Sept of last year. We got married in Dec.

The story is a bit complicated. He says he's not very expressive verbally. He acted like he was in love, yet when i asked (about 9 months into the relationship) he verbally said he wasn't "yet". I left it alone. He kept acting like he was in love.

Then he left to work about 10 hrs away during the summer. His place had been vandalized while he was away and he needed to move. He was "temporarily" living with me. He mentioned moving in together, to which i refused because he wasn't in love with me. I told him the is not you, is me line saying I wasn't ready (I wasn't really... didn't want to live with a person who didn't love me). He pushed the issue and about the second week of him staying here I told him my reasons. He said he was in love with me really, but he just had a hard time telling me. I then broke down and allowed him to move in.

We had to marry for legal reasons. Well we didn't have to. But we decided to do it for legal benefits. When I offered, it was agreed it was to be handled separately from our friendship and the budding relationship. He agreed. Then somewhere along the way when we started getting more serious he started being ambiguous about the agreement, saying whenever he did something he did it "right". He wasn't completely clear about it, but he meant it like the marriage was for real, not just for legal reasons. I kept insisting for a while, he delivered the same ambiguous line.

we started having trouble in our relationship when we started planning the wedding... something I will never tackle again in my entire life. It went from something very intimate and informal to a full fledged event with reception and all. We ended up trying to please family members and not taking into account what each of us really wanted/needed.

It's all been downhill from there... Nov of last year, basically. Yes, we planned the wedding in about 5 weeks.

Today he swears he loves me, but acts as if he hated my guts. Me=very confused.

It sounds like you guys didn't have the best of reasons to get married, and even though your husband says he loves you, I wonder if he says it because he wants to believe it but doesn't really mean it.

I don't know what to tell you other than listen to what other more experienced posters on your thread tell you. That, and if you can get your husband to do some phone counseling with the Harleys, I think that would be a great step towards solving your issues.

In the hypothetical chance I can scrape enough money for one phone session... how would i go about convincing him to talk to the Harleys?

So you agreed to get married for legal reasons and not because you were in love and/or committed? Would he have had to leave the country if you didn't marry him?

Did you intend for the marriage to be permanent?

In the beginning, when I first offered, no I didn't. It was a separate arrangement between friends. He felt the same way. After a while when things got serius, I did see myself with him for the long run, but I didn't say anything. When we were planning the wedding and I saw him spending so much $ on somrthing which, in my mind, was just an arrangement we talked about it and he said outright he saw himself with me for the long run as well and that the marriage for him was for real.

Has he changed his perspective about the marriage? And did he want to get married so he could stay in the country?

Yes, he also he said he had changed his perspective about our marriage and wants it to be for the long run. I asked why and he gave me reasons which ring true to me about our relationship. He also said he loves me.

I cannot comment on the nature of the legal reasons why I initially offered to marry him. Sorry ML.

SD

He got an apt last night. Used me to go pick up a bed. I found out what we were doing after I had agreed to go with him to drop off a friend's U-haul after we (H and I) helped them move. We were on our way to his mother's to pick up a bed whenhe told me what he was doing. It was very humliating for me.

We spoke briefly in the car on our way home. He stated he wanted to have a second place just in case. I mean, we don't have any $ and he's renting another apt (the one our friends moved out from). He is leaving Nov 29 for two months and was complaining that he needed to watch every penny in order to leave me with enough $ while he was away to cover the bills. Now the amt he has to come up with has nearly doubled!

I asked what his plan is... he wants to have a place where he can 'get better', but he's not moving there unless 'i make him'. So basically, as I undestand it, it's his back up plan... if he doesn't think I'm behaving up to his standard, he's out. It is a veiled threat. And to top it off, since I'm the cause of all his troubles, then I'm the one that's gotta fix things or he's out.

He had asked me to look for a roommate for our apt, since we're so tight w $. I had spoken with a friend we have in common and who we had both agreed beefore could make a decent housemate. This guy seem to like the idea of moving here... now H went and offered the same friend to be *his* roommate at the other apt. WTH? I so don't get him.

