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Joined: Oct 2012
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I have been lurking here for several months and have listened to much of the advice Ive read here.

I have finally created an account and hope I can get some help on the issues affecting my marriage. I also hope someday my Wayward Husband will also want to create an account. After reading some of the Former Waywards stories I think they would help him as much as theyve helped me. If he were willing. I decided to join because after reading so much on here I am not so sure he is willing or that we are not headed for a False Recovery.

Its a very long story and I will fill in any gaps or holes as its necessary but for now I am going to just give you all the basics

My husband and I had some marital problems. I also had some health issues. So did he. His were physical. He almost broke his neck right before we got married and I took care of him during that recovery. We married and began two separate relationships it seems because he tells me he was never really happy. I was. And I thought he was. But in early 2011 he asked for the first separation. He changed his mind but began an affair at the same time.

Six months later he moved out for a few days. He was miserable being married to me. He came back. A few months later he broke up with me on a vacation. I am not sure I ever want to go on another cruise for the rest of my life. I spent the last 2 days of that vacation staring at the ocean from the balcony and crying my eyes out while he slept. When he wasnt sleeping he was angry at me. I accused him of cheating for the last time he said. On top of this he was miserable. He said he didnt love me anymore but cared for me. He said a lot of very mean things about how he felt for me including how he never wanted to have sex with me but felt he HAD to. So yeah, this was not a great vacation for me. And it was only days before my birthday. He refused to say anything more than he was moving out when we got home and we were done. He was done. And move out is just what he did. He took everything he owned in the closet. He had no intention of returning and it showed. He said more things about how we never should have married, we had nothing in common, sex was not all that b/c he never felt those feelings for me, that we rushed into marriage and made a mistake and on and on and on I was stunned. First I did not see it coming. Second I did not realize he did not love me like a woman anymore. Third why did he marry me then? WHY?

Everyone told me he was having an affair. There was no proof. Just what he said, how he was acting. Everyone said I was nave. There was another woman and that was what the real problem was. I did not believe it. I did not want to believe it.

He did his best to have as little contact with me as possible. For some reason though he insisted on saying goodnight every night. Of course I noticed there were nights especially weekend nights where he would forget. But if I forgot he had a problem with it. We had no talks of getting back together, if I mentioned it he said he just couldnt even think about it. That he needed time and didnt know how much. He would also say me asking was making him want to come back even less. I had surgery he promised he would care for me but only showed up once and texted me every few days. He was not there for me. He would run to the store etc if I asked but I needed HELP, I had major surgery. I couldnt cook for myself. But he would text to see if I was ok. If I asked any questions he wouldnt answer me. If I wanted to see him he would say he cant. When I realized he was not going to be there to help me I decided to stay with a family member until I was back on my feet. At some point during this I woke up. I think I got tired of being unhappy. I think I realized he did not want to come back and I was just being a fool for not letting go. It was around this time he wanted to try. But it was a half hearted try really. Sex only. Some talking but none about getting back together and more if you keep asking it will be even longer speeches. Wow, reading this I wonder why I didnt get it sooner I guess we see what we want to see huh? He blamed everything on me. The reason we couldnt be together was my fault. The reason we wouldnt get back together was my fault. If I left him alone I didnt hear from him. If I contacted him he would say I was starting with him and that was the reason he wouldnt come back. So I gave up but kept hoping I guess then at the end of December I got an e-mail from the other womans husband.

My husband denied nothing but offered nothing either. And we went on to a full fledged false recovery. He said he would prove to me for the rest of my life how much he loved me and would never do this to me again. He said it was always me he wanted and always would be. We began marriage counseling and we were doing things together but then little by little he wasnt as interested anymore. He began saying he was miserable. He began acting like something was wrong again. And in Feb his affair partners husband called me again. They never broke contact. He had proof. He had phone bills. Funny thing is the calls Id questioned JUST THAT DAY were on this bill. They WERE her. My intuition was correct. And my husband told me I was paranoid and that would be why this would never work out. I could never trust him again he said. I matched up the calls on her bill to the calls on our bill and STILL he denied he was talking to her. He really seemed to want to end it with her. Maybe I made myself believe that, I dont know. Fast forward a month she was still calling even after he told her with me listening that he wanted to be with me. That she should not call him or text him. I heard him say it. Now I wonder if he called/texted her right after to tell her not to listen or how that went because by mid march they were at it again.

