your boundaries protect you from the current drama.

roof shout at cara's house! by the time we all get there, we can celebrate the new job position as well!

Caracel, glad you've found the joy in your opportunity for a new life! I hope the D progresses smoothly. It's great to see your personal growth and detachment! Where are you going in China? I took a trip there many years ago and it was amazing.

Too frequently on MB I wish we had the FB "like" button.

Thanks all. And Letty... a big MB housewarming party to celebrate my new foundations!!!

Jen, I'm flying into Shanghai, managing to find my way by train to Suzhou for a few nights and then returning to Shanghai for the start of a tour (it is my mother's first trip other than Europe which she found a culture shock!) The tour is pretty leisurely, Guilan, Yangshou, Xian, and Beijing where the tour ends. Then we do a four day stopover in Hong Kong for a real mother-daughter indulgence of dim sum, massage, shopping and I'd better throw in a bit of sightseeing.

Any Chinese tips are welcome!