Uh, no, not everyone.

When those of us with good boundaries, who know firsthand about the consequences of bad boundaries, see someone in the workplace -- especially someone with managerial authority -- conducting himself or herself in a fast/loose way which treads across proper relational boundaries and reinforces culturally-accepted but inappropriate conduct that opens doors to the sorts of emotional attachments that can undermine marriages, it actually makes us a little sick, and we don't respect or like you for it -- even if we might not put our jobs in jeopardy by saying so to your face.

Strive to be liked by the people who are more worth being liked by.

Originally Posted By: Dr Harley

extraordinary precautions

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on your husband's willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Your resentment, defensiveness, and questions regarding the wisdom of staying in your marriage are all very reasonable -- unless your husband makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband. As your husband proves himself to you, your resentment will fade, and your questions will be answered.

I am realizing now that during my recovery with RQ I had holes in my side of the street. I really thought I was doing a good job of changing. I made a 90 degree change as far as meeting her EN's but I didn't work on my self. I didn't protect my emotional needs like I thought I was. I still talked to females at work, I would go out with my friends without my wife( Witch I never will again, I will not go to any kind of party even work related with out RQ, I failed to POJA a lot of decisions without her, I would be defensive when ever she questioned me about anything, we would talk about setting up our week for our UA time and we would both say to do it but then all the sudden she is cooking diner or im busy with the kids and we wouldn't get it done. This is on ME!! My fault I needed to lead our recovery and I failed!!!!! I am game planning for "that day" please God let me have that day. I know we could kill it(this means be awesome) if I get the chance.

KISS

I am working through HerPapaBears thread on extraordinary precautions. Thats where I got the last quote from Dr. Harley. This is a great tool for anyone just starting recovery or a refresher for anyone to rethink their EP's.

SusieQ posted:

Steve said my H needs to review his EP list with me regularly (weekly) or so for the time being to assure me that he understands it and knows what is on there.

So for anyone in Recovery who is stuck, just wanted to share what Steve reiterated to me in our last session... He basically said his experience is couples get stuck in R when they haven't successfully complete the Protection Phase that I outlined above, that they tend not to do well in the Connection Phase (Meeting ENs/avoiding LBers) as the BS doesn't really feel safe.

Great point by SusieQ I realize this was another one of my short comings in my recovery with RQ. again my fault.

KISS

As I posted elsewhere:

Gloveoil,

I did't mean that they where asking me about my change in protecting my EN's. It was because of my lose of energy and depression due to being away from RQ and my kids. Its been tough but Im taking advantage of the time.

KISS

SugerCane,

Why do you say that is it the way I worded something or was it something I said? Please give me feedback. I thought in the beginning she might be checking on my posts but I truly believe that she is not looking now. I know her pretty well and I believe that I am not on her priority list right now.

KISS

It was where you said it, not what you said. I didn't see what you said.

If I'm mistaken about your intent then I apologise.

SugerCane,

I was on HerPapaBears thread about extraordinary precautions because I know that was my biggest short coming in my recovery with RQ. Iwas suprised when Igot to the end and seen her post. I did see her post a couple of weeks ago but Ididn't realize it was on HerPapaBears thread.

KISS

Kiss,

You are doing well with reading the various threads and listening to the radio show.

Did you sleep last night?
Did you eat good foods?
Did you call your church and ask the minister to refer you to another church durin this time?

Since you have a lot of free time now I encourage you to consider to rent (or borrow from the library) the series of Kung Fu TV series. (Carradine).
It's a thought provoking show that deals with issues like boundaries and such.

I am going through my wifes recovery thread. I think this will help me see areas that I fell short in so I can focus on them the most. Is this a good idea? ro should I not be on her thread? I'm not going to post. I just want to see where I didn't meet her needs or fell short on my part of the recovery.


Originally Posted By: Rocketqueen

-Be open and honest to me at all times about past and future
(how do i trust him???)

HerPapaBear,

You must have a plan to sit down and discuss all the historical timelines about the A. When you are confident you have the truth written down, you ask questions again and again to see if the answers change or stay the same..... You'll know very quickly!
_________________________
tst




This is something we never did. She would ask me a couple questions every once in awhile but I don't think we ever really had that air it out and get everything out conversation. She knows pretty much everything but I think this would be a huge benefit to both of us. I really have tried to forget as much as I can but now with it just hitting a year from when this all started and really digging in to it little things come back. I really wish I could forget the four months from my life but I can't.

KISS

HDW,

I slept about 4 1/2 hours on saturday night. Last night I slept about 7 hours. I do wakeup a lot and a couple times i was awake 45 minutes or so but I try to not think witch is very hard. I took for granted how great it was to hold my wife at night as I would watch tv and sleep on the couch often. I have always had trouble sleeping even when I was little. But holding my wife was my sleeping aid. Now I really realize how wonderful that was.

I am eating some yesturday I had 3 rice cakes and peanut butter for breakfast. Then for lunch I had a chicken ceaser salad and two slices of pizza. Then I had a couple of protein drinks theough out the afternoon then I had a Turkey sandwich for dinner.