In early April he moved out again. Said he didnt know what he was feeling. I saw it coming this time. But still felt it was sad because I know we truly love each other. I knew he was in a fog but there was little I could do about it. In may he was telling me they were seeing each other. That he thought our marriage was done and he wanted to be with her. I went dead inside. I cant explain it any other way. I felt nothing for days. Meanwhile, Id learned from her husband that they were divorced now. That she was telling everyone my husband and her were together and getting an apt together and once he divorced me theyd be getting engaged. WHAT? My husband denied all of this. In May we began seeing where things would go with us. By June he was saying he wanted to move back in with me. By the end of June he was back with her and didnt want to be with me anymore. By Mid July wed stopped speaking at all. By the end of August I was done.

Now.. during the months I mention above I was not transitioning smoothly and neither was he. He was denying and lying about everything and I kept finding out the truth. The truth was they did live together though even today he says they did not, that he stayed there almost every night but did not live there. The truth was they DID plan a future together and he was telling everyone we were already divorced. We had not even filed papers. He said he did not want a divorce. To me thats what he said anyway, probably more lies I still dont know. Then we were supposed to talk. He wanted to talk. I was hopeful he finally woke up. But I was wrong. During that conversation he was cold. His tone was uncaring and selfish. He said he was sorry about everything but that he had feelings for her. He loved me and didnt want a divorce but wanted to see where things went with her. He was so babbling all this nonsense I just stared at the phone. I felt like all he ever did was tell me dreams then when it came time to talk went right back to how great they were togteher and how we were done. That night Id had it. That night was the first time I realized my marriage was over and there was nothing I could do about it. Id done everything. I tried. I needed to take care of myself now and stop allowing myself to be hurt again and again by this man who once loved me but clearly didnt care how much he was hurting me anymore. He almost seemed to be enjoying it but I bet if he knew I felt that way hed feel terrible. I felt like Id suffered enough for the sake of this love that clearly only I still felt and that I had to let go. I had to set myself free or be stuck in this misery for a very long time. The next day I left him voicemails. He turned his phone off when he went home so she wouldnt know he was still leading me on and so I wouldnt know he lived with her. I still cant believe this shady lying man is the man I married he was not this person as far as I know maybe he is this person I dont know

I dont remember all I said. I know I was done. I know I was ready to move on. I know I wished him well and I truly meant it all. I also know I did not have hope anymore. I know those messages were my goodbyes to him. I knew I was done and there was nothing more I could do but walk away and get a divorce. Two days later he told me he was back living at his moms. No other mention of her. Do I think he ended it? No. I didnt want to talk for a few days because I was/am so tired of the emotional screwings. I would cry all the time. I was so confused. For the first time in a year I felt like I wasnt confused. I did not want a divorce. I still loved my husband but a choice was now made. He made it when he moved in with her. What he thought he would get out of this I dont know. I had to walk away. All the lying the headgames the garbage love nonsense he said if I did not walk away I would hate him. I did not want to hate him.

In early Oct I learned he was telling the truth. They did end it. And she says he went back to his wife. He didnt though. Were not back together. He is still stalling for more time apart and still talks to her. He admits it. And Ive already said I cant be in his life if she is. So now he will probably lie and say shes not, right? Do they ever tell the truth again? He seems sincere with his actions he wants me to feel secure but he still talks to her. That is one point I cant make him understand is a dealbreaker. I have even tried to tell him our marriage will not recover as long as she is there to confuse him. He says she doesnt. But he still does not know what he wants. And is again saying this will take some time

I know this is a false recovery in the making. Any former waywards with advice? Anyone in recovery? My only option now is divorce if this keeps dragging on and that will be sad because I know we love each other but emotionally I just cant keep going through this

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Confused, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are not in a false recovery. The bad news is that you are not in recovery at all.

