Sunday, didn't get there till Tuesday. But all evidence of logs, email are clean since then.

Lost,

What I was asking was what allowed for her affair? Facebook, text messages, computer)?.

However she was able to have her affair. Have those been stopped?

What EPs has she put in place?

Phone call and text messages.

She does not use our home computer at home.

Yes, there are things in place to stop it. However what I am saying is, nothing prevents people from buying a "Go" phone.

LS, she won't be very dedicated to your marriage at this point and that is to be expected. This is why it is soooo critical to put your marriage FIRST by getting in 20-25 hours of UA time per week. That is the most important thing you can do for your marriage. And yes, it will feel awkward at first, but the longer you do it, the faster that feeling will go away.

I would get away for a little vacation with her if you can. Without the kids!

Go on vacation and have your inlaws watch the kids.
I Assume you have not offered them the door yet?
They may as well do something useful besides unknowingly sabotage your marriage

Lost,

I just caught up on your SAA thread. Welcome to the Recovery forum but I must say, I think it is a bit premature.

Did you send the NC letter, or did you do as your WW asked and allow her to call her AP to break it off, with you on the phone, and THEN send the letter?

You said you read SAA, so you know what EP's are. I suggest you give your WW a WRITTEN list of EP's to follow, and let it be known that you will NOT tolerate her breaking those EP's. If you have done so, you should list those EP's here so we can help you fill the holes in your plan.

Your inlaws sound toxic to your marriage, regardless of whether there was an A or not. For that reason alone, they should go. It damaged your marraige to have them involved pre A, and it certainly will not help you recover post A.

Did you ever question your WW about her 'thinking trip?' Since, as predicted, she came back from that trip more certain of her desire to leave you for OM, it is a worthy assumption that she went on that trip WITH her OM. Did you question her about this?

Part of recovery is RH (Radical Honesty), this means providing you with ALL details about her A that you require to recover. Every BS requires a different set of details, so if she were to say she met him and they had a PA, how much detail you would want about that is your choice. However, not even knowing the true nature of the trip itself, thinking it was a 'thinking trip' instead of a trip to seal the deal with OM, is NOT RH and will largely stunt any recovery if you should discover new things in the future.

UW,

He sent the NC Sunday.

NC is five days long? Ignore this. She is in withdrawal from OM.

Are you sure that there has been no contact?

To be honest, I want to follow the plan but I realized I may just do plan B anyway. I don't think she actually cares anymore.

i got a good job, good father, i think decent husband (granted i am sure i have flaws). The more she tries to be distant, the more I realize someone else can appreciate me.

Haven't given up but every LB from WW just makes me want to find someone who appreciates me and wants to work on love.

WW and I are in recovery. There has been NC with the OP for 5 days. I am trying to repair some of the things i did in the past to that caused us to be in this situation. - LS, 04 Oct

To be honest, I want to follow the plan but I realized I may just do plan B anyway. The more she tries to be distant, the more I realize someone else can appreciate me...every LB from WW just makes me want to find someone who appreciates me and wants to work on love. - LS, 07 Oct

Slow down, dude. Give the program some time to work, okay?

I have to say you need to step back from here a minute and focus. You are all over the place here as well you should.

I tried to read your other thread just now but honestly I got the drift after a couple of pages in.

You are in charge of this thing, make no mistake. Not your inlaws who seem way more involved than they need be.

This program has a very rigid sequence of events for success which Im not certain you are following religiously.

So, take a breath and make sure you are doing the things suggested by others in your threads. Picking and choosing and readjusting the parts you like are not advisable.

ya I keep trying to be positive but my WW is treating me like I was the one who had the A. She is ice cold. If I had her try marriage builder, she would wouldn't do it because she believes that you should just love someone without work.

1. Expose the affair (this should end the fantasy or whateve bull---- has got her screwing around)
2. No contact with this guy is to be committed to by her and a letter of NC prepared by her and approved and sent by you.
3. Extreme steps of precaution are to laid out by you that she is to both agree and adhere to
4. A committment to her meeting your unmets needs as well as you finding out what it is she is needing from you and you following thru on it.
5. You sprinkle in an s-load of undivided attention sans kids, some just compensation on her part to you, complete agreement on all decisions, and lots of the other things

When you've done this and you still are getting the treatment you are getting then you move to the next step.

But just over 2 weeks since dday and a week since her last contact you have not successfully gotten past the 2nd step.

I gave a very crude synopsis of what is recommended here. For a much more elegantly detailed how to, read Surviving an Affair and you'll get explanation on the why for's as well.

PS. You dont sound anywhere near recovery, in my opinion.

LostSoul, tell us about the affair. Who is the OM? How did they meet? How long has the affair lasted?

How did you find out? What happened after you did?

Tell us the background of this affair.

Edit: Sorry, Lost, I realized you've already posted all the info - your threads weren't linked.

We did do step 2.....but I will agree, it doesn't feel WW is committed. I have verified all logs and she hasn't contacted OM.

I guess I thought she would feel remorse but I seen some other threads that females don't feel remorse like how males do. I guess I will see how this plays out for another 2 weeks.

We are on vacation and she seems pre-occupied with thoughts. She even seems unhapy around the kids.

Did you expose your WW's affair?

Listen to this clip of Dr. H explaining the lack of remorse most waywards show.
Radio clip on the lack of remorse from some waywards

Is this plan working for you?
No?
Then insist on a new plan for recovery.

She (the wayward adulteress) does not get to drive this bus. You do.

Buy a copy of Surviving An Affair .
Inform WW that you will spend one half hour together, reading aloud from this book every evening, and another half hour discussing what you've read.

There is no other choice. Unless she chooses to divorce.

Meanwhile, put a GPS on the vehicle she drives.
Ornery WW's are begging to be monitored.
Do this.
It may save your marriage.

Your thread title/question:


Your first post on this topic:



Translation: (in red)

She tells me "i am doing too much and it might push her away"
"You are following me too closely and I need space, in case I want to contact my adultery partner."

How do you respond to this?
Like this:
"Your adultery has caused me the most pain I have ever experienced."

Then, watch her reaction. if she becomes more hostile when reminded of your pain, come back and post word-for-word what she said.

DO NOT ARGUE with her.
Listen to the tenor of her response and match it with her body language.

Please, tell us about exposure. Who knows. EXACTLY. Do not be general in your answer. It's THAT important.

I'm thinking you are afraid and making fear-based choices .... and have not done exposure. Am I wrong?