Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
schtoop #2678681 11/01/12 11:05 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
Originally Posted By: schtoop
BHF, I believe that you honestly believe there is nothing going on with with this friend of yours and your wife's.

But, your wife has every reason to be upset about it because at the very least, you are on a slippery slope. Let me point out all the red flags:

!) Shear number of texts...300 per month! That's 10 per day, probably greater than the number I text my Fiancee' and we are deeply in love!

2) The nature of text messaging...By its very nature, texting is an intimate communication between only two people that is private from other eyes or ears. Friendly conversation in a group setting with this woman or with your spouses present is fine, but that is not how it is with texting.

3) Sharing intimate details of you marriage...I'm sure you have been doing this privately with this woman, and it is a big no-no according to Dr. Harley.

Your wife has every right to be concerned, no one would feel safe in a marriage where their spouse texts constantly day and night to another woman.


I understand that she has every reason to be upset; I don't think she had a reason to be as upset as she was. I do not discuss intimate details of our marriage with our friend; never have nor does she or her husband share details of their marriage. I'm not trying to defend myself by any means.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
I agreed that the texting would stop.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: BrokenHeartFool
Originally Posted By: schtoop
BHF, I believe that you honestly believe there is nothing going on with with this friend of yours and your wife's.

But, your wife has every reason to be upset about it because at the very least, you are on a slippery slope. Let me point out all the red flags:

!) Shear number of texts...300 per month! That's 10 per day, probably greater than the number I text my Fiancee' and we are deeply in love!

2) The nature of text messaging...By its very nature, texting is an intimate communication between only two people that is private from other eyes or ears. Friendly conversation in a group setting with this woman or with your spouses present is fine, but that is not how it is with texting.

3) Sharing intimate details of you marriage...I'm sure you have been doing this privately with this woman, and it is a big no-no according to Dr. Harley.

Your wife has every right to be concerned, no one would feel safe in a marriage where their spouse texts constantly day and night to another woman.


I understand that she has every reason to be upset; I don't think she had a reason to be as upset as she was. I do not discuss intimate details of our marriage with our friend; never have nor does she or her husband share details of their marriage. I'm not trying to defend myself by any means.

What love busters are you cleaning up?
What EPs are you and your WW going to implement?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
We need to get into the LB's and the EP's. I want us to both sit down and fill out the questionaires. Obviously the main love buster that I am cleaning up is no more texts to our friend.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: BrokenHeartFool
We need to get into the LB's and the EP's. I want us to both sit down and fill out the questionaires. Obviously the main love buster that I am cleaning up is no more texts to our friend.

Actually OS relationships are boundaries.

Do you have the book Love Busters? Read up on DJs. For you to say that your wife shouldn't be as upset as she was, when she found out how many texts you were sending to this mutual friend is a DJ.

Can you afford the MB coaching center or the online program? They will give you a coach to guide you.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
My intention is that we do the online program. I understand that OS relationships are boundaries. I did not think it was a problem with a mutual friend. That was my mistake. Do not have the book LoveBusters, but will get it. I have the book Surviving an Affair and one other. WW read the other one and is almost finished with it. She's been reading it off and on for about 6 or 7 months.

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
BHF,

The texts are entirely inappropriate, even if you are not getting attached to this OW, the OW may be getting attached to you. You are especially vulnerable because you have never resolved your WWs two? affairs.

she feels we need to just move forward and that she doesn't need to answer anymore questions about it. there are many parts of her timeline that do not fit and its very obvious.

Did you schedule a polygraph and did you speak with the OMs to see if the stories line up? You don't want to be years out from this with doubts.

God Bless
Gamma

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: BrokenHeartFool
My intention is that we do the online program. I understand that OS relationships are boundaries. I did not think it was a problem with a mutual friend. That was my mistake. Do not have the book LoveBusters, but will get it. I have the book Surviving an Affair and one other. WW read the other one and is almost finished with it. She's been reading it off and on for about 6 or 7 months.

So make a plan. When can you sign up?

Also if you email the show they will send you a complimentary book.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Gamma #2678723 11/01/12 01:37 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
Originally Posted By: Gamma
BHF,

The texts are entirely inappropriate, even if you are not getting attached to this OW, the OW may be getting attached to you. You are especially vulnerable because you have never resolved your WWs two? affairs.

she feels we need to just move forward and that she doesn't need to answer anymore questions about it. there are many parts of her timeline that do not fit and its very obvious.

Did you schedule a polygraph and did you speak with the OMs to see if the stories line up? You don't want to be years out from this with doubts.

