Oh.. well here: no, have no plans at all to have an affair. AS far as sympathy..yeah probably true. I've only told one person IRL.. So yes, it would be nice for people to know and pray. I just didn't want to worry anyone or have it get back to my kids until it is something to worry about. Yet here I am at 2:30 worrying.. Need to go back and reread Philipians... take everything to God, I know.. Off to watch the national news and try to go to sleep.

Good morning. Little pity party is over. I'm doing an Enhancing Your Marriage Bible study. The first few chapters are all about getting your own relationship correct with God first. Today was about motives in the heart and how what you think becomes what you are. I studied Cain and Abel. God warned Abel about his heart attitude but he wouldn't listen.

So.. I am a parent, just need to act like one. I do love my kids and it is funny, about the time you get them trained and you really like them they get ready to leave. My oldest is a senior and so sweet. He has changed so much in the last few years and will be more than ready to leave next summer. He's been doing the kids' laundry for years. He loaded the dishwasher without asking last night. He now gets and pays for his own haircut, makes his doctor appointments, takes himeself, etc. He is so much smarter than I am. His ACT was a 34.. Mine was just a 29. His freshman comp class is easy at the cc and he made a 101 on his first test in Spanish 3. Gotten A's on his first tests in AP Physics and Calc. He's doing well in AP Economics as well. Those online classes have been a godsend. He passed me in math and science a long time ago and our little local high school offers nothing like this.. Last year I tried to have him take his AP Chem test at our local school, but even though 22 were in the class she doubted any of them would take it. My friends with kids in honors say the kids get 2's on the exams and they aren't prepared well. So far he's gotten a 5 on AP stats and AP Gov and a 4 on his AP Chem.. But I sure will miss him.

Middle one is a good kid. He has a literature/history bent and HATES math. He also has a temper. That said, he has been working on it and he and I are not butting heads nearly as often this year. I'm beginning to see glimpses of maturity and think it will be even better when the oldest one leaves as he is always in his shadow.

Then there is my daughter.. So much like me. So social and musical. She makes friends wherever she goes. But she is exhausting and only 10. I would have been better I think if I were younger when I had her.. Oops.. thought life again. I had her when I had her.. God will give me the strength and grace..

Back to homeschooling and parenting. I'll be on a little more this morning then not again until noon. I'm leaving the computer on to see if my hubby can contact me.

It sounds like you have wonderful children, tiredwife. I smiled all the way through that post. Children are truly blessings from God, aren't they?

You seem like such a nice person. I truly am hoping for the bset for myou.

I was able to skype with him this morning. He smiled and said that he saw I sent him with some homework ( the letter and chapters I mentioned). He said he figured I would do something like that. So we'll see what he thinks after he reads it over the next 10 days. Well, off to teach my daughter..

TW45,
I just want to say that I appreciate how honest you have been on here. I homeschool our 4 kids, and my husband just retired from 20 yrs in the military (gone a lot...even when he was home he was working all the time). I understand why you are Tired Wife ! I am 44.

I have often dreamed of another life too...one without so much responsibility. Well, I nearly shot myself in the foot and got what I wanted. I had an affair. I nearly lost everything . Me, the sweet little Christian homeschool mom who would never do anything like that. I did it.

Now we are picking up the pieces, but most days I'm just haunted about how I ruined our lives.

I wish I had done a lot of things differently. I'm glad you are on this forum because you will see the hurt caused by selfish thinking like mine. You will firm up boundaries and fill love banks. You will stop love busting. You will affair-proof your marriage.

I just wanted to offer you encouragement as another homeschool mother. Many days I feel so much pressure...I see you do too.

3 more hours until the doctor's office opens.. They didn't call me with the results yesterday, so I will call them when they open. It has been 3 weeks since my abnormal results. I just want to know..then I can deal with it. I'm tired of running endless scenarious through my head. Between that and my spat with Melody I just couldn't sleep last night. I guess I will go get my room back in shape.. I just don't want to think about it anymore. That is what I hate. My brain will sometimes just think and think and think and I can't turn it off.

Ok first of all if you don't check the prayer board, the results were negative.

Now as I've been listening one thing that has struck me is that in some ways he has a lot of the women qualities and I have a lot of the men: honesty and openess and family committment and affection are his top 3 needs. He wants me integrated into his life in that he tells me EVERYTHING. He doesn't have rooms. I do. He checks with me about everything. If he is home, he wants me home. He notices EVERYTHING. He is the sock on the floor and glasses out bother me kind of guy like Joyce is.