You have been in Plan Confusion for far too long. You say you have been lurking here for several months, so you must know the drill.

Who have you exposed his affair to? What have you learned about Plan A and Plan B? Have you demanded he have NC and send a NC letter? Have you provided your WH with a set of conditions to meet before YOU will recover with HIM?

Your WH's A is NOT over because he is still in contact with the OW. You are not in recovery until all contact has ceased. If he is unwilling to send a NC letter and end his A, then you need to prepare yourself for Plan B.

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I exposed in April. Everyone knows what he did. It's not a secret.

I had a meltdown and left many messages after I found out all the lies and all the game playing and was ready to go file as soon as I could to end the insanity for myself. It was never what I wanted but I had no choice.

He is aware that I will not be a part of his life as long as she is. I have no asked for the NC letter yet because we have no reconciled or even said we want to. What happened was he left her and began contacting me. He wants to see if we can work this out. When I discovered he was still talking to her I felt that was a bad sign. He said they ended the affair and I believed him when I got confirmation from an unaffiliated 3rd person who has nothing to gain or lose by lying to me about it. He admits they still talk. He insists it's over. He doesn't know when he can or will cut her off. He thanks me for my patience.

Obviously I am not patient or stupid because I am here looking for confirmation that I am not over reacting.

He wants time for us to see what we want to do. He doesn't want me to tell anyone. (RED FLAG). He hasn't cut her off (RED FLAG). He said he would read the books I have but hasn't made any effort to get the information that I am aware of. So no, I have not made any demands on our recovery because we're not really IN recovery of any kind. We are in limbo and pretending I think.

Hopefully I can get some good responses... I know about plan A and I guess in a way I am doing that right now and I understand plan B but have not done it yet. Not sure how much plan A time to invest first. He wants to take things slow. I would also like to hear from the wayward perspective just how wrong how he's approaching this is. Both sides I guess so I can understand his behavior too... it's so confusing how one minute he's confused and the next he's not.

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After my meltdown is when he left her and wanted to try to see what we have. He has been making efforts based on how he's acted before now but the still in contact with her issue is going to be a problem. Not just because we have no chance with her still around but because I think he will just start up again and I will get screwed.

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You don't need the wayward perspective to get clarity on the next step. After all, Dr. Harley was never wayward and he is an expert on guidance regarding affairs.

To recover from an affair, your husband must agree to write a no contact letter Here

Never see or contact the OW again under any circumstances.

Agree to be transparent with you and live an integrated life with you with no secrets.

Implement Extraordinary Precautions.

Agree to rebuild a romantic and passionate marriage that is better than pre-A.

If he does not agree to each of these steps, your marriage will not recover. If he does not agree to these steps, you should not be living with him, because you will get sick from the emotional trauma of living with an adulterous thoughtless spouse.


Married 1980
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We are not living together and have no plan to do so.

We are not in recovery. We are only "seeing" if it's possible.

I know no contact is a must. I've mentioned it. I've said it was very important or we have no chance at all. He said he needs to read stuff about it. But has made no other comment.

I think he is trying to find a way around the no contact part.

He either thinks with time he can start up again... or he really believes he doesn't need to end contact because it's not about "me" or all of the above.

I am hesitant to believe anything he says.

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Have you considered going into Plan B to get some peace in your life from his drama? Do you know anything about Plan B? Plan B is not recover your marriage, although it has helped some do just that. Plan B is for YOU. So you can recover and be away from the pain of a fence-sitting, cake-eating WS.


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Originally Posted By: ConfusedM
I exposed in April. Everyone knows what he did. It's not a secret.

He wants time for us to see what we want to do. He doesn't want me to tell anyone. (RED FLAG).



I'm confused. If everyone already knows, what is there to tell?

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Originally Posted By: ConfusedM

He is aware that I will not be a part of his life as long as she is.


What would make him think that? Because the message you have sent him up to this point is the exact opposite.