I didn't call the church our paster lives about an hour away. I will talk to her on Sunday. Being new to the church I really don't know anyone really.

Working on me,

KISS

It would be much better for you to go back through your own thread, from page one, answer any questions you ignored, implement any advice you overlooked, and post your reflections on how you botched the chance at recovery that RQ do graciously extended. I'd recommend you leave her thread alone unless at some point in the future she invites you to it.

I hate to be the devils advocate but I don't think your really changed. I think this is a simple case of "she's serious this time I'm going to do enough to get her back and revert back to a WH". If you are serious read the threads all the books and apply them to yor situation. Read the bible proverbs regarding adultery and apply it. Also, exercise it helps trust me whether you not of lift it helps relieve stress. Stop focusing on whether she will take you back focus on being a better person. Cause there is a chance she will not want you then what? Your angry cause you did these changes for her not yourself. When you sit are not entitled to be angry cause you reap what you sow

I am the last couple of days really trying to focus the the me part of it. Our recovery I just thought that she needed time to get over it. I figured that if I did everything to to meet her EN's and was around her all the time that it would be ok. I didn't work on my recovery. I need to lead RQ recovery with the help of MB. We bought some of the work books but I never read some of the books that they tell you to in order to work the program. I am working on Surviving an Affair and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. Macdonald. I did read this book back in April. But I deffinitly could us the refresher.

I am doing this for my self and my kids. They have seen their dad do nothing but cry about how much I miss their Mother.

I knew why I had my affair but I never worked on fixing me so it wouldn't happen again. I had the im in control of what I do so I just won't let it. Now i am really learning that I do need to seperate my self 100% from females. It needs to be the bare minimum contact. Work related and thats it. This is nothing that RQ can fix for me or help me with. I have to do it.

KISS

Rather than read RQ's now-abandoned thread, just in case she would prefer that you didn't, you can accomplish the same thing by reading other BS's threads. You aren't the first WS to balk at aspects of R, or even the whole enchilada. You aren't the first WS to blow it and drive your BS away post-A. You aren't the first WS to have done ANYTHING you have done.

You won't be the first WS to finally get it and have a total transformation of your life.

So read your own thread, read other BS's threads, and you'll still learn everything you need to know for your own sitch.

It's good to see you are taking EPs more seriously -- finally -- but you are sort of missing the point.

That being -- the whole premise of the MB program is that you view marriage as a relationship of EXTRAORDINARY CARE.

The fact that you were not following EPs tells me that you didn't CARE very much to make the effort to avoid doing things that hurt your wife (in other words, continuing to engage in thoughtless Independent Behavior, which is basically what led to your having an affair)

What other things were you doing without the enthusiastic agreement of your wife (IB) besides not following EPs? What other behaviors were you engaged in that were hurting your marriage? Be specific.

You have offhandedly stated some in this thread but I am not seeing that you are acknowledging how damaging this behavior was to your recovery or the changes that need to be made.

Kiss.
Many of us engaged in independent behavior.
I did my entire marriage.
In some limited cases it needed (cases of addictions or mental illnesses).

I'm not in a moral position to grab a whip and beat you until you confess and beg for mercy.

Personally, I think you should just focus on self
Improvement and not necessarily in the context of winning your wife back.

Seriously check out the Kung Fu tv series. It really makes you consider self awareness and your actions.

Focus one day at a time. You do need to have some time alone without your phone though. Go for a walk on a trail and leave the phone in your car. You don't need your phone or this forum with you everywhere.

What are you doing after work today? Are you going to try to attend a Wednesday night bible study?

The other things that I was not doing without the enthusiastic agreement of my wife (IB) besides not following EPs were that I wasn't 100% honest with my wife about the early part of my affair. I thought that I would lose her and I didn't want to add more pain then she had already had to carry. I was wrong to due this as we truely never could work on recovery. I realize now that it was so wrong and much more hurtful on my part. I didn't do a good job od using POJA in our marriage. This was something that both of us did not due and it deffinitly put more stress and added love busters to our marriage. Another thing that bother RQ was when I was running late at work I wouldn't call her until I left not before like I was supposed I thought its only a half hour not a big deal. Why take the 5 minutes to call home when that just means another 5 monutes at work.

For RQ me posting and is very important. I have always been up and down I been good for a while then a would miss a couple of days. My excuss was that my schedule sucks and when I get home I would rather see the kids when I get home or spend time with RQ then be on the computer. Now I still work bad hours but I take advantage of my lunch break. I listen to the MB radio show when going to the deli and sit in my car andanswer questions on my thread. Also every once in a while I take a minute and sit in my office and spend time on MB. My time might be limited but I can squeeze in study time here and their.

My biggest opportunity is deffinitly protecting my EN's and this is something I am focused on. RQ has always said that I have done a great job of changing staying at work and meeting her EN's.

KISS

Keep up working like that, and it will change you in spite of yourself.

Kiss, you are in my prayers. I sincerely hope you can become a great man.