One thing that an actively wayward W reading SAA can do is get their mouth watering for some cake-eating so that you can ready yourself to set the hook and spring the trap, so-to-speak.


In other words, she might be enticed by all this need meeting hullabub, and allow you to do it. And while you do that (Carrot), you run as much interference as possible with the AP (Stick) - and make sure to demand she end her affair.



"Gee, honey... you cooked dinner?"


"Yes, I did. And we could do this more often if you would end your affair..."

The one thing you don't want to do is tell her about this Forum. You didn't tell the MIL did you?

Just give her a blank look, toss in a "Hmmph, beat's me" and wander off as though you just remembered you had to do something.

Just because she, or anyone, asks you something doesn't mean that you have to give a coherent response.

For the next gift, follow HDW's lead and present your WW with a framed version of the Ten Commandments.

Well, we're done. She went out last night "for drinks" and ended up coming home at 3:45am looking like she was sleeping. Which she was. Basically. Asked her how she could have no concern about what she is doing to me. Throwing away 12 years of relationship for a 2 month fling. She felt she "doesn't have to answer to me anymore" and that it doesn't matter as we are getting a D anyway. Some other stuff was said too, but right now I can't think of it.

So today, I just avoided saying anything to her at all, not doing plan A whatsoever. Finally, in the evening, when I just asked what she wanted for dinner and her response was ultra britchy, we started arguing and what not. She's tyring to tell me I need to leave the house, and threatening to call the cops for domestic violence, which is a laugh since I've done nothing at all. Asked her on what basis and she said she would tell them she is scared. Pff, whatever. Luckily I got all this on recording.

She kept wanting to talk about me moving out and we need to do something bcuz this living together arrangement is not working. She feels she has every right to run around like an alley cat in heat since she's already made the decision for the three of us that she intends to permanently alter our lives over this POSOM.

So, Monday, I'll be interviewing lawyers, and getting the papers drawn up. Going to call my buddy about putting me to work, but will have to figure out how that will go since I'll be seeking sole custody (even if temporary) and then will have to arrange daycare and transportation. Uggg.

I was thinking about all this and how it was in my last M. My XW cheated on me numerous times, but it was always a, I did this once or twice where she admitted it openly and was done with it and sorry. My WW now, I only found out because of snooping, and even in the face of knowing, she has the nerve to go out with him every night of the week, and come home, act like nothing is going on, and then is shocked when I'm pissed about it. Her continuing to see this POSOM behind my back and then coming home and expecting me to be normal, just astounds me.

I don't even think there will be a plan B, I feel like there's so much damage that's been done. We've gone from me knowing she would never do something like this to realizing she is entirely capapble of inflicting tremendous pain on me (and soon DD) without concern, that I don't think I can recover from that. Really, a huge part of me wants to make it work for my DD's sake. I'm terrified of the life long lasting effects this will have on her.

Any of you out there who are in Recovery for a long period of time care to chime in on continuing on with life with a WS?

Oh Joy, holiday season is just around the corner.

No, nobody knows

Also, any mods know why when there is a reply to this thread "What to do" it posts it in the forum list as being with a different threads title "What to do after 25 years" ?

Look at the top left of your post. I think posts can have little individual titles of their own too.

Like I'm posting this as "explanation."

I've been in your shoes.
My (now ex) wife would openly commit adultery.
She would answer me: None of my business. I'm done with this marriage etc etc.

Was she drunk when she came home?

You need to stick with Plan A. When you get into arguments you just feed the demons inside of her.
From now on, work on being polite. In te morning : "Good morning!"
***EDIT***

And don't argue. I encourage you to read the book of Hosea in the Old Testament. Pray for your wife, that God will convict her of her sins. Pray for guidance.

Bottom line: Stick with Plan A. I'm glad you stood up for yourself.

God dealt with a similar issue of adultery with King David of Israel. God sent his prophet to the king and the prophet looked at David and said "You are the one. " God immediately convicted David of his sins and he cried out to God for deliverance. The prophet didn't need to yell and scream. You don't either. Next time look at your wife in the eyes and say "You are sinning against our marriage and God "and walk away.

I know this is a difficult time. But you need to take the high road.

Easy thing to address is tell WW you move out because your the one that wants to end the marriage. Then you end that discussion. Offer her a cookie, leave the room, watch the TV.

Your WW stay's out almost all night banging the OM and you punish her by waiting to late afternoon to ask WW what she wants you to make her for dinner.

You brutally used the stick of the carrot and stick on her.

Look up door mat in the dictionary and along side the definition for door mat you will find a photo of 2little2late.