God Bless
Gamma


I am very clear on the texting situation.

We actually are already years out with doubts. I have not talked to the OM's. The first one I would probably go to jail if I was that close to him; the second one is the OM that WW says she deflected. They are both arrogant pieces of crap and have been in enough affairs that they know better than to say anything to me at all. They don't want to slip up. I did respond to the first OM when he sent a FaceBook request to our joint account. He offered things that didn't line up with WW's story. When confronted, WW generally confessed that they were true.

I have not scheduled a polygraph, though I have spoke with the polygrapher. I see no point in scheduling one for WW since I have proof that she is still lying. She has told me that I don't need to know anymore. Has told me as well that it doesn't make any difference whether she had sex with OM('s) once or on several occassions.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
Originally Posted By: BrokenHeartFool
Originally Posted By: Gamma
BHF,

The texts are entirely inappropriate, even if you are not getting attached to this OW, the OW may be getting attached to you. You are especially vulnerable because you have never resolved your WWs two? affairs.

she feels we need to just move forward and that she doesn't need to answer anymore questions about it. there are many parts of her timeline that do not fit and its very obvious.

Did you schedule a polygraph and did you speak with the OMs to see if the stories line up? You don't want to be years out from this with doubts.

God Bless
Gamma


I am very clear on the texting situation.

We actually are already years out with doubts. I have not talked to the OM's. The first one I would probably go to jail if I was that close to him; the second one is the OM that WW says she deflected. They are both arrogant pieces of crap and have been in enough affairs that they know better than to say anything to me at all. They don't want to slip up. I did respond to the first OM when he sent a FaceBook request to our joint account. He offered things that didn't line up with WW's story. When confronted, WW generally confessed that they were true.

I have not scheduled a polygraph, though I have spoke with the polygrapher. I see no point in scheduling one for WW since I have proof that she is still lying. She has told me that I don't need to know anymore. Has told me as well that it doesn't make any difference whether she had sex with OM('s) once or on several occassions.


That's why you should talk to these OM's BWs and tell them.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: BrokenHeartFool
Originally Posted By: Gamma
BHF,

The texts are entirely inappropriate, even if you are not getting attached to this OW, the OW may be getting attached to you. You are especially vulnerable because you have never resolved your WWs two? affairs.

she feels we need to just move forward and that she doesn't need to answer anymore questions about it. there are many parts of her timeline that do not fit and its very obvious.

Did you schedule a polygraph and did you speak with the OMs to see if the stories line up? You don't want to be years out from this with doubts.

God Bless
Gamma


I am very clear on the texting situation.

We actually are already years out with doubts. I have not talked to the OM's. The first one I would probably go to jail if I was that close to him; the second one is the OM that WW says she deflected. They are both arrogant pieces of crap and have been in enough affairs that they know better than to say anything to me at all. They don't want to slip up. I did respond to the first OM when he sent a FaceBook request to our joint account. He offered things that didn't line up with WW's story. When confronted, WW generally confessed that they were true.

I have not scheduled a polygraph, though I have spoke with the polygrapher. I see no point in scheduling one for WW since I have proof that she is still lying. She has told me that I don't need to know anymore. Has told me as well that it doesn't make any difference whether she had sex with OM('s) once or on several occassions.


That's why you should talk to these OM's BWs and tell them.


I contacted OM1's BW early on (was his fiance in the beginning of all this). She refused to believe any of it and bought OM's story. She even told me "why would they be doing that when your wife's on fertility meds and trying to get pregnant". I didn't tell her any of that so it had to have came from OM. OM1 married and then divorced the woman about 5 years ago. She is now married to someone else and lives far away.

Suspected OM2's wife knows her husband cheats. She refuses to do anything about it because her mother was married several times and doesnt want to be like her mother. I told WW that she and I needed to go talk to suspected OM2's W together. WW is not in favor of it. Says even though she did not get involved with him, OM2's wife will "shoot the messenger".

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
You can't move forward unless she provides you honest answers to your questions. Your getting this is as important as your recognizing that you had bad boundaries when you texted OW, your wife had as much reason to be upset about that as you do with her affairs and not providing you the info you requested. If you two can schedule a time with Dr. Harley, it could help both of you understand the path forward. Both of you need to come up with the time to read all of the books and materials, it'd help you avoid the pitfall of wasting precious time making mistakes and spinning wheels.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
Can someone pin my story as an example to all those who do not follow the Marriage Builders program to the letter? (Not really).