I spoke with him briefly on the phone. He insists he doesn't want US to try and come up with a solution... in his mine we've already tried many times and failed, so he'd much rather take the advice of a 'professional' (refering to the semblance of a counselor we got).

I think this is my time to jump in and try to have him talk with the Harleys... I don't know from where I'm gonna scrape the $, but I will.

Can someone please advise me on what would be the best way to present this to my H?

SD

Ok, he wants to talk tonight. I'll try to see if he's amenable to speaking with Dr Harley.

I'll let you know how it all goes. Sigh....

SaD - I'm going to make some general comments that I hope are helpful.

You cannot control your husband's mind or feelings. The only way you are going to attract him back to your marriage is by changing your behavior.

If you do not know what to change - let's identify that and work on it.

If you do know what to change but feel you truly can't make those changes - let's identify that and work on it.

I want you to know I respect PTSD. I had some mild PTSD for about a year and a half after my deployment. I also respect depression as a true medical condition that you can't just wish away. If you are currently disabled by these conditions It's ok to admit that. Be careful you're not hiding behind those conditions and thus robbing yourself of the benefits of true engagement and change. I'm not saying you are at all - but that is the one of the dangers.

Thank you BWS...

Yes, I know I can't change how he feels or acts... as much as I wish I could, sometimes, lol. I do want to become more attractive to him so our marriage doesn't go down the tubes. AO are one of the things I identified... I read up all I could find on anger management and last night's conversation was a LOT better. He did get angry, but I managed to refocus myself and relaxed. He agreed to talk to Dr Harley!

I have a general idea of what I need to change, but I would need help identifying specifics and how to bring about that change. Any help appreciated. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't make a change or I might be resistant to an idea, but I usually will come around after some reading (like I did about the AO). If nothing else, it will always benefit my life to make a positive, change rigght?

I know what you mean about hiding behind one of these conditions. I try not to. As far as the PTSD, I think I'm pretty successful at it, since I've lived with it for a few years now. The depression is tricky as I'm not always sure if it's the condition itself, or me just being lazy and trying to justify my actions with it.

Now.... how do I get him in touch with dr harley? What should I put in the comments section.... the whole story? Point him to this thread?

SD

S&D, you can reach Dr Harley for no cost by sending him an email to the radio show. Tell him what has happened and ask him for help. Tell him your husband would be willing to speak to him. There is no guarantee he will answer but sometimes he does.

Be sure and tell Dr Harley how your marriage was planned initially, that it was an arrangement for legal reasons only.

Or you can sign up for the counseling [paid] with Steve Harley or his sister, Dr Jennifer Chalmers for a cost.

Did you contact an MD to get on anti-deps?

When you write the email, keep it short sweet and concise. If it is too long, Joyce takes much longer to answer it.

She has mentioned mental health issues a few times. I imagine that is what he is talking about.

Maybe bipolar or something of that nature.

committed

Editing: read a little further through the thread and caught the depression thing.

Hmmm...you mentioned earlier in the thread that he purchased a ticket to go on a 2 month vacation back to "his country".

So...did you marry to give him a green card?

committed

My old friend, commie!!

Ok, thanks for the pointers. I will get to that email right now. Quick question... how long should I wait to see if they choose to answer my question before it's safe to say they've decided not to cover it during the radio show? I only ask so I know how long to hold out for before borrowing money to do the paid thing. Thanks.

SD

Hi, there... unfortunately I cannot comment on the nature of the legal reasons I had to offer to marry him. I hope you guys understand.

Hmm... this raises the following question. Do they use full names during the radio show? Is the info I send confidential? Does anyone know how I could find out?

Oh, and ML -- I cannot afford to visit a MD for the anti depressants. I have an appt this Sat with the people from the local government funded mental health place for an eval. Hopefully this will be the solution to the pill thing.

SD

Hi Mel!!!!