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BTW .. your wasting your time with MC's ... they will only facilite Divorce .. and tell you to go with what FEELS best. Spend your money on the coaching center.
My wifes mothers pastor told her and her hubby to seperate for 2 weeks because they were having issues ... Well .. the issue was she was having an affair. During the 2 week seperation .. she changed locks ... and decided it was over because it felt better to be with her Affair partner than her hubby. HE facilitated their divorce! .. PASTORS DONT KNOW CRAP about saving marriages.
Are you here to blog or are you here to learn Marriage Builders? Can we help you solve your marriage problems?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Also .. if you in any way shape or form talk to your wife like your talking to us? NO wonder she doesnt like you. Your wifes top need is MOST LIKELY intimate conversation. Do you guys get 15 hours a week of undivided attention? Meeting the 4 intimate needs of sexual fulfilment, conversation, recreational companionship, and affection?
If your not getting in that 15 hours a week WITHOUT kids, TV, Friends etc ... you WILL NOT be in love. How can you be in love if your ignoring each other? Look back at your courting years. What did you do then? Did you sit around and ignore each other and then one day decide out of the blue to get married?
If you think im being rash ... im trying to be real with you here. Your reasoning is a false assumption from your own experiences creating a regurgitating loop of negative emotions.
As you think, you shall become! Think and BELIEVE your the best hubby ... Think and BELIEVE your the best romantic. Then DO THEM .. and her feelings will follow. (unless shes having an affair then all the PLAN a in the world will not help you until the affair is dead.
Feelings follow actions. Not the other way around. No one EVER feels like working out.. but you feel great AFTER.
Also, we went to the pastor of her church in the first year of so of our marriage, and he was the one that wanted me to take all her actions beautifically. Several years ago, we went to a Christian counselor who was a woman, and I liked her very much. She was even-handed, but just nudged me figuratively to not lean so much on my wife, knowing that my wife was taking it in, but knew that she would not respond to too much exposure of her side of the equation.
My suggestion: try something that works instead of marriage counselors. Marriage counselors have no idea how to save marriages and have a higher personal divorce rate then the general population. They don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages.
Marriage Builders is the only program I know of that can completely transform a marriage. You signed up here years ago and never used the only effective program I know of.
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"My program of marriage recovery is exactly the same as most weight loss programs. Whenever it's followed, the marriage recovers. I know of no other program of marital recovery that can make that claim. In fact, if you follow the advice of most marriage recovery programs today, your marriage will not recover. That's why a 1995 Consumer's Report survey found marriage counseling to be the least effective form of psychotherapy. Only 16% found the experience to be helpful.
For those who complete my program of marital recovery, 100% find the experience to be more than helpful -- it solves their marital problems. But just like in dieting, the successful outcome depends entirely on motivation. Only those who are not motivated enough to complete the program fail."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage
Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.
Without an effective plan of action, it's unlikely that you will achieve your objectives in life -- and that's particularly true of marital objectives. Yet, marriage is an area of our lives where effective planning is often regarded as unnecessary. Couples usually believe that they should be guided by their instincts whenever they have a conflict. Regarding emotional needs in a marriage, most spouses believe that couples should do for each other what they "feel" like doing. If there is no interest in meeting a particular need, it should simply go unmet. The idea that a spouses should create a plan to become experts at meeting each other's most important emotional needs, whether or not there is "interest" in meeting those needs, seems to go against marital intuition.
Intuition also prevails in most couples' efforts to resolve conflicts. Instead of resolving their marital conflicts by creating and implementing a well conceived plan, they revert to their primitive instincts -- demands, disrespect and anger -- to try to resolve their conflicts. These instincts not only fail to provide them with long-term solutions, but they also destroy the feeling of love. Because couples don't know any better, they keep using demands, disrespect and anger to try to resolve their marital conflicts until their love for each other turns into hate.
The purpose of the Marriage Buildersﾮ web site is to help you to create and implement a plan to resolve your conflicts in a way that will restore and sustain your love for each other. While many of my suggestions run counter to intuition, hundreds of thousands of couples have found that they work if they are willing to create a plan using my Basic Concepts. My Basic Concepts introduce you to my perspective on marriage, and how I go about creating plans that help make marriages successful. Then, my Q&A Columns give you examples of how to use my Basic Concepts to help create plans that solve a variety of marital problems. I also offer a Forum where you can discuss your situation with others who are creating plans that resolve conflicts and restore love to their marriages. Finally, if all else fails, I provide telephone counseling to those who feel they need special help with the creation and implementation of a plan to overcome their marital problems.
Ultimately, I hope you will create a plan to resolve your conflicts and restore love to your marriage. And then, of course, I hope you follow that plan so that you will actually experience the marriage I believe all couples should have. Without such a plan and its implementation, it's unlikely that you will achieve these important objectives. Insight into your problem is an important beginning, and my Basic Concepts will help give you that insight. But without action, insight is useless.
Restoring Love versus Resolving Conflicts Before I discuss with you some of the details of a well-conceived plan to resolve conflicts and restore your love for each other, I will focus attention on the highest priority of such a plan -- restoring love.