Another blowout last week. I lost it. Our son who is almost 7 years old was right there in the middle of it. It was the first time we have ever right out argued about the infidelities in front of him. I was furious and in the middle of it told him what his mom had done and not in the most polite way. I feel awful about it. I'm not a crier but was reduced to tears most of the morning the next day. It was a MAJOR ANGRY OUTBURST. I said several things to WW that were uncalled for. I completely understand that Harley considers those marriage killers, but I'm as close to the end of my rope as I've ever been.

I've told WW so many times from the very beginning what I needed to move forward and fix our marriage; verbally and in letters from my heart. She said back in November that she would work the Marriage Builders online course with me, but never put forth any effort to even look at the website. She did say she had read some of it over the past few days after the last blowout. She still hasn't finished SAA which she started almost a year ago. She's still working at the same job; though after a conversation on Saturday she agreed to walk in and quit on Monday. It's Tuesday and she's still there.

I'm just SO FRUSTRATED!! I feel like I have been the only one trying to drive the figurative recovery bus and am spinning my wheels. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally worn out from trying. I'm sure she would tell you the samething, but I've yet to see any evidence that she's trying other than the fact that she still lives with me.

WW will at one point act appalled when I tell her she needs to be honest and answer my questions with honest answers. Then the next minute tells me that she thinks we need a mediator before we talk about it anymore. We had one about a year ago; the MC that was terrible. WW sat right in his office and lied to the both of us. My feeling; what good is a different mediator going to do?? I've had the angry outbursts, but also have sat there completely calm when she told me some of the worst of it. I come uncorked cause we aren't getting anywhere and she just cannot tell the truth.

Over the years WW has talked more to 4 or 5 men at work about whats going on in more detail than she has to me! One of the men WW claims she can't stand, but she was discussing the affair and the other married co-worker that was pursuing her with him years before I knew anything about any of it happening.

Sorry; this post turned into more of a vent than anything...

Last edited by BrokenHeartFool; 02/26/13 04:37 PM. Reason: clarification
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Why don't you email Dr Harley for advice?
He will offer you his professional opinion at no charge.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Rather than use your sad story as a warning to others about following the program, why don't you start following the program?

You are not destined to a life of unhappiness and betrayal because you didn't follow it the first time. I bet MOST of the posters on here had to learn their lesson the hard way, in some form or other.

Go back and reread your thread. Start taking the advice and implementing the MB way TODAY, STEP BY STEP. Will it lead to a seperation? Possibly, from what I have read it sounds like your WW has never had any intention of investing in recovery. You have set the bar very low and have gotten what you asked for. If you require more for yourself there is a good chance that she will not be willing to give that to you. But read the part where you talk about having an AO in front of your son. IS THIS THE BETTER OPTION? No, you are not proud of the man you have become. You are not happy in this marriage, nor are you working a recovery plan that will bring you happiness.

The only way to change this situation, is to change the way you are doing things.

Last edited by unwritten; 02/27/13 09:57 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,319
Likes: 3
Have you told your DS7 the truth about his mom's affair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
Brainhurts,

Yes I did, but it was during the angry outburst. I told him "mom had a boyfriend". He also heard me telling her that it was her decision to drop her pants. I'm not proud of the way it happened at all. He was very upset because we were both arguing and upset. I'm not sure how much he comprehended, but I'm sure it was more than I think. He has not said a word to me about what happened last week other than he asked what happened to our garage door (WW punched it and made a hole through the insulation and a dent that you can see on the outside). At that point I just told him mom hit it.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
Brainhurts,

I just went back and re-read your post. Actually, no. He has not been told the truth, other than what he heard when we were arguing and what I said to him then. WW has repeated over and over that he doesn't need to know anything about it. She was furious that I said anything to him about it whilst we were in the heat of the argument. I agree that it wasn't the best way to talk to him about it, but 100% agree that he should know. If you've read my thread in its entirety, you will remember that my wife allowed DS to frequent a married co-workers office every morning before she took him to school. All this was after the married co-worker had sent her notes and "mix cd's" professing his desire for her. My wife hid this co-workers actions from me for over 4 years, but discussed it with other male co-workers.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
Can you tell me how to find the link to email Dr Harley?

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 63
Need advice on one other thing. WW told me this morning that she will work on her letter of resignation from place of employment tonight. Any thoughts on what should be included being this is the place where the A or A's started and condoned them or should it only state the fact that she is resigning?

Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (anchorwatch, 1 invisible), 31 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
CVT, Olivia 80, Brad344, Bobbyboy341, Steve123
71,697 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,536
Posts2,322,686
Members71,698
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5