He has no annoying habits. I have tons like biting my nails and leaving things out. His most annoying habit is that he is so perfect. He never loses his temper, always speaks nicely, fixes things before I even ask. I mean, good grief when I was gone with my daugher at a fine arts camp, he supercleaned the kitchen from top to bottom with toothpicks and toothbrushes, the stove, the oven, everything. It was absolutely spotless. Now he doesn't really ever complain about my messiness, though I know it bothers him. He says he knows that I have a lot going on so he can understand why. He does wish I would have the boys not do things like leave the bread open. But somehow when I come home and he has done something like that it makes me feel like a failure. I'm the one staying home. He shouldn't have to do the housework. But I can't do it correctly.

Ok.. another fault that I have is my emotions and perhaps I am like a guy in that respect. Whereas my husband has complete control of his emotions at all times and thinks cooly under pressure, I do not. It doesn't take much for me to get emotional. I try very hard to hide it from him because I know that he doesn't like it.

I am always 10 minutes early. I HATE being late. I mean I literatlly get completly unglued if I am late. Hubby always runs late and is always the last one ready. No one will die if he is late. I've learned to hide my irritation but with my children I am merciless and throw a huge temper tantrum.

On mission trips it is hard for me to stay cool when things happen. I hide it but like our handler disappeared with our passports and we needed to board the plane. My husband says getting upset will do nothing to help the situation. If we miss the flight, they will find us another. Don't worry. I am literarally about to get histerical.

If he knew how I was with the kids sometimes, he would be appalled. I've heard Dr. Harley talking about relaxation technique. Where do I find out more about that?

And how do I keep from being so thin skinned? If someone makes any criticism or a comment that I didn't do something well, I go into a tailspin. Now I try doubly hard to fix whatever I did wrong the next time, but it shouldn't make me feel so upset. I mean I should be glad that he cleaned the kitchen. Why does that make me feel like a failure????

I do not disrespect my husband nor he I. We have never called each other names like the clips they show. We don't do the independent behavior like they demonstrate on the show like I am going somewhere and I don't care what you say. He always tells me why he needs to do something and it sounds reasonable and so I say yes though I may not really want him to. So I need to be honest, so it isn't his fault if I haven't been honest. So far he has complied with any honest request I have made.

He will return tomorrow so we will talk about the ua stuff. But I need to get rid of annoying habits.

Thanks

Or another thing is how do I not beat myself up about things.. For example, went to see my husband's grandmother yesterday and I forgot to bring her diapers. Stupid. I should have put them in the car earlier in the day,but I didn't. So I am screaming at myself in the car this morning since I have to make a special trip to bring them to her because she only had 2 left.. I tell myself how stupid I am.. I try really hard not to do that when the kids are in the car as that really upsets them. "mom, relax. You aren't stupid. It is really no big deal."

That is what keeps me up at night as well. I replay conversations and realize how I shouldn't have made that comment or I should have kept my mouth shut or I should have said something but didn't. How do you keep yourself from thinking like that?

Yikes, TW! You're so hard on yourself!

Tell me - when you're replaying these actions in your day, how do you respond to yourself? Do you come up with a solution to prevent the action in the future, or do you just beat yourself up?

Can you accept and be at peace with the fact that your definition of a clean house and your husband's definition are two different things? If it isn't causing friction between the two of you, why are you making it an issue?

A little bit of both. I will replay the conversation( not just with my husband this is with anyone) and tell myself how stupid I am and then imagine 5 different scenarios where I could have done it better. But then it becomes a cycle and I can't turn my mind off. So I get up and turn the news on so my mind can stop the cycle and I can go to sleep.

No, I don't have peace about that. My peace would be if everyone in my life would be happy and I would never make a misake, but that is impossible. But I don't know HOW to be ok with that. I try to be super-organized and succeed most of the time. But like my son.. he got accepted to one of his universities, he made a 34 on the ACT, he cooks, does all the kids laundry and is a good student. But today I am worrying about his failings at cleaning the bathroom and a moral failing that if I had just been a better parent. If I had maybe done A, B or C he wouldn't have this problem. It is all my fault. Good grief. He has tons of things going for him, but I feel like a failure as a parent. Yikes, TW! You're so hard on yourself!

Tell me - when you're replaying these actions in your day, how do you respond to yourself? Do you come up with a solution to prevent the action in the future, or do you just beat yourself up?

