CAN'T READ TOOOO BLURRRRYYYY!

That's a very dismissive, and even rude response to someone who has spent a long time posting to you, explaining things very carefully.

If I'd got a response like the one you have just given markos I wouldn't post to you again.

That's a very dismissive, and even rude response to someone who has spent a long time posting to you, explaining things very carefully.

If I'd got a response like the one you have just given markos I wouldn't post to you again.

My take on that was that NAF was emotional, tearing up because of what markos said, hence the blurry. Probably not the most eloquent way to say that but... I'd cut him a little slack. Hope he's not diving into the booze. I personally know it doesn't solve anything.

Sorry, just needed a moment. Do it for the children, I have a job to do. I deeply appreciate all the advice and experience.

Yes. tccoastguard The coast guard can save me, but let me slide back in if it ends the pain.

Be an example for your kids. Above all, keep posting here. This is your refuge where you can get everything off your chest. We'll help you. You can do this.
Travis

On the affair busting - yes, do everything you can to find an affair if it exists. But never lose sight of your ultimate goal - winning the love of your wife. I've seen people get consumed with affair hunting and get so aggressive and antagonistic that they destroy any chance of rebuilding a relationship with their wayward spouse. I think waywards deserve empathy, not vilification. If your wife is having an affair, imagine how bad things must have gotten for her to choose such a drastic and scary thing. She is not the enemy and an affair (if it exists) is not the root problem. It is a symptom, an opportunistic infection. The root problem is your wife's unmet emotional needs.

Based on your situation though, being separated and unable to talk to her, I would recommend you hire a private investigator to watch her for a few days.

The root problem is your wife's unmet emotional needs. Do you get it?

I think this is great advice, but I want to make sure that he understands that all the need meetin' in the world will not overcome an active affair, WHICH IS the root cause of his crippled marriage. It is unlikely his wife threw him out over unmet needs, but threw him out to have an affair.

Waywards do not deserve empathy; they are not victims, after all. An affair is the most selfish, cruel act a spouse can commit and we are not going to pretend otherwise. There might be reasons for an affair, but there are NEVER excuses.

If he does not aggressively go after the affair, it is unlikely he will have a marriage to save. It takes a 2 pronged approach: the carrot and the stick. The stick for the affair and the carrot for the marriage.

I think Harley supports this view - thus the title of HNHN - "How to affair-proof your marriage."

MelodyLane: Let me add something to what I have already written to you. I hope I'm not being too redundant.

You will hear Joyce and I repeat, "there are reasons but no excuses." One of the reasons for an affair is that emotional needs are not being adequately met in marriage, which makes an affair that meets those needs more tempting. But the same thing can be said of some who rob banks. They may be out of work, need money to pay the rent, ask for a loan but are refused by the bank, which makes robbing it more tempting. One reason for the robbery is that the bank refused the loan, but it wasn't the bank's fault that it was robbed. On hindsight, a bank might have helped the robber get the help he needed through social services, but the bank is under no obligation to do so, even though they advertise that it is a "caring bank."

An affair is different from robbing banks in that a couple have promised to be more caring than banks. But the principle is the same. The lack of care by one spouse does not excuse harmful behavior by the other spouse. Even when one spouse absolutely refuses to be affectionate, or to make love, or to talk intimately, or to join in recreational activities with the other spouse, it gives them no right to have those needs met by someone else of the opposite sex in an affair. They have the right to separate until the other spouse meets those needs, or even divorce when it becomes obvious that there will be absolutely no cooperation (there are many who strongly disagree with me on that point). But an affair is so cruel and so painful that nothing any one spouse does (including having an affair themselves) can justify the suffering that an affair causes.

Making a disgraceful act more tempting by someone is no excuse for that person committing the disgraceful act. Besides, in most marriages, there are times when emotional needs are not being met for reasons beyond anyone's control. That's why I recommend extraordinary precautions to help spouses avoid an affair. They are to not allow anyone of the opposite sex to meet their need for affection, or intimate conversation, or recreational companionship, or sexual fulfillment. When those needs are met, they deposit so many love units that you are likely to fall in love with that person, and make you hurt your spouse in the worst way possible. I hope that explanation helps.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. here

MelodyLane: While there are no excuses for an affair, there are often reasons. And most people who have affairs will usually express those reasons as the BS's failure to meet intimate emotional needs. My book, "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage," describes those reasons and encourages couples to meet each other's emotional needs as a way of making affairs less tempting.

However, my book, "Surviving an Affair," focuses attention on eliminating temptation entirely by taking extraordinary precautions to avoid one of the most destructive and cruel acts that can be committed in marriage. While it's true that affairs are often more tempting when intimate emotional needs are not being met, there's no excuse for them, because they are so painful. So in recovery, we encourage couples to take extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair, even when emotional needs are not being met. But then, we also encourage couples to meet those needs.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.