Here's a good clip of Dr. Harley explaining how a couple probably has grown apart and will need to try POJA.

Radio clip on growing apart

I stumbled across Proverbs 17:9 when reading yesterday. I assume Dr H feels he is a christain. This verse does not support exposure. Can any other christain explain this?

So Dr H needs to come up with a solution where HE doesn't feel like he is sacrificing? Did I finally get it?!

H told me last night that he doesn't want to talk about porn anymore. I was trying to use it as a POJA practise. I do understand what he is saying tho (Dr H says a BS should ask all questions and then let it go). I am not going to bring up the subject again (if I am very honest I should say "I will try really hard not to bring up the subject again"). H says he agrees to not look at porn but he also said that he cant promise it is not ever going to happen again. I quess this is where Dr H says you cant trust your spouse and you always need "things" in place to "catch" them. H's comment really hurts tho!

We just don't have any conflicts in this area. We have many more areas of conflicts tho! We will work on them.

Absolutly in agreement with this statement!

Yes to both questions.

If I said that to Prisca, she would divorce me.

Or probably have her dad shoot me.

Or maybe get MelodyLane to shoot me.

Read them before. Thanks for the reminder.

You should not promise not to bring the subject up again. A good marriage is a marriage where the wife complains about things that bother her. If he continues to use porn, you should complain and keep the problem on the front burner until it is resolved.

On the other hand, if he stops using porn, then it is a mistake of the past that should not be dwelled on in conversation.

The realy hard part for me to "get"...every scenerio I can think of it appears that one or the other will sacrifice.

No husband likes discussing his wife's complaints, but if he wants a good marriage, he needs to listen to her complaints, stop doing anything he does that she is not enthusiastic about, and take care of her needs.

What he is doing is the equivalent of this: a husband and wife have sex once a year, he lets her know that this is not satisfying for him and he needs more, and she says "I don't want to talk about sex any more." Well, she doesn't have to talk about sex, but if she wants a happy husband, she will need to be more receptive to his complaint! I would hope your husband can see what a bad idea it is to ignore complaints.

Right. That is what I was getting at. If I ever catch him again he is out on his a$$. I will try my darndest to not bring it up again if he never watches again.

Yeah!!!



The porn comment is very off!!! Porn is akin to infidelity. It is VITAL that he is exclusively sexual with you, not images of sex workers.

You should have just as much of a problem with his refusal to be visually faithful as if hed said he couldn't promise not to have sex with OW. Which porn essentially simulates.

If he is not willing to ban activities that displease you, that's planning to fail POJA.

But this goes beyond POJA since sexual exclusivity is bad, bad, bad for a marriage and you must be firm on it. Dr H says a couple should never POJA porn use because it is not sexual exclusivity.

I would tell him that any porn use will not be tolerated, and see you separate from him.

If he thinks he has no control over porn, that smacks of addiction and he should pursue treatment of it, rather than implementing a lazy plan to hurt you by failing to deal with it.

He doesn't think there is much difference between porn and movies or even "The Batchlorette". Where does the difference begin? X rated movies? Movies that don't show unclothed body parts but you sill KNOW that they are making love?

One thing we talked about last night after reading the LB chapter on career changes is...a career change. I think he would be willing to chg career but...he has jobs scheduled thru May 2012 that he cant break contracts on. It is not easy to quit to start something new.

That is bulloney. He knows the difference. But if he wants to POJA you watching the Batchlorette, that is fine.

There are SO many reasons not to watch porn. But if he fails to see all others, the most important is that IT MAKES YOU UNHAPPY. Care and protection, do things that will make your spouse happy and do NOT do things that will make your spouse UNhappy. One of the cornerstone's to this program and to a happy healthy marriage.

So this silly minimilisation of your good, valid instincts and hurt feelings....worked did it?

If you told him no porn, NO PORN.

If you hadn't, WE would be telling you NO PORN.

If you don't know how to classify it, I'm sure your local authorities and film classification board do.

But for good measure, Dr H says to eliminate ALL contrast effect in a marriage so if you feel uncomfortable over x rated movies, or an actress he admires in a bathing suit, out they go too.

If you are subjecting him to contrast effect, equally you would have to listen to, and act on his objections.

If he can't POJA, or remain sexually exclusive, when it comes to the simplest basic parts of the program this isn't going to work.

My being unhappy is the only reason he sees to NOT watch porn. I am glad for that...but, I don't know, I wish he had some convictions about it too. He says porn doesn't make me appear less attractive. He says porn doesnt "turn him on"...I turn him on.

Does he watch it for IC?

I think you may need to get out the RH questionaire, cause he isn't RH and thinks you will swallow any lazy lie he cares to trot out.

I'd let him know this is a dealbreaker.

He is trying to deny that the contrast effect is real. The contrast effect is a feature of the emotional part of your brain, the love bank part. It is not rational and not conscious. He is trying to claim that he is immune to it and claim that he does not compare you to the porn images he views.

And it may be true that he does not CONSCIOUSLY compare you to the porn images. But the rest of his brain, the part he has no conscious control over, is doing the comparison anyway, whether he believes it or not.

The contrast effect is not just something that affects some people. Everybody experiences it.