Hi 6877. I am glad to see you back. I am so sorry to hear this update though. I know we were tough on you before. I hear you.... you don't want to divorce. You have to consider how he is going to behave and the choices he is going to make now that you are going to Plan B. You have to protect yourself. He is not worth you losing yourself in this.

I get the feeling that you are starting to understand that hope is not a plan. Hoping and waiting for someone to choose to do the right thing when they want something else, is hell. I hope you don't languish in wait for him, but begin putting your life back together the way you want it.

Plan B is a great idea for you now. You need to heal from his chaos.

I finally had to realize that I love the man my H presented to me, not the man he was hiding. I loved what I thought he was/thought he could be, not who he actually was and who he kept being. I still believe my H has a good heart, could be a great man, but he really never has been, and I can't make him be one. He has a lot of issues that he is in denial about. I think your H must have some too. What he is doing, is extremely opposite of what the mentality and mindset of what a H should be. 6877, I waited 18 years for him to do the right thing, he never did. You don't want to live like that, it is constant hurt and heart piercing pain and dissappointment. Please don't do what I did. Take your life back. You can't make him change or want what you want. I finally was able to see that my H isn't that good man my rose colored glasses kept showing me. So, I took them off. I hope you will be able to do that in Plan B. You can love him forever, that doesn't mean he is good for you or even marriage material for that matter. Once I realized that, it became much easier for me to make my plan. Just stay strong for yourself 6877. Everyone here will help you and be there for you. We know you have a tough road ahead. I hope you can find some solace in knowing that you are giving yourself the care and protection that you deserve. Eventually, you will be happier without this gut-wrenching hurt and continued heartbreak. One person should never do to another as your H has done to you. He has not behaved like a husband should, and you deserve better.

I'll go one step further and say that he has behaved like a low life [censored].
Whatever you do don't have sex with him and get pregnant. Then your problem will become a lot more complicated

That, 6877, is the exact reason why I would tell you to file for a divorce and never look back.

1. He has been unfaithful during your entire marriage and, likely, for quite some time before. He's not going to change and this is likely going to be your reality for quite some time.

2. Your teenage daughter is watching you and will use YOU as an example of how to conduct herself in a relationship. Be a good example of what *not* to put up with because she's going to gravitate towards men like your husband since she has no other basis for comparison.


By all means, continue with Plan B, but to continue this sham of a marriage is not what you or your daughter needs.

VVV, I do understand that something must be wrong in my thinking that I've hung on so long. I really think plan B will help me move forward, if I do it right.

This sounds like I wrote it, we must have a lot in common. I really don't want to live my life like this. I will do what it takes to get out. I know my daughter is watching.

VVV, I will not get preganant, that I assure you. I might not be smart about him but I will never, ever be a single mother again.

Thanks for the support Northwood.

So do you think I should just go file, even though I don't feel ready but I know it has to go in that direction?

He came home early this morning to pick up some things, he had a key so he just came in. He did give his key to me, he made a little stink but then just gave up and gave it to me. He is blocked from everything of mine. The hard part will be at some point, he will look for me, he always has. He only has a small amount of things here now, so I will try it to get it packed up as soon as possible.

I really do want out. I can't do this anymore. My life is on hold b/c of him, all the time. I will do what you guys tell me to do. I'll just keep posting and I hope you stick with me.

Yes, I think you should file. Divorces take a while to go through, so you can always change your mind if he suddenly does a 180. If he doesn't, then you're just better prepared.

Hugs to you 6877. I know the reality and choices you are making is making this a horrible day.

Good luck with your filing I'm in a similar situation my WW is in an affair as I type and I filed even though I want to work it out.

So, I stayed home from work today. It has to be the last day I ever stay home b/c of this situation. I need to get up and be responsible. I'm so tired of laying there b/c I feel depressed.

I feel like if I file for divorce it's going to give them the go ahead to be together? And even though we are not going to be together I still don't want him with her. I know this isn't plan Bish but I know it will bug her that my WH would most likely never divorce me. He'll just be with her and stay married to me.

Meeting with my IM tonight. Already my SIL called and she just can't help herself but talk about him. I said that if we are going to continue to stay friends D can not be a part of our relationship.

So, just got home. He has already started using the IM, which I know is good but also hurts me b/c I know that means he realizes we are over.

Also making plans hurts. It feels weird to talk about plans that are three months away, I should've been married and making plans with him, not trying to fill in my time just so that I can move forward without him.

This all just feels so weird.

I feel you there. It fills like a dream, a bad dream that has no ending. Hang in their and stay your course!

It sounds like he doesn't really care if you divorce him anyways.
As Northwood said, divorce can take awhile so you may as well file now and you can always stop it later.
If in doubt you can email Dr Harley and he will give you advice at no charge

t/j alert: so, HDW, what's up with the sudden name change to VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV?

Um, okay. So VVVVVVVVV works for you - got that

He has said over and over he does not want to divorce, I don't know why since he wants to be with OW. He actually thinks and says he's going to be a better man with or without me, which is obviously some type of fog he believes.

So, I got a text from his brother asking me to call him when I have time, he has a question. I just ignored it b/c I don't know what he would want. Obviously it had something to do with my WH?

My IM said he got a little sh_tty with her. I didn't ask how or what was said.

So what should I do about his brother wanting to ask me a question? Ignore or text something back like I can't talk about any situation with about **EDIT**?

In plan B you would tell your husbands brother you dont want to talk about your husband at all.
He may be offering some help. Or check on your kid.

Did you expose to this brother? Was he supportive of you?

In Plan B you tell everyone you don't want to hear or talk about your WH.

Yes his brother does know all of it, and is supportive of me. Although, I would bet he doesn't approve of the IM situation. He would think it was weird and immature of me. I doubt he's calling about my DD so it would have to be about my WH. I think I will text him back what Knight said to say. I feel like it's going to be impossible for some people to not talk to me about him. I decided I'll just have to limit my time with them if they can't stop.

I have started today to facebook pretty much everyone about us separating. I really need the support and it's much easier telling people my way then waiting to have to tell them the situation when they ask how the "newlyweds" are? Their are many people to tell as our circle is quite big. We are pretty active and I work as a bartender part time so it seems like a lot of people need to know. It feels good to just say it as it is, instead of not b/c I'm hoping for differant. Plus I am very aware I am making really hard on them to ever have a life here in my small city. Hopefuly "judgement" will push them somewhere else to live. And yes, I have put in there that I do not want ANY information about him whatsoever; not even if they see him on the street.

He went through my IM today for a prescription that I had picked up for him; he wanted me to put it in the mailbox and he would stop and get it. I said no to that and that I would drop it off in the mailbox of his brother's house. No reason for him to come to the house at all.

I'm very up and down today.