I discovered I turn into a slob with fleeing behaviour if I do not get my emotional needs met. My mind seems to compensate with asking for more physical needs... I just found that out the last couple of days and I have been living with "me" for 35yrs. I do not believe a girl could figure that out in a courtship... she is gonna find that one out in a marriage or by living together at least. And no girlfriend I lived with really made that connection either.

I am terrible.

But I would have taken you both to Bali or Thailand at least. ;-)
Thanks for helping.

That's it exactly - and think how much easier it is not to bother moving out with a baby on the way. And when the breakdown or affair comes along, you will never be able to say with confidence that he or she really wanted to be with you.

alis, I hope you manage to see France one day. It really is the prettiest country. We crossed the channel to Le Touquet, which is a beautiful, up-market resort. We had a lovely day on the beach then went for a delicious french meal, and then called in at a supermarket to stock up on cheap champagne for after the baby was born. It was a lovely day.

I was wondering how to adapt with my job...
It's obviously absorbing me too much to combine with "a marriage"...

Sacrificing jobs in a relation is not done, because it is a renters mentality and will bite you in the [censored] someday?????

How do people in a marriage deal with that kind of stuff? in agreement????

One thing at a time. You will be amazed how problems find a way to solve themselves. When the right person comes along, you will POJA your time together to make things work.


Dr Harley is very emphatic about the fact that there must be no sacrifice. No matter how large or small, every sacrifice demands a payback and that is its poisoned payload.



Each situation is different but yes, in enthusiastic agreement. Always.

It is important to understand what sacrifice means, though. It does not mean hanging onto a job that harms your marriage. A job should complement the marriage or it should be eliminated. It means not doing things that make either of you unhappy. For example, if she wants to go to the zoo and he hates the zoo he would be sacrificing if he went. And it would cause resentment. However, if he has a traveling job that harms his marriage, that is not considered sacrifice for him to give up that job for a non traveling job. The idea is to find a non traveling job that he enjoys that will complement his marriage. Yes, he might be resentful at first, but only as long as it takes to find a suitable alternative that complements the marriage.

You don't hang onto a career that is harmful to the marriage because you think it is sacrifice to quit it. That is not what Harley means when he says sacrifice. Anything that is bad for the marriage is OUT.

But that is a learning proces no?
As long as only one of the partners perceives something as a treat to the family, whilst the other think this is a opportunity for the family you are on the road to disaster no? there is gonna be conflict, resentment & nothing will compensate for important decissions at first...

I would like to learn more about POJA conflict resolvement.

POJA is tough if you have never done it. Start with tiny decisions like what you have for dinner and work your way upwards.

You start with a problem not a solution so if you have a career conflict you might start by stating your concern about this. You might say that you tend to obsess about your work and that when you do this, you are worried that your spouse/future spouse will feel she is less important than the work. On the other hand you are anxious to be a good provider.

Having stated your problem, you then allow your spouse to give her point of view.

She might say that she agrees that it is a problem and that it makes her feel isolated when it happens.

Then the two of you brainstorm for solutions (very important that you do not start with solutions before the problem is defined, very disrespectful to your spouse to do this)

The solution that works is going to be one you are both enthusiastic about. For example, it might be that you get out of bed an hour later in the mornings and that she takes on the task of billing your clients to offset the loss of work time. If you cannot come up with a solution that works for you both, you leave things as they are and try again later.

The reason why POJA only truly works within a marriage is that you are then one legal entity and a single team. An opportunity for you is an opportunity for the family so you know your solution is not going to be something that is going to leave you in a worse position than you would otherwise be in.

I am having a "date" with my ex-girlfriend today.
She is gonna be defensive after a weekend with her lover.
She entered the house today to search for her international passport to plan the getaway to Oz no doubt, although I specificly asked her NOT to enter the house while I am not there. She texted me it was urgent, but she couldn't find it, as I cleaned a couple of rooms this weekend.

I am nervous & hurting like hell.

Why put yourself through this? Why not stay away from her drama?