Can you accept and be at peace with the fact that your definition of a clean house and your husband's definition are two different things? If it isn't causing friction between the two of you, why are you making it an issue?

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You didn't give birth to robots, TW. You gave birth to humans. You can't program them to perfection. As a parent, you do your best and then hope for the best for them. It's not a moral failing to turn out a child who doesn't clean the bathroom to your liking. You should have seen the condition my son left his bathroom in when he left for college. But that's okay. He's bright and busy, and one day may figure out the function of a sink scrubber. If he doesn't...well, then, he doesn't. That's up to him. I'm okay with that.

You are very hard on yourself, and I fear that that is interfering with your enjoyment of other things in life. While you're anguishing over your son's bathroom-cleaning skills, life is marching right along. Do you really feel that it is so important that you will let other enjoyable experiences suffer?

Bathroom cleaning wasn't the moral failure. Hacking a way to override parental controls to view cheerleaders was.

On my good days, then I can easily acknowledge that. Even know I KNOW it is true, but it doesn't stop this nearly paniced feeling that I have. Yes, it causes me not to enjoy other things.

My husband is exactly the same way which is one of the reasons I hesitate to be honest about my feelings with him. Remember my example about the nurse that messed up and he took the blame for it. He thinks ANYTHING- accounting, front office, pa, nurses, etc that he is responsible for. So if he sees me unhappy he will know it is all his fault and feel guilty about that on top of everything else.

It also makes me really defensive. I try so hard to be correct that when my husband points out another way to do it, I look at it as a failure and react that way.

Tiredwife,

Moral failings as a mother include not feeding them or abusing them. Your hormonal teenage son seeking to break through parental controls to view cheerleaders does not equal a moral failing as a mother.

Do you think that perhaps the need for admiration from others as "the perfect mother/wife" is preventing you from a satisfying balance as a great mother and wife? I can't help but see that you are really be your own worst enemy in your expectations of perfection.

I'm sorry, TW. But DANG! he's a smart fellow, isn't he! LOL!

Would you like my sitch of just a few short years ago? When my then-18 yo thought it would be just fine to go to a graduation party, drink vodka, and then try to drive his best friend home? And exceed the speed limit, plow through the stop sign and pile into a telephone pole?

And then leave his car at the scene, run home and wake us up to give us the news? And then Mr. Bliss and I having to drive him BACK to the scene to turn him in to the Sheriff who was there, processing the scene. And having to follow the Sheriff's car (with DS in the Sheriff's back seat )back to the Sheriff's post to process our son. I won't spend time going through the whole court case and probation thing, I think you get the idea.

How would you like to deal with that, TW? DUI, leaving the scene? That's potential jail time, TW. That isn't figuring out how to get around parental controls on a computer - that's a poor decision that could have killed someone.

I think you're harder on those kids than you need to be. Just my thoughts.

This is you being hard on YOU. I wish I had an answer for you, but unfortunately you sound more like my H than myself. I see others pointing out another way to do something as something to consider, while it seems you see it as a threat.

Maybe you should try getting over yourself.

Maybe you could realize you don't know everything.

Maybe you don't hold the corner on 'correct'.

Maybe you are unteachable because of this.

Ok guys, I understand that I SHOULDN'T feel that way. But how do I stop? And I still can't find the relaxation techniques that might help my emotions when I feel out of control when something has gone wrong or off the plan. Believe me I wish I didn't feel that way. And many days I don't. But then some days I wake up mad. I mean REALLY mad. I have no idea why. Or sometimes I wake up with my heart pounding feeling scared to death. Once again, I have no idea why. It doesn't happen a ton, but maybe once a month or so.

Well... it seems we nailed down admiration as one of your top emotional needs!


It's easier to change your behavior than it is for you to change your feelings. Since you are a planner, it would probably be wise to plan for diversions from your plans, and what you will do if that happens. If one of the problems is emotional overload, plan to give yourself some time to gather your head and emotions... and reevaluate your plan from that point.

Failing a plan at a single point in carrying it out doesn't destroy the entire plan, but it means that you will have to realign from the point of failure and aim back at the goal.


As for your emotions at this time, remember how you ended up here. As you develop a plan to restore and maintain romantic love in your marriage, I'm sure you will find that your emotions will even out. And once those plans become habits... whoa Nelly, does it get better.

The only time failing is truly failing, is if you fail to learn from it, pick yourself up, and keep going.