This is not plan Aing. Plan DM as in door mat.

Yup.

If she came in at 3:45, her crap would have been on the curb at 3:46.

Tell her to leave the effing house, go live next door with her stupid enabling parents. They deserve each other, I'd say.

Kudos on filing for a divorce. I really think you'll do better (mentally) once you take charge of this mess.

Next time she goes out carousing, be sure to have the local police dept on notice that she's likely to be driving drunk and you're worried about her safety, since she's drinking a lot more lately. If you have a throw-away cell phone with GPS on it, you can track when the car leaves the bar - and have the police intercept her and do a sobriety check on her.

That ought to put the nail in any fight over full custody for you.

No, she mentioned ordering pizza. I asked if she wanted anything else with it and I got uber bit ch response which set the mood for a fight.


Not sure why you say this, bcuz you think I was asking her what to cook her for dinner? Besides, I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how the hell your supposed to do the carrot of plan A and still do the stick when she refuses to continue the A.

I have no legal right to throw her out of the house anymore than she does me. I'm trying to stay legal and not do anything to cause problems later in a custody battle.

Yeah, good idea. Have plans to do this to POSOM for sure. I know he likes to drink (have him on VAR saying he had a Bloody Mary first thing in the morning). Typically, she is not driving drunk. She's smart enough (?) to not drive drunk. Who knows.

"No, she mentioned ordering pizza. I asked if she wanted anything else with it and I got uber bit ch response which set the mood for a fight."

Gas lighting yourself.

You miss the point that you walked on egg shells all day then let her talk about about ordering pizza and you ask what toppings. Talk about door mat.

This was the time to say: WW you were out banging OM last night and you expect me to go get you pizza tonight does it look like I have door mat written on my face, er how about does it look like I have weak BH on my face, er how about does it look like................

Was definitely not "walking on eggshells" all day. I was trying to avoid LB's as I was so pissed that anything to come out of my mouth would certainly have been an LB.

Besides, I don't see how what you suggest is anything along the lines of a Plan A type reaction. So which is it, I am doing Plan A, Plan B, Plan WTH?

If it's not been done already, someone needs to write up a comparative list of what is and is not acceptable Plan A types of reactions and attitudes, because you all have me thoroughly confused.

Your post gave the impression that she stayed out all night and that it was generally ignored and only touched upon that afternoon.

Her behavior deserves an immediate response in my book. Which leads me to my question:

Did you see an attorney yesterday?

I tried to offer you a list but was not permitted to. I suggest you email a moderator and ask them

2little, I wanted to respond to your post from a different thread

"Granted I've not been in it 3 years, but the Dr. said he usually recommmends 2 years before going to the next level of Plan B and/or seperation/divorce. So what confuses me is why everyone is telling me to file for idvorce when it's only been about 2 months. This is the part of "the stick" I don't understand. How do you give it 6 months to 2 years and still create boundaries as suggested in the "stick" part of the carrot and stick?"

There is a difference between filing for divorce and following through on it. It is suggested that you retain an attorney to protect your interests. They can also advise you on the legalities of things. You CAN, however, drag out the actual process to take as long as you want it to.

The stick part is telling your WW spouse that you have retained an attorney and if they continue with their affair you will divorce them under the grounds of adultery, that their AP will be named as a witness, that you will file for full custody and a what have you. This is showing them the reality of their situation.

If you check out the Divorcing Forum, you will see quite a few posters who have filed for that very reason.HTH

If you want to plan A for 2 years you can.
That is your choice.
But Ask yourself WHY you DESIRE to live like that for 2 years.

When Dr Harley suggests the 2 year thing he does it based on what you can endure. You could divorce her tomorrow and he would support you in that decision. He has made that clear on the Radio

I filed for divorce ASAP and got divorced a few months later.
I dont know how anyone could handle living in that chaos for 2 years. Life is short. My aunt encouraged me to divorce ASAP. She explained that as a hospice nurse she sometimes sees young people in their early 40s die. She said life is too short to live in misery; and she's right.

Your wife thinks she is happy but true happiness comes from living the good life as God intended. It doesn't come from adultery or drinking or arrogantly telling your husband that you are whoring around town.

I encourage you to pray over this decision. Because God may bless you if you plan A for two years. He may also bless you if you plan B. it is your life.

HDW is right. But it is a personal decision. No one is telling you to divorce her. No one is telling you to give her another chance. That is your decision. But what we will do is advise you to see an attorney to protect yourself.

I don't know how much reading you have done of other poster's threads. But it helped me a lot and it would help you as well to see what others have done. If I think of any that would be of help, I will link it for you, ok?