I know of no marriage, including my own, that is free of conflict. That's because every couple is made up of two distinctly different people, with different experiences, interests and emotional predispositions. Regardless of the compatibility a couple creates in marriage, a husband and wife will always have somewhat different perspectives, and those differences will create conflict. Conflicts over money, careers, in-laws, sex, child rearing, and a host of other common marital issues are part of the experience of being married.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
quote: we do not financially benefit as you would think. /quote
No, the man is forced to bankroll a dysfunctional household no matter what, and has to withdraw and go from having next to no influence to none at all. That financial disaster is what I want to avoid, not only for myself but for my family as well. Why else would I work every day and pursue my trade if no to provide for my family? I have no illusions that she and the kids will be living the high life if we divorce, although that DOES happen sometimes that when the woman remarries, the "child support" becomes gravy money for the new step family...
quote: I think part of your problem is your afraid to rock the boat. Your not acting as a man should. /quote
No, I am always the one who brings stuff up, who buys the books, encourages counseling, whatever. Always with the idea that I am not perfect either.
quote: Judge her by her ACTIONS not her WORDS. /quote
Her actions say: I have children by you who naturally love me and look to me for everything, and you to work every day to maintain a household for me to play house in and do everything I want. I say I agree to some of your ideas and act like I am implementing them, but lie about and deny all when found out(you remember Clinton? the meaning of "is"). You are so good to me compared to some guys that would kick my [censored] for all I do to you, I think that I will continue to do just as I have for all time.
quote: YOUR WIFE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. /quote
Obviously so. But, I love her even through all this crapp. I don't always act perfectly loving, but what is someone supposed to do when our finances are destroyed and all the rest? I guarantee I have brought it up and asked, begged, demanded it to stop, to be met with lies so numerous and denial so astoundingly stonewalled that you might find it difficult to believe. I do not tolerate these behaviors, and expose them whenever and wherever they are found on occasions too numerous to record.
quote: her love bank should be through the roof /quote
Yeah, all it gets me is a lot of sex. I want honesty, cooperation and all the rest. I am not 25 anymore, I cannot be bought off with **edit** so much anymore.
quote: that your categorizing women as such /quote
No, there are plenty of ethical women who want a successful, cooperative marriage, but the whole thrust of this post is that the majority or large minority of women are not, and will use the system or the threat of it to get what they want and force the husband to suffer through it. The divorce industry is 98% on their side, and they use this knowledge to stay at a (low) plateau of marriage cooperation and oneness.
Last edited by MBLBanker; 10/07/1204:44 AM. Reason: Bypassing profanity filter. Disrespectful and demeaning to women.
Again, are you here to blog or are you here to get help for your marriage? Because we can't help you if you won't listen.. And you can't listen if you are busy blogging.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
BTW .. your wasting your time with MC's ... they will only facilite Divorce .. and tell you to go with what FEELS best. Spend your money on the coaching center.
My wifes mothers pastor told her and her hubby to seperate for 2 weeks because they were having issues ... Well .. the issue was she was having an affair. During the 2 week seperation .. she changed locks ... and decided it was over because it felt better to be with her Affair partner than her hubby. HE facilitated their divorce! .. PASTORS DONT KNOW CRAP about saving marriages.
MNG
I don't want to disrupt the thread but a Christian Counselor my wife and I saw suggested the same thing. Thankfully I had already read SAA and found MB advice. Otherwise my wife would be in my home with her boyfriend!
The fact is counselors have a very low satisfaction rating, around 17%. Marriage Builders has a 100% rating when the entire program is used.
But some people need to sit down face to face and i understand that.
You say you have tried multiple programs. It sounds like you are the one running around finding these programs prodding your wife to do them. Is that correct?
We get it. You're mad. You're in an unfulfilled marriage. All I've seen from you is you lamenting the woes of husband's and bash your wife and other wives.
My marriage is nothing like that. It used to be similar. But since MB, nope.
Sure there are a lot of wives like you describe but I can show you just as many jerk husbands. And I know very few wives that don't work full time and many make more than their husband.
Stop ranting if that's all you want to do.
Husband (me) 39 Wife 36 Daughter 21 Daughter 19 Son 14 Daughter 10 Son 8 (autistic)
This will be possibly my last post to this forum. The title of the thread is not to blame any women reading it; it is just to show the way the system is stacked in the favor of any woman who wants to use to her husband's disadvantage. Any of you reading this are not being accused; indeed, many of you on this forum are among the ethical ones that want to make it work with input from your husband AND yourself.
Aside from that fact, reading posts here just mirrors what I have been enduring all these years(half my life) that I have waited for my wife to do the right things. Too much bs on both sides, pages of ppl not wanting to do the right things...
Understand that our marriage is vastly improved from before, but dammit my endurance is really flagging. Our daughter will be of age to leave home soon, and might not ever see her parents' marriage function close to properly. Our older son is only a couple of years behind her; maybe by the time child 3 gets ready to leave, things will be ok...
I see you doing alot of blogging and I wondered how that is resolving your marriage problems?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I should add that people who have the SAME PROBLEM for years are not really looking for solutions. They usually [censored] alot but are never willing to do anything to solve the problem.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Sure we have tried it; I am always the one who has engaged in "marriagebuilding" for us. Buying books, going to counseling or whatever... she just likes to coast.
Quote
Well, she did initiate the first counseling session.
I'm going to have to re-read your thread, because these two quotes of yours are contradictory.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
My 2 cents: Forget any and all counseling you've ever had and chalk it up to a colossal waste of time and money. You want to see change in your wife in ways you thought it would never, ever happen? Get your wife on the phone with Steve Harley from the coaching center. He can reach her. If there is one thing I've learned, if it came from you, she's not likely to buy into any of it. But if it comes from someone else (Steve), stand back...
BH (Me): 50 WW (Her): 44 Married 22 years DD15, DD10 D-Day) 3/18/11
You are mirroring my life except it's my husband. I would kill to have a husband that cared enough to change his ways or invest 100% in our relationship! Some women don't know how good they have it some times! So frustrating...