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Originally Posted By: ConfusedM
I have no asked for the NC letter yet because we have no reconciled or even said we want to. What happened was he left her and began contacting me. He wants to see if we can work this out. When I discovered he was still talking to her I felt that was a bad sign. He said they ended the affair and I believed him when I got confirmation from an unaffiliated 3rd person who has nothing to gain or lose by lying to me about it. He admits they still talk. He insists it's over. He doesn't know when he can or will cut her off. He thanks me for my patience.



If he admits they still talk, then he has not ended the affair. If he hasn't 'cut her off,' then it is not over. Do you see that his words and actions are contradictory?

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Originally Posted By: ConfusedM
I know about plan A and I guess in a way I am doing that right now and I understand plan B but have not done it yet. Not sure how much plan A time to invest first. He wants to take things slow. I would also like to hear from the wayward perspective just how wrong how he's approaching this is. Both sides I guess so I can understand his behavior too... it's so confusing how one minute he's confused and the next he's not.


Dr Harley advises women not to Plan A longer than 3 weeks or they will suffer emotionally and physically. You have been doing this for much more than 3 weeks already. It is time for Plan B!

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I said I will not be a part of his life. I repeated it several times.

Yes I do see his words are contradictory. He seems to believe he can remain in touch because they were "friends" first and he thinks they can go backwards like that. I know they can't.

He doesn't want me to tell anyone that WE are talking about reconciling, which technically we aren't.

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And confused, I am sorry that you find yourself here!

Please be ready for action as the MB plan is an action based plan. You should not be waiting in limbo like this, it will have dramatic affects on your well being if it hasn't already.

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Originally Posted By: ConfusedM
I said I will not be a part of his life. I repeated it several times.



You need to do more than repeat it. You need to SHOW it through action. You have repeated to him that you will not be part of his life, yet he remains in contact with OW and you are still a part of his life.

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I guess I was doing plan A up to June... from then until mid Sept we barely spoke to one another. Then he ended it (but still in contact so it's not really ended) and we are trying to see how it goes. But with her in the picture based on everything I've read, it will go no where with us. As long as she is still on his mind and in his life, WE have no chance.

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Confused, the best thing you can do for yOurself and your marriage is to expose the affair wide and far and then go into a super dark Plan B. when I say expos, I mean to everyone. Your kids, the OWs facebook friends, everyone. Go read the link in my signature for ideas.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You need to take control of this and dictate what happens in your life.

Your WH is a cake eater. He throws you a bone when you go off the deep end and tell him you are done. Because he doesn't want to see half his cake walk away. Yet, he doesn't want to lose the other half either, so he is currently in a situation where he has BOTH.

He doesn't decide who you tell what to. Asking you not to share this part of your life, which I am sure is one of the most traumatic experiences to have happen to you, is selfish. You need support, and others need to know that he is continuing his A.

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Originally Posted By: ConfusedM


I am hesitant to believe anything he says.


Don't just be hesitant to believe it. DON'T believe anything he says.

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Now I know why your post seems so familiar. You are Loki, right? And we have already given you this exact same advice before. Did you take our advice and go into Plan B?

If you are not serious about this, there is nothing we can do to help you. All you have been doing is enabling your husband.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I don't know about Loki's history...but from what you wrote about your husband, comfusedM, I can tell you that my husband was very similar to yours in his wayward state. Your WH may not be in an affair with the OW he is still in contact with...he may also have started an affair with another OW. Be careful.

I will say that my husband and I have been in recovery since 2003...He got on board with MB, we went to an MB Weekend and did the followup program at home. Recovery is possible...with a lot of work. Sometimes, I wonder if it was worth enduring all those years of perseverance in the quest to save our marriage...when there might have been something better for me out there and a better use of all those years.. But, I will never know. I still remember the deep betrayal that I endured as well as how that effected our kids....those memories are not good....but overall...we are recovered and happy, and I am glad our family remains intact.

I think you can be fine which ever way you choose to go...it is your decision for your future, your family's future. Weigh the pros and the cons. Don't allow any more false recoveries. He must commit to no contact for life, transparency, radical honesty....etc. Read the 'Four Rules for a Successful Marriage' available on the MB website.

Last edited by Trix; 10/24/12 07:28 AM.

Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
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