Can you ask a friend to be there with you?
I would tell her to get her stuff, and get it over with instead of her coming around every weekend

She was pretty defensive at first, lots of talking no content.
Since I only discovered recently that it is all facade, I started talking on an emotional level and got through to her in an instant. She denied the cheating again, which I was fast to correct. Lots of tear, lots of guilt and a girl on a mission to stand on her own legs for the first time in her life. She said she needs to change. The affair is more or less over since they have to live in the same house or so she says. She misses me so & the comfort of our home. HA! (sorry, could not resist) but she understands she crossed a line and we have to split up for now. She said you are the guy I can spend my life with but I have to do this for myself first.
She agreed to move her [censored] out ASAP.

Went to my "project-friend" to cry after. She said "She is soooo gonna be on your doorstep when you get back, Mr Casanova".
I hope she can stand in the back of the line of those 21 other girls I should date first after I get over this.

Sounds like both of you should spend some "alone" time to grow up a bit .

AGG

Yes we do!
I am open to change and I am writing TODO lists as we speak...
If you care to share your thoughts?
Feel free to point me in a direction... ;-)

What MB material have you read? Any books? Listened to the radio show?

Pretty much all of it on this site I guess.
I started reading posts from people in the marriage section today... Some people should be posting on the "living with a Borderline personality disordered spouse"-forum instead I guess
Those stories of WW's or WH's kidnapping the children... heartbreaking!

yes, I got out cheap.
I've only missed the chance to make babies & let them grow up together with my friends children. YEY!
...and this was a girl with an integrated personality!

If I think of all the "Bridget Jones"-type women who are dying to get a baby before they are 35 (probably giving the best of themselves now & settling for less than they ever bargained for) I am walking straight into a f*ing dating minefield!

I am the top in my business niche.
I've worked hard to get there the past 10 years.

I obviously SUCK in picking the right girls.
My "picker" is not gonna improve overnight by itself.
I am 35 years old FFS. If I want to survive my kids 21st birthday I have to be fast.

Like HDW said:
When are you getting married?
HA!

Sorry, I am mad & angry...

No books yet though

There is a book that Dr Harley wrote for single people: Buyers Renters and Freeloaders

Thanks HDW. I will order it this week.
I think I know the difference between the 3 mindsets from what I've read here this week.
My girlfriend was a buyer, so was I.
We fell back into renter-mode because of the shacking-together culture & a LACK of taking care of each others needs.
Heck, I got my girlfriends needs all wrong from the beginning and I do not think she knew either, yet we were on a path to complete co-dependence.

I still have the buyers mindset and yes I can pick out girls that are buyers EASY.

Met one of my younger brothers ex-girlfriends (from when he was in his twenties) in a nightclub this weekend. She was being hit on by 2 hotties twice my size. Didn't bother me at all. I greet them & have a small chat with the girl. The guys get impatient. Girl sends them off right away: "You still have a long long path to go boys".
We end up in a deep conversation about fixing people, (apparently I am not alone) & the absolute non-sense that is a result.

I need to figure out why I keep doing this!!!
Girl did not have a clue why she was doing it either.
"I keep dating trees that grow, but they remain in their bloody pots forever"

This breakup has put at least ME on my feet emotionaly... and damn I can emotionally connect in an instant with everyone that is open to it & able to do it.
Maybe it is because I am hurt right now, but hell I want to stay this way & don't care if it will cost me my job.

It really feels like I have been living on another planet for years.

You are in the 'fixing others' business because you are hiding.

You are afraid of a relationship of equals where you are required to be who you truly are. Only you can know why this is, but until you can be happy with and can show who you are, you will never find a partner that loves the real you.

Seems like you have put a lot of time and effort and energy into your career for a lot of years. In the meantime, you have not developed the relationship skills that you now seek, as your focus was in another area.

I don't see anything wrong with any of that. Now, you are more interested in connecting with someone long-term. So you are learning about what makes relationships work.

I think you will meet someone with the same energy level and same interests. You're a goal oriented and successful man with a strong intuition about what you want and how to get it. You don't seem to be afraid to read an instruction manual; and you have found one with MB.

You will find Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders very interesting. I remember being surprised at how different my impression of the philosophy was from reading the basics here, to reading the actual book. It's much more complicated than it seems from the synopsis; but in a good and enlightening way - I view everyone differently after reading the book. I accept people more as I can kinda see for real what phases they might be in. --I hope you'll let me know if you agree after you read the book.

opt